Teach yourself to ejaculate prematurely
You'll then be able to knock one out to the free preview without having to buy the whole film from Sky.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:44, 1 reply)

Put some of your money in a savings account.
Repeat at regular intervals.

Warning: May not be suitable for Greeks or Italians.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:44, 4 replies)

steal shit roll from the pub
you will have more money for booze and a clean arse
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:41, Reply)

Check Engine Malfunction Indicator Lamp come on in your car?
Take it to a garage and they'll charge you £40-£80 to plug it into their diagnostic tester- or you can buy one yourself for £15-£20 (look for 'ELM327-based') which can turn any PC with a USB or an RS232 serial port (check which you have before ordering) into a 'scan tool'-although for convenience probably better off with a laptop instead of a full-sized desktop. This should tell you exactly what's wrong with your engine and quite often it's something simple like an oxygen sensor which can be swapped simply with a large adjustable spanner- so long as you use anti-seize paste on the thread of the new one.

And then you've got one, you can use it on any of your mate's / families' cars. Works best on cars from 2001 onwards but some earlier cars will work with ISO9001 or KWP2000 or VPW- look up and see if your car is supported, there's plenty of sites on the 'net.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:41, 5 replies)

Sell your car
You really don't fucking need it. Most of the world copes just fine without one and walks instead.

Sold your car? Still have money issues? Dump your girlfriend. Most of the world copes just fine without one and wanks instead.
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:38, 4 replies)

Homemade booze
You can make homemade booze by fermenting tins of fruit from Lidl. I know this because fellow b3tan Kaol turned up at our house with a Tupperware lunchbox full of what he optimistically referred to as "wine". Tasted fine mixed with lemonade. I revarnished the table the following week.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:33, 6 replies)

Free cigarettes
Bus stops are good for fag butts. People chuck them when the bus turns up, so you can often find one that's hardly been sucked on.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:29, 5 replies)

save money on clothes
BY LEARNING TO FUCKING SEW
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:27, 8 replies)

Soup.
Soup is cheap. You can throw pretty much anything into a pot with a stock cube, boil it for a bit, and you have soup. Start with an onion, then use up whatever manky vegetables are hiding in the bottom of your fridge. Don't have any manky vegetables? Buy whatever is in the 50p remnant bags down the greengrocer's. Chop 'em up and add the stock. Simmer til the veg is soft. Add something to bulk it up a bit: lentils, noodles, pearl barley, pasta, whatever. Eat. Serves several people for the grand total of well under a quid.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:27, 10 replies)

USE B3TA BOARD TO SPAM MY WEBSITE
Edit: crapped out at last minute from actually putting my real website.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:23, 2 replies)

Save time, and therefore money, by reposting old material.
Try here: www.b3ta.com/questions/getrichquick/
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:19, Reply)

Set up a website, fill it with crappy doodlings and insane ranting (you can crowdsource these), and give it a catchy name.
d3lta perhaps.
Then charge a fee for small icons, for people to display near their usernames. I'll bet you'll be rolling in dosh in no time.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:05, Reply)

Sell out to The Man
and take the government's advice. Take a glass of water between every alcoholic drink. Certain people will call you (if heterosexual and male) a poof to begin with, but by the time they're vomity and aggressive, you'll be confident and suave.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:59, 1 reply)

FIRST!

(PR1CKBOT IS ONLINE, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:43, 3 replies)

Save money on toilet paper by not wiping your arse

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:42, Reply)

Learn how to do stuff for yourself.
As Mr Loon says, learn how to fix your car. It's not hard. One of the most profitable jobs that garages do is replace the front brake pads and discs. You can do this yourself, in your driveway or even sitting at the kerb on a quiet street, with simple tools, in an afternoon. A very tea-breaky afternoon, at that. Well, unless you've got a newish Mercedes, when you need the diagnostic computer to release the brakes so you can work on them. But you bought an old car so you could fix it yourself, right? *And* running an old car is better for the environment.

Learn how to cook. Seriously. Stir-in sauces may be quick and easy but they are sugary salty crap. You can make far better stuff yourself. They're mosty just some sort of gloopy sauce base and flavourings anyway. How hard do you think it is to chop up an onion and some garlic, blast it in a pan, chuck some meat in and cook that, pour passata over it and stick it on some pasta?

Don't use a breadmaker. Learn how to make bread. Mix up most of a bag of bread flour, a sachet of quick-acting yeast (the really fine dusty stuff), a biggish pinch of salt, a wee drop of veg oil and enough water to make it doughy. Chuck the rest of the flour onto a clean worktop and then knead it until it's all smooth and stretchy - you'll see the change happen really quickly after a couple of minutes. Let it rise in the bowl somewhere warm with a clean dishcloth over it, then punch it in the middle and it'll sink. Split it into greased loaf tins and bung it in the oven for half an hour. You can do everything up to the oven bit last thing at night then switch the oven on in the morning, and it'll still work. You can add stuff like cheese or seeds or chopped onions and peppers to your dough, to make groovy speciality bread that costs a fortune in Waitrose.

You know the best bit about home-made bread? When you take it out of the oven, leave it for a minute or two to settle, then slice off the end, slather it in butter, and eat it with a nice hot cup of tea.

Like beer? Brew beer. Beer kits are cheap. Bottles are cheap, and reusable. Bottle capping tools are not especially cheap but last forever. It takes two weeks to be drinkable, and anything up to a couple of months to be *really* good.

Learn how to fix stuff. Fix your PC, fix your TV, fix your satellite dish. The great thing about that is people will actually pay you to do all this, in cash or possibly just pay you in beer. It's easy and you just need some fairly simple tools, a bit of ability - and you need to be able to sit down and read the instructions, or hit Google.

Grow your own veg! Even if you haven't got a garden, you can grow herbs in pots. Tomatoes grow well in south-facing windows, and taste much nicer than shop-bought ones. They don't need a lot of looking after, but remember to nip out the tiny little leaves that grow up otherwise you won't get much fruit.

Do you know what saves you the most money of all?

By the time you've done all this, you're too knackered to spend any.
(gordonjcp, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:40, 9 replies)

Stop buying that awful mass-produced food and grow your own!
Since most houses don't have enough land to keep animals on, and the UK mainland is on about the same latitude as Moscow, you'll have to eschew most foods more exotic than potatoes or turnips and end up with the diet of a mediaeval peasant.

On the plus side though, you can use your home-grown organic food as an excuse to smug it right up over the Joneses. Even when you eventually get scurvy and all your teeth drop out.

This scheme is obviously no good if you live in a flat or a terraced house and can't spare 10-20 years on the waiting list for an allotment. But then again if you live in a flat or terraced house you probably wouldn't appreciate home-grown organic food anyway, you pleb.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:36, 8 replies)

Save money on condoms by simply turning them inside out and reusing.
OR:
Save money on condoms by having a vasectomy
Save money on vasectomies by cutting your balls off with a stanley knife.
Save money on stanley knives by just sharpening a butter knife and calling it stanley.
(Mortal Wombat., Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:35, 4 replies)

Money saving tip number 786
Raid the lost and found in various locations. Libraries, schools, and public pools, are all great places where you can pick up great items at a steal.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:34, 1 reply)

Money saving tip number 512
Do not under any circumstances send money to help Mr Mbulu Smith get the £51000000000 that is locked in his dead great uncle's (King Mbongo the thirds) account.

He still hasn't written me back the bastard.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:33, 2 replies)

Don't...
Buy Andrex bog roll with shea butter, Waitrose own brand with cashmere does the job just fine.
(badgermonkey007, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:24, Reply)

Drive an old car.
I've never owned a new car, only used ones. The most I've ever spent for one was $5600 that I spent on an Amigo in 2000, which I still have and drive a fair bit.

Learn to fix your car, or at least to maintain it yourself. Learn to scavenge parts from the junkyard to keep it running.

And the best part is that you never have to worry about it being stolen. Who else would want that piece of shit?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:23, 6 replies)

the key is cheap carbs
My cousin told me stories from his uni days abroad of tomato soup made from boiled water and ketchup. I never had to do that, but when I was a poor student I often bought giant bags of pasta and rice, that I would boil and consume with a concoction of condiments like ketchup and hot sauce. Whilst not entirely balanced a meal, it certainly stops the hunger pangs.
(tyrellsOwl, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:22, Reply)

Thrifty Dating
I make sure I only date new girls around New Year, and only get involved with girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and I won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have dumped me.
(userdeath imminent, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:21, 2 replies)

add this to your .hosts file
127.0.0.1 www.amazon.co.uk
127.0.0.1 www.ebay.co.uk
127.0.0.1 www.spunkycamgirls.com
( rob, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:21, 2 replies)

Buy a breadmaker
You'll wonder why you ever bought expensive, shop-made bread before. And don't get me started on sandwiches.
Then again, I'm on my third breadmaker now, those machines are expensive.
Hmmm, I may have to think this one through.
(Mr McKenzie Mr McKenzie, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:21, 6 replies)

Supermarket roulette
1. Head to your local Tesco Express after 5pm on any given evening.
2. Make for the 'Reduced to Clear' shelf
3. Attempt to purchase a meal ONLY from what you can find.
4. ???
5. Profit!

Last night's triumph: Stir-fried turkey breasts with mushrooms, peppers and carrots. Total cost 61p

Previous night's failure: Hummus, broccoli and curly sandwich, forced to purchase food at FULL PRICE.

Your mileage may vary.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:15, 6 replies)

turd
(spinks its only kinky the first time, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:14, Reply)

* don't eat out - cook at home
* don't buy preprepared dinners - cook things from scratch
* don't go to the pub, buy booze and invite friends over
* don't buy any media - rob it off the internet
* don't pay for prostitutes - well pay them but attach a string to the coins so you can pull them back like Top Cat.
( rob, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:13, 4 replies)

1st !!!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 18:11, 5 replies)