I once ruled the known world
one night, I don't know, someone must've fallen asleep without blowing out a candle, with inevitable consequences.

flames to the left of me, flames to the right, I did what any self-respecting dictator would do and had a quick fiddle.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Sat 15 Nov 2008, 0:25, Reply)

too many words
think I'll wait until the news letter next week to read the best stories
(bluehamster, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 22:07, Reply)

I'm actually highly motivated.
I once bought a book on how to stop procrastinating. I read it, and realised that I didn't procrastinate - what I did was be ultra-hard on myself, so that I interpreted having any time off as procrastination.

Sorry.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 22:02, 1 reply)

Dave...
Early one afternoon after dragging myself out of bed (fully clothed ) i sat down in front of the tv with numerous bags of junk food, and a few drinks to keep me going until bed time.

As any normal person would do with their tv, it was already on and tuned to Dave (*ducks for cover* but in my defense, Have I Got News For You was on the night before.)

Then it happpened, the dreadful hours before Top Gear comes on and after Fifth Gear goes off.... They usually have some dreadful shite on, and this day was no exception. TOTP 2 came on *shits pants*.

Looking around i couldn't see the remote anywhere, and I had only just got myself comfy amidst all the empty crisp packets and beer cans, and i REALLY could not be arsed to get up and turn the channel over manually.

So i did what any self respecting slob would do and went to sleep.

Length? A fully refreshing hour and a half.
(LiL_Arsewipe licked your face on, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 21:14, Reply)

Tell us your story...
Later
(babyjak, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 20:55, Reply)

Dear God!
MsDchurch has just watched some horrible advert for Celine Dion's Greatest Hits or something.

She looked at me and said "Oooh, I bet that's got some good songs on it"

I just stared in utter disbelief.

To be fair, I should have packed her things and kicked her hard in the arse on the way out the door, or at least thrown her clothes over the balcony into the street after pouring petrol on them.

...but I couldn't be bothered.
(dchurch bah, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 20:51, Reply)

Too lazy to get a social life
sometimes i wish i knew actual people in the real world :(
I've recently joined facebook in a vain attempt to belong
( SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 20:09, 6 replies)

Got a FANTASTIC story for you guys
My keyboard's playing up a bit though, so I just need to go borrow one off my mate, then you can have it in all its poetic glory. He wont be home for a bit, and I've got to get some petrol first for the long drive, so I'll probably have a little tidy up first.

Should probably drop in on Dave on the way, he's got a new hamster; I said a while ago I'd help him measure up a cage for it, with a nice long run, some fake grass and a little wheel. I did promise, so I shouldn't really turn up without any tools. He's got some old driftwood we can use, so I'd better grab some different kinds of sandpaper on the way, that's if B&Q is still open. Might be early tomorrow morning in that case, no point making a special trip, it's a long way.

Does anyone know if B&Q sell .25mm ball bearings? The wheel I was planning was pretty specialised.

I'll just have a quick look on eBay, I know I saw some with a £2.50 buy-it-now. Damn, looks like they've sold out. There's an auction on some .3mm ones though, finishes on Tuesday, looks like maybe £3 for 20, not bad. Teflon coated, too. Wouldn't be able to get _them_ in the shops.

Luckily, that should give me enough time to alter the design for the new size balls.

And the best bit is it looks like the seller lives only a few miles from Dave, so I can do it all on one trip: pick up the balls, build the cage and amusement park, maybe even a little fence around his lounge, then grab the keyboard on the way back.

So, fingers crossed, you should get my story Wednesday afternoon, Thursday morning - good for you chaps? I know you'll be poised, waiting to click muchly :-)
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 20:05, Reply)

6000 words...
... due in on monday...
i have cleaned the house top to bottom, spent hours and hours in asda dciding what to spend my £3.75 on, written to a u.s. prision penpal and re-discovered prank phone calling.

The closer the deadline gets the less funny this becomes.
(Emily Salvage, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 19:54, 1 reply)

Promise
I'll tell you that story about the shemale and the rottweiler, when I get around to it.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 19:49, Reply)

Splits
In February 1993 I vowed to be able to do the splits like a cheerleader by September 1993.

Still working on it....
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 19:43, Reply)

oh see dee !
do you know anyone whose house is always in a tip,loads of stuff hoarded away,and all types of electronic gear partially dismantled,bathroom dismantled,door handles removed,cars dismantled,radiators removed ?

and do they usually say "i'm busy" or " i've got hundreds of things to do" ? and are they always looking at pron or just staring out of the window or squeezing blackheads in the mirror?

are they 45 plus and never had a relationship?

if they are ,then that is a real procrastinator.
(sniffi the cat /remembers/this was /all fields..., Fri 14 Nov 2008, 19:41, 3 replies)

First!!
ah well i was like busy yesterday and stuff...







note: surely absolutely mustabindun but i haven't had the time to check...

(gets coat...)
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Fri 14 Nov 2008, 19:29, Reply)

Very important skills training
The word "procrastination" instantly reminds me of this comic: www.phdcomics.com/ (all PhD students should be familiar with it).

The author, Jorge Cham, tours around universities giving a talk about PhD life called "The Power Of Procrastination" and last week he came here. I expected it to have been orgainsed by some students, much to the horror of university staff, but no, it had somehow got classified as a course run by the Skills Training Division! Look here if you don't believe me: www.mpls.ox.ac.uk/skillstraining/courses/jorgechamlecture.html

I had a deadline looming the next day. I did some of the work, went home intending to do more work, then my housemate asked if anyone else wanted to watch Casino Royale with me. Since I'd learnt on a university-approved skills training course that lack of procastination can be fatal* I duly obeyed.

Jorge Cham lied. I failed.

Click "I like this" if you think this actually means I wasn't procrastinating properly and need further training in it rather than I shoulnd't have done it at all.

*Apparently 1 in 200 PhD students attempt suicide from stress and procrastination is the only way to prevent this.
(GothicTechie, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 19:25, 1 reply)

hmmm
thank god for facebook,myspace and b3ta of course :)

but a previous girffriend of mine was the queen of procastination, for her it was 'The Sims'- god I hated that game, she would literally be up at 8am and be playing that mind numbingly boring game till bout errmm 4am, meaning she'd get bout 4 hours kip a night- kinda reminds me of that south park episode with WoW.
anyway she was a 3rd year Law student at the time, meaning she had some hefty essays to write, she'd skank em off till stupid o clock in the mornin then think 'shit..I got a 8000 word essay due in at 9am..'

kinda did the same with her dissertation, didnt do no research, no books, didnt attend many lectures, etc. she tryed to pull of a dissertation in the space of about 4 hours, realised it werent possible and had to get an extension.
Still didnt get it done in end, now she works at matalan, go you..
(Lord Chode, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 19:16, 3 replies)

have you heard . . .
of that fab new smokable drug 'cra' ? yeah man (and woman) 'cra' is really taking off in certain places and its just like dooby but wait for it - perfectly legal ! and not like that weird tasting herbal shite 'cra' is actually a really good smoke... it started off in Jamaica and the authorities are actually promoting the stuff ! so lets big it up for the Pro Cra Rasta Nation !

yey I got one . . . small vicories Johnny boy , small victories . . .

and I know there's two 'ra's' in there making a ra ra, but that's just one of the effects... Ra Ra Ri - Kick him in the knee - Ra Ra rollocks - Kick him in the . . . . . other knee... old schoolyard song there.... for some retrospective depth...
(The Cats Twat, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 18:47, 1 reply)

Essays Due.
EMPIRE AT WAR (PC)
end story.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Fri 14 Nov 2008, 18:32, Reply)

Facebook: A rant about a popular procrastination tool
Last weekend, I went to Belgium. I took the train from London to Brussels, where I'd booked a hostel. Partly because I needed a short break from life in general, and also because I'd had this crazy idea of going there to see Hooverphonic in concert before the singer left the band.

Fortunately, my excursion was successful, and I was also quite impressed with the hostel - pleasant enough room, free hot drinks in the morning (albeit from a machine), and four or five computers set up in the kitchen / common area for free internet access.

So I got up the following morning and wandered down to get a cup of (free) coffee and a waffle. The first thing I noticed was that the computers were rammed.

Now I'd made a conscious decision that I was not going to use the internet, let alone check my emails, while I was away. But everyone else was queuing up...all, it would seem, to get onto Facebook.

WHY? I ask you. Why would you travel to a foreign country and make it your immediate and urgent priority to tell the internet about it? Why not enjoy the moment - enjoy the fact that you've got a foreign city* to explore, and no obligation to talk to anybody back home.

It wasn't so long ago that you'd be grateful to be away from the ties of "back home" for a couple of days - and hell, if you felt guilty then you'd send Mum and Dad a frigging postcard - you'd be grateful for the freedom to explore and enjoy the lack of obligation to be in touch with people. So why have we all, apparently, taken to clocking in every morning just to remind ourselves of how fucking boring everything still is back home?

It depresses me slightly.

*_{Yes, I realise I'm talking about Belgium...}
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:38, 5 replies)

this qotw reminds me
of that character in discworld who excercised his biceps so he could make as little effort when lifting stuff
(papa bouba slap your face, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:31, 2 replies)

Unemployment.
Since I have been unemployed, I have done the most procrastinating that I have ever done in my whole life.

At the moment, I have people coming over for dinner in about 2 hours, I have hardly cooked, my house seriously needs a clean and I need to make my self look like a capable hostess as opposed to someone who got out of bed, threw some jeans on and arsed around on the internet.

I wonder if we could go for dinner at the pub?
(lympicita_ie, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:31, Reply)

Computer Games
I've been a gamer from a very young age. Probably around 3 or 4 when I was truely hooked by the marvel that was the Acorn Electron. Ahh Chuckie Egg, Repton, Strykers Run and so many others. Such classics had me absolutely enthralled.

As the years passed, technology improved (omg GFX FX Chips - on a side note I once paid £80 for Virtua Racing on the Megadrive) - I continued to improve as a player. I've always been competitive in anything I do so putting in the hours on consoles to get the edge over my mates was becoming increasingly important.

Goldeneye on the N64 proved to be a key milestone, as did Pro Evolution, Mario Kart, TFC, Counterstrike and most recently Call of Duty 4.

And I didn't just play. Oh no I studied. This was a way of life, an art. In fact my own friends were not good enough anymore and I started playing online. In friendlies, in tournaments in fact anything where the stakes were high. It was around the counterstrike era that money became involved so you can see how much time I spend on the PC and console just bettering myself.

In fact the stakes online weren't high enough anymore and I started actually going to televised events where, I'm proud to say I've won over £10,000 in prize money.

Yep, I've been beating Pro's across the nation when I should have been plying a real mans trade like carpentry or something I dunno...
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:17, Reply)

Dissertation
Nothing is more difficult when studying / writing a university thesis than sitting down at the computer and actually typing something. For more than 5 minutes at a time. Other things fill your head like whether you need another cup of tea, what yr girlfriend's up to, why your flatmates are at the pub and havent invited you, if another wank will help you concentrate.. It's hard basically.

So when, the day before it was due in, I noticed that I hadn't actually typed anything at all, it was sheer panic that forced me to sit at my computer for 36 hours straight, consuming 6 cans of red bull, roughly 20 cups of tea and numerous bags of crisps.

No first draft, no proof read.. straight in.

Still got a 2.1.
(BeardyMat, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 17:14, 2 replies)

facebook
is my biggest procrastination but the sites just gone down so now its all down to b3ta!
(SuckYourMum, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:53, 1 reply)

hey y'all
i have a phase test on Biochemistry in 15 min

and i've JUST packed my bag to go home for the weekend.

that is all
( Jinxy13 is hating the S key, right about now., Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:47, Reply)

Dear Wife
Dear Women

When you asked me to do it, I said I would. Your non response I took as implied agreement.

At no stage were timescales discussed. If I havent done it, it's because I havent done it yet.

Regards

Men.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:46, 10 replies)

I've got a really good story about Procrastination..
But I've just got to put the tea on first...

(Bindun?)
(Charlie-M, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:44, 1 reply)

Pandas.....
Pandas?

What they all about? Surely the fact that Pandas can’t be arsed to fuck each other is the most blatant example of procrastination. I can’t seem to get my end away at the best of times despite trying my dammed hardest. I took a girl out for several months, we ate in nice restaurants, I held the door open for her at every opportunity, I even stayed in on a Saturday night to watch one of those criminally soul shattering talent competitions. Did she fuck me? Did she frost. Not even a hand job for my efforts.

Put two fucking Pandas in a cage, prod them with sticks, practically force the male Pandas dick as close to her as possible and they still can’t be arsed to fuck. I fucking hate those lazy white eyed mother fuckers. I mean, c’mon, it’s not as if a female Panda can be ugly is it? It’s not like human women where some are so disgustingly ugly that you need several pints of strong continental lager to be inside the same room, let alone inside her. They all look the fucking same for Gods sake. You know, white eyes, black coats, fat etc.

I’m angry now so please don’t get me started on the other lazy mob, i.e cats, dogs, polar bears…………

To be fair Dogs are alright, I like them, I have ultimate respect for any creature that can lick it’s own bollocks
(Sir_Digby_Chicken_Caeser [email protected], Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:44, 6 replies)

Capacity surplus
The by-word for saying "i've got fuck all on".
(flynbo puts this one down to his misspelt youth, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:34, Reply)

Procrastination...
It's what you need if you don't want to be the best and really do not care about beating the rest. But most importantly, it's what you need if you can not be fucked being a record breaker.

Oooooh!
(Tugnut I got them all..., Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:31, Reply)