I can't believe dogs are still getting away with walking round absolutely naked.
I have taken measures to end this filth:


( Zuowan, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 8:51, 2 replies)

My folks took me on holiday to the South of France when I was about 9.
Cap D'Agde. Staying in one of those in a big static caravan parks. Facilities included swimming pool,tennis courts, boule gravel pit. People went and came and came and went to their homes. We had the usual Enforced Family Board Game Jollities (We're a FAMILY and we're HAVING A GOOD TIME! rant obligatory). But then we went down to the swimming pool.

Topless women. Topless FIT young women. Sexy topless FIT young women rubbing suntan lotion into their frontage. Pretty young things.

I'm 9. I am interested in what is going on through some kind of genetic predisposition to be interested in lovely semi-nude ladies with beautiful glistening oily boobies.

WHAM! Smack round the back of the head from my mum.

"Don't look at the ladies without clothes on" she whispered fiercely in my ear. Dad got off scot-free for the same crime, apparently.

So, mother, you bring me here to tempt me and punish me for falling for your trick. That's unfair.

Still, memories can't be erased.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 21 Jul 2014, 21:56, 21 replies)

we used to have a holiday home in spain
it was a little cliff top terrace of 8 villas, all of them occupied by spanish families apart from ours. until mike and lynda bought the one next door and moved over from southampton. now, bear in mind that mike and lynda were two of the ugliest people you have ever seen. he was tall and unbelievably thin. she was short and unbelievably fat. and they were both absolute rampant raving alcoholics.

after they had been there a while, it became clear that they were not only keen drinkers, but also keen nudists. not great, but the nearest nudist beach wasn't visible from the house, so let them get on with it. but a little whilst after that, it became evident that they were swingers. and rather keen on my parents. my mum and dad used to wonder which of them would have gotten the worse end of that transaction. (for the record, i think it was my mum. my little cousin summed mike up when she announced in her little yorkshire accent, "'e stinks dun't 'e?")

one day in the summer holidays, when my parents were there for a few weeks, lynda waddled round to ask if my parents fancied going away together for the weekend. taking evasive and pre-emptive action, my mother told her they were off to granada for a few days. it turned out that mike and lynda were off to a nudist camp and had wanted my parents to accompany them. my mother decided to book train tickets to granada as quickly as possible. in fact, she'd have bought new trainers to run there.

a couple of days later, mike and lynda were packing for their trip. my parents were truly intrigued as to what on earth you pack to go to a nudist camp, so they were nosily watching the car being loaded up. it turns out the predictable answer is booze. lots and lots of booze. and off they went. the very next day, they were back. they hadn't liked the nudist camp. there was no air conditioning and.... their room was "too far away from the bar".

if there is one thing i learned from mike and lynda, and the gaggle of germans who were the only other people who ever went nude on the nudist beach, it is that physical attractiveness and the desire to be publicly nude are usually not related. not even distantly.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Jul 2014, 18:35, 19 replies)

Imagine your audience naked
If you're at a 2-day conference hosted by a Finnish company, given the popularity of sauna as an evening activity, on Day 2 it's likely you won't have to.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Mon 21 Jul 2014, 18:26, Reply)

Nice to know we're properly English.
Many years ago, me and the Amish Wife went to to the Med for a holiday and ended up spending some time with another couple. They suggested that we go off to a nice beach, and then forgot to tell us it was clothing-optional until we were nearly there. Fair enough, we said to each other, we're all adults, nothing to be ashamed of - this is the 90s, after all.

When we got there, there was the most awkwardly-English squirming embarrassment as we all completely failed to shuck the first item of clothing. In the end, they trundled off 100m up the beach, we trundled 100m down the beach, and we were then able to get a nice all-over tan sunburn.

At the end of the afternoon, garments were retrieved first, and we all met up again, necessary decorum having been observed, and dangly/wobbly bits having not been observed.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Mon 21 Jul 2014, 18:21, 3 replies)

Private Beach Invasion
Once, many wavy lines ago:

On holiday with my mum as a 12 year old (I was 12, not her) on the Greek Island of Skiathos. One day, a little bored of the rather narrow beach near our hotel, I decided to follow the coast and see if I could find any adventures. After navigating a couple of rocky headlands I came across (steady) a seemingly deserted beach. It was only after I'd taken a couple of bold steps onto the sand that I saw an orange, leathery late middle-aged man, totally stark-bollocked, rising from his deck chair about 150 yards ahead of me, high up the rather wide beach, next to some stairs which led up to a big old house. I therefore assumed I had just invaded a private beach. At the same moment, I saw his gaze move from me to something out at sea; I turned in that direction to see a similar birthday suited young blonde trophy woman, laid out on a rock at the end of an outcropping, who was sitting up from her repose to inspect the pubescent interloper, who was in turn doing some brief inspecting of his own as her fine, bronzed Bristols rose into distant view.

I broke into a jog and carried on in the direction I was going with my eyes fixed on the horizon, hoping that if I don't see them, they don't see me. Old-man money/ball-bags may have yelled something but I don't remember. The worst part was that i eventually ran into an impassable cliff and didn't fancy trying to find my way back overland so had to make an even more embarrassing return run back across the beach, acting as if I was training, hadn't even seen them & did that sort of thing all the time.

tl;dr - It wasn't long at all, looked like a winking acorn. Ahem - Kid runs across a private beach, runs back again. Nude couple are affronted.
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Mon 21 Jul 2014, 16:15, 8 replies)

Ah mate
So my mate was at this bus stop, right, and he saw this fit bird across the
street, right, he got a little bit flustered while looking at her, right, so much
so he got an erection, right, he thought it's a bit cold down below, right,
and he looked down to see he was fully torqued, right, he hadn't realised
his fly was open, right, and the old lady in the bus stop next to him tutted
and hit it with a spoon, right, she always has a spoon, right.

Copyright 1999. All internet forums. Originally published in Christian Observer 1872.
( $$ ✅, Mon 21 Jul 2014, 14:52, 2 replies)

On my mate's stag do he narrowly avoided a sausaging.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 21 Jul 2014, 11:01, 7 replies)

There's this Aussie bloke around here..
...who seems determined to expose himself to public ridicule despite the authorities repeatedly banning him from the area.

On an unrelated note, our local bobby was recently done for a 'penetrative sex act' committed on a dog.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 21 Jul 2014, 10:57, 19 replies)

Travelling on an escalator
A few years ago I was travelling on a long long up escalator at some random tube station. I was chatting to some friends when the lady about 10 steps ahead of me started to wobble. Seeing her tumble backwards head over heels I braced myself to catch her. She hit me harder than I thought but I managed to hold on with her on top of me legs akimbo. She was going commando and her lady garden was bald. I got a good view until we reached the top.

She hurried into an upright position, pulled her skirt down and swore at me for looking at her minge before rapidly making her getaway. Considering she was lying with her minge about 3 inches from my face and I was holding on for dear life there was much I could do apart from look, sniff and wish for a 4 inch tongue.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 20 Jul 2014, 18:14, 49 replies)

When I had a flat in the centre of Plymouth
it was used by a lot of people as a crash pad if they couldn't be bothered with / couldn't afford a taxi home. One night I drank too much - too quickly and had to go back to the flat early, but told everyone to still come back and I would leave the door unlocked. A good friend led the convoy back to mine an hour or two later and when he opened the door was confronted by me, spread eagled and naked in the hallway. He covered my dignity with a book and the partying continued until i had come round and could join in the fun.

In my defense, at least he had to use the yellow pages.
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 23:35, 10 replies)

Its not fun to pee at the.....
Many moons ago I had the opportunity to stay at the Lincoln YMCA for a few weeks before I reclaimed my marbles and got my act together.

One incident that has scarred me for life was the following....

We were all sitting in the foyer where there was a pool table and assorted chairs for the less fortunate to relax between giros.... what happened next will stay with me for ever... one of the local alcoholics was a lady who must have been in her 70s, perhaps even her 80s, she approached the glass foyer doors and proceeded to turn around, lift her skirt and place her arse up against the glass and piss like a race horse... now while this might seem quite ordinary and even fapworthy to many of you, because of her age/proof level she was extremely skinny but had huge piss flaps which proceeded to attach themselves to the glass like a limpet which then splayed like a yawning hippo. (Imagine, as some of you might have done, sticking your mouth on a window and blowing to make your mouth huge)...... this was over 20 years ago, and worryingly is one of my only memories of that time
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 21:49, 6 replies)

Bad timing
I was working in Glasgow, and "living" in the Marriott hotel. It was a Friday, so I'd arisen early so I could get to work by 7am, work my allotted hours, then catch a plane home to the Midlands so I see my kids before they went to bed.

I was all nicely washed and packed to leave so I opened my door at 630am to depart ... just at the exact same time that a small, elderly chap opened the door to his room - which was directly opposite mine and about three feet away - so he could get the morning newspaper that had been left for him. It being early he had decided that no other living soul would be around, so he hadn't bothered putting any clothes on.

We sort of looked at each other in a "nothing in my life so far has prepared me for this moment" way, before he ducked down to pick up his paper, retreated a step back into the room and closed the door.

He was very hairy.
(jrd, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 21:21, 3 replies)

Not public, more sex pest
I used to be a gym monkey. Every day in the gym, sometimes doing a double split, but that's another story.

The gym I went to in my home town of Runcorn was women only after 7pm, however if it went 7pm and no women turned up they would allow you to train until whenever someone turned up, it also helped that my girlfriend was a lifeguard at the pool in the same building. One of the other life guards was sexy as fuck, and really friendly with both myself and my girlfriend.

One Monday I stayed in the gym until about 7:30, then a few ladies started to arrive for the women only gym session so I grabbed my clobber and headed upstairs to the changing rooms for a shower. Being that both the pool and gym had closed to men half an hour earlier and I had stayed in the gym as a bit of a favour the changing room was dead. I got undressed and got into the shower cubicle, the single shit shower cubicle that had no door to it or anything to allow any privacy.

Now I think back I did I am sure here someone shout something...but with the shower on and the water running in my ears etc it was very hard to determine what was said, so I just ignored it and carried on shampooing my hair. When I opened my eyes stood pretty much right in front of me with a giant hose in hand was the sexy as fuck lifeguard. We looked at one another for what I am sure was much longer than the "correct" amount of time before she legged it from the changing room. I continued to get showered feeling rather, if I am honest, happy with myself.

As I left she was downstairs talking to my girlfriend, turns out when she had the hose on to hose the floor of the changing room she was unable to hear the shower on and with me in the shower I was unable to hear her shouting in "is there anyone in the changing room?" Hmmmm or did I really not hear it and just let her walk in. We will never know. But I am now a registered sex pest.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 20:19, 10 replies)

Mallyjoe's story reminded me...
... of the time I was holiday with my wife and (then 4 year-old) daughter in Menorca. Bored of sitting by the pool, we decided to go for a walk along the coastal path to see what the nearby beaches were like.
We were aware that part of one of the beaches we would pass - Son Bou - tolerated naturists, but reasoned that by walking our daughter along the water's edge "looking for shells" if necessary, we'd avoid any embarrassment.

Of course that didn't take into account the old geezer sunbathing naked who, every time a group of people passed by, would stand up, stretch and then scratch at his lower abdomen so his todger would wave up and down at them.

Pervy old twat.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Sat 19 Jul 2014, 19:56, 1 reply)

Chilly bellend
I'd popped to Sainsbury commando style, headed to the freezer section, leant to get my chips and felt cold steel on my bell end.
If you do intend to go commando double check the post piss zip.
( spingers, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 18:49, Reply)

Possibly a repost
Stonehenge festival, probably 1984.
Had just been in sweat lodge and was cooling off, lying naked on the grass in the teepee village.
Heard a bit of a commotion and looked up to see a large group of excited japanese tourists swarming round and taking pics of me.
Thought about legging it but decided sod it, im too hot and just lay there.
I wonder how many naked pics of me there are in Japan
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 14:43, 7 replies)

Living on fifth floor
Back in the old student days I lived in a fifth floor flat. No curtains. No one opposite. Impossible to look in the windows. So I'd usually walk around in the buff.

Walked out of bedroom one morning into the front room. Naked as normal. So get a rather surprised look from the scaffolder who was putting up scaffolding to fix something at roof height.
( Batter Pudding Hurler is a figment of your imagination, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 13:48, Reply)

My old housemate
was doing an MFA in some form of Shakespeare studies, and as part of his course staged a performance of A Winter's Tale in the university gardens, which I attended.

About halfway through the play, one of his mates jumped out of a bush, stark bollock naked, and chased Antigonus from the stage.
(cs1ca, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 13:43, 1 reply)

public nudity
Sunbathing on the rocks at a nudist beach near Callela.The close proximity of my naked girlfriend encouraged an impressive semi of which I was so proud I would stand frequently to gaze out to sea.Through sunglasses I was aware of a group of spanish couples nearby, the giggling girls of which were commenting upon my magnificence.After an hour I stolled proudly into the sea to cool off.Within seconds I realised my mistake... my sea serpent had morphed into a shrimp.I waved frantically at my girlfriend to join me so that I could ask her to fetch my swimming shorts.She waved back and then ignored me.Half an hour later I had no choice but to wade out of the sea to the loud laughter and obvious delight of the guys in the spanish group.Humiliated? I've never felt so small in my life.
(mallyjoe, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 13:12, 4 replies)

A free camera where you can see naked people who don't know.
www.helloearth.us/
Statistically at least.
(speedevil, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 9:09, Reply)

A Thank You Jesus! moment
Highway 20. Northern Cascades. Out of Winthrop WA, heading west. Nothing but big tree boonies for 104 miles (165 km). Pretty, but boring drive. Following a very small clutch of cars. One of which filled with nubile cuties.

75 miles along, the cutie filled car pulls ahead. Not 3 minutes later it is stopped at the side. Forest has been logged off, clear cut to the ankles, left and right, for at least a quarter mile. One cutie beating feet for the distant tree line. Just as we pull up to the 3 o'clock position, she stops no more than 100 yards out, drops trou revealing an eye-searingly quick flash of apple-ass cheeks, and cops a squat for a piss.

Banged a Morse tune on the car horn just for her in gratitude. So hoping I embarrassed hell out of her.
(shamblinthru Grasshopper! Next time use the potholders!, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 5:04, 5 replies)

Errrrmmm...
One night I went out on a date with a woman in the downtown of our city, and we had dinner and drinks at a nice little restaurant. We sat and chatted for a while after dinner, but we both agreed that while we were both pleasant people, neither of us was what the other was looking for, so I got into my car and started for home.

As I was passing by the 24 hour pharmacy I realized that I needed to pick up toothpaste and shampoo, so I swung into an empty space and got out of my car. Three spaces away another car pulled in, a snazzy little Mercedes convertible, and a couple in their fifties popped out. They were both obviously the worse for drink, and the man slurred that he was going in for cigarettes.

The woman rolled down her blue striped stockings, revealing a large and elaborate tattoo on her right thigh, and hunkered down on the pavement with her leather miniskirt hiked up and her growler about two inches from the ground and released a flood.

She looked up and saw me staring in shock at her, and gave me an inviting leer.

I chose to do some leisurely shopping while I was in there, until I was certain that they had gone.
(Shimrod, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 20:52, 34 replies)

Some things are best left unseen.
Years ago I dated a woman whose tastes tended to run toward the fetish world far more than mine did. We had some nice sessions of hot stuff, but she was a bit more extreme than I was so we stopped dating. However, we still enjoyed each other's company so we hung out now and then.

One day she called me to beg a favor. The local fetish club was having an open-to-the-public event that she wanted to attend, but was afraid to go by herself and wanted me to escort her. I somewhat reluctantly agreed.

Once there it was quite a bit tamer than I had expected, so I let her drift off toward things that interested her while I basically sat to one side and had beer and watched. There was little enough there to interest me (why are fetish women mostly mingers?), but the people watching was great.

I had noted one woman in particular walking around in a PVC bustier/miniskirt thing with torn fishnet stockings who was especially eye cabbage (that is, you can't help but look away). She was at least half again my weight and none of it was solid- she was a walking mound of jelly with strange rolls and bulges galore, and where the stockings were torn her flesh pressed through like rising bread dough. I saw her walk up to a guy who was wearing a shirt that said "Show me your tits" across the back, firmly tap him on the shoulder and yank down the top of her outfit. He turned around in time to see an avalanche of pasty white flab pour out to her waist and wobble there.

He recovered nicely and was polite and friendly and laughed with her, but the momentary terror and revulsion that crossed his face has stayed with me to this day.
(Shimrod, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 20:28, 5 replies)

Ooh hello sweeties!
As uou all know, I recently regenerated, and am now female. As I have been male I know that this body is a real looker. I resemeble Audrey Hepburn and Jacqueline Pearce, I have lustrous black hair and lovely blue eyes, and small (but pert) tits.

I am naked now, as I type this! Imagine that, sweeties! Oooh! Oooh!! OOOOH!!! OOOOOOH!!!! OOOOOOAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

Trouble is, though I have had plenty of sex in my other incarnations, this body is still virginal. It and I have yet to fuck. And I think I am hetero in this incarnation. I theerfefore need to be fucked, and soon.

So, does anybody fancy a fuck?

Not Quinchy, as he's a homoesexual. Or Shambo, because, ugh. But anyone else?

Beefy Boy?

Want some Time Lord action?

Come on Sweeties I'm ALL yours!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 17:26, 16 replies)

When I was 17 years old my freind had an 18th birthday party at centre parks
his mum was fairly well off so had booked a load of us into the nicer appartments there, after many drinking games I found myself naked running down a corridor generally being a teenage twat, where I ran into his mother. I then went back into the appartment and discovered one of our mates had larryed out and gone to bed at about 9pm. At the time, being drunk , and with altered perception, I thought it would be funny to jump upon him naked to wake him up. I ran into the room and launched myself towards him. In a death defying leap I managed to clear the bed and hammer my head through the pint glass on the bedside table, smashing it and lodging the base of it into my forehead. I am told after that I pulled out the glass, wrapped my head up and carried on being a complete drunken dick, but I have no memory past lodging the thing into my cranium.
I awoke in the morning to the sound of the chambermaid knocking the door. I looked down to my left where I saw a towel on the floor literally dripping with blood, and the worst headache ever.
( Glovington, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 16:11, 6 replies)

At the Reclaim The Streets gig in Trafalgar Square in the late 1990s.
Atop the stairwell up to the National Gallery was a pretty young hippy woman crouching and taking a picture with her camera, with a wonderful broad smile on her face. I thought her the epitome of the zeitgeist - staring over the square upon the colourful, anarchic party, with a confident, beaming grin, enjoying the rebellion, the mischief, and the whole spiritual discourse, and capturing it for posterity from her unique point of view.

Until my gaze inadvertently followed down and I realised she was also having a long, public piss, which was flowing over the plinth and down the wall to the floor below.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 15:49, 6 replies)

Not me but a friend.
After a night on lash, he got up in his hotel room for a well needed piss. He's a big drinker and was not feeling too great, but he made his way into the bathroom and heard the door click behind him. Then realised with horror that he was standing bollock naked in the corridor outside his room with the keys on the other side of the door. He made his way to reception feeling more than a bit sheepish, but there was no-one there. Apparently, when the cleaner opened her cupboard door to find a naked man asleep in it in the morning, she took it very well and let him into his room while hardly batting an eyelid. It could have had a much worse ending.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 14:08, 2 replies)

It's sunny, I've finished for the week and I am about to be naked in my garden
Neighbours can look if they crane their necks. Nothing worth seeing
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 14:01, Reply)

The nice young lady in Brixton, who had a few brown teeth left, and grabbed her skirt, pulled it up to reveal she was wearing no knickers, and screamed
"WANT SOME OF THIS, DO YER?!" at me as I walked past.

I didn't.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 12:34, 13 replies)