You've got a face a dog wouldn't lick
...and dogs lick their own bollocks
(Sawdustman now with added giro. again, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 21:52, Reply)

From the chairwoman to two blokes who were chatting in a meeting
"er...John. Harvey. Have either of you been to a meeting before?"
(rogerzilla, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 21:12, 1 reply)

Quite a while back i went to see the canadian stand up Mike Wilmot in Finchley
I had seen him before and he was pretty funny, but on this occasion he was dying on his arse when he mention that he had been on telly the week before.... To which a guy in the audience shouted "Yea i Saw that" at which Mike replied "oh Good" only for the guy to reply "and you were fucking shit then as well!"

He didn't recover from that and left the stage.
( caffeinefreak, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 21:09, Reply)

Devastating put-down?
Has to be the lady who "howled" after I euthanased her elderly Gordon Setter. That seemed pretty devastating for her in my opinion.
Number two would be the horse I had to put to sleep after the previous vet had ripped the colon during rectal palpation releasing faeces into the abdominal cavity - not pretty. The sight of that Mare's foal pawing at its mothers body seemed quite devastating for the foal.

That was all years ago... but the lady who sang to her dog as I put it to sleep this week comes in the top ten somewhere.
Hey ho.

Edits... Saturday morning wasn't much better - had a bloke in floods of tears this morning. He had no real other option so it was very sad. Lost his pal of 15 yrs.

How do I do it? Its quite simple really - I just console myself with the fact that I know I'm doing the right thing at the right time. Ask me to do it at the "wrong" time and then I dont cope too well. Never too happy with my own pets - lost two this year. You just think they are invincible...
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 20:41, 9 replies)

This is also a pea and not my story, but bears retelling
Dr When used to frequent comedy nights and one day after such a night regaled me with the following tale-

A stand-up comedian was working his way through his set while regularly being heckled by one reveller at the side of the audience. Bravely ignoring him for ten minutes, all of a sudden he broke off his current set-up and announced:

"Ladies and gentlemen- did you know that the average male genital comes in at about six inches long. While the average vagina is capable of accomadating 7 inches of penis. So, on average there's a spare inch of vagina per woman on this planet. If 50% of the 5 billion people on the planet are women then that must mean there's 2.5 billion inches, or around 46 thousand 300 miles of spare cunt in the world."

"And over there" he says, pointing to the heckler " is at least 5 foot 6 inches of it".

A burst of cheers followed by the bloke interjecting loudly 'I'm 5 foot 10 actually".

To which the stand up (who had planned the underestimate deliberately to solicit this riposte) replies "Well you're a bigger cunt than I thought then".

Thanks Dr W.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 20:13, Reply)

Knockback comeback
In the brief period that I joined some of my mates 'out on the pull' (I settled down early), we would occasionally have a little group bet.
Grab a granny, fuck a fatty etc. It was usually ignored in favour of fairer game, but now and then one of us would be pissed enough or skint enough to sell our dignity.

Steve decided one night that it would be worth £50 to 'bump an ugly', and made his move on a picasso model almost within earshot of us. I didn't hear his initial patter or her put-down but the 'talk to the hand' gesture marked her response.

Steve, who's no oil painting himself, replied loud enough for most of the bar to hear:

I've only lost a bet. You've lost a rare chance you snot-gobbling fuckpig.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 20:00, 2 replies)

Vietnam War
My father was in the Royal Navy in the mid to late 1960's, and was once on shore leave in The Phillipines when him and his mates found themselves drinking in a bar with a load of loudmouth American Marines on RnR from Vietnam. The conversation inevitably got to the war and one of the marines asked "how come the British arent involved in Vietnam?". Quick as a flash one of the sailors piped up "its because the Viet Cong are doing fine by themselves". Needless to say there then followed a second of silence whilst these meatheads grasped what had actually been said by which time my Dad and his mates had legged it.
(lengibb73, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 19:55, 3 replies)

Playing in a poker game last year
We were talking about exercise and going to the gym, and I commented that I didn't go as I couldn't see the point. Dan turned to me, absolutely deadpan, and said "I can tell".
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 19:14, 5 replies)

Mainly accidental.
A friend invited me to his local for a drink. A god awful place with bouncers in blue t-shirts with SECURITY printed on them in yellow letters.

0.3 seconds after 'time', the lights came on and these wankers started marching around the place grabbing unfinished drinks out of people's hands belowing at them to get out.

A particularly overweight one lumbered over to our table, took breath to start issueing our marching orders when I found myself saying;

"Nice tits mate!....oh hang on ...no..I didn't mean it like that...I thought you were a bloke...erm...sorry"

Whoops.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 19:06, Reply)

At work a few years back, one of the girls was going around with mistletoe,
being Xmas everyone was obliged to pucker up.
My colleague was asked "would you kiss me under the mistletoe?"
He responded with "I wouldn't kiss you under general anaesthetic."

Harsh but quick. Never did say where he got it from cos we don't believe he made it up on the spot.
( NooShmoo It's a fantazmagorical pile of ultra bollocks, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 18:59, 1 reply)

big issue
A couple of years in Brighton town center near the clock tower their was a particulary obnoxious big issue seller. Instead of the usual"Big issue! Help the homeless!" to attract the punters it was more a case of "oi blue shirt " "oi old man" "oi tubby!"and so on .As i walked past he called out "oi ginge" .
(this pissed me off) So i slowed and said to him "Sorry im in a rush"
"So where ya off too thats SOOOOOOOOOO important then?"

Looking him straight in the eye " Somewhere you cant go ....... home!"
Que his jaw dropping and flapping and a lot of laughing from people waiting to cross the road.
(welgar, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 18:49, 3 replies)

I had a place in cyprus, and I went drinking with the lads, there was 5 of them plus me, they're all married with kids, but real playboys types, all in their 40s. I was only about 24 at the time.
There was a company rep there, drinking with us, I forgot her name, but she was shagging 3 of the blokes. Now, when these developments go up, they have something called a "Snagging list", which is a list of things all the little jobs they need the builders to do, like painting over cracks and shaving off the door. All tiny things really.

So we were drinking away when she then says "I'll see to all your snagging lists tomorow, make sure they're being seen to proper".

My reply without even thinking or a second's hesitation was "Best Euphanisum EVER". This was followed by some laugh-so-much-you-choke/spit-out-drink and her walking off in a big huff.

It wasn't really meant as a put-down, I thought she was alright, but a complete and utter slut, but it was just the perfect timing.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 18:38, 2 replies)

A Little Light pearoasting
Year ago, my mate Rich and I were regulars at the Greyhound, where we'd play pool and drink beer. A great boozer - the kind of place where they'd be pouring your pint as soon as they see you at the door if you've been there more than twice. Anyway, one summer evening Rich is beating me hollow at the pool table, as he was wont to do, when a backpacker-looking bloke staggers in, clearly shattered after a long day travelling and lugging all his worldly goods around on his back.

He took a good few minutes to unload his rucksack, sleeping bag, then take off his kagoule, etc. Meanwhile all eight or ten of us in the pub (it was a weeknight) were watching in that friendly way people do when they're regulars and you're not.

It turns out he's American. "Say, you have a notice outside saying you serve food all day?" he drawls.

The barman, who's a bit of a wag, says drily "Take a look out of the window. It's dark." The kitchen's still open for business, he's just taking the piss.

Backpacker bloke sighs heavily, then starts putting all of his gear back on, one piece at a time, then turns on his heel and staggers off into the night. Serenaded by gales of laughter coming from the pub.

I'm not sure whether the tourist was the ignorant one, or the barman, but man, it was funny!
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 18:35, 3 replies)

In History at school..
Mr Kendrick threatened the whole class with lunchtime detention, adding "It's not bother for me, I shall be here anyway"

I replied "Why? Won't they let you in the staff room?"

I was sat at the front, everyone in earshot laughed and there was no more talk of detentions - not even for me!
(bob_grizwold, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 17:56, Reply)

Stupid Englishman
after about 30 minutes of an Englishman gallantly fighting a losing battle of wits against a Welshwoman about the relative merits of their countries...

Stupid Englishman - Well then, if Wales is so great, why are you working in England? Why don't you fuck off home?

Welshwoman - No work there in my area :(

SE - Ha ha ha ha, see, Wales is so shit you have to come here to get a job .... *looks smug* .... So what do you do then?

WW- I work with people with learning difficulties!
( cakeburglar still bored with Freebase, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 17:46, 5 replies)

Heeeed!!!!!
Mike Myers when he was funny
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 17:11, 1 reply)

there was this one time...
...and i shouted words and everyone fell about.

it was amazing.
(NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:55, 11 replies)

He had low self esteem anyway.
A few years ago my place of employment had a few events to raise money for Children in need. All of them were poorly thought out and had minimal entertainment value, but one had a cash prize associated with it so I thought for the sake of a quid to charity if I lost, I'd give it a shot.

The idea was, a number of members of staff had brought in photos of themselves as children and we had to guess who was who. Some were obvious, the rest of the boxes that needed completing were just randomly filled in with the remaining selections from the list of names.

With 5 O'Clock looming, the (rather portly) MD stood in front of the office and proudly announced the paltry sum raised in front of the office, before announcing the people who had won various prizes in the competitions.

He got to the competition I had entered, and decided to draw attention to my answers. He told the whole office that I clearly didn't pay attention as I had put his name next to a picture of what was quite evidently a young girl, wearing a training bra.

I don't like people trying to humiliate me, so in front of absolutely everyone responded with "To be fair, I thought that there was a real possibility that you had tits back then too."

He was upset, yet somehow, I still work there.
( Muns, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:49, Reply)

"Blue" Comedian
A few years ago I was naive enough to think that I could give stand up comedy a go. I worked up about 5minutes worth of material and took it to the toilet pubs and new comedian nights of Central London.

I soon found myself in the quarter final of a new acts competition. It being only one round after the entry heats it was still an enjoyable mix of experienced acts looking to bag an award and enthusiastic newbies such as myself.

On before me was a portly chap who fell under the newbie description. I'd seen him in the first round, his character was a younger Roy Chubby Brown type, telling rude jokes about vaginas etc. So I knew what to expect.

Sporting a bright blue double breasted suit jacket, he ran on stage, confidently grabbed the mic and pointed to the garment shouting "I'm wearing this tonight ladies and gentlemen, to give you all a clue what my act's about".

The room was completely silent, but he waited expectantly for at least one wily audience member to shout back "it's blue".

Instead one bloke at the back of the room called back the loudest I've ever heard "Is it about Jackets?!"

The whole room erupted into roars of laughter and he never regained his composure for the whole act.
(CharlieSomethingElse, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:44, 6 replies)

once went to a working men's club in blackpool
whilst on a weekend break. i was already pretty tanked when the artiste arrived, a very large drag queen/comedian in a terrible outfit.
he was very funny, had us all in stitches the whole time. i actually managed to make him stop his act twice, due to his being unable to stop laughing.
first time, he told us he was writing a book about all the women in his life. "that's not a book," i piped up, "that's a pamphlet!"
second time, he was singing My Way. as it got to the bit about facing the final curtain, i said "yeah, but you shouldn't have made that dress out of it!"
it wasn't particularly big or clever, but i was pissed and he found it very funny :)
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:43, Reply)

One a mate told me years ago
The Computer Sales Manager where my mate was working was busy laying a pipe. He was interrupted to be told that an important customer was on the 'phone and insisting on speaking to him urgently, to which he replied "Tell him I can only deal with one shit at a time so he'll have to wait"
(RTFM May your god go with you, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:34, Reply)

I need a good put-down
my boss thinks she can hum, not sing, but hum to anything that's on the radio. Its terrible and out of tune. I need a good put-down, but one that doesn't get me sacked etc.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:29, 11 replies)

I've used this one more than once.
On occasion, young whippersnappers make reference to my advancing years. I've been called 'Grandad', 'You old twat' etc etc. To which my reply is "I've been your age sonny, with a gob like that, you ain't gonna reach mine".
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:25, Reply)

Building site banter!
Back when I was a student in Ireland, I worked on the roads and building sites during my summers. One day I was helping sort a pipe, down a hole in the middle of a road, with a workmate. When miss snobby bitch from no-where took it upon herself to have a go at us for her being late getting to her office. She turned and was about to return to her car, when my mate says, "Fuck off ya bitch". She turned and marched right back and said, "Would you be brave enough to say that to my FACE!?!" To which he calmly said, "I would if I could tell the difference between your arse and your face!"

She didn't know what to say back to him as he smiled at her.

Kept us giggling all day!
( Q4nobody, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:20, Reply)

My brothers favorite
I'll rip your arm off, shove it up your arse and beat you to death with a shitty arm!
(Adaminho, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:08, 1 reply)

Fuck money
Working behind the bar one night with my mate I heard him inform a particular dick of a customer that

"Your Mum owes my dog fuck money"

Everyone was speachless ...... couldn't even tell you what was said before hand but I had to pat him on the back for a putdown that seemed to tick all the boxes.

Kind of a Mum joke so sorry.
(Timrot, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:01, 1 reply)

Not me but a mate.....
Was once in a cafe in Blackpool wearing his admittedly dodgy looking 80's sunglasses when a group of ladies, eylashes a flutter, sent him over a note that read:

"Should have gone to Specsavers"

He followed this up with another note that read simply:

"Should have gone to Weightwatchers"
(superkitty is neither super nor a kitty, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:00, 1 reply)