unintentional comedy
The stupidest thing you've heard all week... such as:
I had a wrong-number phone call this week. The guy on the other end asked if he had gotten through to some security company, and I told him he had the wrong number. He then asked if I had the number for the security company.
"Yes sir, I keep a list of possible mis-diallings of my phone number so I can better direct wayward callers."

Cranberry.
(emgee, Fri 17 Dec 2004, 15:39, Reply)

How about
Have you ever seen a ghost or UFO? (or some other paranormal thing)
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 16 Dec 2004, 11:33, Reply)

Copycat
How about when you were younger, what was the wackiest joke you ever played on someone else post kindergarten but pre-University?
(declan_m, Thu 16 Dec 2004, 8:09, Reply)

Best school prank
Whats the craziest thing you ever did in your youth at school?
( Green Spanner and his magical lack of activity, Wed 15 Dec 2004, 16:39, Reply)

What's the worst thing you did as a child
When I was younger we used to get up to all sorts (as you do). I remember one time we took some bangers (fire crackers for our American cousins) buried it in some doggie dung lit it in front of somebody's front door in a close (a block of flats stairwell), chapped the door and ran like fcuk. Cue small explosion, sh1t everywhere and large athletic bloke sprinting after us on our bikes. I laughed so hard I couldn't really pedal. Got away by the skin of my teeth and lived to tell the tale.

What kind of mad bad nonsense did you get up to as a child?

Dec
(declan_m, Wed 15 Dec 2004, 13:43, Reply)

topic of the week
How about the cunning methods you have used to deter religious folk who have lobbed on your doorstep from converting you to their chosen way to the glory of God?

Mine is this:

Had a college mate living with me who was New Age, and being students, we were always up for a laugh. One Sunday, the Seventh Day Adventist lads in the neat white shirts and polished shoes lobbed at the gate. My flatmate told me to run downstairs, and grab one of my chickens (I kept quite a few poultry in the backyard for the eggs - students get sick of two-minute noodles and rice). I did so, grabbing my black cockerel, and my flatmate quickly changed into her long black Elvira dress and took the chook from me. She picked up one of our sharp kitchen knives, and when the lads had got to the front door and knocked, she opened the door, and shrieked at them "YOU'RE INTERRUPTING MY SATANIC RITUAL!". They nearly broke legs getting down the stairs and out the gate, with the added incentive of having a cranky rooster tossed in their general direction during departure. Chaos reigned, and no further God-botherers turned up at our place.
( Shazzoir Old enough to know better young enough not to care, Wed 15 Dec 2004, 11:46, Reply)

The most embarassing thing you've put on the internet drunk
I'm quite drunk right now, it's reminding me on the time i sent an ex girlfriend an e-mail telling her of all the fun i was having watching porn. What's the most embarassing thing you've put on the internet for the world to see when drunk, preferrably on the B3TA messageboard.......................I miss her.
(kitandholly is dangerous when bored, Wed 15 Dec 2004, 0:22, Reply)

Most embarrasing pet story?
For Example; me dog jumping up over a Jehova's witness, and my dad telling the witness that the dog's name was "Satan". Cue the Jehova shouting "Down Satan down!" much to the hilarity of me and me dad.

Come to think of it, that wasn't embarrasing at all :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 14 Dec 2004, 20:36, Reply)

Embarassing Injuries
Last Monday, I had a drunken one night stand. Seeing as she was "dehydrated" it turned into a bit of a fumble - especially when my johnson started to sting. I looked down and I was bleeding.

I had snapped my "banjo string". (look it up in Viz Profanisaurus).
I was scared shitless, convinced my nob would drop off, and (naively)asked a mate what to do.

Now everyone knows, and I had to recount the whole story to all my friends over a meal last night.

My question is this:
What's the most embarassing injury you ever had? Either because
(a) you don't want to admit how it happened, or
(b) what part of you was actually injured.
Or all of the above.
(Hammer Time, Tue 14 Dec 2004, 0:31, Reply)

What's the sickest thing you've ever done
to get yourself off?
(sammagoo, Mon 13 Dec 2004, 17:21, Reply)

Puberty, its god's sick sad joke on us.
Spots, unwanted hair, sweep impressions and ball dropage can chose stupid times to show up.

I watched a theater production of Calamity jane this year performed by a stage school with my step cousin in it. One of the boys who was a main charater sang great in the first couple of songs, then Ouch, his voice broke there and then. It was like listening to a cat in a blender.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Mon 13 Dec 2004, 13:38, Reply)

have you ever!!!
asked a question you really shouldn't have.

You know , you meet someone, perfectly normal, only one arm. You really want to ask, but no, that would be rude. Few beers later...


...Shit car crash when mum died.


let me get you a drink mate.


run
(nevermindtbc, Mon 13 Dec 2004, 3:08, Reply)

as its xmas next week
What is THE most annyin thing about it? And who is the most annoying festive neighbour you have?

There is a house near us, which along with the great wall of china, can be seen from space....
(acharps, Sun 12 Dec 2004, 19:22, Reply)

who is the black sheep in your family?
Every body has at least one black sheep in their family. You know the type, the 30 year old uncle who decided to marry an American and take up nudism. Or perhaps the aunt who ditched her husband to make off with a vacume cleaner salesman. Who is the black sheep in your family?
(rattus, Sun 12 Dec 2004, 11:36, Reply)

Xmas
What's the worst thing you've ever done at your work's xmas party?
(chazsnape, Sun 12 Dec 2004, 10:51, Reply)

Ohhh yesss - pure ignorance you've overheard from absolute morons
It get's you SO mad - and it's often so astonishingly ill-informed that you just couldn't make it up!!
Yes for Humpty-Dumptywaspushed's idea
(foolish_child, Fri 10 Dec 2004, 11:24, Reply)

Bullies
What mean things did kids do to you at school?
I was buillied at school but apart from blocking most of it out, a few might make you giggle (you sick bastards)
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 8 Dec 2004, 18:04, Reply)

Alphabetickle...
Whats your....

Favourite word? H'apparrently... (with extented pronounciation of the H.... this can be up to 5seconds in length) Quite like Macabre too (But said Mc-cab-reay)

Favourite miss-use of word (Mine's Livid, as in if you're Livid you v happy)

Word that should be invented that hasn't been yet. ie the uncomfortable feeling of sitting on a train seat thats just been vacated and still warm with t'other persons bummage radiation, or going into the kitchen and forgetting what you're looking for. Or...when you open the fridge and just stare into it not looking for anything...maybe just trying to find the meaning of life. Or something?

Or.... Worst haircut. Either done by a mate, or hairdressers... that'll surely bring up some tasty scars for all.

FIN
( -:Coop:-, Wed 8 Dec 2004, 17:15, Reply)

qotw
What have you found underneath your or someone else's bed
(funkie, Wed 8 Dec 2004, 13:53, Reply)

What Question
Well as i've just got up, the next question should be all about shitting stories. If this has been done before, my apologies, i'm poo to this.....er i meant new.
(crimpalength, Wed 8 Dec 2004, 10:49, Reply)

pure ignorance.
annoying, pure ignorance.... christ it pisses me off. I heard a guy on a plane tell his kid that the ground looked fuzzy "over there" becuase there was "muck on the window".

Nothing to do with looking though a stream of exhaust gasses from the engine, and the gasses being at 750°K was it you ignorant arse-nugget?
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 7 Dec 2004, 21:55, Reply)

the best childhood memory
childhood. you only get it once so what's the best memory you've got of it? From classroom capers to full blown chaos. Tell us what you did as a child.
(honourarybiscuit, Tue 7 Dec 2004, 21:48, Reply)

what's the funniest place you've ever shat yourself in?
at work?
on the bus?
at the queens house?
(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Mon 6 Dec 2004, 23:41, Reply)

jokes you didnt get, that suddenly clicked....
have you ever been told a joke, or seen one on TV that you just didn't get, then figured out what it meant and found it utterly disgusting/hilarious?
(acharps, Mon 6 Dec 2004, 18:18, Reply)

bizarre/rubbish claims to fame
Saddam Hussein took my Granny out to dinner once, and geryy Anderson is my cousin's godfather - It's really true!!

What bizarre/shit claims to fame do you have?
(teasus likes tea, Mon 6 Dec 2004, 12:40, Reply)

work time
being a slacker i often spend hours of my company time surfing the internet, buying cd's and trawling dating sites for potential "prey". Is this just me or is anyone else more creative in utilising the time they are supposed to be performing some mind numbing mac -job ?
(tufty the chav slayer, Sun 5 Dec 2004, 15:24, Reply)

sick humour
examples at laughing out at inappropriate times.

e.g. i was in a taxi on a hot date and suddenly i pointing out of the window and laughed "look at that chinese man dancing ahahahahhahahaha". she didn't laugh, and looked at me sternly saying "idiot he's handicapped"
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Sat 4 Dec 2004, 23:59, Reply)

my beer monkey did it!
its true, when you drink too much, you develop a form of schizophrenia known as your beer monkey. The beer monkey is known to wake up in strange places, get naked, fuck fat birds, cause fights and arguements, but mostly embarrass you. What beer monkey stories do b3tans have?
( northernwifeb3ta is going to Dubai in December :D for "work", Sat 4 Dec 2004, 23:50, Reply)