:))
okay...well....there's this girl and since her name is missy, let's call her missy. now, she likes the same guy as me and 2 other girls...(bet he feels special) let's call him kyle, because that's his name. Well, whilst I was in arizona Missy took advantage of this. She wore a tshirt with 'blonde bombshell' printed on the back. Then, she stuffed her bra w/ tissue and hung all over him. there was even a piece of tissue sticking out of her tshirt collar! :) when my source, (we'll call her Emily, for that is her name)told me, I knew what to do. I saw her writing 'i *heart* kyle'
everywhere...

so, of course, i wrote him a letter ending it with '*eye* *heart* u. and she'll never know what it said

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
( Killerkitti Like my coffee black, just like my metal, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:55, Reply)

Ultmate revenge
After years of being tricked into drinking urine, having my personal possessions laced with excreta (human and animal), being cuckcolded, being subscribed to "Hot Man Meat Monthly" et al c/o my mother's address, having my job/car/significant other advertised for sale in the press and having every follicle shaved I decided to set a trap for my tormentors.

I organised the creation of a website called b3ta.com. Over the years I lulled my targets into a false sense of security with banal baubles. Finally, I sprung my trap: "a "question of the week" designed to get them to confess their crimes so the authorities, my lawyers and "Da Guatemalan" could exact my terrible retribution.

GOTCHA!

Muahahahhahahahahahha.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:55, Reply)

not me..
But one of my female Co-workers developed a crush on another co-worker. Obviously inside work relationships are doomed to disaster, but even more so when the guy in question has been leading about three other co-workers on for a good few weeks. obviously, the situation that had developed meant eventually something had to give. the lady in question, during an after work drink opted to make her move upon the male slut. they kissed, did the usual unceremonious groping, and eventually she shared a taxi back home with him. she did develop cold feet regarding sleeping with the young man, and made it quite apparent later that she didn't, so the chap in question opted to try and save face by coming out with the line 'I was only interested in the pussy' to interested parties, upon being asked if there was actually a relationship in the pipeline. Unfortunately, one of the people he did ask was rather partial to gossip. She told his failed shag exactly what was said, and she went to her local shop, bought a tin of catfood and stormed in, while he was working, slammed it down and shouted (extremely loudly) "Thats for your fucking pussy, you'll just have to go and get it somewhere else!" As an added bonus, we now keep the tin in pride of place in the office and we've changed all the tills so he now logs in as Felix, Garfield, or tiddles. The Funniest part though, and something completely out of our control was when his wage slips started coming through with the name Felix clarke, due to the automatic clocking in/out system sending that name through to wages.
( Muns, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:50, Reply)

The girls on the floor above us in halls
have a tendency to play annoying hard-house at obscenely early hours of the morning and be generally fucking annoying, with no consideration for others

Here are some of the tactics we've employed to get our revenge:

- On nights before important exams i've played Metallica and other heavy metal albums at full blast on my VERY LOUD stereo
(loud bass test CD's are also a gem)

- Broken into the fusebox on the ground floor and cut the feed to their floor

- The flatmates and I, in chorus, slamming our doors. We kept this up for 30mins one time

- The main door to their floor opens outward, so a few well placed door stops means they can't get out

it's all fair game!
( applehead herp derp, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:46, Reply)

this is bad.... sneeky poo....!!!
similiar to the other butter story,

got a pot of butter, melted the contents.
took a shit in the tub, a really nice sticky one, perfectly formed and poured the contents back.. once set, you wouldnt know, TRUST ME!

it was a good couple of weeks before he got to a strange brown smear near the bottom of the tub... mmm and people say marmite tastes like shit!

from then on we called this joke "sneeky poo" it was great fun.... i had it done to me but the smell gave it away.

hmmm, we were a bit sick really wasnt we?
(Chunk Mcfunk, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:45, Reply)

Another uni story
In our halls of residence we had this ridiculously anally retentive senior student we nicknamed Velcro because of his velcro shoes (crap nickname, but this isn't the best nicknames question). Anyway wheras all the other senior students were sensible (ie have parties if you want just don't wake me up, keep drinking after 11 as long as I can't see your pint if I don't look too hard) this guy followed the letter of the law exactly, snatching pints out of your hand at 11:01 and prowling other people's corridors to check for the vaguest hint of noise. You know the really geeky, annoying suck-up guys who cause trouble for the cool kids in crappy American college flicks? That was Velcro.

So, to cut a very long story long Velcro's next door neighbour was a skateboarder who was prone to using the corridors as a practice circuit. The result was 3 none-too-cheap skateboards being confiscated. Naturally he wasn't a member of the Velcro fanclub. So when Velcro left his key in the common room he immediately grabbed it, legged it out of halls to the nearest locksmith, got a copy cut and then handed it into lost property. He had this key for a couple of months until divine inspiration struck. All he had to do was wait until Velcro was out, grab a few people who also hated him (not too hard a task) and revenge was afoot...

One day Velcro comes back from a tiring day of royally pissing everyone off in the Student Union Council, opens his door to his room and finds... nothing. Not a stitch of furniture bar the sink and shelves on the wall. Naturally he freaks out and runs to the porter to get them to call the police. He then proceeds to interrorgate everyone on his corridor ("nope, didn't see a thing, honest") before nature called and so he headed to the large communal toilets. Where he found his room. Laid out exactly as it had been: desk next to bed, lamp on the bedside table (though not plugged in, obviously), posters of S-Club 7 on the wall, everything. For the next couple of months he was on the receiving end of numerous cracks about his new "en-suite" room.

Sorry about the length (not the first time I've said that)
(Captcheese, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:43, Reply)

...is oh so sweet.
Once lived with someone who didn't ever do the washing up, so I left it for about 3 months, then collected ever last bit and put it in her bed.

I hate this girl. I let her tyres down for 7 months solid. She stole my Playstation.
(DirtyChurch, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:41, Reply)

back in secondary school
a few years ago one particular lad decided it would be fun to publicly ridicule me over my somewhat prominent monobrow.
Now me being a fairly easy going chap and not really giving a fuck what people thought about the way i looked (it didn't stop me having fantastic mates and copping-off with some of the prettier girls in our year) i wasn't particularly fazed by him shouting out 'monobrow' in the playground and other infantile things like that.

But when he decided to add a monobrow to a huge advertising billboard in the main center of town i began plotting my revenge...

He was a thoroughly unlikeable twat, so me and my best mate Dan decided to teach him a little lesson...

One night after getting pissed on Strongbow over the park this lad was completely trashed and was unconcious. So we naturally offered to take him home...

So, with him barely coherent and being propped up by Dan i got out my dads philishave and bic razor and completely removed his eyebrows.
Then, got a huge phat indelible marker pen and drew a mock monobrow where his eyebrows once were, with no regard for shape - just a huge 1x6 inch black line above his eyes

Revenge is so sweet (especially when he picked a fight with me the next week in school and i broke his nose :)
( applehead herp derp, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:36, Reply)

One day at college...
..one of my friends were pissing me off in IT, so when he went downstairs for his break (we were on the top floor of the college and the cafeteria was on the bottom floor), I proceeded to use his computer to browse to a gay-porn website, took a screenshot of this, set it as his wallpaper, hid the original toolbar and unplug his mouse.

Not only was he messing about with the mouse, but when he plugged it back in the toolbar woulndt work (because the toolbar was in the screenshot). Luckily, my friend had bought his camera in and proceeded to capture this oh-so-joyous moment.


Here is the result (he's the guy with the dark hair)
( stereo_world has decided not to eat your photograph., Fri 14 May 2004, 12:31, Reply)

How cruel we were
At uni, resident cunt. - You know the deal, you've all lived with one of these, so I won't repeat :p

Anyway he was out for the day, a 1 in a million opportunity as normally the lazy fucker didn't get out of bed until teatime.

So we dismantled his bedroom. Bed, Desk, Shelving, Wardrobe.. It was all MFI matching stuff it all looked the same once it was piled up neatly in little stacks, we even found a polybag for the screws & mocked up some assembly instructions.
(Ariaxen, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:27, Reply)

Kittens for sale....
Still makes me smirk thinking about it....
Decided to place a ad on Loot on behalf of a work person I quite disliked..... So what better thing to do than to sell some phantom kittens for him.... Queue much hilarity when he gets bombared for 5days with enquires for said cats.
Got slightly more idiotic - Decided the next week he had a couple of goats for sale. Cue one of my friends prank calling his phone asking if she could buy the two goats, for sacrificing, claiming she was some pagan wench.....
( -:Coop:-, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:26, Reply)

Not me, but my mum
She was bullied quite a bit at secondary school by a gang of girls, I'm sure names have been mentioned but I don't remember them. They were nasty, these women. My mum used to have long, brown, perfectly straight hair that used to go down to her waist, I kid you not. One of "those women" (as my mum likes to refer to them) once put chewing gum in her hair. She had to cut it of course, I think it shrunk in length by about 18 inches because of that.

The comeback?

My mum isn't a violent person by nature, in fact this might be the only time she's been overtly very nasty towards anyone. It took a while for this to happen after the chewing gum/hair interaction incident, it was one of those spur of the moment things that had to happen when it did.

My mum was getting on the bus one day to go home from school. The day before, it had been snowing heavily, so there was quite a lot of fresh snow laying on the ground. and for this reason she had brought her boots to school in a bag, with the intention of changing into them on the bus so that she could make the walk from the bus stop to home without having to dry her socks when she got home. Bear in mind these were big boots, the sort that were in fashion in the 60's/70's with the fluff inside, and a really heavy rubber sole.

Anyway, as she was getting on the bus, one of "those girls" got in the queue behind her, and proceeded to pull my mum's hair, maybe to show off to her mates or something, I don't know. Well, something snapped inside of my mum, and she proceeded to swing her fist around.

With the bag in her hand.

With her boots in the bag.

Straight around the head, knocked the girl clean out. She then got on the bus to cheers from everyone else (they didn't like her either) and the driver shrugged, smiled and took her fare. I think the girls (who'd stopped to make sure their unconscious mate was okay) actually shook their fists at the bus in a "you pesky kids" type defiant gesture. Strangely enough, they never bothered her again.

Wierd, that.
(The Wigmeister, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:22, Reply)

This is part 2 of the "Shit stories"
RECAP: When my mate went up to buy some cookies, I drank all his milk and put liquid chocolate laxatives in place of the milk. Later, in Spanish class, the teacher shouted (in English) FUCK! GET SOME CLEAN CLOTHES ON!

PART 2: Thing is, this guy is my flatmate. And we like coffee a lot. I poured myself a cuppa coffee, and went into the kitchen pantry for some cream. My friend did a wank in my coffee and got some sexwee into it. So now I took a sip and he started bawling out in laughter. Fortunately, I didn't swallow it. I spat it out back on him, pulled down his pants, put the rest of the coffeespunk in his pants, pulled his pants up, and watched him scream in horror as his cock was being burned.

Twat.
(I am an Oddity, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:20, Reply)

My last boss was a complete git
Yellign at me for no reason as well as dragging me (physicly) and yeeling about absolute bollocks that wasnt true. So after one day of hell he gve me because someone told him the footbal results when he didnt want to know and had a go at me for it, I decided to quit. Now mw being e very nice girl usually doesnt want to get others into troble. But as he was such an ass I put ijn a formal complant (with help from my mum. Every thing in it was true but highlited issues with the *possible assalt* mentioned in a few times.

I got damages, all the pay i was conned out of and the companty went bankrupt a few months later (not my fault)
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:15, Reply)

I don't really do revenge
But a couple of friends did something to one of the guys on my floor when I was in halls, for some reason, as yet unidentified.

He had a tendency of leaving his door unlocked - not a wise thing to do, but security risks aside, these two guys decided to take advantage of the situation. Every object that could be moved was turned upside down - every single book on the shelf (but not the shelf itself, being screwed into the wall), the hi-fi, speakers - even the posters on the wall, down to the sheets on his bed, were turned upside down.

Of course, the guy in question never left his door unlocked again, and for months afterwards, he was still turning things the right way up.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:11, Reply)

I Shot Jill Dando. . .
. . for ignoring my letters
(le renard, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:05, Reply)

OTT
When I was about 13 (circa 1975) I was small for my age and fairly weedy, also Jewish. We had some 'lads' in our class who were Arsenal fans and used to practise hooligan antics in the classroom before the teacher arrived. One time they gathered at the front of the class and chanting "We're gonna take the north bank", they charged down the room pushing everyone out of their way. I was in the way and got a punch in the solar plexus which winded me and made my eyes water. I could have forgiven this, but it was accompanied by a cry of "Get the yids" as this was the nick-name for Spurs fans. I could have even forgiven this, but the 'lad' that punched me while born in the UK had German parents.

...That day, after everyone had left our form room, I got an indelible black marker and wrote "Hans is a Nazi" and put swastikas all over the inside of his desk.

The next morning I was stifling sniggers as he came in and opened his desk. The look on his face was more than I could have hoped for, in fact, he went and told our form teacher who tried to get the culprit to own up. Poor Hans was struggling to keep back the tears.

I never told anyone it was me.

Did I go too far?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:02, Reply)

Simple but effective
Utter bitch of a flatmate / landlady was on the slim-fast diet. I swapped her slim-fast for Build-Up.

She never twigged.
( Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!, Fri 14 May 2004, 11:50, Reply)

Shared flats, shared aerials
I had to move from my first flat, because humans are innately noisy and unpleasant.

For putting me through 3 years of late night fights, humping and thumping teckqn0, I made a visit to the roof area of the flats for some tweakage of the shared aerial.

Now, this aerial plugged into a booster which had 8 feeds from it, one for each flat. Without electricity there is no television picture, but someone would figure this out too quickly, so I added a cheap clockwork timer.

Television in my old close now magically fails every other hour. To avoid prying eyes I also changed the padlock to the attic.
(Rompy, Fri 14 May 2004, 11:50, Reply)

this ones my moms
ok i post this only because my mom asked me to.

my mother is of the hippie stoner nudest buddhist variety and likes to garden in all her nekkid glory.. my mom is about six foot three and 350 pounds....not an attractive site.. well the cunt who lived behind us had small children and was constantly calling the poilice on her saying she was "flashing them" my mom never got into any trouble with this but did decide to install a mini cam in the back yard when eggs started flying from the kids behind us (i cant really blame them as who wants to see nekkid fat women gardening) and one afternoon while she was out there noticed that there was some rustling in the busshes (we have a very tall and not easy to look through fence with hedges covering it so it not like she was in plain site) and decided to take a look...finding the back door neighbour's nekkid husband had fallen off his ladder and into our yard. well insted of calling the police she made a coppy of the tape (from the afore mentioned security cam) and sent it to all thier neighbours (including his elderly parents we lived down the street) (after having me pixilise the parts of her you could see) ...veryy funny as he was a twat and nobody liked him...she (the bitch not my mom) was for everafter greeted with "seen any good movies lately?"...........


hehehe evilness it runs in the fammily
(shylo_sequoia, Fri 14 May 2004, 11:47, Reply)

A mate's girlfriend was attacked by a bloke ...
but there wasn't enough evidence to get the police involved. So, we decided to take the law in to our own hands.

He had a nice new car and being a chemistry student at the time I picked up some bits and pieces from the lab. I placed some iron filings and granulated aluminium on the bonnet of his car. Put in a magnesium ribbon for a fuse and lit it.

The reaction of the two metals is used to fuse rail tracks together and any metal it comes into contact with adds to the reaction.

The outcome of the 'experiment' was a hole (about 6in in diameter) in his bonnet which went through his engine block, through the tarmac and about 8 inches into the earth below.

That was my small contribution to a campaign of revenge that lasted for years.
( Fetid Cheese, Fri 14 May 2004, 11:46, Reply)

Misguided revenge
I was on camp when I was about 15 and there was a guy who I didn't particularly like who kept pinching my arse over the course of the week. One day I said to him that if he did it one more time I would punch him.
We were on the minibus later that day and I was sitting in front of this guy and his friend, when we reached our destination I got up to get off the bus and felt the familiar pinching, so I turned around and punched him in the nose. I'm not usually so violent so it hit home with more force than I was expecting and this poor lad had to be taken to hospital with a broken nose gushing blood all over his face. Whilst he was gone several witnesses admitted that it was his 'friend' sitting next to him that had pinched my arse that time.
Oops, I was much nicer to him for the rest of the week. (But maybe this was his friends revenge for something pinchy guy had previously done to him!)
(Monkey Faced Muppet, Fri 14 May 2004, 11:40, Reply)

Ex-girlfriend is a cheeky bitch
I'd gone through a fairly messy break up with one of my ex-girlfriends after I found out she'd slept with someone after her office Christmas party. I called an end to it straight away but she was one of those "We can still be friends though, right?" types who don't even understand what they've done. Anyway, a couple of months later she phones me up in work asking, as a favour, could I advertise for a lodger for her on our work intranet as she was struggling with bills since I left. I couldn't believe the audacity of the women so posted a message that was probably a lot more honest than she bargained for. It ran thus (yes, I kept it!):

HOUSEHSARE OFFERED
On behalf of an ex-girlfriend who still believes she can get me to do stuff for her.....

Room to let in houseshare close to central Newport. Preferrably to easy-going, professional male 28-35. Must be cat lover, constantly say how nice the cats are, make no mention of the fact that they stink and willing to put stupid, stinking cats on a pedestal at every given opportunity. Even though they never go out, crap everywhere and are the most obtuse and backward examples of the feline species ever to purr. Not that they purr very often, they're usually too busy fighting. Must also not mind the constant stench of strained vegetables and tobacco as owner is a duplicitous, cheating, scheming, vegetarian smoker who believes 'monogomy' to be a type of hardwood.

A willingness to do lots of nice things without appreciation or acknowledgement would be beneficial as would the desire to pretend to like classical music, Shania Twain or Megadeth depending on what day of the week it is.

Help with household chores and maintenance would be expected though constant criticism in this regard should never dampen your enthusiasm for the task. Particularly when you've done something out of the goodness of your heart in an honest attempt to please.

Erratic mood swings and behaviour are available en-suite at no extra cost as is an unbelievably dodgy group of friends and an overbearing and dominating set of parents. Any good things that happened to you during the day should never be brought up in discussion as owner will take this as a sign to snap after the day she's had. Any bad thing that happened should be similarly hidden as this will again infuriate owner and result in the reading of the "You don't know what it's like..." verse.

Finally, ideal candidate should have close friends that they hold dear so that owner can attempt to come between them. Also it would be a bonus if prospective tenant was considerate and good-hearted with an endearing innocence and child-like wonder at the great things in this world so that owner's coldness and total lack of compassion has maximum impact.

On cessation of 6 month contract, no bond will be returned and owner will come clean about what really happened on that night at the Celtic Manor.... but will still contact you whenever a favour is needed.

Previous tenants have gone on to great things..... alcoholism, depression etc. etc.

£250 pcm to include household bills. Own share of telephone bill extra.

For further info. call 079** 98**30 and ask for Rhian.

(Disclaimer: I'm aware that the majority of women are wonderful beings sent to make this world a better place. I just picked a bad 'un).

The only difference between the version posted here and the original is that the original didn't have the phone number blanked out. Apparently she had several "strange" phonecalls but never did find a lodger.

Sorry for length...
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Fri 14 May 2004, 11:23, Reply)

McShit
A friend of mine, on leaving McDonald's after years of underpaid, unappreciated work there, including long hours, and always working weekends, which included getting to see the sickening manner in which the 'food' there was stored and then processed into Chav-Meals, did the following:

Being one of the few people knowledgable about t'internet, it being the north, and about 1997, found a fetching website of a lady and a gentleman indulging in adult fun of a scatological nature, which culminated in said lady eating the gentleman's brown trout right out of his chocolate factory. His parting shot was to place said picture on every computer, as screensaver, wallpaper, and in various business files, in about 3 branches across Manchester, replete with the title 'Welcome to McDonald's'.
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Fri 14 May 2004, 11:08, Reply)

Oooh I just remembered!
This wasnt really a revenge thing, because It was by accident honest!
There was a bad ass family that included at least 3 brothers I knew about at primary school. one was on my year, another about 3 years older (who beat up one of my sisters froends) and one about 5 years younger (who snaped a girls arm in 1st year).

Anyways one day for some reason everyone was doing the conga in the playground and just before the one in my year could grab my hair i accidently swung round with my fist that knocked him flying smashing his glases. There was me shitting myself with kids cheering for what I had done with the person i hated the most glaring at me. He gave me a dead leg which caaused him to get suspended and I went home with a clean slate!

Same school, different boy. This boy that always bullied me decided to pull my skirt up infront of everyone in the playground. SO in detail i told my mum who wrote a letter to the school and his mother (i gave it to him) and I told him he'd go to prison for sexual harrasment. that made him pee himself :)

Oh and when my mum was a teen she got surounded by 3 bitchy girls who bullied her all the time, decided they were going to beat her up so when her hair got pulled mum broke one of ther noses...ive liked that story for a long time.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 14 May 2004, 11:06, Reply)

last one i swear...
when i first moved out of my moms house i lived with a gay friend of mine...i have really thick curly hair and have to deep condition it with this shit that cost like 20 dollars.... his boy friend used to constantly use it after asking numerous time for him to stop i finally gave up and just got mean....have you ever heeard of nair? its this creamy shit that you put on you legs and it cuases all your hair to fall out...well it being the same consistancy of my hair cream put some in and empty hair cream bottle and sat back for the fun to begin...now this cream has to stay on your head for like five minutes...the same as the nair....needless to say he lost all his precious hair... and my roommate? he thought it was the funniest thing in the world... he cut my rent in half...he was so cool....


i really need to get a punching bag or something cuz i have way to much aggression.......pure evil


sorry so long last one i promise
(shylo_sequoia, Fri 14 May 2004, 11:03, Reply)

Not me but my stepdad.
When he was at uni, there was a guy in his halls of residence that was taking the piss out of everyone and pulling jokes on them. So the night before the exam he and some friends who were builders built a wall with concrete blocks and mortar ane everything infront of his door when he slept.

all I know is something similar happened in return to those involved.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 14 May 2004, 10:57, Reply)