Rellies
Thanks, Smash Monkey, for reminding me. My step-father was 25 years older than my mum and had adult kids. He wasn't a great father - absent through work, not abusive - but was a great step-father. He got sick when I was in my mid teens and my mum nursed him for three years. Not one of his kids turned up to see him during that time.

At 1am when he died, my mum, brother and myself were in the room with him. Absolutely devastated, but my mum managed to call his kids not much later.

At 4pm that same day his eldest daughter came into our house and took everything that he had given us. She even stripped the sheets off the bed that he had died on and took them. She took gifts, she took my mum's perfume, she tried to even take our car. We were so stunned, we let her basically rob us as we were grieving. We didn't notice half the stuff until later, but that was too late.

The magic was gone, not then, but when the letter from a lawyer was sent to us demanding the ironing board back. Yes, the economics of that doesn't make sense, but I suppose she was so pissed at her father that she took it out on my mum. The sad thing was that he was really loaded, but never changed his will, so while my mum had to go into the dole office four days after he died, his kids got his two houses, superannuation and cash.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Thu 28 Oct 2010, 10:24, 7 replies)

Ok, it's Thursday & not many people will see this...
I've refrained from posting this week because there's been plenty of stories of the type I have about some of my exes... and with Jess the magic's never going to go, it'll always be in my mind.

I just have to get on my soapbox for a minute though: please, people - if you're with someone who's making you unhappy, do something about it! I could have still been with my wife if I'd tried to stick at it and make it work like everyone was telling me... never in my life has someone made me so miserable, so after trying some marriage guidance counselling (which Jess convinced me to try) and realising it was never going to work, I bit the bullet and left.

That doesn't make me a big man, or better than someone who would still be there, but it did mean that I ended up with someone who made me happier than I've ever been in my life... and then sadder than I've ever been, but that wasn't her fault.

If someone offered me the chance to go back & have forever after plodding along with my wife & being sort of okay sometimes, or repeat what I did, I'd take the repeat, even knowing the absolute heartbreak that it ended with.

And before anyone points it out, yes I know that for lots of people it's not as simple as I've made out... but "doing something about it" doesn't have to mean leaving, it could just be sitting down and having A TALK.

Lots of love to you all,
Prof KM xx
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 28 Oct 2010, 10:08, 6 replies)

It started out so well...
We hit it off right away, we went to Florida with her family after only being together for 3 months & had an amazing time, my family loved her, her family loved me, she suffered from depression when we met, two weeks later she was down to one anti-depressant a week & went back to work after 5 months (after a year off), then...

She cheated on me.
She swore she'd never see him again.
She saw him again.
She cheated on me some more.
We had a miscarriage.
She cheated on me with him again & then some other people.
We broke up.
We stayed friends.
She got with him properly.
She dumped him for me after a year.
She decided she didn't want to be with me & got back with him again.
She had his baby.

It seems alot of my relationships mentioned on here don't go too well, but there was this one girl, she was sweet, talented, cute, funny, 38GG (That is important!) inredible in bed & faithful! I honestly don't think anyone ever has, or will ever, love me nearly as much as she did... So I dumped her after 6 months because she wasn't the girl mentioned above. Maybe I'm the one with the problem
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Thu 28 Oct 2010, 4:32, 8 replies)

Where the
Fuck did I just post that?

An eternal question for the men. Answer - if you can't remember, deny all knowlege and in extreme circumstances demand a dna test. If that inks you in then ask why it took your dad 2 hours to take her home » when she was upset.

Otherwise
(Suck it and Sea, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 23:46, Reply)

Where the

(Suck it and Sea, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 23:41, 3 replies)

My Mom told me after my dad died years ago.....
"Sure, your dad and I fought a lot, but there's no one else I'd rather have fought with."

Remembering this has cured me of the "grass is greener" syndrome many a times.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 23:37, 4 replies)

The Usual Suspects
Spoiler alert.

At the end of the film, when the detective looks around his office and realises the whole story Keyser Soze has just told him is a complete fabrication, made up from various pieces of detritus in his office...

Well, it's only when I discovered my partner of 15 years shagging her gay male friend, that I realised that when she was describing his partner (who he was having relationship problems with, and that was why he was staying over) she was actually describing me. And after I moved out, did I realise that most of the stories she told me were just that. For 15 years. What got my goat was had she an almost pathalogical hatred of being lied to. Can only presume because she found it so effortless..

Lack of laughs in this one, I only take comfort that I saw her for the first time in a good couple of years yesterday, and for somebody who traded and worried about her looks, she looked rougher than a bulldog licking piss of a nettle. With a very wide arse.
(GhostAtTheFeast Soup Sir?, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 23:28, 8 replies)

DGM. Know what it stands for?
DON'T GET MARRIED.

Seriously, kids. How many young uns do you know who pop the question just so the girl can have a day dressed as a deflated meringue and spend 8 thousand quid on getting the pageboy's y-fronts to match the upholstery of the car?

How many of your friends and parents are divorced, or are married but unhappy, or having affairs?

It's what I say to all my 30-something mates now. DGM. The statistics say it will end in divorce. DBAS. And that stands for Don't Become Another Statistic. Arguing over who gets the George Foreman Grill.
(Radio Vicky Anyone cool Brits live in Ibiza?, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 22:09, 29 replies)

Krynice, jewel of the Polish mountains
a hillside town of chalets and stone houses perched among the pine-clad peaks of the Carpathians, buried under crisp virgin snow and lulled by the soft sparkling chirp of a stream cascading through the centre.

We booked into a brand new spa hotel at the top of the town for a long Valentine's weekend, looking forward to rosy-cheeked snowboard lessons, gourmet meals and gluhwein, all followed with pummelled pamperings at the hands of masseurs and masseuses, trained in the arts of hot stones, exotic oils, pressure points and all round body satisfaction techniques.

She took her university books and her oldest, most stained pyjamas, got into bed at 8pm each night and might as well have welded her knees together. I didn't get a whiff of fanny at any point over the four days.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 21:29, 2 replies)

I knew the magic was gone
Following an extremely energetic session in the bedroom where she sat on my face and squirmed loads. Looking in the mirror of the toilet (while I had a post sex piss) revealed a brown dot on the end of my nose.
(EvilMeister, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 19:26, 10 replies)

right...
I've never had a shit relationship *lie
I've never cheated *true
I've been cheated on *true
It was always her fault *lie
It was me who was always in the wrong *lie

Pretty much sums up most if the answers anyway. I haven't posted my pea cause it came top last time and has since been deleted.

Fuck the past, your future is what you make it, get on with it and don't waste time on people that don't appreciate yours.
(Kip, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 19:19, Reply)

When she screamed and bled unexpectedly while I sawed her in half, I knew the magic was gone.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 19:13, Reply)

Making a long story short
Met a girl at a party, called a week later, commencing a 3 month relationship. She was recently divorced. I hadn't gotten laid in a year. I told her my background, she told me hers omitting one key detail. All was well.

Whilst dating she would excuse herself to talk on the phone for a bit. I knew something was up, but I was getting sex. Terrible, lights out, missionary only, "Let me get undressed and then I'll call you in", Leaving immediately after sex. I verified she didn't have a dong, so I let it slide. In a conversation with my friend who threw the party I told her I was dating her friend from the party.

"Oh! That girl with the kid?"

"She doesn't have a kid."

"The girl with the dark curly hair? With the big boobs?"

"Yeah...."

"She totally has a kid!"

"Let me call you back."

So I called her and after a confrontation she admitted that she had a daughter. That wasn't the problem. But after being together every weekend for 3 months you think she would have said something. I told her it didn't matter and that night she came back over. After some terrible sex she turned to me and asked me if she could shock me.

I asked her if she was going to stick her finger in my bum. She said she was not. Instead she grabbed her purse and showed me a picture of a child.

"So that's your daughter?"

"Yes."

Then she turned to a picture of her daughter holding a baby.

"That's your son?"

"Yes."

"How old is he?"

"4 Months."

It wasn't the baby, it was the lies.
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 18:25, 17 replies)

Way too late
This'll not amount to much now but I hope worth telling anyway.

I'm a lucky exception. After a few early teenage fumblings I cracked off the old V plates with a little corker. It didn't last long and I didn't have much luck afterward with other girls either. When I was 18 and out on the town, there she was my little corker, looking like a sexy angel.

A rational skeptical atheist I would pay love at first sight is bollocks, (literally) had I not experienced it.

With neither of our homes being trouble-free we cared and supported and loved eachother while we did the real growing up you do through your twenties. 12 years later we've been married for the last 4 and now have two great kids aged 4 (no coincidence!) and 6 months. Times are tough as the recession and some misguided career choices fucked of over but we ALWAYS know there is at least one person there for us.

So i'm a jammy twat and smug about it. Actually i'm just really pleased that i've never ever had a real crappy relationship. I've only had one good one though but that's all it takes.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 18:07, 3 replies)

dear cousin
my relationship with you has bee fraught, to say the least. for over 30 years, i've put up with your tears, your paranoia, your ridiculously childish behavious and your complete self-centred obsession with turning every situation, conversation or comment into a slur against you. i've turned against other family members in your defence more times than i can count. i've suffered months of sleepless nights, worrying how to cope with your problems because you don't want to admit they exist. i've kept my feelings to myself whilst you've spent the last 10 years stalking your ex, trying to destroy his marriage, in an effort to "make his bitch of a wife realise what a cunt he is and how he's still not over me".
yeah, right, HE'S not over YOU.
after today, though, i refuse to put up with your headwrecking shit any more. you phoned me last night because my sister was talking to a mate of hers who you also kow. obviously, they MUST have been talking about you. you know i've been suffering from crippling stress headaches for a few months now, you also know i don't need your particular brand of crazy right now. i told you i had a headache and could't deal with your problems last night. you knew i was upset and you seemed fine with it.
i wasn't expecting the nasty message you sent earlier, telling me how selfish i am and how you're done with all of us(who the us are, i'm not sure).
the only magic in our relationship was your magical ability to constantly delude yourself, but i'm sick of it now.
you can handle your own mess from here on out.

sorry for lack of humour, but i'm REALLY not in the mood.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 17:52, 11 replies)

My ex was a real weirdo
She swore like a matelot, burped and farted loudly in public, was verbally agressive and physically violent, hated people, and had the tact and discretion of a brick wall across a motorway - she said whatever she thought, regardless of whether it would offend anyone in earshot.

God, I miss her...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 17:21, 1 reply)

Up's and down's
Let's see.....

After 18 months of happiness and bliss my (ex)gf:

1. photocopied my passport as she didn't believe I was who I said I was.
2. contacted a womans defence group...just in case
3. Reported me to the police for 'maybe hiding something'
4. Pushed me over in the street, breaking my glasses and giving me a 4" scar above my right eye.
5. Got incredibly pissed and lay down on Catford High Street screaming that I was trying to kidnap her
6. Told all her friends that I was leaving her for someone else.

All perfectly 'normal' for someone suffering from Bipolar.
(pastcaring trembling in a corner....., Wed 27 Oct 2010, 17:19, 6 replies)

Palestine and Israel FTW

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 16:48, 2 replies)

UK & USA
Nuff said.
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 16:39, Reply)

The first time...
...that I heard her having a dirty great crap after we moved in together. It was meant to be the happiest day of our lives.
(Angry Hoolio Acarrotisascloseasarabbitevergetstoadiamond, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 16:37, 6 replies)

In December 2008 Cath told me she had been having an affair with a childhood sweetheart but it was over now. I wasn't happy to say the least but the relationship stumbled on for a couple of weeks until...
I finally knew it was over when she phoned up screaming that this other blokes wife had found out and that it was me that told her and how dare I interfere in her life(!) etc... Obviously my feelings didn't matter.

So, I'm now down about 4 grand, wasted 4 years of my life, lost most of my friends (it ended up with her being my entire social circle so I didn't get out much). She had mental health issues that she was convinced was physical which led to her not leaving the house without a fucking gasmask. She also always used to look like she'd crawled out of a skip and sometimes didn't wash for weeks. I realised she had problems and tried to go with it and talk her out of some of her more insane ideas (partially drowning yourself with olive oil to clear out your lungs for a start), and smoking whilst insisting she had an allergy to cigarette smoke. Anyway I'd finally had enough with her and her unbelievable self obsession when she started screaming down the phone at me.
(hypostomus, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 15:38, 33 replies)

Take my wife....no please take her.
Now the Mrs has always been known in my circles and beyond as a bit of a money grabber. Now being a lawyer I knew it was in their nature when I married her, so should have known better really. The straw that broke the camels back is when i caught her on e-bay trying to sell my signature for £25, worst thing about this, is the fact that nobody wanted it and she ended up getting a tenner for it.

Yours truly

T.Blair




you couldn't make this shit up

www.metro.co.uk/news/845305-cherie-blair-sells-tonys-signature-on-ebay-for-10
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 15:28, 6 replies)

Well this is weird
I've been debating with a hardline feminist on a national newspaper's website on the issue of pornography - last night I was pulling no punches and ripping her argument to shreds. This morning I logged on to find that she's so impressed by my rhetoric that she says beneath her hardline feminist exterior she's a sexy and sensitive woman and she wants to meet me - she'll even shave and paint her toes and watch pornography with me.

If I wasn't already taken, this could have been the start of a really bad relationship.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 13:51, 22 replies)

Now at the moment my autosig on B3ta is "is waiting for the right QOTW to fit life..."
Well right now, maybe just maybe I've found it. Those of you who know me, know the full story.

For those of you who don't, and can be bothered, read this QOTW answer of mine from a few years back

So scroll forward to now. Over the last three and a bit years since that post, we got married (great stuff) found out straight away that she was expecting (great stuff) and have now got the most fantastic Son a man could wish for. The boy is my life. He is my double, he is so smart and funny and loving that there is a tear on my cheek as I sit here at work and write this. As someone who was not really a family man I am a complete convert.

Unfortunately about 5 weeks before he was born I found out my darling wife had over £22k of debt which I didn’t know about, using maiden name, old addresses, friends and family addresses etc. So yeah that was a bit of a kicker. I’d built myself back up from nothing to have myself kicked back down again. I stayed, for my Son. Was the right decision at the time.

That December she was shagging her ex boyfriend. She only stopped when I caught her. Again, like a mug, I stayed. He then got sent down because, as a Ket dealer, he’d killed someone with it. I stayed with real promises to try and make it work. I didn’t want my son to grow up without both parents there. Simpllistic I know.

So in april this year, on a rare occasion of nocturnal shenanigans, she became pregnant again. At which point she started with the debts again (last lot still fucking us over on a monthly basis) and got back in touch with aforementioned bloke.

So I’ve walked. I lived in a caravan for a month. I now have a house and (thanks to some TRUE friends) some stuff to put in the house. I now have a completely different outlook on life and am resigned to the fact that all I have now is my Boy and his little bro and sis. I’m sure there will be another Mrs Og (well, one in place already if it pans out) but Thanks to being fucked over properly twice now I’m starting again, again.

When I look back, I married her for the wrong reasons, and I have learnt from it. I stayed for what I thought were the right reasons, and although I wouldn't do it again I stand by my decisions there.

There are so many gory details which tell me that being without her is the right thing to do. Yes I have left my wife while she's pregnant, but to do that I hope those that know me know exactly how much at the end of my tether I was...
Sorry for lack of Lolz, but hey, that’s life.

Onwards and upwards!
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 13:40, 10 replies)

Nuclear Psycho
Something happened to me after i turned 31. I blame peer pressure and the media's brainwashing of women into thinking that if they aren't married or in a successful relationship by the time they are 30, there's something wrong with them. I went from being a reasonable, well balanced young woman to a gibbering wreck with a ball of tension in my abdomen that wouldn't go away.
Anyway - that's my excuse and i'm sticking to it.
After spending my 20s in 2 long term relationships with geeky, IT types who both looked like fat (in a good way) Dave Grohl, I decided I'd try something different and dated a short-arsed gym bunny who was an Officer in the Forces.
Now, to be fair to him, I was pretty impressed with his plush pad and quirky manners and confidence when we were out, so probably had blinkers on when it came to his 'quirks'.
Mainly being kicking the sh*t out of anyone who looked at me, talked to me or was me.
The 1st time he hit me, we were both drunk, so i talked myself into thinking it was a one off.
The 2nd time, he gave me a black eye and begged/threatened me not to go to the Police as he'd lose his career/pension etc - I think i was more scared than sympathetic.
I also found he'd been scouring t'internet dating sites, including Adultfriendfinder.

I can't even remember what I binned him over, I think it was just my 'fight or flight' kicking in a year too late.
In retrospect all the confidence and better manners that he had, he'd copied from his (nicer) friends, and actually he was as thick as mince, had no taste in music (Celine Dion anyone??) and would be hard pushed to hold a conversation with anyone with an IQ over 110.
Unfortunately he was/is? in charge of the nuclear bits of some subs in a naval base to the west of Glasgow. How effing scary is that?

On a positive note I now have a huge collection of self help books for sale on ebay..... going to cheap to burds over the age of 30!
(bettyginger and no-one else wanted to play in my cannibal cafe, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 13:34, 4 replies)

Not mine but..
a guy from work we shall call him Ethelbert always had doubts about the relationship he was in and always feared the worst. Alarm bells really began to sound when his partner, we shall call her Betsy moved in with him.

3 years later they split up and the conversation of what they're going to do about the house comes up.

Betsy: Well... You should probably sell the house and just give me half of the money.
Ethelbert: Why would I do that?
Betsy: Because I've been with you for over 4 years and living with you for 3 years so I'm entitled to half of everything.
Ethelbert: I'm sorry Betsy I have no recognition of having a relationship wiht you. According to the contract you signed you've just being renting a room off me all these years and I have the evidence to prove it....

It turned out that before Betsy moved in Ethelbert got her slightly drunk and made her sign a tenants agreement (that she didn't bother to read) declaring she was renting a room off him after telling her it was to let the council know there was two people living in the house now and they needed to know that or something along those lines. And when she gave him a cheque every month to cover her part of the rent he simply documented everything in a rent book he had tucked away.

He never saw her again after that conversation. He said it probably wouldn't of held up in court but it never came down to court so it was deemed a massive success in his eyes and I can only agree with him.

Hats off to Ethelbert because a full house is much better than half a house. Also better than a line and 4 corners....
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 13:21, 18 replies)

The bitch and Man utd 99
Back at uni, I met this girl in my second year, it was supposed to be a one night stand, but I had this conscience one thing led to another and 18 months later I proposed to her.

This wasn't any old run of the mill proposal, no it was her asking me whilst drunk, starting a argument in a restaurant because I was dodging her initial question, her finally crying and me (in order to get a shag that night) proposing.

Another 15 months on from the proposal, she had finished UNI, me, had stayed on for the masters, and we lived 200 miles apart. She wouldn't come and see me (she didn't like the drive) I couldn't see her (too costly). So I met another girl who was... STUNNING - best shag ever (excluding current Mrs Big Bear - she is just dirty) anyhow, this was all going in during the treble season of Man UTD and being a current season ticket holder (who actually comes from & lives in Manchester) I was in dream land - No moaning bitch of a fiancée, sleeping with a goddess and my team are winning everything.

Here comes the break up, I was intending on putting the poor girl out of her misery face to face, but on the night of the Champions league final she rings me up half way through (I am at the student digs getting pissed with 10 others) I said I can't come to the phone (one sad flat mate had actually answered). She then rang and rang the phone every minute eventually I answered (at half time).

"YES, WHAT IS IT?"
"Why didn't you want to talk to me"
"Cos its the final" I replied
"So football comes before me then?" she asked
"No, football doesn't come first when it involves you" I calmly replied.
"So why didn't come to the phone?"
"Cos, Ma UTD and the stunning blonde I'm fucking come before you! Now fuck off and never bother me again. Also I knew you fucked that Irish lad that was living with in the 3rd year, you slag"

I promptly unplugged the phone never to hear from her again.

Best night of my life though, my mates cheered when they heard me say that (they said they hated her but didn't want to say anything - some mates eh?) Man UTD winning (promptly went on the piss in town and ending up meeting up with the blonde.

Length 32 months and 29 days too long (if you count the first month as September)
(bigbear45 scousers are the barnacles of society, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 13:16, 10 replies)

Oh Vagabond ...
You're a really good friend ...
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 13:11, 3 replies)