Food Poisoning and School Trips do not mix
Lovely holiday in Wales, lovely barbecue, lovely undercooked sausages.

Being the last night of the trip, everyone had piled into the same dorm to sleep, and I had the top bunk on a bed smack bang in the middle of the room.

About one or two o'clock in the morning, that horrible impending feeling of doom occurs, and I rush to the bathroom tripping over Tim in the process. After emptying my stomach of its contents, I retire to bed again.

Not half an hour later, it happens again. Tripping over Tim once more, I just make it to the stalls in time to relieve myself of an equal amount of gunk. Once more I calm myself, and return to bed.

But it was to strike once more yet. This time I kick Tim in the head in my haste to get out of the room, fail to make it to the huggable porcelain and instead opt to chunder all over the hallway and stairs. I didn't clean it up, as the fire alarm went off at that point, setting off the sprinklers. Everyone evacuated, past a vomit covered me in the hallway.

Needless to say, I never got the top bunk again, nor allowed on the back seat on the bus.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 13:03, Reply)

A break in Wales
First year of secondary school, we all got a week in an outdoor centre in Govilon in Wales.

The usual twaddle - more girls than boys, so the boys got the smaller girls' dormitory with a tampon disposal machine which was filled with toilet paper and set on fire.

At one point a load of us had to push a minibus that had stalled. Apparently I was the only one who tried, and it rolled forward, pinned my arm between the bus and a stone wall and broke it (my arm - the wall was fine).

Despite having a PE teacher and a biology teacher present, both watching whilst the head dinner lady ('Evil Edna' - lovely lady) cut up my beans on toast for me right in front of them on their table, they insisted it was a sprain and I didn't need an X-ray.

One girl who threw up got sent straight home. I got dragged around in an overcrowded mini-bus, down mines and off swimming with a broken arm. Even a former-miner turned tour guide took me aside and told me I should tell my Mum and Dad to get it X-rayed when I got home.

Once I did get home I had to have my arm broken and re-set (and I opted for local anaesthetic, rather than stay overnight in the hospital). My Dad and a nurse had to hold me down as it hurt like hell.

A few of my mates filled the PE teacher's waterproof sleeping back with ice and water, which was a nice touch. He had already made them sleep in the corridor. I had taken some stick for having a Sooty hand puppet in my sleeping bag, but hell they were good guys.

Someone recently suggested our old PE teacher could come on our annual boxing day canoeing expedition. Yeah, I'm all for that...
( joefish It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 13:01, Reply)

Too many to remember
Some kid shitting his pants on a trip to the zoo, and on the same trip part of the floor of the bus fell out.

Trip to Exmouth for a few days in the 2nd year, basically when we did something bad the teachers made us run round the field in our boxers, good job they were all female, I think they must of got aome plesure watching 13 year old boys running a round a feild half naked at night. 1 teacher busted a tent and caught all the occupants in full throw of a wanking compittion, we just heard ''what's going on in here... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!'' From our tent, I'm not sure who was more imbarrassed?

On a trip to Venice with college I was caught in bed by my teacher with 2 birds, being College she just smiled and left, and went on about it at every meal when we were out. I felt like a bit of a legend, but the two birds in question were quite embarrassed, due to everyone asking me if they had had a go on each other, which they had, to everyones delight. I don't think they spoke much after that.

On a trip to Barcalona with 6th form, my mate pulled some Italian bird, she said she had a friend who was quite nice so we went up to there room and had some fun, only to be busted by their teacher and ours. apprently they'd been looking for us for hours, this was when I pointed out ''Bollocks we've only been back for 45 minutes''

This was when one of our other teachers said that we might get death threats from Italian fathers wanting to know what we've been doing to their daughters, and we might also get expelled.We put our serious faces on tring not to smile.

When we got back to school, the head of 6th form couldn't stop smiling when he was bollocking us, and years later I saw the other teacher and he said that we were ''dirty barstards, nice one lads!''
(ruud316, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 13:00, Reply)

At grade five school camp, first day...
My friend (I only really had the one at school then) and I went alone to have showers just after arriving. I finished long before her, and went back to our cabin to put my stuff back. I came back to the shower block and called out "Sandy! Are you still in the shower?"... was met by a yell in the affirmative... So, not remembering which cubicle she was in, I peeked through the little gap between door and wall (we were very comfortable around each other and didn't really have anything to hide).

Unfortunately, had not realised shower block was now full of 11-and-12-year old girls, all watching me look through this crack to seemingly check out my seemingly naked friend.

Got called a lesbian for the rest of the year. Irony? Last i heard from those bitches, half of them were real lesbians. And apparently good at what they do. Huh.
(EasilyRecognisable I’m back baby, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 12:57, Reply)

Lost in Translation -
Back in the 70's, it was a rare thing to have an overseas school trip, but being in the school CCF, or cadet force, meant an annual week away at an Army/RAF base. Hence, a group of some forty 16-year-old lads spending a week at RAF Gutersloh in Germany. Part of the schedule was a day out in Munster (to see the cathedral, or some such nonsense), but we were also to have a few hours left to our own devices (presumably so that we could go visiting art galleries, or admire the architecture). So, the coach has been parked up, and we are instructed to memorise the location to ensure that we can rendezvous at the appointed time of 16:00, and sent on our merry way.
Inexplicably, several of my mates and I have the same brainwave - head for the nearest Bierkeller. Two hours later, and a few litres of Germany's finest safely consumed, we leave said premises, and make the two minute walk back to the coach. Now, 16:00 comes and goes, and the majority of the party have re-assembled in dribs and drabs, and in varying degrees of sobriety. Supervising teacher speaks to coach driver, and arranges to allow another half-hour to wait for stragglers. Fast forward - the time is now 17:30, and coach driver is getting steadily more hot under the collar, but we are still waiting for two no-shows. 18:00, the local Polizei are now involved, and a bulletin has been issued to all patrol cars to look out for the two British teenagers wandering aimlessly around the city. Eventually, at about 18:15, the two miscreants come into sight, looking exhausted.
After much bollocking on the lack of respect for their peers, irresponsibility, and so on, the two are told to explain themselves. Turns out that they had "made sure" they knew the location of the coach by writing down the name of the street where it was parked, and produced the piece of paper. They had apparently been trying to get directions from the locals on how to find "Einbahnstrasse". Brilliant move, lads, that's German for One-Way-Street.
(b3ta_demeter, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 12:56, Reply)

Llandudno
We were taken on a truly crap trip to Llandudno when we were 15 by two of our high school teachers - one ginger woman and one man with a mullet...who we later found out were 'doing it' - ewwww...I hope they never had children.
The ancient B&B we stayed in had sash windows. There was one little fat cnut named Ben that was annoying everyone so his 'friends' decided to smash one of the sash windows down on his fingers and then hit them with a baseball bat. Cue Ben spending the night in hospital and all of us being grounded because no one would own up to breaking Ben's fingers. Great stuff.
(NJ, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 12:56, Reply)

teachers go Golding
a girl in our holiday camp dorm, on a trip to swanage, liked to sing, and when the lights went out she'd blast out a tune or two. not a problem - she was pretty good and we'd all sing along.

a few nights in, whilst she's singing, one of the teachers throws open the door, and says for us all to be quiet. I say 'says', I mean 'slurs'. so we have a giggle, and when we think she's gone, we all start up again, unknown to us she's just hiding in the corner of the pitch black room. this time she makes the girl get out of bed, wearing just a slip, and brings her out to the corridor. one of the other girls runs to the door, and this is what she reports:

Outside our room is a campfire. In a CORRDOR. Around it are all the teachers, smoking fags and sharing a couple of bottles of vodka, confiscated from the boys. When they see the girl being led out towards them, they all cheer. The teacher who brought her out tells the other teachers she was singing. The art teacher, therefore, tells her to sing. The girl is faced with ten rowdy, drunk, teachers/arsonists, she's almost naked, there's a fire in front of her, and they're going to make her sing for them. So she does the sensible thing, and starts crying. This then results in the jeering pissheads trying to set her slip on fire with lighters, before she makes a run for it back to our dorm, where once she's in, we all pile against the door to keep the teachers out, who start trying to kick the door in. After about ten minutes they give up and go away. We spend the rest of the night with one of the bunkbeds propped up against the door.

The next morning, but for the burnt hole in the corridor carpet, all is normal. Neither us pupils or the teachers ever spoke of it again.

It was a 'progressive comprehensive' my school. For my money, it was mostly just odd.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 12:53, Reply)

We were about 10 years old
and staying at some computer camp, Kingswood I think it was called. We had to do a couple of hours a day learning how to use various computer programmes with the rest of the time for fun stuff like go-karts, rock climbing and the like.

All well and good and everyone would surely have had a great time if it weren't for the undercooked chicken. About half the group went down with food poisoning, much vomiting ensued.

I think the highlight of the week was rushing off to be sick in the middle of the night and slipping over on the vomit of another boy who didn't quite make it to the toilet. Happy times.

Length? Well, I was only 10.
(The Sun King, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 12:52, Reply)

Nuclear visit
Went to Bradwell on sea, to see the power station. 4 of us plus teacher in his mini metro.

Was in awe at the safety features like the boron rods that drop in .0000 of a second to absorb the radioactivity that may explode in case of meltdown.

We even had a "Nuclear safety Video" reminiscent of Troy Mclures one at Mr Burns power plant in the simpsons.

Very reassuring.

Then we were taken outside and shown various bits - the one that took the cake was this massive hangar outside. A massive blue metal strip ran around the wall with a red one about 20 ft away from it. Curious, we asked where they went and what they were. "look through here....." and lo, there it was.

About 200 10ftx10ftx20ft "car" batteries, red being connected to the anodes and blue to the cathodes. This hangar was the failsafe power that shut down the power station in times of crisis.

f*ck. I did ask where the alternator was and did the AA do a homestart on "Plutonium" service just in case it didn't go first time was met with very dissaproving looks.

Say no to nuclear, as it clearly is not safe.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 7 Dec 2006, 12:40, Reply)

In the Lower 6th
I went on a trip to London, ostensibly for a revision seminar.

What this translated to in practise was a four-hour coach journey both ways, and sitting for six hours in a lecture theatre with seats designed for people 5'6" or shorter (I'm 6'4") getting bored to tears getting told stuff we knew already by some droning old duffer and a very dynamic, enthusiastic fellow from Bolton who told us to "luke in the buke!" a lot. So it was no surprise that a handful of us buggered off down the pub for lunch - so much so in fact that half of us were still there at 3 o'clock.

As it was my first experience of serious drinking (and by no means my last), I had yet to learn some basic common sense about drinking out - the number one lesson I took back from that day was that you should not alternate pints of bitter with shots of neat whisky, or else you'll fall asleep in the lecture theatre, laugh uncontrollably, throw up on the coach some time later when it's starting to get bumpy, and get threatened with expulsion, being reported to the police etc. None of this happened in the end, not least because if I had been expelled, arrested etc. the average marks for that year's A-level papers would have slipped and their percentage of prospective university-goers would have suffered. In the end, I was just banned from school trips for the rest of the year (hardly a stinging punishment, as that was the only one in all two years of my A-levels.)

And funnily enough, they don't run that trip anymore.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 12:36, Reply)

Dam!
On a trip to Ladybower dam in Derbyshire, we stood in a group around a man who was explaining how it worked. Dials and wheels were everywhere.

As he spoke, my nine year old brain thought it would be interesting to reach out and see how easy it was to turn one of the huge hand-wheels. They were well oiled and easy to turn, especially the one which opened up the dam gates for an entire lake to flow away...

... which was when I became aware of the silence around me. The man had stopped talking and was looking at me with dumb incredulity. "WHAT ARE DOING?" he asked.

"I just wanted to see--"

"Do you want to open the flood gates?"

The walls closed in and my teacher hustled me out of the room to tell me that she'd never been so ashamed. Bitch. She made us read the Bible in class because she was a Christian. She also made us confess all of our crimes and discovered, among other things, a shop-lifting ring and that Jackie had an incontinence problem (which she NEVER lived down after that).
(frankspencer, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 12:21, Reply)

Bit Of A Pearoast
.

We were on a school trip somewhere in the Dales and the PE guy was with us along with Morticia, an RE teacher. First night there, teachers all headed for the pub and we headed for a different pub that was happy to serve us. Come 11pm and we headed back to the hostel where, on entering, we could hear whimpers and a series of heavy thuds. When we got upstairs we found a drunken PE teacher trying to smash down the door to Morticia's room bellowing

"Come on you cock-teasing tart! I Only want a little bit....."

We mobbed him and dragged him off to a broom cupboard where we locked him in for the night to sober up.

Teachers - you can't take them anywhere

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 12:08, Reply)

Cirencester Roman Ruins..
I set off a security alert after climbing into an exhibit to retrieve my pencil that I had just dropped, not knowing that they had infra-red beams to stop thieves!!

We also made a passing lorry driver so angry with making wanker signs and pulling moonies at him that he overtook the coach and pulled in sharply to make our coach swerve! My bum nearly caused a motorway pile up!!
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:53, Reply)

In primary school
we went to this place Glaisnock, a kind of adventure holiday place for kids.
For some reason the boys bathroom had a tampon machine, so being children we had a wet tampon fight,
my the fun we had, wet tampons stick to everything.
( SolidGoldChimp, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:52, Reply)

History wins!
Year 10 history trip to the Imperial war museum, London. We were travelling from Gloucester, it shouldn't have been too bad. However, the M4 decided to be somewhat of a busy cunt, and after hours in traffic we turned around. Being pissed off with a rabble of pubescent boys, the teachers decided to stop at a service station for a break. So we're all queuing up for our yummy Burger Kings in excitement, when the fucking place sets on fire. Talk about flame grilled. We promptly left with a lack of both new fun new History Knowledge, as well as yummy burgers :(
( Addyjoe, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:51, Reply)

Leningrad
School trip to Leningrad in March 1985, back when it was still proper scary Russia. We'd all stocked up on thick sweaters and enormous coats, only for an incredible heatwave to hit the country - we checked the international weather in a paper in Heathrow and discovered that it was six or seven degrees hotter in Moscow than in London.

So we're in Leningrad and it's not exactly sweltering, but it's not cold. And 'cos of the heat, the ice further up the Neva has started to thaw, so there are chunks of ice the size of busses floating down the river, and inevitably a lot of them end up sitting against the riverbank, temptingly well within jumping range.

One of the third formers decided that it would be both funny and good to jump onto one of these mini-icebergs. Turns out it wasn't. The force of his landing dislodged it from the bank and sent him drifting off towards Finland. Only some remarkable quick thinking and some truly incredible leaping (onto the ice floe) and throwing (the terrified teenager) by one of the teachers saved the holiday.
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:50, Reply)

not really a school trip but..
when i was at school, i was never really a sports fan, but i decided to go see the school team playing some other random school one evening.
the way they did it, is the coach of the home team refereed the game (bit unfair i know) so anyway.. i rode up tut fields on my bike, watched a bit of the game, and somewhere down the line, got a bit rowdys and strated shouting "the referee's a wanker" (the referee peing my p.e teacher)
the next day i got called into the head's office and suspended for 2 weeks! and had to do 2000 lines! proper shoddy.
thing is, the guy was a proper wanker.
(binarymilk Rossz csillag alatt született, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:49, Reply)

Mundsley!
It must have been 1990 when, as a kind of "you're about to leave Primary School" jolly, we got taken to Mundsley (sp?) in Norfolk for a week.

So, forty ten and eleven year olds head off on the bus (I shit you not, the teachers were singing a rewritten version of "When I'm 64" (which was shit enough anyway) based around the trip to keep us "entertained").

Highlights of the week included:

- Scott shitting himself on the beach. It was orange. The poo that is, not the beach.
- James pissing his Bunk-Bed.
- Carl vomiting on the coach.
- Some kid lobbing a rock at a seal on a trip we went on.
- X Teacher (I don't think I should put his name) making sure that all the boys were in bed at lights out. Strange that he never checked if the girls were asleep too... (Not long later, Mr X was in prison.)

Even at that young age, I began to realise that Children are evil.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:44, Reply)

bidet
On our school trip to France, Wayne pooed in the bidet and Mr Strudwick found it and had a flip out. He shouted "who is responsible for this", actually holding it in a tissue. Very unsavoury.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:34, Reply)

We went for a trip to the Moors in Yorkshire
and had the pleasure of stopping off in a town on the way back. My friends and I (aged 14) decided to (sigh) impress the girls and demonstrate how (sigh) cool we were by going to The Pub (fanfare).

After being turfed out of the first few pubs we tried we eventually got served in a real dive, and two pints later were roaring drunk.

With this newfound crazyness we thought we should show off our manly prowess by doing really stupid things. Like buy a lot of water bombs and chase each other round town lobbing them at one another.

This came abruptly to an end when our teacher rounded the corner to receive a DP special, right on the chest. As the damage was now done, another couple of balloons were hurled at him, and we ran, wobbling, around the corner.

Sadly for us drunken schoolboys were not too common in the town centre and we were rapidly apprehended and in due course banned from school trips, sentenced to several nights detention, threatened with suspension, and had letters home.

Plus on the bus home our first hangovers kicked in.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:30, Reply)

a lethal combination
of the School Trip and a Music Tour.

For those of you who don't know, classical musicians might appear like well-mannered geeks on the stage, but give them a sniff of liquor and they become the most badly-behaved, arrogant and generally annoying twunts around. Ditto private-school kids (except most of them don't appear well-mannered even when sober).

So, as you would deduce, sending a load of private-school kids on a music tour round France and Spain leads to mayhem. Specially when the Head of Music is shagging one of the 6th-formers (female), another music teacher is trying to get *friendly* with some of the slightly younger kids (male), and everyone else is paralytic.

The night that stands out was when we were leaning over our room balcony (sleeps 4, had about 25 people in there that night) have a crafty faaag, and saw the afore-mentioned Head of Music sneaking back to the hotel with the afore-mentioned 6th-former (obviously been on some sort of midnight tryst in the back alleys of Barcelona, classy). They were keeping to the shadows, trying not to be seen. They failed. We lobbed half an overripe watermelon at them, which hit the wall over their heads. He screamed like a little girl, dropped the floor and yelled "it's a bomb! run!". Then he saw us. Not only did he bollock us severely, but said the following night, we could only stay in the bar for two hours, instead of all night. Bastard.

Didn't stop shagging the 6th-former though. And he knew that we knew. Even gave us a crafty wink when we saw them going into his room to "work on her soprano solo".
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:23, Reply)

Outward bounds in Bude
Went sailing 2-man boats on a huge lake.

It looked grand - like the sailing scenes out of Jaws 2. Except I got stuck with Trudi the Goth who was terrified of water and just clung to the mast screaming "Get me the FUCK back in!"

It really needed to have 2 people to sail the damn boat and as she refused to do anything we had to be towed back to shore by the speedboat.

The shame!
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:23, Reply)

Crap stately home day trip
* The class bully kept chewing his Biro pen and ended up with a mouth full of blue ink (much enjoyment for I).

* The classroom assistant (lesbo) knocked over a very expensive antique vase with her huge lady bag, which smashed on the floor (approx value £250,000!!!)

* 3 kids got arrested for shop lifting

* The back door of the minibus came open on the motorway, dropping half the packed lunches onto the road. (but luckily no kids!)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:16, Reply)

Boom!
When returning from France when 11, having bought all the dodgy stuff the continent would allow, one chap decided it might be fun to throw lit bangers of the side of the ferry. Due to the high channel winds however, the bangers were blown into an open door on the ferry, which caused much hilarity, and a bollocking from the ferry captain.

Also, after sampling the local vodka on a Russian language exchange, I vomited off the balcony of a 13th floor flat in Moscow. I remember a significant pause between the hwuaghll and the splatter. Couldn't see any sign of it on the floor in the morning though. I suppose it might have been blown onto some poor buggers balcony.
( littlefish I like cheese, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:16, Reply)

I felt my first breasts
on a school trip. Her name was Caroline. I was a very happy boy.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:15, Reply)

There's nothing to say here.
move along please.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:14, Reply)

I went to the Isle of Wight on a Geography field trip.
I was harrassed, insulted, injured and socially left out in the cold to an even greater extent than I normally was.

I was even accused of having crabs because I didn't wash. Actually, if you prissy little cunts bothered to ask, I had no towel as I foolishly assumed they would be kind enough to provide one, no-one said bring one, and I would have had no way to dry off after a shower.

I left that school pretty quickly.

Sorry for lack of the funny, but it just makes me so angry how people can be so cruel over such little things.
( Bats, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:14, Reply)

School Trips
Our school trip was to whitby every year which was strange until we realised that our headmaster was from whitby and was just using the trips as an excuse to visit his family for a week every year
(CheekyMonkey, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:11, Reply)

A friend of mine
I didn't know him well then, but quite often we chat about funny times and this comes up.

He'd recently joined our highschool in year 8 (we left school is 2003) and each side of the year (each year was split into forms i.e B1 and B2, 1's were all together and so were the 2's) were going on a day trip to France.

Unfortunately he made them miss the return ferry home because he was playing in the arcades. After being told they were leaving soon he proceded to change up his foreign money and continue to play for an hour. I don't think they got home until 3am. Class.

Good times, good times.
(Shifty Bloke, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:11, Reply)

one bloke died on a school trip to Canberra.
Was due to an allergic reaction to some food, not due to Canberra being such a boring shithole.

first schmirst and all that.
(Handel blah blah blah, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:06, Reply)