Coming off the ferry at Dover
As you disembark from the ferry, there's multiple lanes which filter together as you go past customs. Lots of holiday makers all patiently filtering and making good, except for the Dutch/German (can't remember which now) BMW driver who thought filtering was for losers. He barged, he honked, he bullied. He ended up being the car in front of us going through customs- who had seen the wanker doing his thing- only to be waved down by an officer who, with a nice big grin to us, pulled the twat in for a search! There was much cheering and gesticulating from all the other drivers around as they passed, the sight of his angry red face only spurning them further into mirth. Oh happy days, regardless of the lack of banana skins.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:16, 5 replies)

Pissed bloke at a bus stop
My friend and I were walking home through town after seeing an average film, as we noticed we were approaching a clearly pissed bloke sat at a bus stop. Now as you may know, most of the new bus stop seats are really for leaning against rather than sitting on as they are slanted.

The bloke must have just lost all balance/consciousness/self respect and started to slide down the seat.

He slipped onto his side (still on the seat), then rolled off and hit the ground like a big fat sack of shit... landing mainly on his face first.

Now there's nothing funnier than a faceplant, especially one with such a loud CRACK, so I began to laugh - then came the blood. Lots and lots of blood.

You see, Pissed Bloke happened to be wearing a pair of glasses when he ate concrete, the glasses smashed and ended up lodged in his face. At this point my laughter turns to shitting myself, as I've never really been in this situation... not to mention the huge amount of blood pouring from this poor bugger's face.

So I ended up phoning an ambulance... to the wrong street.

When the ambulance finally arrived, some very thoughtful chavs made sure that the bloke didn't leave without the sausage rolls he had left in a bag on the bus stop seat.

Bless.
( Flowers the little boy that santa claus forgot, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:15, Reply)

Icy deathtraps for anyone?
Earlier this year, I lived in a shitty maisonette with 5 girls (one of whom was very lovely, and the rest were mental), in Chester. Pretty close by to the university as well, and for those of you in the know, I lived on Parkgate Road, near to the canal. The area itself was not quite a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but it was close to it. Now, this was back in January and February, back when we had that period of snow and general iciness.

Now, due to some sort of crazy quirk or possible general insanity at the planning department, the road was roughly level at times with the first floor (or second floor, depending on where you come from) of most of the houses on one side. Said road also curved around, thus creating some sort of impossible pavement that both inwardly curved and was outwardly bulging at times. This was not a problem 95% of the time as long as you were vaguely sober, and as this was a year after I quit drinking, I was fine. The other 5% happened earlier this year.

However, everyone else was not fine, and had a major problem. The snow and iciness I mentioned earlier caused this Salvador Dali-esque wet-dream of a pavement to turn into a death trap. And due to the council being slightly less efficient than a fart in a paper bag, they didn't grit it until after the ice melted about two weeks later.

Those two weeks were awesome. The dodgy pavement turned every trip down the shops into a massive adventure as everyone tried to avoid slipping over on the ice and either flying into the road or flying back down the icy hill. Meanwhile, I just got out my walking boots and quite happily stomped over the ice, attracting envious glances from anyone else nearby who were trying to avoid sliding to their early grave.

I never once went over on the ice. I felt like the king of the world, and did actually save someone's life as they skidded towards the road before I grabbed their back and hauled backwards. Good times were not had by all, only by me.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:10, 2 replies)

SPANG!
"So," she asked, "Tell me EVERYTHING about New Media."

"Well," I started, "Well..."

I was on the way to the station, jumping on a train to London with a colleague to find out how we can use social media at work. And, as we made our way there, she wanted me to fill in a few gaps in her knowledge.

Like any big-headed male, I was all too ready to oblige.

"Well..." I started, preparing to fill her in on the emergence of Twitter, the rise of Facebook and the growing diversity of Apps which allow just about anybody to do just about anything.

"Well..."

S P A N G !

Straight into a fucking lamp post.

I staggered around a bit, muttering the word "Well..." under my breath, trying - and failing - to regain what was left of my senses.

She laughed.

A group of girls from the Posh School laughed.

Some passers-by laughed.

They all laughed.

And continued to laugh.

All the way to London and all they way back again.

"Well..."
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:09, Reply)

Head over heels
I was out in Hoxton with some my missus and some friends about a year ago, and I surreptitiously espied a hottie about 10 feet infront of us, laughing and flirting with her male companions. As they approached to cross the street near that electric lights bar, (can't remember the name) she walked straight into a fuck-off size luminous traffic cone cunningly placed right in fucking road, and went right over the thing, landing on her arse on the other side of it. Half the street was pointing and laughing, it was bloody hilarious, she was bright red with embarrassment. I don't even feel bad, people falling over is funny.
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:08, 1 reply)

I saw the true face of humanity in the library:
As any self-loathing student does, I left everything to the last minute, and generally ended up doing all-nighters the day before I had to hand work in.

Thus one afternoon I was in the library looking desperately for a book, found it, and immediately started reading there and then in the avenue of books as I walked back to my desk.

There was a mobile step right at the end of the avenue, over which I completely stacked it, EXPLODING out from between the rows of books in a ball of hair, elbows and knees.

There were two attractive (obviously) girls walking towards me as I did so, and one put her hand to her mouth in sympathy crying "Oh!" in shock and the other pointed and exclaimed "HA!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:06, Reply)

I can't take pleasure in the physical suffering of others.
It is, however, fucking hilarious when people get riled up and angry because ZOMG! SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING MEAN TO ME ON THE INTERNET. Admit it: nothing is more amusing than watching an idiot flounder online.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:02, 17 replies)

An Irish setter....
I had an Irish setter once who loved to play the game of grab something and run away with it, usually something like one of my socks while I was getting dressed. One day in the sitting room, he grabbed something and went running to the patio doors. Now this time the patio doors were open yeah, hes' done it a few times with the doors closed, but not this time, this time the door was open, but he missed and face planted the wall. He actually hit it so hard he made a hole in the wall (plasterboard & plaster). Did we laugh? yeah, once we made sure the dog was OK!.
(Biscuit Boy - aka - mcvpjd3, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 13:00, Reply)

Following on from my last answer to QOTW
I've got loads. I'll post after work.
(hypnoticme is an anarcho-syndicalist commune, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:53, Reply)

Can only think of a minor one at the moment....
I'm driving with my nephew and there's a tit in a BMW right on my back bumper. I'm on a half-mile long suburban street, just about to turn onto a three-lane bypass - it's not like he's going to be delayed too long, but he's in my boot anyway.

When we get to the traffic lights prior to the aforementioned bypass, the lights are amber, so I slow down. Mr BMW decides he's had enough of me and overtakes, tyres screeching in petrol-head fury.

Only for a passing police car to pull him over.

We allowed ourselves a little laugh, but not too big so we didn't stack up bad karma. (Yes yes yes, I know that's not really how 'karma' works, but you know what I mean.)
(uncle whippity, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:51, 1 reply)

My Sister...
was about 6 years old, standing on the side of the bath trying to get at the medicines and stuff on top of the bathroom cabinet.

She slipped. A bottle of Dettol fell on the floor and smashed, Sis broke her fall by landing her right foot dead on top of a large shard of the bottom of the bottle which had landed, conveniently, sharp spiky side up.

The blood started to flow and I just couldn't help laughing... fits of nervous giggly laughter in between trying to shout for mum to get up to the bathroom immediately...

Clean cut fun.
(hengushrh is found at the Dole office every second thursday, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:48, 1 reply)

Should you choose...
... to do that shuffle-run thing with your hands firmly inside your pockets and accidently trip - grazing your teeth on the pavement - perhaps you might expect some kind of help rather than some cunt pointing at you laughing loudly whilst he walks past.

In fairness I think I was quite lucky, baring in mind there was a whole group of lads and just me and my mate... still hey ho.


Cheers,

Some Cunt
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:48, 1 reply)

Related and unrelated
To my other post, unrelated as in different event, related as in the girl in question (my ex) was the sister of the victim of that other post. You keepin up? Anyways...

On the Underground we were just about to miss the train, but managed to jump between the doors as they closed. Sadly, her large leather shoulder bag was not so lucky. We were left standing inside the train with her holding the straps while the bag stuck out the side.

Down the tunnel goes the train, BANG! BANG! BANG! goes the bag against the side of the tunnel causing embarrassment to her and consternation to the rest of the carriage, but eventually the train gets to the next station and, of course, the doors on the other side open. So she is still stuck there. Train pulls off and BANG! BANG! BANG! goes the bag.

Next station, STILL the wrong side, but this time a friendly commuter went and got the guard so he could open the doors on the other side of the train... BUT God hadn't finished with humiliating her, Underground Rule:1034 subsection b: You cannot open the offside door with anyone on the train. So, yup, the guard had to clear the entire train. Peak time, lots of very unhappy people, ever MORE embarrassed ex.

BUT, God had still not finished the humiliation, the doors opened, the bag was retried, would the doors shut again? No sirree bob. Train was taken out of service, platform filled to bursting, ex red as a tomato, me giggling like a loon

S
( simbosan Hello you cunt, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:44, 1 reply)

I try not to laugh at other people's misfortune.
I have only one word to say to you all.


KARMA!


It's a bitch when it comes back to bite you on the ass.
( girlinthehole, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:43, 2 replies)

If I'm going down, you're coming with me.
I laugh like a loon at the misfortunes of others, but I consider that it balances out as I generally laugh just as hard at my own.

(Now comes the skiing story, as correctly predicted by The Boy Monders in replies)



When I was learning to ski last year, I started out in the bottom group of three (no previous experience). After spending five hours more than I needed on the nursery slope, I asked to move up to the middle group, and was obliged. Turns out there was rather more of a gap there than I had expected.

As I picked myself up from my fourth crash in as many minutes, I looked down the slope to spot the rest of my group waiting impatiently for me to get of my arse. "Sod it" I thought. "I'll just go straight for them and swing gracefully blunder clumsily into place at the end of the line". I started down the hill straight toward one of the smaller kids in the group. It was going fine until I hit the bump. I didn't fall off straight away, but rather fell onto the backs of my skis while still picking up speed. Straight toward the kid five years younger and four stone lighter than me. He was standing with his skis splayed out so they formed a kind of V shape pointing down the hill, and looking over his shoulder. He must have had some sort of sixth sense, becuase he turned back just as I came too close for him to dodge, but with still enough time for his expression to change to shock and a cry of "NOOOOOOO" to escape his lips.

By some quirk of fate, my trajectory was aligned with him in such a way that I was able to tuck myself in and pass between his legs and on down the hill. I, however, was not having this. I didn't want to pile on down the hill for another hundred metres when there was such a convienient method of braking so handy.

I extended my arms and, as I sped between his knees, swept his legs out from under him in a tackle any American football player would be proud of.

When we finally came to a stop twenty metres on I was laughing too much to get up for a full minute. He did not share my mirth. Nor did the ski instructor. The rest of the group, however, agreed with me. My only regret is that it wasn't captured on film.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:42, 7 replies)

Reality TV
Need I say more?
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:39, Reply)

Run Forest Run !!
I love it when you see people running for the bus & the bus driver drives off at the last second

The look on their face is priceless !

(unless it happens to me, then they are a bastard ;-)
(AdmiralPellaeon, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:34, 2 replies)

Failed Indiana Jones-esque move
Bombs post below reminded me of the time I had just gotten onto the tube and the door closing sound started to go off.
On the platform I saw some guy running full pelt at the train desperate to get on before the doors closed. As the doors started closing he jumped on and turned sideways to slip through the ever narrowing gap in an Indiana Jones style move... however, unlike Indiana Jones he completely mistimed this move and the door closed on him when he was halfway through.
This guy was now trapped with one leg on and one leg off the tube. Instead of doing the sensible thing and pushing the door he just kind of panicked and started wiggling to get through. This caused him to lose his footing and he slid to the floor of the tube, still with one leg on each side of the door, and became firmly wedged against between the pneumatic door and the door frame by his balls.
I just stood there in shock for a couple of seconds as his face turned slowly redder before i realised what was going on and pushed the door open so he could make his escape.
He gingerly made his way to a seat much to the amusement of the rest of the carriage and proptly departed at the next stop out of sheer embarrasment.
To this day it is one of the funniest things I've ever seen but for some reason I was completely unable to laugh at the time, which I was highly disappointed about.

true story
(Korrupt is shagging your food and eating your women., Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:31, Reply)

After way too many bongs...
My mate decided to put the sliding patio doors about 3 feet apart, stuck the sofa across the bottom and claimed he could jump over the sofa, between the glass doors and land safely in the garden.

He cleared the sofa, neatly passing untouched between the glass doors but sadly failing to pass under the wall above the opening, striking it face on. The momentum of the jump ensured that he continued forward but now with imparted backward spin. His now unconscious body did a complete 360 and face planted on the lawn (lucky not concrete!)

At A&E none of us could explain to the nurse how it happened because of hysterical dope-fuelled giggles whenever we started to describe it. Indeed one of us actually split his jeans with laughter. The victim lay unconscious on the trolley, we lay on the ground howling.

S
( simbosan Hello you cunt, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:29, 4 replies)

timing,
We caught my particularly well dressed mate, by just as he was walking past a well known pizza restaurant on a packed saturday lunchtime - we called him when he was 1 step away from a lamp post.
Not original I know, but the timing worked perfectly - he looked back, walked in to the post with a loud clang and bounced off landing on the pavement out cold for about 30 seconds. Most of Pizza Express laughed, we are still laughing 5 years later
/relurks
(soldinio is counting the hours until, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:29, Reply)

It really makes me happy
When people try to be first on the QOTW but fail.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:26, Reply)

Many people in Scotland
show this trait whenever England are beaten at football.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:22, 7 replies)

No Animals Were Harmed in the Making of This Post
Two Christmas' ago, my dog (who I love dearly) gained a habit of grabbing anything. Things like brushes/socks & tubes were her favourite. The bitch often wanted to see what's the biggest object she could take in her mouth (no jokes please), so during christmas wrapping up of presents, she grabbed a roll of Christmas paper and proceeded to run off with it.

Or she should've, until she tried going through the door, which was just a little bit thinner than the roll of paper she had in her mouth.

I shouldn't have, but the yelp, dropping & tail between her legs was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

I'm going to hell.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:22, Reply)

i will never forget...
...that poor man running for the tube, JUST making it and squeezing himself into the already full train, only to have to doors slam shut on his head. i couldn't help but laugh out loud, but was the only person there who did, and got pretty dirty looks from everyone else.

killjoys.
(bomb, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:19, 2 replies)

Every New Year's Eve for about 5 years
My girlfriend and I were (a) too poor and (b) too misanthropic to go out to parties. So we just drove around watching groups of pissed people waiting to see them fall over / vomit / punch each others' lights out.

You may scoff, but it was good entertainment.
( pilchardboy, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:15, Reply)

More cyclists
A friends sister was cycling along and saw me walking up a footpath that joined the road, she waved, I waved back, she went out of view and then I heard a bang followed by a scream. I ran to the end of the path to find she had cycled in to the back of a parked car and smacked her face on the boot breaking her nose!

It obviously hurt like hell but I still had to suppress a smirk. (I did also take her home and deliver her to her parents care, so I'm not a totally heartless bitch)

An earlier memory.....
Was the bloke who rode into the back of my dads old brown escort estate after traffic came to a halt on the A45 near Stowmarket (that should date it for you). The guy was just cycling head down, oblivious to all around him, and bounced off the car and rolled into a ditch...hilarious

He was fine by the way but his bike was a bit bent!
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:08, Reply)

2nd
Anyway.

I pretty much always laugh at people tripping up or similar but only until I realise that they've actually hurt themselves, then the first aid button in my brain takes over.

Got my writing ability is shit! I should have let someone else come second for a change!
(Kip, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:08, Reply)

1st
Edit - I will type a story, just let me bask in my firstness for a bit

Edit 2 - I've had a think about it, and I have never taken pleasure in the suffering of others. If you're the sort of person who laughs when somebody falls over you are a horrible spitefull little boil on the face of humanity. Have fun watching people fail on the X-Factor and Dragons Den.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 17 Dec 2009, 12:07, 5 replies)