Back when i was at school...
... our PE theory classroom was in the music department. (Makes sense!) To get to another room you had to walk through our room. Music for 6th formers was only taken by amazingly hot girls. The hottest girl in the school walks through and one lad, a proper knobber, shouts out "Here love, sit on my face".

As quick as a flash our rather cute female PE teacher asks him: "Why? is your nose bigger than your dick?"

She quickly gained our respect and called him dick-nose for the next three years.
(norfolk_is_gay, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 12:57, 5 replies)

I know you
I'm helping a female friend move house, and we'd struggled for some time to get a large wooden cupboard into the back of the van. Finally we'd managed it, and paused for a moment, standing in the van next to the cupboard, to get our breath back.

Now I have long hair and a beard; at the time the hair was blonde (unlike the dingy grey it is now!) and it was not tied up in any way. This is relevant, because at that moment a guy walks around the corner, clocks us, and with divine inspiration blurts out

"Fuck me, it's the lion, the witch and the wardrobe!"

It's only a put-down because he called her a witch, but impressively witty nonetheless
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 12:47, 1 reply)

The family's beloved pet dog.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 12:44, 1 reply)

Many moons ago
on my 21st Birthday, I went out with a few work colleagues and proceeded to get properly ratarsed, one of the blokes had bought his girlfriend with him and to cut a long story short, she was a bit of an attentionseeking madame andhad been annoying everyone. Clearly fed up with not being the centre of attention because it was all about ME, she decided to launch a pithily sarcastic comment in my direction. Watch her fail.

"Well,twenty-one, whatever next?"
"Twenty-two"

It was most definitely all int he delivery. Queue 15 other drunk people, myself included, curling up and crying with laughter.
(GirlOfTheWorld, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 12:34, 3 replies)

My mates
Getting on the bus one day and being kids jumped the queue(like you do)and this old dear pipes up "Do you mind,i'm 76 you know" with that my mate replies"yeah.well i've got longer to live than you"...

Going through a toll bridge my mate asks how much,the toll booth guy replies"5p mate"
my mate replies"fuck me mate i only want to drive over it not buy it"
(badoosh, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 12:34, Reply)

The Friday Nonce
I went to a boys school, which must have been a lure for a certain nonce. We were warned in school that this guy was hanging around, always on a Friday for some reason, attempting to lure boys to go off with him.

Sure enough, one lunchtime as I was heading to the pie shop, he approached me, and said something along the lines of "Do you want to come back to my place?".

Without thinking, I just replied, "No thanks, I roll my own," and walked on by.

OK, so I called myself a wanker, but I was 14 so that was hardly a newsflash...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 12:11, Reply)

After a particularly irksome round of ribbing,
I declared my tormentor to be "a pancreas head". This saw me lauded among my peers as a great wit.

I was seven at the time, and the target of my withering barb had left earshot by the time I delivered it. Still, it impressed those around me, at least until the end of break.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 12:04, Reply)

Mitch

Facebook Status:

Niki: "Hey - I have 99 contacts on my phone! Who wants to be number 100?"

Erik: "Have you got Mitch's number?"

Niki: "No - who's Mitch"

Erik: "99 contacts but a Mitch ain't one...:

Well I liked it.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:40, 9 replies)

Putting down the Europeans...
My husband walked past a guy who was on his mobile phone just in time to hear him say "Do you know what I hate?"

Without breaking stride, my fella looked him in the eye and said "Belgians" before heading off into the distance, with the helpless laughter of the unsuspecting stranger ringing in his ears.
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 11:27, Reply)

Passive agressive
After conducting a concert with a choir, a friend shook my hand to congratulate me, with a big smile on his face: "What a difficult piece, it must be lovely when sung properly." I say friend: I mean wanker.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Went to a "comedy" night...
...with an Aussie mate. One of those in a pub with a sort of small stage and some cheap seats. Comedian comes on stage with a stool and his dog, as he comes on he says "laugh, or the dog gets it".
Sits on stool and picks up microphone. JUST before he utters his first word, Aussie yells "sorry about your dog mate!" Everyone laughs, bloke has no come back to the point his eyes brimmed and he looked like he was about to bolt.
Ruined the poor guy's set so badly we bought him a drink after.
( dysonology "You get an 'ology', you're a scientist!", Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:04, Reply)

Out for a drink with my girlfriend
And a few of our friends at the local pub on a Friday night. There was plenty of banter and everyone was getting nicely sloshed as the evening went by. As the drink flowed the conversation inevitably began to get dirtier and dirtier, you know how it is. Eventually we got on to the topic of our sex lives. When everyone’s last shag was, how often we did it, etc etc. Wanting to join in with the fun, I remarked that I could go all night long, and that I must have the sex drive of a rabbit.

“Yeah, and you’re hung like one as well” said my darling girlfriend. Everyone laughed. Even people on nearby tables who’d overheard laughed. I'm sure even the barstaff enjoyed a few surpressed giggles.

So I grabbed her with one hand by the throat, picked her and choke-slammed her with full force straight into the hard wooden floor. I stood there admiring my work, watching her writhe around on the floor, struggling to breathe with tears in her eyes while everyone else just stood there, open-mouthed. It was without a doubt my greatest ever put-down.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 10:00, 13 replies)

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you
I used to live with three other guys at university, all of us in full-flow mockney etc (kind of Gap Yuh denial in my case). One of them, a Turkish rude boy, was quite feisty. We had a slight falling out once over whose turn it was to charge the electricity key, which quickly escalated, cut to the two of us, nose to nose, screaming insults.
"Fuck off you chavvy Turkish cunt and get a fucking job if you've got no money," says I (we were actually friends though, he was just being lazy etc).
"Shut up you lanky posh cunt, you don't know," he ripostes
"Know what, that you're a muppet?"
He paused, looked at me with utter disdain and said: "Fish."
( dysonology "You get an 'ology', you're a scientist!", Mon 28 Nov 2011, 9:58, Reply)

"Why don't you ask for *my* ID?"
... asked the leering shiny-suited middle-aged twat who had invaded *our* pub with his shiny-suited middle-aged leering mates, to the young, pretty and gay as a handbag full of rainbows barmaid. She'd asked some hipster-y looking student for some ID, he'd produced his student card, he was old enough to sup some ale, so she served him. Now this rather odious prick was thinking he was funny.

"Okay then, before I can serve you I'd like to see some ID" she said.

"Oh, I don't have any, I don't need any!" he smirked

"Ah. Oh well, no ID, no service. I'm afraid you and your friends will have to leave. Now."

At which point a couple of the larger regulars got up to help the smarmy gits find the way to the door. Good riddance.

(monkeyboyalpha's post reminded me of this)
(gordonjcp, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 9:49, 7 replies)

erm
when I was a kid it was rumoured that one of my circle of pals in our neighborhood had had to have an operation on his genitals as a baby because they hadn't developed properly or something...anyway the pal in question was a well known gobshite, piss taker and all round snidey little fucker so it probably all his fault when upon berating one of our group for his new, unfashionable 'short back and slap' haircut he was told to 'fuck off Willy operation'...resulting in a brief fight, lots of tears and then running off home to his mum.

Im also ashamed to say that on several occasions Ive reduced a female colleague to tears by saying 'fuck off shit hair' or 'fuck off fatty'
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 9:32, 6 replies)

www.b3ta.com/questions/putdowns/post1448076
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 9:23, 20 replies)

Quelling the Scots
If you're a pompous Edinburgh manager and one of your staff is Kiwi, try to resist the urge to call him a "colonial." Because he may just turn around with a giant Gotcha-type grin and reply "We're not the fucking colony, mate", like I did.
(mudskipper, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 9:09, 11 replies)

One night outside the Off License...
Little chav: 'Oi mate, gets us some fags!'
Me: 'How old are you?'
LC: '16 innit'
Me: 'Fucking buy them yourself then you lazy shit!'

Kids these days, eh?!
(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 8:49, 3 replies)

"Your right to swing your fist ends
where my nose begins"
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. (March 8, 1841 – March 6, 1935
EDIT: fxed for historical correctness. Said it myself many times and had it said to me on more than 1 occasion.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 28 Nov 2011, 6:34, 5 replies)

When I see you my middle finger gets a massive erection.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 6:21, 6 replies)

Stinkin
When i was a kid My older sister always used to walk into my room and say "You been boiling your pants again?" and then walk straight back out.
(Sherbs, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 23:39, Reply)

An old workmate back when I was roofing.
I worked with a bloke from Australia - oddly everyone called him Oz. Anyhow he was a complete and utter cock. Told the shittiest little jokes all the time and always changed the words to songs on the radio to something loosely related to drugs. I always fantasized about beating him up in front of his kids for some reason.

He ended up getting the sack because he would always try to use three or four pieces of scrap joined together to cover something and show how clever he is instead of using a perfectly good piece of material that had been ordered for the job and was sitting right fucking there.

One day i was replacing one of these aforementioned atrocities and he was waffling on about some shit -
Me; "I've got to hand it to you Oz"
He looked up with that little smile on his face, anticipating a compliment.
Him; "yes?"
Me; "you're a fucking dick"

The boss nearly fell off the roof, never seen him laugh so hard.
(yourmumonastickwithmintsauce, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 22:20, 1 reply)

The mastery of timing and a quick mind
The genius who came out with the following retort will go down in my memory for ever and ever.
It was a quiet saturday lunchtime in my local boozer about 10 years ago.
our landlord was a genuine good laugh who could handle the piss takes as well as dish them out. Thing was, he had a slight disadvantage in that he weighed the best part of 30 stone. Anyways up, our small group of about 5 of us are stood at the bar talking footy etc when in walks a complete stranger. You know how it is when that happens in a local, the place falls silent ( see slaughtered lamb in american warewolf). The said stranger is wearing the loudest knitted jumper you have ever seen and our landlord seeing a gilt edged opportunity jumps in head first
" Hello mate , i like your jumper" ( looks at us for approval).
Stranger , without hesitation replies.
" You probably would, it's a medium"
Cue 5 human beer fountains.
(boarders You won't catch me with my trousers, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 22:02, 5 replies)

I was working on a film and over breakfast i got talking to one of the actors
we introduced ourselves and on hearing my name, in one of those mistaken identity type moments, he said 'oh right! do you do magic?'
to which i replied (ripping off possibly Jimmy Carr) 'no, I had friends as a child'
he was immediately deflated, and walked off saying 'yeah... good one'
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 20:28, 2 replies)

School sports-arse.
There's always at least one, usually several. The sports-arse. Being good at sport means that you can swan around plaguing the lives of the less mentally deficient just because, well, you're good at sports.

After a PE lesson consisting of many failed attempts to play basketball on my part, we are made to sit on a bench while various bits of equipment are packed away. One of the sports-arses starts leaping around, batting the hoop, presumably trying to imitate a slam dunk sans ball.

"I bet you can't do this," as he leaps and touches the hoop.

"Nope, you're right I can't."

"Yeah but watch THIS," and lo and behold he does it again.

"Truly wonderful..."

"Come on, it's EASY! Aren't you even going to try?"

"No Philip, unlike you, I'm really not into touching other people's rings..."
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Sun 27 Nov 2011, 20:12, 1 reply)

"Even the Taliban wouldn't bang you."

( Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 19:56, 9 replies)

Old RAF Appraisal quotes
A few years back, a selection of amusing quotes allegedly written on finalised RAF appraisals (character assassinations) was doing the rounds.

One of my favourites is - "His laziness and low standards of work have alienated the majority of his work mates to such an extent that being on shift with him is seen as a punishment".

I'll bang them in the replies as there is quite a few of them.

*pop*

Oh, apologies if someone has already posted these
(Irresponsible_Techie chin up, wet pants, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 19:51, 5 replies)

back in the day when it was completely legal to grow and own your own shrooms
had just sold some of my latest crop to one of my housemates and after he asked me if wished to partake in christening the shiny new bong he had purchased that day "verily" said i and thus was the quality of said bong and quantity of the weed within 5 minutes i was rather baked.

then came a phone call from a friend i had gone halves on the grow kit with, he had also sold some of our crop to one of his housemates and wished us to go and spend our ill gotten gains but alas his dreams of drinking beer and playing pool at our local were dashed when he saw the state i was in and after hearing my concerns that being in such a place (with a strict no drugs policy and many signs to that effect around the place) would give me "all teh fear in the world" he agreed to a compromise of cider and snacks from the off license on the way to a good friends house to watch some dvds.

it was on the way to said friends house on that cold november night that we were approached by a group of chavy young (around 13 or 14) women all dressed head to toe in the most finest titanium oxide white tracksuits that jjb sports could provide;

"ere you got any fags" one of then eloquently enquired

"alas my dear i dont smoke" i lied

and with that we parted company

until a few moments later when from down the street one of them piped up with

"like shit you dont smoke i can see the smoke coming out of your mouth from here" mistaking my breath on that cold night for a plume of wonderful yet unhealthy tobacco smoke.

within seconds and without a moments thought i replied "arent you lot out past your bedtime?"

this simple question sent them into a rage fueled partly by nicotine withdrawal and frustration at the lack of generosity displayed by the general public in their quest for fill their desire for products derived from the humble tobacco plant.

their pubescent shrieking and howling was still audible from the end of the road though and though in my own slightly altered mind i had uttered the most witty and humorous comment in the history of mankind my mate was less than impressed by the torrent of verbal abuse directed towards us as all the people walking in from of us coincidentally decided to cross to the other side of the road
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 19:51, 3 replies)

More of a Pun-Down
Whilst at college, a tutor came into our classroom for some reason. It was observed that her hand was in a bandage.

Our tutor enquired as to what happened; "Oh, I was separating some frozen steaks with a knife and I slipped"

To which I replied "that was quite a missed-steak"

.....
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 18:00, 7 replies)

The coffee morning manatee
There's a lovely little coffee shop nearby my home. The ritual: wake up, grab a coffee and go off to work has been practiced by myself a good few years.

As I sit sipping back the dregs before heading off; the door violently swings open. In gravitates this mountain of a woman....Instead of muffin top, she had this... Wedding cake tiered effect going on. So like many weight conscious people do, she hid her fat behind what I can only describe as a ribbon. You know the type... All fake tan, fake nails and crimson lipstick, obviously a straggler from the previous nights clubbing run.

Reeking of smoke and vomit she rummages around her Gucci bag.

Siding up to an elderly gentleman, she eloquently asks him

"Aive Gat Naw Maney, Can yoo buy as a drink?"

This wizend old chap turned on his stool, looked the girl up and down before replying:

"Sorry love they don't serve Slim Fast here."
(B4st4rd Has used numbers for letters since, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 17:33, Reply)