Shame
Not me, my brother (honest)

We were around 7 or 8 years old, being treated to a meal at a fancy restaurant. We arrive and the waiter askes what name the table was reserved in. My Dad replies "Kent" (being as that is our name) to which my older brother (aged 9 I think) shouts out "Make that cunt!"

I feel shameful only because of the look on the waiters face! He didn't know whether to laugh or kick us out
(JK5150, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 0:33, Reply)

Not so much shame as experience
I learned that while making the beast with two backs outdoors in the middle of July in the American South that one will get a lot of mosquito bites on one's arse.
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 0:25, Reply)

Once, in primary school
when I was about 8. I called my teacher Mum. The shame...
(Raoul Moat's New Fishing Rod, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 0:05, Reply)

I live in Portsmouth
Isn't that shame enough?
(Shadowman, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 23:59, Reply)

oooh..
just remembered one

fit girl i was flirting with a little at work - i'd seen her around before, but this was my first time chatting.. after a few mins of smalltalk, i come out with the enduring 'you've got ink on your lip' for her to reply 'erm.. no.. its a birthmark'.. she was fine about it, but dear god...

the worst thing was, i felt so bad i half-avoided her (ie didnt delibrately walk the long way round to bump into her) cos i was too embarassed. which probably didnt help..
(5lab, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 23:50, Reply)

no shir
i've never been the shame ash anyone, mish moneypenny

(coat?)
(5lab, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 23:41, Reply)

The common misconceptions of a 8 year old and urinals...
To this day i cannot piss in a urinal where there are other people present. Fact.

This is most probably due to the fact that when i was a poor, 'unwise in the ways of the world' 8 year old and had just started at a new school. One day came when i needed to take a piss during the school day, and enterting the boys toilets i found a urinal. ...Seeing as most houses dont tend to have these stand up urinal's iwas unfamiliar with their use. So much to my fellow classmates horror i stood proudly infront of the metal piss collector and dropped my trousers.....fully to the floor.

My lily white boyish bottom displayed for all to see, and anyone brave enough to look also found the addition of a proud smile on my face as i pissed practically all over my trousers by my feet.

someone explained to me that this was not the common practice afterwards, but of course, this was too late. The laughter that followed this event didnt stop for days, and to this day one of my friends from the time still mocks me every time i dissapear into a cubicle to take a whizz. "Remeber to pull them up when your done..." ....bastards.
(lift yr skinny fists, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 23:40, Reply)

Oh physical education, how I loathe thee
Back far beyond the mists of time, when I was but an angelic young mite, my innocent virgin mind yet to be spoiled by the corruption of a harsh and bitter world, there existed such a thing as "Gym class". This travesty alone was near unbearable in its repungance, yet paled in comparison to the consecutive abomination: the dreaded Communal Shower.

One particular encounter with this despicable beast will remain forever etched into my mind, a constant and degrading reminder of my pathetic failure as a man. Upon entering the aforementioned showers, what with the combination of bitterly cold water and the humiliating experience of complete and utter nakedness in the prescence of my many prepubescent peers, my already inconsequential penis was swiftly diminished to miniscule proportions.
Unfortunately for my rapidly-dwindling ego, a certain fellow urchin happened to observe this spectacular feat of biological engineering, and proceeded to remark the deplorable fact to his colleagues with several ear-piercing yet well-recieved screeches, only outdone in volume by the ensuing raucous howls of my savagely gleeful companions.

I was henceforth known only as "Shrivel".
(meagle, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 23:31, Reply)

I was very bad 1980's DJ who backed Brother Beyond over Bros.
My God what was I thinking, didn't John Peel teach me anything?
( David Bardell Diks - In Car 956, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 23:21, Reply)

what the fu#k was i thinking?
The first ever cassette i bought was 'Do the Bartman' by the Simpsons

The first ever vinyl i bought was 'Hey Mona' by Craig McLachlan.





PS i dont own a recorder player and never have.

PPS my second vinyl was the Worzels are Scrumptious, by the Worzels. But im strangly proud of this - its even been signed by their bass player Tony Baylis.
(Digstar fu#king loves biscuits, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 23:15, Reply)

Not sure if this counts, but...
During my town's "music festival" a couple of months ago, the headline act were The Specials (well, one member plus a backing band, doing Specials songs). I proceeded to get absolutely shitfaced on lovely lovely cider as soon as I arrived, meaning that by the time the headliners were on I was all over the place. First of all I tried to pull the 16-year-old sister of a girl I went to school with, before deciding it was probably in my best interests to jump up onto the stage and dance with Mr. Specials.

I was thinking in my hung over state the next morning "maybe I didn't look so bad when I was up there". The next thing my mum said made my heart sink: "I hope you weren't dancing last night, you were too pissed to stand up". I still have nightmares about it to this day. Oh, the shame.
(SJH, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:59, Reply)

Faecal Graffiti
WARNING: This is pretty foul.

Whilst studying at Brighton Uni I found myself in the 'Market Diner', a 24 filth hole of a cafe with a staff consisting of 15 year old proto rapists and greasy-haired old hags. It was about 4.00am, I was very drunk.

I had been there many times before and been a lot drunker, but something was different this time.

After finishing my egg and sausage sandwich, I made my excuses to my friends and staggered to the toilets. After a good long drunken piss, something caught my eye; the toilet brush.

In my drunken haze I thought it might be a laugh to check if there was any poo on the end. There was. My actions from this point on are worthy of both revulsion and worship in equal measure; both the greatest and the most terrible thing I have ever done at the same time.

I took the soiled brush and wrote on the tiled wall in foot high letters, as carefully as I could: CLEAN ME

Whenever I look back on this incident, I always try to imagine the expression on the member of staffs face who went in there on a routine toilet roll check and found my dirty, stinking protest.

Can something be both unimaginably foul and breathtakingly beautiful at the same time? I like to think it can...
(mark schmark, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:57, Reply)

I don't like this question...
...As I am now burning with mixtures of guilt and shame about all the myriad nasty and humiliating things I've done/had happen to me in the past.

The one that really sticks out though is doing a fart so loud in assembly one day back at primary school that it echoed around the assembly hall. I was then dragged to the front and made to apologise to the entire school.

I've just realised I've not really answered the question, but had to get that off my chest.
(spangledonkey I've got a mouse. His name is Gerald., Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:57, Reply)

Whilst on the subject......
I once, accidentally, accused the guy accross the road of wearing womens underwear, in front of his brother, and his eight year old son. We don't speak to him much now.... DW
(GOTO:10 dropped out, logged on and jacked off., Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:52, Reply)

Raised to seize the opportunity.....
....I'd speak my mind from an early age. So at the tender age of 5, in a bog-standard P.E lesson, whilst the class paused from the standardised running pointlessly in a circle in plimsoles (as endorsed by the government) we were asked by the teacher "Does anyone know the long name for your bottom?".
Quick as a flash an eager, young me raises his hand and exhales "The Vagina". I swear to God I have no idea where it came from... the worse thing was... probably neither did any of the girls.... DW
(GOTO:10 dropped out, logged on and jacked off., Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:49, Reply)

I once wanked onto my cat
Set it alight and then ate its toasted corpse. "Whoops!"
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:49, Reply)

Golden Grahams
Get pissed pull a rotter, go back to her house, start having sex, think im hitting that magical moment then realise that im actually pissing all over the poor lass. Make a exuse grab what clothing I can a legit.

Then spend the next two years at uni skipping any classes with her in
(stp, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:48, Reply)

Thanks B3ta
What a weird coincidence this question is. I was sitting bored out of my mind at work, humming along to my mp3 player, desperately waiting for the new question of the week. To keep me going I started flicking through some of the old questions and their various answers. Hoping to cheer myself up I clicked on 'Beautiful Moments' and read this post...

www.b3ta.com/questions/beautifulmoments/post25869/

Floored by the subtle poigiancy I blindly clicked onto a different question, 'The last thing that made you cry'. So immediately after reading and being moved by that last post I read the following one which is, without a doubt, the most heartbreaking thing I have ever read in my short and fairly worthless life.

www.b3ta.com/questions/crybabies/post29498/

I stood up and staggered towards the door suddenly overcome with emotion. It was at this point that my mp3 player flicked onto the next track which just happened to be Cloudbursting by Kate Bush, the very song that was playing in the background when I found out my Grandad had died. I hope they weren't but if anyone was looking in my particular direction at that moment they would have seen me, a tall well built northern bloke instantly, much to my embarrassment, burst into tears in the middle of the office like a little girl and quickly leg it for the fire escape. I came back in a couple of minutes later thankful for the high winds outside. It blew things into my eyes and irritated my contacts, that's why my eyes were red, honest. The thing is, the actual shame this story is about, after re-reading those posts, is the shame at myself for feeling embarrassed by what happened and making excuses for it.

Sorry about that, I'll return to the usual knob gags after a good nights sleep.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:27, Reply)

Young Hormonal Teenager Seeks Light Relief
Once knocked one off in the lavatory of a well known swimming complex in Yorkshire, aged about 13. When you've discovered the wonderful art of masturbation, you'll do it anytime, anywhere, anyhow.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:27, Reply)

me so bad
Two years ago I told the local council, as I pretended to be my now ex-wife, that I was dead after they sent me threatening letters regarding council tax & lack of payment thereof. Silly cunts still haven't had a penny off me after apologising. Oh, hang on, I don't feel guilty, does that count?
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:24, Reply)

When I was a very little girl
my mum used to cut off mine and my brother's toenails at the same time and I used to EAT THEM ALL. I have no idea why she didn't try to stop this shameful habit.
( The Helpful Bear, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:09, Reply)

I'm going to have lots of answers to this qotw...
One day, while walking along with a friend, this youngish lad asked me:

"Do you know what the time is?"

"Yes thanks" I said.

I know it's minor in the grand scheme of things but what a wanky thing to do. Still feel bad about that one.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:08, Reply)

Getting drunk...
...Sleeping with a rotter...

Then getting drunk a couple of weeks later and doing the same thing with a completely different rotter even though I SWORE I'd never do it again.
And then while at work the following week, having to serve both of them within minutes of each other.
Oh the wonders of cheap student nights not long after loan time.
(Biromunch, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 22:03, Reply)

This one time, at band camp...
... not really.

My shame follows me from my days at polytechnic up in Preston, I was living in a shared house and the couple in the big bedroom had a nice collection of porn in their room but they also had a lock on the door... a simple, three digit combination lock. Suffice to say it took about 3 minutes for me to get in one day when they were both meant to be at poly and I was meant to be ill (ahem). Got the porn and was spending a little time shining the silver, when i heard the door. They were back early and i had not only got the evidence in a now sticky hand, i had left their room unlocked. For some bizarre reason i tried to run back to their room to put the porn back and got caught on the landing with my pants round my ankles... nice.
I stayed there for a little while longer as they were forgiving types but they made it clear i ought to move on. Which i did.
Nevermind the length, feel the quality.
(dkintheuk, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 21:54, Reply)

I was a Marillion fan.
I saw them live more than once. I saw the last gig that they played while Fish was still in the band. I still know the lyrics to most of the tracks on the first four albums. I have them on vinyl. I have the original 12" versions of 'Market Square Heroes', 'Garden Party' and 'Assassing'.

When bored at gigs I occasionally shout "Grendel!" between songs just in case someone gets the pathetic in joke.

The shame...

...and thus begins the web!
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 24 Nov 2005, 21:49, Reply)

The cursed, holy, pound coin.
When I was nine I stole a pound from the church collection. My friends at the time had told me to do it and I obviously succumbed to the peer pressure. I later produced this pound when purchasing sweets; to which my best mate stared at me and horror and said "you didn't ACTUALLY do that did you?!"

Skip forward seven years, I was at a (now ex) boyfriend's house having a pizza-and-movie fest with all our friends. Someone then brought up this 'holy pound' stealage, to which I laughed and said how it was only £1 and that I thought God and Jesus etc was a load of bollocks anyway, so it didn't matter... I turned around at the presence of my boyfriend's Mum, a devout Christian, staring at me as if she had walked in to spot Satan on her sofa.

I never went around there again.

Except the time when we were all in a big group in the park and I broke one of his go-karts that his Dad had made. I helped lift it back to his house and merely dissolved into an uncomfortable silence when asked how the steering stick thing had got broken off.

I swear that bloody coin cursed me. I swear.

[my first post!!! wooyay]
(greengreen, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 21:24, Reply)

Inappropriate Drunkeness
My dad being a mover and shaker in the astronomy world, it so happens he's a good friend of b3tan favourite Sir Patrick Moore, the great bemonocled one. Therefore, last new years' eve, I accompanied my dad to his house in Selsey to see in 2005.

Whilst there, people kept offering me wine, which, as any good teenager, I was only too eager to politlely accept.

So accept them I did.
And again.
And again.

So by the time midnight rolled up I was absolutely slaughtered at the house of the man whose moon maps had been used by none other than the apollo programme. I had already staggered, with only just uncatastrophic results, into his drink cabinet and had been regaling his friends with what were doubtless very dull stories. My dad was, to say the least, not best impressed.

Fortunately, though heaven knows how, the xylophonist and leg-spinner extraordinnaire remained largely unaware of my abject stupidity.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 20:56, Reply)

A friend of mine
Me and a friend of mine were walking home from school when all of a sudden we see this boy who looked about our age.
Now, even if you have seen Monty Pythons' Ministry of Silly Walks, then you can hardly even begin to imagine how silly this boy walked.

My friend, being young and inexperienced in the ways a good boy behaves yells: "Look! There's a RETARD!"

Turns out the poor fellow had Downs-Syndrome.

The looks we got from the passer-bys...



Another time, not quite as embarrasing because there were fewer people, but still.

Same friend, about a month later.

An old lady is walking by with a crutch.
Friend: "Look! That old hag has got a crutch!"

Oh, the shame!
(Montesquieu The theory of separation of powers... Awesome!, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 20:52, Reply)

Immortal
My dad and I were listening to Led Zeppelin on the way home from the rail station. Curious about the song and eager for conversation, I asked, "is that Elton John?"

Poor Pa almost hit a telephone pole, he made me tell the story when the family was out to dinner, and if having to hear about it over and over isn't bad enough, I still make mistakes like that today.

"Who was that mad German fellow who killed all those Jews and invaded Poland? Stalin?"
"Hitler."
Bugger.
(DeadCats, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 20:38, Reply)