Raising the Royal Standard
I once shafted my ex girlfriend in the bushes in St James's Park, within sight of Buckingham Palace.

She was my ex at the time, and we'd met up as friends and spent the day wandering around and chatting. However, after a few drinks and few kisses the sexual tension just got a bit too much so we shuffled off to find the nearest bit of cover.

It was starting to get dark, so I carried her into the middle of the park, dumped her (again...) in the middle of this bush and we made some guilty but high spirited sweet sweet love. It was only afterwards, hurridly pulling on trousers and giggling that I noticed we were not alone.

A collection of weird people wearing anoracks in various states of disrepair were gathering in the dusk shadows around us. Backpacks and caps were also the order of the day. We had obviously crashed the party, whatever that might have been.

We didn't hang around to ask.
(Beelzebub's Ball Bag is pleasuring your wife on, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 14:04, Reply)

courting by the fuzz
Well back when the missus and i had just returned from our wondering around the globe we came home to live with my ma n pa for a bit while we got the cash together for a place of our own
My bedroom was next to my .rents room and the old man is a very light sleeper, so the temptation to enjoy each other betwixt pub and bed, plus youthful alcohol tolerance would get the better of us and we'd often fuck luck rabbits somewhere under the stars.

This particular night it happened to be upon the green fields of Stoke Park in Guildford that my love took her urge to have me, a mere 30 yards from the roadside on a reasonably clear night, yes any fucker walking past could have seen a couple struggling with each other (drunkenly tiring to remove the other clothes)

so not far from the vinegar strokes a light catches my eye in the distance.
"Is that a car?" i ask the lady beneath me
"huh..what" says the maiden coming back to reality from her aroused state/stupper

Fuckshitbollocks its a car and it's coming this way quick lets go! i blurt, but it was to late to save the modesty of my sweetheart and as we clutched our bits in shame and attempted to dress a panda car with two coppers laughing their heads off cruised past at slug speed just feet away from us. No comment was made by the gentlemen it twas a silent comedy and maybe just one sock and a little dignity was lost that night as we hurried away.

The Wife does still like the great outdoors

length (she tells everyone its big)

and POP!
(tonyharrison, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 14:03, 3 replies)

As a pillow
Tragially I cannot claime this as my own, but its got to be shared.
I was at a party when the music stopped and the drinks ran out everyone fell asleep on the floor space was tight, my mate and his girlfriend started to get frisky and they did the dirty when everyone was asleep. Only in he morning with lights on did they realised the girlfriends brother's chest had been used as a pillow for their love making. Fortunately to this day he doesn't know.
(Jeff Balls, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 14:02, 1 reply)

Having spent most of my teenage years
as a fat, long-haired metaller, unfortunately I missed out on the period when most al fresco shenanigans happen, by not getting any sex at all.

When I did start getting some both parties were fully equipped with their own houses and comfy beds in which to get it on.

I've also never managed to be in the position where, when the lust takes over, we've been without some kind of refuge.

Still unsure if I missed out or not....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:59, Reply)

Pearoast
The snow was falling all around as Rachel was bumbling along the road in the way that all good Rachel’s do when she spotted a pretty shiney nestled among the tightly packed snowflakes. As she bent to pick it up she collided with a tall striking man. Both uttering their apologies they backed away, while still maintaining eye contact. He was very easy on the eye she thought to herself, deep Brown eyes with flecks of green, amazing bone structure and she could see from the outline of his suit that he worked out.

She could feel the heat in her rising despite the freezing temperature and knew she had to have him. He took her gloved hand and together they walked in silence toward the local park. It was deserted as schools had not yet let out for the day and there was only a couple of tramps at the other end near the woodland bit.

They both knew what they wanted, each other, right fucking now, but with nowhere to go it was even more frustrating. Together they built a chair out of snow, all the while sharing long lingering glances. He would occasionally brush past her and his hand would glide over her perfectly formed rear when he bent to get more snow. She in return would casually squeeze between him and the chair on the pretext of moulding the chair into shape, smiling as he caught his breath.

Finally after a good 20 minutes or so the chair was finished. It was magnificent with a curved back, long sloping side rests and a seat wide enough for two. He sat down and gestured to Rachel to join him on his lap. She did so willingly. All the exertion of creating the chair had left them both rather flushed, but as she leaned in for their first kiss, she noticed the colour deepening in his cheeks and felt his heart racing against her shoulder. Their kiss deepened as they began exploring each others tongues and Rachel outwardly sighed as he reached his hand under her coat and started removing her bra. “Stop if I’m going too fast” were the only words he uttered which only made Rachel want him more.

Within a couple of minutes they were down to their underwear, sneaking furtive glances around, but still the park remained empty aside from the tramps on the other side of the park. The cold air made goosebumps of their skin, but his throbbing cock was very much heated and ready for action. He gently guided her head downwards onto it, but she wanted to tease him a little at first. Small butterfly kisses and then deep swirling licks to the shaft saw him moaning for release almost immediately, but Rachel was relentless. She expertly deep throated him, pulling him deeper and deeper into her warm moist mouth until he was on the verge of creating her several warm salty pearl necklaces. Gently tugging on his balls she steered him away from the verge of cumming and then taking one in her mouth she looked up to see him off on another planet in ecstasy.

Meanwhile he’d been manoeuvring his way downwards, kissing all the way down her mostly naked body until he reached the source of her heat where he began with soft kisses and gentle licks to her lips and inner thighs, she moaned in pleasure as it had never felt like this before. He quickly located her clit and began massaging it with his tongue, sucking and applying gentle pressure just in the right place while she began to write and moan. He held tight and soon she was breathing so heavily the two of them looked like a steam train, the amount of steam rising from the melting chair was giving off.

The two tramps spotted this and through the haze of the Special brew they were supping on thought something was amiss as this park was their territory and no one in their right mind would come here during the day when it was so cold out. They ambled over to the beast with two backs, sniggering when they realised what they’d stumbled upon. The taller hairier of the two cleared his throat and hocked up a green one, spitting it onto the ground next to them, startling them out of their play time.

Rachel screamed and bolted for the nearest tree to hide behind while he looked a little bashful and started gathering clothes together, appendage still merrily wagging from side to side as he did. They got dressed and started to exit the park looking as least suspicious as they could with her coat over her arm and one shoe on and his hair a ruffled mess when the shorter fatter tramp yelled out...

“If I was you love, I’d ...”

Don’t you hate it when that happens?

*may be based on a true story*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:58, Reply)

Am I the only one who thinks...
...that CHCB will end up with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from the amount of tales she'll be regaling us with this week?
(Apathyman Prepare to be underwhelmed..., Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:57, 3 replies)

Farnham Castle
In the woods. She wore a flowing summers dress, hitched up against a tree.

The back story was, we were in competition with my mate to see who could have sex in the most public place. His best was a lay by on the A34 at night, Parkland trumped that. Sadly singledom on both sides caused an end to such fun competition.
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:50, Reply)

Another one I can't
contribute too.
(Kip, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:50, 3 replies)

A Van and a Pile of Clothes...
I used to sell t-shirts on a market, I employed my then girlfriend for next to no money and well for the company, not a bad combination.

We turned up at Snetterton Sunday Market early, early even for a market trader.

Whilst preparing the stock in the back she was bent over, hmmm what on earth happened next.

Slipped the shorts aside lifted her skirt up and we went at it like knives (What does that mean BTW)

Hanging on the racking in the van, over the boxes, in amongst the shirts and at one point standing up 69 with her legs over a clothes rail.

It went on as long as this story and by the time I had finished this epic act all the neighbouring stalls were setting up around us.

I emerged from the van to a round of applause grinned the whole fucking day and the young lady didn't have the face to come out so spent most of the day in the van folding the stock back up.

oh and I banged her in the van at a crowded layby on the way home too fuelled by the memory of the morning... oh to be young again.
(Doogie Talons, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:44, 1 reply)

School coach nightmare
I went on a school trip to Switzerland by coach. We were in Lausanne or somewhere, returning to the coach after a couple of hours shoplifting in town. The coach was parked next to a nice grassy area with some bushes and trees. The sun was shining, all was right with the world, and so some lucky Swiss lad had brought his beautiful girlfriend to the park for some fun.

The two of them were lying in the grass, thinking themselves hidden from public view by the bushes. Little did they know that I and my 16-year old friends were looming above them, peering over the bushes from our vantage point in the double-decker bus.

The man was lying on top of the girl, and there was a lot of slow grinding going on. Just as his hand went up her skirt to 'adjust himself' we all gave a loud cheer and banged on the steamed up windows. He and the girl looked round, startled, but to their credit he didn't roll off her (probably clamped in). He turned his face away from her while she seemed to go into a fit of giggles, leading only to more cheering from us. Probably put them off having children for life.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:43, Reply)

Rock city
Just off to the side of the stage, behind that door that leads outside (secret free way in by the way.)

Getting sucked off by the drummers daughter while the band are playing about 20 feet away was an odd experience. It was made slightly odder by the fact that tech staff kept walking past and saying hi to her.

I had to ask her to stop when the photographer came and stood next to us and asked for a fag. When I told her I had roll-ups, she asked if I could roll one for her. While I was being sucked off. Right next to her.

Powermetal people are strange people :/
(Nick_Brown You don't wanna see man when me get evil den, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:41, 4 replies)

The most public I've got...
..is in my car. Twice. Not on the same night.
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:30, Reply)

Night of the Zombies
One summer evening, after a pint or so with my beloved at the Old Bell, we both decided that we might like to celebrate our blossoming relationship through the medium of a good, hard porking.

Still living with parents, we knew they frowned on the sound of creaking bedsprings and cries of "Stick it up me gowl, you enormous fucker!", so we resorted to Plan B: The car park up at the woods.

So, I drove her to what I thought was a quiet spot for a bit of late-night sexy in the middle of nowhere as part of what she euphemistically and charmingly referred to as "courting".

After several minutes of rampant courting on the back seat of my Austin Allegro, I looked up to see at least six people standing nearby, peering in through the car window, all with cocks in hand, all beating the bishop to varying degrees of completion.

I'll be honest here - it fair put me off my stroke and somewhat killed off my desire to finish the job.

Somehow making it into the driver's seat, trousers still half-mast, I gunned the engine on the race-tuned Allegro Equipe and sped from the car park, bouncing across exposed roots and wide-eyed perverts as we went.

In the dim light, I glanced in the rear-view mirror to take in a sight that would haunt me forever.

And it was this: Imagine if you will, half-a-dozen middle-aged men shuffling after us like so many zombies on the rampage for fresh, young spicy brains.

Zombies with rapidly deflating cocks still in hand, trying to squeeze out any vestiges of gentlemen's relish they could over the scene they had just witnessed.

"Come back! We haven't finished!" one cried as we raced back toward civilisation.

My own Johnson already the size and shape of the nozzle on an airbed, I certainly had.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:24, 6 replies)

sex on the beach
I've done some of the old classics of the park bench and on the beach but my housemate and her boyfriend have to take the cake.

They were on holiday in Tenerife and walking home after a night in a club and walking along the beach they decided to get jiggy between the pedaloes. Whilst in the act she noticed that a couple of passing shadows had decided to pick up and walk off with her handbag. And her boyfriends wallet, which had been in his pocket. Round his ankle.

Now this handbag had her passport, money, cards, driving license and dignity, which as you may know, are quite hard to replace.

They stopped mid-coitus and proceeded to quickly get dressed and run down to their apartment. Screaming.

They then had to explain what happened to the Spanish police. And her mum. This was also around the time a couple was arrested in Dubai for having sex on the beach, a fact her mum never stopped reminding her of.
Length? Girth? She was more interested in her bag....
(alpha doesn't have a witty phrase to write here, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:21, 1 reply)

not very exciting
in a park on the way home from a boozy night out with a brand new girlfriend. don't think she was technically my girlfriend at that point, but i digress.

we were only 5 minutes from my house but still couldn't wait. at it like rabbits we were. it was only afterwards that we realised we had done the deed in full view of two huge tower blocks backing on to said park.

i also once fingered a girl against a tree and she fucking loved it.

cheers.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:18, Reply)

where?
* In the sea, on a public beach in Mallorca, during the early afternoon.
I failed to bring my then girlfriend to orgasm due to the fact that just as she was about to reach her 'peak' a rather insolent looking Spanish child paddled past in an inflatable ring and gave me the most disconcerting look-It was as if he knew what we were upto and really didnt care for our behaviour.

* In my car going through a car wash.
yes I know loads of you are going to be saying 'car washes only last about 5 minutes so you cant last very long can you?' but this was the full wash you get with the wheels and the underneath getting cleaned and everything... and I only last about 5 minutes during sex anyway.
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:15, Reply)

In the car.
And it was, quite possibly the worst of all the sex.

Parked up (at what is now a 'leading' dogging site - but this was before dogging was 'invented') by the picnic area on Tog Hill in Bristol.

Just me and my ex-wife, getting down and dirty - semi-naked and, to start with, nursing a semi. She leans over me and starts to massage my tool with her mouth, I'm enjoying it.

I try and remove her under-crackers and get to see the cats face. She obliges.

Straddling me, she climbs across to the drivers seat - and thats where it all went wrong.

She's wasn't the smallest of lasses and, whilst this was pre-dogging, the car park was usually full of stoners in their mums Vauxhall Nova's, or lorry drivers having either a kip in their cab or idly tossing themselves off to a jazz-mag, what I hadn't envisaged, was her big, big, big bottom landing was such force on the steering wheel.

That'll be us pretty much stuck and the rest of the car park staring at us.

Yeap, her arse had connected with the car's horn and it shows no sign of stopping.

I lost wood within 5 seconds and she breaks down in tears as it become quite clear the 5 lads in the Mk 3 Fiesta are 'cheering' us on.

As was their level of bordom, they even got out of their car to give us a standing ovation (why, I don't know - it wasn't exactly some sort of top-draw adult film, it was a really shit fumble).

Thinking about it, the dogging 'crazy' started not long after, I wonder if I was part of its creation?

Mullered.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:13, 5 replies)

Quite a few now that I think about it.....
If you're from Coventry/Nuneaton and surrounding you'll know a lot of these places...
Hearsall Common, Riversley Park, that quarry where that lad died last week (and the churchyard next to it), the bit of grass at the bottom of Sherbourne Avenue (Nuneaton), the photobooth at New St Station after a boozy works do (it was only about 7pm), Spencer Park, the toilets of Sugar in Leamington Spa, a subway in Canley/Allesley area somewhere.

Edit: and in a Cinquecento (I'm 6 foot 2).

They were all pretty fun, although the grit in the quarry caused problems and ruptured the condom.
Also when you're drunk and you think you're being one half a sexy, adventurous, al fresco couple you're probably just a stumbly, gropey, groany twat.
(fatcock has decided to be more mysterious.....or has he?, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:11, 3 replies)

WINSTON CHURCHILL RAPAGE & CUMSHOTS

Now, I quite like putting things up my arse in the name of getting off.

But there’s a limit. There really fucking is...

A few years back I was out in the salubrious confines of Coombe Abbey, Coventry, with my then girlfriend, Scouse Emma. It was a hot day, a very hot day. We had the customary 99 with added strawberry sauce (its great being an adult – you get to bat kids out the way in the queue and make out you’re the hardest fucker in the entire fucking world). Emma fed the ducks. I did a spot of duck bating (take a whole slice of bread and lob it at the feet of the smallest preplexed-looking semi-aquatic fucker, then watch with glee as the others waddle over like fat Travis Bickles’ and kick the shit out of it). After a few parents of the smaller kids shouted at me for being a cunt and having made a little girl cry when she witnessed firtshand some hardcore, 18 cert, duck-related gang violence, Emma and I decided to go for a leisurly stroll further into the lovely woods that line the duckpond. The smell of bark and leaves and the sweet kiss of the sun made us feel relaxed and at peace...

...and incredibly fucking horny.

Emma was wearing a whispy summer dress, quite short, and as she walked infront I became mezmerized by the hypnotic sway of her lovely come-hither buttocks as they danced under the slight fabric. I focused in on her arse crack, which had developed a little sweat what with the heat and the walking and then suddenly something occured to me:

“Emma,” I say, still staring at her glorious arse. “Are you wearing any knickers?”

She stops, turns round: “Too hot for knickers,” she says with an evil grin. “And look at this.” Emma glances round, making sure nobody else is about and hitches down the straps of her dress. The flimsy fabric falls away and her magnificent puppies bound out, bouncing and swaying and almost yelping for some sweet Spanky attention. She jiggles a bit and giggles at me.

I struggle to get my phone out so I can take a photo of this happy scene, to record it for posterity - something to show the grandchildren; but Emma quickly pulls her dress back up and flashes me a sly i-wanna-fuck smile. And I realise with rising excitement that she is completely, utterly, absolutley naked under those clothes...

“Do you fancy finding somewhere... a bit more... secluded?” Emma asks.

I stride up to her, grab her hand, and march her further into the wood like a man on a fucking mission.

Eventually we find a spot off the beaten track. Emma lays down in the soft, warm moss and lifts up her dress and starts tickling her growler. She spreads her legs and even as I’m wrestling to remove my jeans and pants I can hear the unmistakable, sexy sloppy sound of her fingers playing over her sopping wet lady bits.

I dive on top and we start doing some incredibly romantic, touching, memorable, poignant fucking.

“Oooh, you like that don’t you, you dirty bastard,” Emma breathes as she scrapes her fingernails over my arse. “Fuck, yeah! “ Then she looks deep into my eyes and says: “Do me doggy style, Spanky.”

I slide out of her, she gets on all fours and sticks her peach of an arse in the air, I thank the Lord for the bounty I am about to receive and then I guide my spam dagger up her gooey twat.

It’s great doing it this way – it means I can scan the woods for any approaching people, like a sexy merekat, as I’m grabbing Emma’s hips and very lovingly pummelling away. Soon I get a bit tired, my knees are on some twigs or fuck knows what, so I lay ontop of her, still pumping away, and splay my arms either side of her shoulders, my hands palm down on the earth for support.

And we remain like this for a couple of minutes, happily fucking away, blowing flies off my face, licking sweat off Emma’s back like a guddun, feeling my cock fill with baby batter with each and every stroke.

I could feel I was about to cum and it was fucking marvellous.

Now, the next part happened in The Matrix style super-slow-motion. It probably only lasted about five seconds, but in my mindseye it seemed to last a couple of fucking years.
As I’m busy enjoying the fresh air, the sun spotting through the trees and casting weird shadows in the foliage, with this incredibly hot and horny Scouse girl under me, sex-swearing like a docker, acting like some kind of fuck-table for my amusement, I suddenly feel an incredible dead weight slam onto my back from behind. With so much force that my cock rammed further inside Emma’s valley of a thousand pleasures and I thought I might be stuck up there forever – we’d end up on the circus freakshow circuit as a pair of weird sexy conjoined twins.

Then I heard the slobbering and I felt something hard and wet slam against my arse cheeks, rimming my chocolate starfish, hammering away like a Black & Decker. I felt something hot and rough go a little way inside me and I leapt backwards and away from my girlfriend with a wet plop.

And in doing so - what with the sudden excitement or shock, or the fact that something warm and hard had just knocked on the door of my backdoor love tunnel - not sure which – but I ejaculated a great slow-motion arch of glistening gonad goo all over Emma’s arse and back and layed a nice load of cock conditioner over her lovely new hairdo. – Under any other circumstances I would’ve thought: Hmmm, impressive cumshot there, matey – well done, have a gold star.

But instead I screamed like a girl.

And Emma screamed, well, like a girl too.

And I looked round sharply and saw Winston fucking Churchill hanging onto my shoulders, slobbering and panting with the kind of rancid breath that could kill a German at a hundred paces...

Only it wasn’t Winston Churchill.

It was a fucking HUGE bulldog that resembled the esteemed former wartime PM, its great big paws wrapped round my neck, its wet lolling tongue dripping drool between my shoulder blades. My God, it was an ugly fucker...

The force of the semi succssessful canine rape had left me reeling and senseless. I shrugged the fucker off my back and he – oh it was very definately a HE – padded happily over to Emma as she lay with her arse in the air trying to right herself. The bulldog then proceeded to greedily lick my hot sticky load from where it was pooling in a sticky cum lake between Emma’s delectible arse valley.

“Arggg! Gettitoff!!!” She screamed.

And I hate to admit it, but I was ever-so-slightly turned on by the sight.

I could see the fucker was thinking about having a go on my girlfriend, it was sort of positioning itself for a rear mounting. Instictively I legged over and booted it up the arse.

It yelped and went running off into the wood back the way it had come.

And there was no other fucker there... the owner had obviously allowed this mut to roam free, to rape, pillage and shit on the paths, no doubt.

Emma and I struggled quickly into our clothes and walked in silence back towards the car. I looked at every dog on the way back and shuddered inside. We got a few weird looks too in return. We were a little dishevelled, and one time when I saw a bloke paying far too much attention to Emma as we walked past, I turned to her, noticed something, and said helpfully:

“You’ve got cum in your hair.”

“Shuttup!” she spat back through clenched teeth.

Eventually, when we got back to the Cleo, the metal and glass protecting us from random acts of wanton unwarrented beastiality, Emma said: “Let’s never mention this again, ok?”

I nod, “Sounds good to me,” and as we drive off I try and lighten the mood a little. “Now, if it was a good looking dog like Lassie it might’ve been a very different situation...”

Emma was not amused. She simply gave me a curt and clipped: “Cunt,” under her breath and kept her eyes firmly on the road. There was something bothering her, something on her mind. When we were closer to my parents house she turns to me and says: “Why did you cum when that dog mounted you?”

And, in all honesty, I didn’t have an answer...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:07, 30 replies)

I can only post ..
If Sparklet Major looks the other way..
I'm in enough trouble as it is..

/cringes
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:06, Reply)

9th - meh
Ah well, still on the 1st page.

Lemme see - how about getting a blow job in the 6th Form Common Room after we finished for the day, whilst the cleaners were mulling around outside the door?

Or the time in the Ladies loo of a pub on the road that goes from Widnes to Warrington (in a cubicle, her bent over the bog, me behind her, staring at the floor thinking "Wow, they've got carpet in the bogs!")...
(Apathyman Prepare to be underwhelmed..., Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:04, 1 reply)

A picnic
The plan was to have a picnic in the woods near where we lived. The talk over ant filled sandwiches, warmly salmonella laden chicken and too hot coke, began to turn dirty.

"Let's have a fuck outside" she said. I grinned and nodded.

We scouted around bit, rejecting places too near the road or the open fields or the well used horse and cycle paths. Eventually settling upon a small clearing in the middle of some dense scrub.

We're standing up against a tree, getting acquainted before the main event. Things are going well, when we hear a loud crashing though the scrub.

Up bounds a large Rottie and sticks it's nose straight into my ladyfriend's crotch.

(no, no, no bestiality here)

She screams and I jump back in surprise. We hear a child's voice calling "Sarah, Sarah. Come back dog."

Time in the clearing stands still, while outside it speeds up. Before we know what is going or or gather our wits, we're joined by the family looking for their dog.

"Ah, you've found out dog, hope she didn't bother you". "*mumble* we're just having a picnic". "In here? Oh."

They sod off, we give up. The moment spoiled.

I've stuck to inside ever since.
( speedyballbangpots, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:03, Reply)

First Page!

I once had a wank in a bush, does that count?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:03, Reply)

6th?
The first girl I ever slept with was young and horny, it was great.

We were at a small house party, only a few of us there. It was the end of the night, and we were all sat round, chatting. We were all walking round in either boxies or pajamas(girls), and me and the missus were taking up one couch, lying under the duvet.

We'd spent the entire night teasing each other, and so were ready to hump like rabbits when everyone was asleep. Unfortunately, this was taking far longer than anticipated.

I was lying at the back of the couch, being the big spoon, she was the little spoon. I was in the middle of a sentence when all of a sudden my voice jumped a bit, as she reached behind me, and started playing with me. I decided to return the favour, so I directed the conversation to her, waited until she was in the middle of a sentence, before I started playing with her.

She reacts the same way as me, only much more obviously. After a few minutes, she starts shifting a little, so I thought she was about to come, I wasn't quite prepared for what happened next.

After a few seconds, while still talking, she reaches behind, grabs my minge-battering-ram, and guides it into her hot, wet clunge. I was most definitely not expecting this, as she never let me go bareback before, even though she was on the pill.

As we were all still talking, we couldn't exactly start going as expected. She made up for this by clenching and unclenching, while very slowly moving her hips up and down.

After about 20 minutes of this, I'm ready to spaff up her, but I know I can't, as there's no way in hell she would be able to clean up without drawing attention, so I had to hold back, and think of England.

About 5 minutes later, people have all just about fallen asleep, so we slowly pull our clothes back on, and slip into the bathroom where we finish the dirty deed.

The next morning I walk into the bathroom to see my friend speaking to her younger brother, who was a mixture between shocked and amused. It turns out he hadn't gone to bed as we'd imagined, he'd got far too drunk, and decided to fall asleep in the bath.

We hadn't noticed him, so when he woke up halfway through he didn't know what the hell to do, so he simply fell back asleep.

It wasn't until the morning that he actually grasped what had happened. It was obvious that it was the two of us, but no-one said a word, and I thought we'd got away with it, until the party girl's (ace) Mum got home, and announced "Right, who fucked in the bathroom?"

I laughed, the missus nearly died.

Good times.

Length? Ask her
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:00, 1 reply)

In a churchyard.
True story.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:00, 1 reply)

not first!
Children's playground

Graveyard

Riverbanks

The ocean

Yay for public sex!
(Holy Gabrielle is Holy, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 13:00, Reply)

second?
damn.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 23 Apr 2009, 12:59, 5 replies)

First!
On a train once. It was a sleeper car though so it doesn't really count.

And a few other places, like the woods on the way home from work that one time. The stories themselves aren't very interesting though. Seems I have a tendancy not to get caught.
( Raindance Work is inversely proportional to post-count, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 12:59, Reply)

First?
Woo!

Fist one to do the 'Ah well vicar, that's nothing compared to what the manager at Tesco said' joke gets minus one meeellion points.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 23 Apr 2009, 12:59, 6 replies)