I once made one bleed...
in the loo's in a pub. We halted proceedings while he took his mate to one side to show him the horror.

It was rather disturbing to be honest, but then I guess he'll know to attempt a warm up in the future.

Length? As much as I can get please, as long as it's got the girth to match.
(Beacon, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:07, 4 replies)

Wanking for an audience
An ex-girlfriend of mine asked me if I'd wank infront of her. She said it would be sexy.

So, I get down to work, pumping away on the wee chap and grunting like a gibbon.

After a few minutes of gazing intently at me pleasuring myself, with a look on her face as if she was conducting a science experiment in school, she says matter-of-factly:

"You can stop now. It's not doing anything for me."

I was suddenly pretty ashamed, though I still said: "Erm, would you mind if I finished myself off?"
( SpankyHanky, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:06, 6 replies)

Fat

chick
(teebie jeebie, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 10:59, 5 replies)

Sssssssssst
A few years ago when I'd just moved into my own place, I was loving the freedom of being able to walk around stark bollock naked for most of my waking hours. This meant I did everything with no clothes on, cooked, cleaned, ironed clothes.. (I think you can see where this is going).

One day I had to leave my shit-tip of a flat to go for a job interview, so out comes the shirt and pants, creased as fuck as they'd been folded up in a box for the past 3 months. Out comes the ironing board, and the iron- now I'm stood there ironing my shirt with my pecker dangling around all over the place, sneezed violently, iron in hand.. Mid-sneeze my knob ends up on the ironing board and i went straight over the poor little fucker with the iron. I still have the scar 5 years later.

=(
(addikt, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 10:56, 1 reply)

Getting it stuck!
Back in the days of discovering masturbation and wanking in the bath (Not done anymore due to the pube mess it seems to leave) I discovered my mum had bought some pound land shampoo and whilst washing I notived it had a wider than average neck.

When your younger you get the fascination of holding the bottle underwater so it glugs and fills up with water, then you squeeze it out.

You can see where this was going, I pushed all the water and stuck it on me ol' chappy and let go.

It got stuck, then boner hit it got wedged.

I couldnt get that fucker off for love nor money, after 30 minutes of prunie panic I decided I better ask mum for assistance.

I legged it into the front room in tears with a shampoo bottle wedged on my cock. It took what felt like hours to get off. What makes it worse is my cousin had stopped by for tea.

16 years on, Im still not allowed to forget it.
(zenzeypher, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 10:55, 1 reply)

SHEEEEEIT
Well as it's simply the worst QOTW, like, ever *draws back the mists of time*.

3rd year of Uni, my housemate fails to remember her laptop at home and said flatmate's neighbours nanny brings it with her a few weeks later on a trip up to the great polis that was my university town.

She comes round for supper with us all. We get drunk. We go dancing. We kiss. Flynbo makes the inspired decision to insist on her place (a charming hostelry run by a now far from innocent old lady).

We get naked. She goes for it like a Duracell bunny (being a Canadian in England is not conducive to getting laid, clearly) and asks, no begs, for one in the bum. Being a gentleman, Flynbo willingly obliges. *Brown-wings: CHECK*

Coitus over, he falls in to a deep and dreamless post-brown wings sleep. Only to be woken a few minutes later by repeated knocking at the hotel room door. "That's odd" says Flynbo, and goes to open it. Said nanny is in the hallway, naked as the day she was born. "Very odd" says Flynbo and returns to the land of nod. Only to be awoken by moaning coming from bathroom. "Oh holy mother of gypsy Jesus, she's prolapsed EVERYWHERE" says Flynbo to himself.

It was then that Mr. Flynbo emitted the now immortal line: "do you need an ambulance?". The response to the negative was more than enough permission to high tail it the hell outta there, dodging piles of doodoo in both the room and the hallway of said charming hostelry.

As Clay Davis of THE WIRE fame would say: "That's some shameful sheeeeit."
(flynbo puts this one down to his misspelt youth, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 10:39, Reply)

It's 1981, Birdie Song is at Number One, and I'm four years old
I'm in a big hospital with my mummy. I'm here because the doctor told my mummy that my willy was broken and needed to be fixed. It's ace! I've got my own room and everything!

Some nurses have taken me out of my room. My bed has wheels on and they're just pushing me along. Wheee! This is great! Hang on, why is my mummy stopping. They're telling her that she can't come with us. Oh, and now my mummy is crying. Why is mummy crying? The nice nurses are telling me that I'm going to be ok. Doesn't mummy know that I'll be ok? I'll tell her. Oh . . . she's gone.

They've wheeled me into a room with lots of other nice people. One of them has put a big rubber mask over my face. Yuck! It smells gross! He's asking me to count to ten. That's easy! I can do that! One - Two - Three - F . . .

. . . . our. Oh. What happened there? Where have the nice people gone? And why am I back in my room? Oh well, there's mummy. She looks happy to see me! And she's giving me orange juice to drink. Hang on, I don't feel very . . . BLUURRRGGH! Oh, sorry mum. I'm sleepy, I think I'll lie back down now.

They're taking me somewhere else now. And I'm in a wheelchair! How cool is that! Oh, it's bath time. Great! I love bath time! That bubble bath that they're putting in looks weird - it's all brown, and it's making the water cloudy. Oh well. Into the bath we go.

ARRRRRGGHHHHH!!! MY WILLY'S ON FIRE!!!!!! OW, OW, OW!

Hang on. There's something wrong with my willy. What the-

MUM . . . HALF OF MY WILLY IS MISSING!

I will never trust another grownup, not even if I live to be five years old.

~~~~~~~~~~

And that, ladies and gents, is what circumcision feels like when you're four years old. They put 14 stitches in my old chap, all of which went bad and had to taken out.

So if someone ever tells you that circumcision doesn't hurt, you just tell them from me: YES IT FUCKING DOES!

Luckily everything is fine now, and MrsC is currently expecting baby number two. Yay for my willy!
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 10:26, 9 replies)

This QOTW is bollocks
Or at least something in that general vicinity.

Apologies if bindun.
(Capo, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 10:20, Reply)

I nearly killed my Dad
Due to over-use wearing it out I had to have the old foreskin snipped off one week after my 30th birthday. (It wasn't cool timing either as I'd just started banging this filthy posh chick who was up for anything and six weeks out of the game did not go down well. But I digress...)

Now, when they kosher-up babies it's not a big deal as there isn't much to take off; it's a bit like sharpening a pencil. When you have a thirty year old wang to deal with however it's a little more complicated, so a general anaesthetic is required.

One condition of them doing the operation was that someone had to come and collect me and stay with me for the next 24 hours, just in case I had an adverse reaction to the anaesthetic. Seeing as I lived alone that was a problem. So, I bit the bullet and phoned my Dad to see if he could do it. My Dad was always quite cool about what many would describe as deeply personal things and often used to regale my brother and I with stories of how he "fucked his way round Spain" in the 60s.

At the time he was retired and had a lot of time on his hands, so he was happy to make the trip up to help out his number one son. He was, however, also in very poor health and had to avoid any stress and strain.

Fast forward to the day of the operation and I came round in the recovery room. As I wake up on the trolley dressed in one of those smock things which have your arse hanging out, Dad's sat there looking a touch uncomfortable but not too bad. One of the pre-conditions of them discharging you is that you have to be able to have a piss on your own. So, once I stop feeling woozy I hop off the trolley to go and use the toilet.

Now, while I had been laying down rather a lot of blood had collected in the gauze they had wrapped around my wounded John Thomas. As I stood up there was an almighty splash as half a pint of claret straight from my injured todger hit the floor. My Dad went absolutely grey and had an expression on his face that could only be described as that of someone who is horrified, sickened and paralysed with fear. I nearly finished the poor old bastard off! He wasn't the same for some time.

Length? Well, at the time the length didn't change but it swelled up to a good four inches in diameter for a few days
(give it six weeks and it might clear up would like to butter your muffin, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 10:12, 1 reply)

Multiple memories
of putting transfer fake tattoos on it as a young child
( Peach Motorbike I hate the cut of your jib, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 10:12, 1 reply)

Pe-rost.
Not strictly my penis, but near enough.

Painful and FUCKIN STOOPID
Decided to have a vasectomy a few years back. So there I am, lay on me back, meat and veg on display and the Dr. injects BOTH MY BALLS and the pubic region above the winkle. That fuckin hurt like you would NOT believe. Anyhoo, after a few minutes the anaesthetic has kicked in, Dr's cutting (no pain) but I can feel a vague pulling. I mention this and Dr. says "Where ?". Not thinking properly, I move my hands down trying to hold them over the discomfort. Unfortunately, I stuck my sweaty hands ONTO the sterile cloth and nearly stuck my fingers INTO my scrote ! Looks of panic from Dr and nurses (but I luckily avoided an infection).
On the plus side I got a few days of work and got to wank myself stupid for the next few weeks !
(Oh yes, the smell of burning flesh as they cauterise your tubes is pretty disturbing too)
(kitescreech still here, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 10:05, 6 replies)

Brown Marker
Shane was a big lad. A very big lad. Built like a concrete shithouse, he'd captained the regional team back in Ireland when he was younger and a mere six foot seven. Our hypothesis, therefore, was that one too many scrums to the head had knocked out what little judgement and wisdom he had. Shane could be told anything - anything at all - and so long as you kept a straight face he'd take it as sworn truth.

I first met Shane a few years ago during my fresher year at uni through some mutual friends down the local student gaffe. He was in full Arsenal gear, sipping at a pint of Guinness while his deity team were getting crushed by whoever they were playing (I don't do football). 85 minutes in and the reds are down 3-0. At this point I get a tap on my shoulder from Shane asking if this meant Arsenal would lose the match.

I had to stop for a second to make sure he wasn't pulling my leg. Now, I'm a firm believer that if you ask someone a stupid question, you should expect a very stupid answer in return. This was prime opportunity in my eyes.

'Na mate, the premier league works like Eufa.'
'What do you mean?' he slurred. The booze was kicking in.
'Well, you know how they play legs in the Champion's League, and whoever has the higest score after 2 games goes through? It's the same here. Arsenal beat them 4-0 last time, so as long as they don't conceed again, they win.'

Without so much as a whiff of doubt, he cracked a huge smile and returned to the match. When the whistle was blown, all 15 stone of Ireland's finest leapt onto the table in full celebration, which resulted in every non-Arsenal fan simultaneously cracking up.

So you could say he was a bit gulliable, but nonetheless Shane became a firm associate of mine during our pub adventures as I had the innate ability to warp his perceptions without hint of remorse. The fellow publicans adored these fool thoughts of his, and we'd all chip in with the corruption.

One night, on our ninth or tenth pint the conversation inevitably turned to the ladykind, where a confession slipped that Shane had never 'dunked his tortilla chip', as he put it. Well then, let's get that sorted. I knew (from friends and not personal experience, obviously), a very seedy little strip bar in a back alley, which we concluded would be a good place to pick up loose women. A swift one for the road, and off we fucked.

Many eye candy performances by the girls later, and Shane has his eyes fixed on Poison Ivy (not original, I know), a redhead in school uniform not unknown for her toying with classroom equipment. As part of her routine, an old-fashioned chunky marker pen would, well, take a detour down the dirt road for the paying eyes of the viewer while Schools Out blared in the corner (not original, I know). After 'relieving' herself, the pen in its newfound brown glory is hurled off the stage, into the eager lap of Shane. It was not a pretty sight. An explosion of rage was expected as his jeans now embraced a much darker colour. Not a look of anger in sight, but one of hope.

'Foxy, mate, what do you think this means? Have I pulled?'

Again, let's see how much bull I can throw at Shane without cracking.

'Well Shane, you know how when a bride throws the bouquet, the person who catches it is the next to get married? Whoever catches the stripper's sex toy is the next one to fuck her'

That gleaming look reappeared. That gleaming look which meant no question was raised of my explanation. With all the charm of 12 or so pints, Shane leaps from his chair to clamber onto the stage, whips his cock out while gesturing the universal sign for making the beast with two backs. Ivy responds with a perfectly pitched slap to the face while two heavies attempt to bundle Ireland's finest. They fail and all hell breaks loose like an old Western as Shane levels most of the furniture, meat and veg swinging in the rage.

And that, my friends, is what Shane fool thinks Ivy dung with a pen is.

Oh, so Pooflake can and I can't?
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Fri 13 Mar 2009, 9:47, 7 replies)

I was once given a 6-month sentence
for an unprovoked physical attack on the Most Reverend and Right Honourable Rowan Williams.

To be honest I didn't really see what was so fun about it.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 9:21, 3 replies)

has anyone said....
....your mum?
(nonstopdancer, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 9:15, 1 reply)

Trunk Monster
Twas the glorious hot summer of '93. I was a student up in Manchester. My mates and I decided it would be a laugh to go to the local swimming pool and twat about on the slides.

One problem: I didn't have any trunks. Never really saw the need in them, what with the lack of sunny golden beaches with glorious azure water in the Greater Manchester area.

No problem: I had a pair of baggy black boxers that would do the trick.

Now, I'm actually an incredibly smug git when it comes to swimming. Used to dive for my county and I'm really rather fucking good at it. Could say I've almost got gills.

When we turn up at the pool, get changed, and venture out to the fun area, I'm pleased as fuck to see they have diving boards. Lots of um. They even had a 15' one.

Being Johnny-Big-Bollocks I immediately shot up the ladder and performed the sort of dive a dolphin at Seaworld would've clapped its slippers at and say: "Now that's a fucking perfect dive, that is - wish I could do that."

I clambered out the pool and waited for the adulation from my mates and the great and good people of the metropolitan Manchester area.

Instead all I heard was a shrill female voice proclaim: "It's a MONSTER!!!"

I glanced down and saw my spam dagger hanging outside the slit in my boxers, it appeared to want to know why the fuck it was suddenly wet and cold and what the fuck the big SPLASH was moments earlier.

Fuck.

I put him away and decided not to bother with the diving boards anymore.

I was actually quite proud some girl had referred to my spunk sword as a monster.

Admittedly, she was only about seven, but I tend to take the compliments where I can get them.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 9:09, 3 replies)

Office banter
One quiet day at the office, apropos of nothing, I blurted out to a colleague "Last night I discovered I can fit my little finger into my urethra."

At precisely that moment our sweet, innocent secretary walked in to distribute some photocopying. Poor thing can't look me in the eye any more.
(I grew it myself, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 9:05, 2 replies)

I think
It might have been Billy Connolly who said he onced shagged a bird who was so loose that it was like "opening the window and fucking the night."
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 8:53, Reply)

Limerick
There once was a man named Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
'Twas not for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But for the chees underneath.


I'll get my hat
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 8:51, 1 reply)

The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a pen is
finishing this sentence.

apologies if bindun
(kitescreech still here, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 8:48, 2 replies)

Posted previously as a reply, but hopefully deserving
When at university I had a bit of a urinary infection so trotted off to the doctor. I was just about to go into his office when he casually said "I've got a medical student working with me, you don't mind?" I was caught off guard and immediately muttered that it was no problem, only to find the med student was a gorgeous female med student.

I drop my trousers and pants, and the doctor proceeds to prod my todger with his pen. My todger immediately gets all shy and disappears, making it appear like I have an acorn for a cock.

Doctor: "Is it always this small?" Beautiful med student hides behind clipboard and giggles hysterically. I felt I got my own back on the doctor though when he thoughtfully sucked on the end of his pen while pondering how to complete my prescription.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 8:24, 2 replies)

I was really lazy about training it
and it woke the whole house up really early...

wait, never mind. I was thinking of my cock.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 7:12, 2 replies)

I once put my boyfriends willy
in my brothers bum and made my boyfriend stroke my brothers willy.

could be a lie, but fucking hell, what a stupid qotw
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 6:04, Reply)

Not mine but still
I work in a real estate. One of our property officers, I shall call him Vasko, for all the usual reasons, had an interesting first day.

Interesting as in side splitting-ly funny for the rest of the office and a constant source of shame to him.

He went out with one of the sales guys to put up a sign in the window of an apartment. Whilst there he noted the hot girls sunbaking on the roof of the lower building next door and duly pointed them out to the sales guy.

So far so good, our office is a bit unconventional and we all like a good perv when the chance is offered.

The shaming part was when Vasko turned to the other guy and said

"So what do you reckon we whip 'em out and see who comes on the window first?"

To a senior staff member on his first day at a new job. When they got back to the office the story was duly related to everyone and has since been told to every new staff member on their first day.

I'm still wondering how and why he turned up for the second day, I couldn't have.

EDIT: I forgot to put in the sales guy's reply, which was

"Yeah, no one would know who did that- what with 2 big streaks of cum framing a (agency name) sign. Good idea Vasko."
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 2:43, 2 replies)

Slimer
Never have sex with a boy who has a projector in his bedroom and insists on pausing Ghostbusters while you insert Tab A into Slot B.

The night I made that mistake is the night I found out that looking up at Dan Aykroyd's shocked expression made a million times bigger by being stretched across the wall all the way through sex makes me feel ashamed.
(reducedfatLOLcat, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 2:11, 3 replies)

Might as well take this opportunity...
...to introduce you guys to candiru and compound lack-of-funny with tenuous and terrifying. Sweet dreams!

www.damninteresting.com/?p=797
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 2:05, 2 replies)

Asked it to choose a question for the week?
Bindun I expect. Meh.
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 1:49, Reply)

well blow me down.
none of these answers are fucking funny.
who'd have thought?
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Fri 13 Mar 2009, 1:35, Reply)

Those that know me
Will know that for a variety of reasons, I don't have a personal story for this week. I will, however, relate one told to me by a barmaid friend of mine recently.


It was New year's eve. She and numerous friends had set up shop in their local for the evening, with the avowed intention of drinking it dry. This comes with certain problems, not least of which is the need to go to the toilet.

Unlike those of a more paranoid nature (i.e. me), she didn't think to finish her drink first. It was promptly seized by one of her 'friends', and carried to the male toilets.

Where the 'friend' proceeded to wank into it.

Did they tell her before she finished the drink?

Did they fuck.






The thing that worried me most, though, was that she still insisted he was a good friend...
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 1:19, 5 replies)

Hope no one's done this yet
BATWING BITCH!*
(technically I 'spose that mainly concerns the testes, but whatever).

I used to do a variance on The Batwing when I was a kid that I called "Penis Trampoline". Simply stretch your ballsack from either side with both hands and flick your wrists up and down so your penis leaps up and down like an ugly kid on a trampoline. Beats the piss out of a Slinky.

*only makes sense if you've seen "...Waiting"
(ElGranto, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 1:03, 2 replies)

Mrs Liveinabin reminded me
www.ironhymen.com/

Females! Be educated!
(Helixdaunting, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 0:39, 2 replies)