Making things up
Whenever my 'bird' is being a bit of a flid like not being able to find her way around areas shes lived in for 10 years, dropping things and bumping into stuff (it happens rather too often to be honest) I start telling her about some research that I 'saw on the internet' -that Im pretty sure I diddidntdiddidntdid make up- that says that women are the natural 'gatherers' from the 'Hunter/Gatherer' stage of human existence and therefore due to never having to travel that far away and hunt have virtually no spacial awareness-resulting in them being clumsy and prone to getting lost easily...all the while reassuring her by stoking her hair and telling her its not her fault its 'just how the female brain is wired'.

So there you have it..sexist,patronising AND a fucking liar all in one go...
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 11:17, Reply)

Sexist old bosses.
I met the wife through work and our mutual boss who was 72 at the time told her that he wasn't going to give her a pay rise as she'd only go and get herself pregnant and leave like most women do.

She did indeed leave for a much better job shortly after and her incompetent replacement (male) got about £2k more than she did.

10 years on and we're still happily childless. That showed him. The git.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 11:07, Reply)

Jo Brand on Housework
Her gist of it is - "Ask a man to hoover, and you'll come back to find the contents of the front room spread out into the garden and him hoovering an empty room.
Women are more from the "Fuck it, that'll do" school of vacuuming."

Oddly I find it the absolutely opposite - my fiance's idea of cleaning is the do the bits one can get to, whereas I move all the furniture every time. However we are united in hatred of hoovering and both own robotic vacuum cleaners. ;)
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 10:47, 8 replies)

Teatowels
Why do women have a problem with teatowels?!

When i was living at home my mam used to go radio rental when i took her teatowels! I used to stick them under plates when eating to; a. not slop on myself; b. not burn my fingers when dealing with hot plates.

makes sense, yes? whats that you say mam, it doesnt?! despite her having 10 billion teatowels (or approx 20), me having perhaps 2 in my room was obviously me trying to wind her up.....

So i moves in with the missus (now fiance), everyone jokes about "oh we should get you loads of teatowels ey monkey"....yeah yeah, i bide my time till theyre gone and i can eat in peace without shriekings of wheres my blue checky teatowel, only to find the missus has now become also angry at my teatowel usage.

I get wrong for not hanging them up on the little hook that is miles away from the business end of the kitchen, i get wrong for wiping my mouth on it if i give my face a quick splash of water, i get questioned why so many are placed around the kitchen..... whats it all about i ask ya???
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 10:26, 17 replies)

Men have evolved to lead...
...short, brutish lives, filled with the thrill of the chase, hunting and adrenaline. Women, on the other hand, have evolved to live long, boring lives.
If women ruled the world from day 1, then we would still be living in caves. Nicely decorated caves, with lots of scatter cushions*, but still caves.

*So called, 'cos that's what men do to them...scatter them on the ground so they can sit down. If you want an example of the differences in the sexes, then look no further than bloody cushions. Only a women would buy a piece of furniture that has to have a million bloody cushions to make it comfortable.


(WooHoo...first B3ta post, and one that's probably gonna get me killed :)
(Gadfium, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 10:22, 2 replies)

Men, eh? aren't they shit and lazy? I hope they die.
lol
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Tue 29 Dec 2009, 10:20, Reply)

Women are all whores who need to die under my knife.
lol
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Tue 29 Dec 2009, 10:19, 2 replies)

I've had a cold for about the last week and a half.
I've not really mentioned it just been a bit sniffy.

When mr bin had a cold a couple of weeks ago you would have thought he was about to die.

What really annoys me about this is that if man flu ever comes up in conversation or in the advertising of a product on the tv he gets all insensed.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 29 Dec 2009, 9:37, 4 replies)

Why do women get married in white?
Coz it's the colour of most kitchen appliances....

because they are pure?

yeh right!! lol
(Dazzer, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 9:34, 2 replies)

One final thing from me before I disappear for the hols
On the matter of 'women aren't funny', I give you:

BGB
Chickenlady
Crackhouseceilidhband
Rachelswipe
Grandmasterfluffles
Ancrenne

all of whose stories have made me laugh til my kidneys hurt in the past, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that SpankyHanky is actually female. The dirty little bitch.
(jennymnemonic, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 9:18, 3 replies)

Jumping the shark
Time to say goodnight B3ta
(Reservoir Ducks, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 7:54, Reply)

Ahem...
Ladies and Gentlemen - the man song!

(He's the man, He's the man)
(Crew Laughs)

I don't take no crap from anyone else - but you,
I wear the pants around here - when im finished with your laundry,
Cause I'm a guy you don't wanna fight,
When I say jump you say, "Yeah Right!"
Im the man of this house - until you get home...

(He's the man, He's the man)

What I say goes around here - right out the window,
And I don't want to hear alot of whining - so I'll shut up,
The sooner you learn whos boss around here
The sooner you can give me my orders dear,
Cause I'm head honcho around here but its all in my heeeeaaaadddd!!

(He's the man, He's the man)

And I can have sex - any time that you want,
Cause I'm a man who has needs - but they're not that important,
And don't expect any flowers from me - 'cause if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewellery,
I'm the king of my castle - when you're not around,

(He's the man, He's the man)

And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I want - to get in trouble,
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready - to sleep on the couch,
Cause a MAN's gotta do what a MAN's gotta do,
and I'm gonna do what you tell me to,
Because I'm top dog around here but I've been neutered!!

(He's the man, He's the man)

It's all in the username...
(Ted Cunterblast, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 6:22, Reply)

Wrasslin'
I'll stand up and say this-- women make the best and most interesting professional wrestlers. Which would you rather watch, two sweaty, hairy men grabbing each other, or two women? Eh? Eh? I've got you, haven't I?
(the Angry Gumball Harmless American, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 4:10, 2 replies)

I don't know if
it is just my gf and mum. However two habits that they display that i have yet to meet in men, is answering a question with a question.
For examples
me:"are you going to be home tonight?"
her "why?" me (when feeling sarcastic) "well the bomb won't get you if you are not"

The other one is answering the question they think you asked.

For example, I asked my gf a very specific question (back story; we were going to a country club, which has a long witing list to join, for her grans 90s. One my gfs cousins is married to a bloke who was already a member and as such his direct family i.e. wife and kids get automatice membership. The cousins have two kids, my gfs bro was commenting on the above membership process.) I asked "how old is the counsins eldest son?" (planing on joking gf's bro could pretend to be said offspring to get in) I was then treated to a full list, in chronological order, of all the cousins offspring and relative ages. unhelpfully the offspring i wanted to know was the youngest of 6.... it wasn't a vague question... was it?

StyX

p.s. Typing from phone apologies for typos etc

p.p.s. have corrected but history has shown my written english is poor. Apologies etc etc
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 1:32, 4 replies)

My (female) boss is a B3ta reader so I'll just post this
I'd just like to say women as as good as men in almost every way... except when they're better, which is a lot.
( difficultchild, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 1:22, 5 replies)

Variety
Due to some rather marvellous results in maths (I believe it's called the central limit theorem? I don't know, it was about the only interesting thing I did in stats last year), many, many parameters in nature are distributed 'normally', the bell shaped curve where most entries are kind of average and fewer are at the extremes. The exact nature of the distribution can be defined by two numbers: a mean and a standard deviation. With most human characteristics - intelligence, height, hairiness, whatever - The mean value for men and women (an iq of 100 say [as an aside, I'm reminded of some important politician dismayed by the news that half his population had below average intelligence. What were they teaching in schools back then?]) is more or less exactly the same, but the standard deviation amongst men is significantly higher than amongst women. You don't get many super intelligent women, but you don't get many remedially thick ones either, hence the dominance of men both in cutting edge science and high art, and amongst the prison populations and in mental health wards.

The reason for this, I was told recently, and it makes considerable sense to me although I'm not a biologist so please correct me if I'm wrong, is that men have two different types of chromosome and so are more varied in every way than the more homogenous fairer sex. One woman is, on average, less dissimilar to another woman than a man is to another man because us gents have got a splendid y-chromosome.

While hopefully you will find that interesting, I doubt it will come as a huge shock to you upon a brief moment's thought. However, I definitely find that in one category, which for want of a better label we'll call 'loveliness', women are far, far more diverse than men. I can get along with most men, but seldom, if ever, have I found a man utterly enchanting and been bowled over by their warmth and grace. Not that there aren't many men I feel massive fondness towards; I'm lucky enough to to know some brilliant trouser-wearers, but I couldn't see myself ever falling in love with one. Neither am I frequently confronted with men who appall me on every level. Some women, though, simply astound me with the magnitude of their self-absorption and malevolence, whining spoiled bitches you can't quite believe are legally considered adults.

I guess what I'm trying to say, in an actually not-very-clear way, is that women's personailties are far more varied than your archetypal borderline-autistic hunter gatherer who's amused by flatulence. Or at least that's how it seems to me, maybe I'm guilty of not looking past my own prejudices and in-built programming. True objectivity seems to be to be nigh-on impossible, when you're only perception of the world is separated from it layers of flesh and organs.

Men: Responsible for Beethoven's ninth, calculus, the holocaust and Uwe Boll films
Women: some are harpies, some are angels, a lot seem to be able to shift at random between one and the other. All of them are bloody baffling, but I wouldn't half miss them if they were gone.

Sorry for rambling.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 0:33, 3 replies)

Mouth Noises
Women just can't do them.
You ask a man to make the sound of a machine gun or a lightsabre dual or a JCB backing over a pensioner walking a small dog along a gravel path and they with be able to faithfully recreate it with the necessary hand actions.

Women, however, can only provide a lacklustre performance at best and will skimp on any of the details.

You make think that this is childish and unnecessary, but if you want someone to give you an accurate representation of "That scene from that movie where the guy's all like..." you'll need to find a bloke.
( DR Mexico Hunt, Hunt, Hunt, He's The Huntsman!!, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 0:13, 2 replies)

An old favourite of mine - the world's bravest man:
...


(Though I've always regarded it as a humorous fake. Can anyone confirm?)
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Mon 28 Dec 2009, 23:39, 5 replies)

I'll be shocked if this hasn't been posted already
but I can't be arsed to check. On the 'slut vs stud' debate:

"I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock. That shut her up."

Not my quote, not my opinion, etc.
( Dave McF wrote some words on, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 23:26, 6 replies)

It's global
Here is one answer:

China shopping centre builds 'car park for women'

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/8432887.stm
(treaclebriggs, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 23:15, Reply)

Babies...
My husband is currently sat at the dining room table playing a geeky solo board game (Arkham Horror), whilst giving a running commentary to our 4 week old son, who is peacefully asleep beside him in his carrycot. It's only our second night as full time parents, as our son was born 6 weeks prematurely and spent the first 26 days of his life in the Special Care unit at hospital. My husband has, over the past 4 weeks, proved himself to be an absolute natural at the parenting thing.

Other than producing milk, there isn't anything that my husband can't do for our child just as well as I can. This may not be true of all men, but the assumption that men can't look after babies is utter rubbish.
(grandmaswhiskers, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 21:58, 5 replies)

The difference between a man and a woman..
1 metre: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/8432887.stm


(To be honest, I'm a shit driver. Learnt to drive via the army, and am very good at going forward and stopping and not much else... )
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 21:23, 1 reply)

apologies for not having anything of my own to say, but...

(and now for someone completely different, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 21:09, 3 replies)

Women and Men
The women who want to appear intelligent and knowledgeable, but don't want to put in the 'boring' hard work and studying to achieve it. It's very transparent, and a little sad to watch.

The pub men who think they have the answer to everything, and whose opinion is more valid than those who've spent years studying it on the basis that they're older and thus with age comes knowledge and infinite wisdom.
(BeardyMat, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 20:54, 3 replies)

Women are...
Snakes with tits.

You show me a beautiful woman and I'll show you a bloke that's bored of fucking her.
(el_Reedo Spanish partisan, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 20:52, 1 reply)

if men and women are equal
then why do I have to pay so much to shag a hooker ?
(danceswithferrets is leaking sanity, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 20:19, 3 replies)

What do you call
the useless flap of skin on the end of a penis?

A man...
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 28 Dec 2009, 20:10, 4 replies)