Cycling
Are you a driver? Do you HATE cyclists? Do you think them arrogant, lycra-clad louts who have no right on the road as they don't pay 'road tax'? Do you long to mow the bastards down? TELL US YOUR STORY

Are you a cyclist? Do you HATE motorists? Do you think them impatient, ireful, ignorant idiots, who don't understand that there is NO SUCH THING AS ROAD TAX FFS?! Are you pissed off with being cut up, gobbed on, and generally intimidated? TELL US YOUR STORY

Are you a pedestrian? GET OUT OF MY WAY THEN YOU FUCKING CUNT.

Tell us your stories of cycling whether you are a motorist, cyclist, pedestrian or indeed all three.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 11:55, Reply)

The most stupid and yet amusing way I have injured myself
(there are numerous stories, but this one is best I feel) is this: I was walking along the landing in my house. I went past my girlfriend who was bent over looking at something low down. Naturally, I spanked her across the arse with the book I was holding, but followed through the swing way too much and hit myself in the eye with the spine of the book, really quite hard.

Both hilarious and painful for all involved.

Tell us your stories
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:42, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Halloween
Last Halloween a few mates and I went on one of those Jack the Ripper walking tours. By the end of the tour half our group had managed to get shitfaced, one had managed to break his wrist, and another had successfully chatted up a pretty Brazilian girlie who turned out to be a man.

And did we see Jack the Ripper? Did we fuck!

Halloween - tell us your tales of this wonderful, mystical, and deeply religious day...
( SpankyHanky, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 13:24, Reply)

Lie to me
Lie, tell the tallest story you can.

It's got to be:

Funny.
Original (trust me, someone WILL find you out)
Filthy (optional)

Basically, that shit you've been saying to your mates for years, tell us now.

(I have a feeling this has been QOTW before)
( gingerfreak Why? Why not., Wed 7 Oct 2009, 2:37, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Foreigners
Tell us your stories on foreigners just being foreign or when you've been a foreigner in a distant land and ballsed it up somehow.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 15:43, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Motorway Madness.
Drivers, non-drivers, everyone's got a funny driving story, like the time I nearly crashed into the back of a speedboat at 80 mph. Or arriving at my destination so desperate for a pee that I couldn't actually get out of the car....
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 12:07, Reply)

Stalking

I moved several times to avoid a real life stalker, but recently they found me via the internet and sent a message.
A bit freaked , but know now due to their current circumstances I'm not going to bump into them.
Have you ever been stalked either in real life or via the internet?
Or have you ever been a stalker yourself?
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 0:06, Reply)

Faux pas fuck up
I once spent New Year's Eve at a girlfriend's grandparent's house with her and her extended family (it was as exciting as it sounds). Near to midnight, we all buggered off over the road to go and see some OAP friends for a drink.

After several glasses of our host's finest bubbly, we all trouped out the front door wishing them well and good health etc for the New Year. As I've been brung up proper, like, I offered my hand to warmly shake the host's hand and thank him for his hospitality.

It was then that I realised that he had no arm. So I shook his stump. Everyone saw.

Every wanted the ground to open up and swallow you? Share your tales of social etiquette gone wrong.
(Tighthead, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 18:28, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Tales from the Interview...
Either side of the table, the strangest places you've gone for a job, or the strangest people you've interviewed.
(MattWPBS, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 8:50, Reply)

Lateral thinking:
For instance - to really attract men, perfume should smell of Bacon.
( MatJ LOOK, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 1:48, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Honest, Its not what it looks like
Ever been caught out doing something that you wasn't really doing
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 1:28, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Sports accidents
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I refuse to believe that this wouldn't be good.
( MatJ LOOK, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 14:48, Reply)

can you write a QOTW answer that doesnt start....
Many moons ago.....
(suboftheday, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 14:00, Reply)

conversations you wish you'd not had
A while back a friend of mine was got a taxi to go to the airport.
He started talking about football ect the usual banter, then the driver said he'd has some operation or other and started listing the things he had been unable to do the last couple of weeks e.g washing, gardening, wanking.
the last one became the topic of conversation (one way) for the next 15-20 mins.
(suboftheday, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 13:58, Reply)

What's the best deal you ever got?
In my last job, I had expenses that were examined, to a forensic degree, by an evil, eagle-eyed bureaucratic prick every month. Failure to supply an explanation resulted in removal of the total from the staff bonus.
Despite this, we got on all right. Once I was on exes for a three-night stay, in an unfamiliar town, and had a 10 quid food allowance. I found that the restaurant I eventually chose had three basic price levels: the bare minimum, the in-between, and the downright scandalous.
Having eaten a (very tasty) steak sandwich, I asked for a receipt. And then asked for a duplicate. Because the receipt provided bore the legend: "Inter course - 7.95"
Made me a legend in the accounts department. Mainly on account of my supposed haggling skills.
( wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 21:16, Reply)

Supermarkets
One of my earliest memories is of my sister and I simultaneously jumping onto the side of the full shopping trolley that my mum was pushing at Tesco, pulling it over. Things smashed. She cried.

Tales of supermarket woe please! Or supermarket joy if you find attempting to wield a paraplegic metal cart around an assault course of open-mouth-gum-chewers who argue with the checkout lady over the 6-bag limit on 5kg bags of value chips entertaining.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 13:29, Reply)

Smashed
When was the last time you smashed something through pure rage. Points deducted for smashing a cup and/or plate after dying in WOW.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 12:20, Reply)

Tradesmen/women
Anything good/bad/funny/sad happen when you had to call on the services of a Carpenter/Mechanic/Plasterer/Plumber/Cobbler/Stonemason etc?
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 11:29, Reply)

Something from this page
That will lead to lots of funny/interesting/enlightening stories.

Rather than something thought up at the last minute/repeated from years ago.

I know it's asking a lot....
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 9:44, Reply)

How you've angered/annoyed a celebrity.
Variations of this have been done, but surely new celebrity stories have been happening on a daily basis since then.

I just like to hear about celebrities being put in their place face to face from you.

Celebrities from all venues but ......extra credit for political celebrities being targeted by your verbal superiority.
(barrycounty, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 18:34, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

"Nerdy" references
When people offer a big issue to one of my friends he says "you do not want to sell me death sticks" accompanied by the jedi mind trick hand action that goes with it. Another of my friends had poor service on his phone and ended up yelling Dad? Dad? DAAAAAAAAD? cue Metal gear solid gameover music
(Mikethfc, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 19:02, Reply)

Explain your Name!
One thing that we, as B3tards, have in common are the strange and mysterious monikers we go by on this very site. Those curious nom-de-plumes from behind which we pour our scorn and ridicule upon each other; these curious masks of anonymity which allow us to share our deepest secrets and darkest fantasies. Where did your B3tard name come from and why do you call yourself what you do?

G'wan, you show me yours and I'll show you mine!
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Tue 29 Sep 2009, 12:22, Reply)

Moving house?

( MatJ LOOK, Mon 28 Sep 2009, 17:20, Reply)

so credit has crunched
a million careers have been culled, lifestyles laid bare

whats your best reason to keep your head out the oven
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 20:48, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Incompetence
Tell us about people's total lack of ability in a particular field. Or your own, of course.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 12:19, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Stories too bizarre to be true (but actually are)
From the pub gob shite to the school liar, everyone knows someone who spins a fancy yarn, but some of these tall tales are actually true.

I once escaped a con man in India, only to be nearly killed by a pack of dogs (three weeks after coming off a motor bike). True i tell ye.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 1:23, Reply)

What did you used to believe when you were little?
I used to believe that my fanny knew it was OK to pee because it would see light as I pulled my red cord flares and pants down.
I tried to fool it by peeing in the dark and got very confused when it worked. Missed the loo though.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 23 Sep 2009, 21:13, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Breaking Stuff
A mate of mine was telling me how, while helping his girlfriend move flat, he managed to accidentally drop a sofa out of a 3rd floor landing window.

He failed to see the funny side.

Tell us about your amazing adventures in the fun and exciting world of breaking stuff (Hymen jokes will lead to immediate anal rapeage)...
( SpankyHanky, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 17:15, Reply)

Taking the piss.
TWO YEARS AGO Mrs RoF reversed into a parked car, while the owner was in a shop buying a pint of milk. Yesterday we received notification from our insurance company that the other 'driver' has now gone to a solicitor and started a claim for injuries sustained during the accident.

When was the last time you took the piss on a grand scale?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 22 Sep 2009, 20:37, Reply)

Bad boy. 8 years on the naughty step.
The naughty step is all very well and good; but punishment for a disobedient child needn’t be dull for the parent too.

Stories of horrific child abuse aside. What have you dished out or received and what was the crime?
The lad is getting older and I'm looking for inspiration.
(waxdart hello., Mon 21 Sep 2009, 17:14, Reply)