Fake turds
About a year ago, my flatmate bought an expensive coffee-making machine from Starbucks. While this machine made excellent coffee, it also left a wet brown residue that could easily be mistaken for crap in the correct context. We decided it was our job to create this context, and test the results on our other flatmate Steven. So we got a piece of bogroll, wiped the inside of the coffee-maker with it, left the shitty-looking paper lying on the floor beside the toilet. For added effect, we tipped the remaining contents of the coffee-maker into the toilet, with the effect that it looked like someone had had explosive diarrhoeah. It would seem that Steven saw nothing unusual in dropping shitty bogroll on the floor, however, since he merely flushed it away without passing comment.
(cybersquatter_, Fri 7 May 2004, 0:33, Reply)

This isn't particularly disgusting,
but way back in '91 when I canoed the Yukon, we camped in the wilderness with no toilet for miles around. That's when we found out why we had to take a trowel each on the trip.
Ever wiped your arse with grass? It's horrid.
It got to the point where just to be nasty, we'd throw the trowel back into camp yelling "shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitt!" as loudly as possible.
It was really bad for all of us though when we all got the shits from not boiling the river water properly.....ew!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 7 May 2004, 0:10, Reply)

Ahh food poisoning...
when you are nothing more than a small child.
Bucket in front, arse on kharzi.
Feeling like you are going to implode.
The force of being sick only makes the shit flow faster and more terrifyingly.
:(

Another horrific moment, coming back from my sisters 5 hour school rendition of Joseph and his technicolor dreamcoat, none of the toilets are open for public use and we have been sat on tiny primary school kid chairs. The kind that are just big enough for 5 year olds.
So with my stomach feeling like I've swallowed about 9 tattoo guns, I proceed to try and leg it home, only to shit self on the way.
Fortunatly I think I hid it well from the masses of family that had also joined us and blamed it all on food poisoning after cleaning my self up in the bathroom.
Having the next day off school to watch day time tv :)

Red licorice turns your poo red....with licorice bits in it.
And eating far too many sugar free polos will give you the shits for 4 days as my poor little sister found out in both cases.
(Hypher, Fri 7 May 2004, 0:04, Reply)

I was born two weeks overdue
as, despite the doctor's best efforts, all attempts to induce labour with my mum had failed. I was a lazy bugger (still am) and was determined not to be born. Eventually they decided to perform a Caesarean section on my mum due to me being 'in distress'. So out I came.

Unfortunately, being 'distressed', I had managed to shit myself just before birth, and therefore came out covered in some sort of revolting foetus-poo. I'm sure my parents were delighted.


Another shit-related story...my mum's a nurse and part of her job is collecting various samples from patients and making sure they get sent off to the right places etc. For a stool sample, you provide a patient with a plastic sample pot, they go off and do the business, and hand you back the pot with a *small* sample of shit in it to be tested. Simple in theory..

One patient was given a pot and asked to come back with a stool sample. However, she seemed to have misunderstood the word 'sample', and returned with a entire plastic pot totally packed full of shit, squashed down and levelled at the top. My mum was not impressed, but didn't want to say anything, as apart from anything else, it must have taken considerable effort to do!
(Chloe, Fri 7 May 2004, 0:03, Reply)

El Bandito de Caca
This is the funniest shit I've ever read. This thread, that is. I keep laughing so hard but only breathily so, not wanting to get busted here at work. The repeated convulsions to my abdomen may produce a shit story of their own in a minute here. Anyway, my story sounds pretty tame compared to the ones I've read here today, but here it is.

Several years ago I was living in an apartment complex that had just gotten new residence managment. I was starting to hate the new staff due to several sucky new policies they'd instituted. Plus the head guy was a loud-talker (can't have that now can we). So I decided on the spur of the moment one night to punish them. I had come home in the wee hours, good and hammered, and so I got the idea to leave a little present in the stairwell from the parking deck to the residential floors. I went around behind the bottom flight of stairs and quickly hatched a modest steamer, giggling myself silly. Ran up and woke up my roommates to tell them about it, laughing my head off. Then I forgot about it a bit. I normally used the elevator to the parking deck, so a few days later when I happened to use the stairs instead, I noticed that the whole stairwell smelled bleached and deodorized and disinfected. Ha! Somebody must have discovered my present! But it turned out to be even better than that. I got to the bottom floor and poked my head around the bottom flight to where I'd staged my little protest, and le turd was still there. So, clearly people had complained about a mystery stench, but the management people couldn't find it, and so they fucking scrubbed all four floors of stairs, hoping in vain to eradicate the odor. But their efforts were fruitless, as my happy little log was slowly desiccating all the while, undiscovered in its shadowed little niche, releasing its heady bouquet into the busy stairwell. I guess that really punished the residents more than the management but, aah, who cares. They were probably cunts too.
(kookoobirdz, Fri 7 May 2004, 0:02, Reply)

Coloured foods don`t just turn your poo interesting colours
I made myself a great sandwich with ham and beetroot, and went way over the top with the beetroot. The next day, I wandered half asleep to the bathroom in my student halls where instead of the normal straw coloured piss, I urinated the deepest red I’ve ever seen.
I was a little bit disturbed by this, panicked slightly and grasped the end of my dick to stop the flow. Bad mistake. I couldn’t hold it for more than 10 seconds before a fountain of scarlet wee burst from my member spraying the loo and walls a rather fetching shade! I don’t know who came in the bog after me, but I ran to the hospital where they ran test after test to try and work out where the “blood” was coming from. They didn’t find any trace of blood in my wee so discharged me, and it only occurred to me that it was the beetroot all along three weeks afterwards.
I felt like a tit., but it was a bloody good sandwich :-)
(crackshot, Thu 6 May 2004, 23:52, Reply)

Ahhhh Venice....
Me and a friend were staying at a hostel in Venice. After he spent the night drinking cheap wine, he was locked out by the hostel's curfew.
After spending the night roaming the streets, he finally made it in at 9am the next morning. He had a nap and woke up to find a disgusting lump in his shorts.

He felt horrible for having done it, and worse for not even remembering....
( Art101 You all have an unhealthy and morbid fascination, Thu 6 May 2004, 23:44, Reply)

This thread is self-fulfilling.
I have been desperate for a visit to the croucher for about two hours but just couldn't tear myself away from this thread. Eventually it became clear that if I didn't go RIGHT NOW and I read just one more really funny story I was going to be able to write the most up-to-date pooing myself story in the thread. Shame my GF isn't on hand. she gives people Barium Meals as part of her job and could probably fill an entire page with unpleasant hospital / poo related anecdotes...
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 6 May 2004, 23:43, Reply)

Once
In Germany I ventured forth into a public washroom where, to my horror, instead of normal toilets you crapped on an inclined ledge. Imagine my surprise to find a waiting margarine tub containing a fudge sausage - I nearly prolapsed with shock I can tell you. I was about to invite all my friends to take a peek but was distracted by the chimes of a passing ice cream van - the driver must have been confused for he did indeed have plenty of ice creams left. Needless to say it was shaped exactly like a 99 and tapered at the end. The kind man even pushed a chocolate finger into the top and pebbledashed it with strawberry sauce. Mind you... It tasted like shit.
(Watermelon, Thu 6 May 2004, 23:43, Reply)

ah fook
guys...I aint kidding....I just followed through....:(
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Thu 6 May 2004, 23:21, Reply)

I shit myself in public once...
I went for a friendly drink with my mate Darren during a bad spell of the runs. After we had left the pub we needed a piss and found some inviting shrubbery to relieve ourselves in.

As I urinated, my sphincter loosened enough to let a thin trickle of liquid turds streak down my pants and jeans. I had to remove my jeans, throw my pants in the bushes, and put my jeans on inside out to avoid being talked to by the police.

As we walked to Darren's house cars kept honking me and the clearly visible line of shit down my jeans. His sister thought I smelled a bit funny when we got back to his house.

Wonder why?
(ElectricMonk is falling awake on, Thu 6 May 2004, 23:17, Reply)

Ever had a Barium meal?
It turns your poo white.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 6 May 2004, 23:16, Reply)

Missile Command
When my son was a baby, he once farted during a nappy change on the kitchen table at a friends' house, hitting me in the arm with a tiny piece of green shit. Clear across the room.

As an occupational hazard of having kids, I've retrieved innumerable brown fish out of the bath when it's the kids bathtime.

TOP TIP: Wet your hands and get a bit of soap on them first. And make sure the lid on the pot is up too, before scooping and throwing. Don't try to drop it in the toilet, it'll slide and leave more shit on your hands.
Also, never leave a turd in the bath, it will dissolve, only to coat every available surface.

As a last one, my wifes' cousin has worked in a succession of old peoples homes. In one place was a guy who used to shit in his hand and pack it behind the radiator in his room. They were always having to get the caretaker to take the radiator off and chisel baked shit off the wall, while the bloke moaned, "it's mine, it's mine."


( Smallbrainfield, Thu 6 May 2004, 23:15, Reply)

Crap
It was my birthday, and me and my friends were celebrating it in a pizzeria. We decided to make a contest to see who would eat more pieces. I ended up in third place, with 14 pieaces. But the guy who won ate 21. After the last piece he rushed into the bathroom. We though he would throw up, so we followed him to mock him and claim victory to the guy who ate 19 pieces. But he went to shit. When he came out, we saw it: it was pure pizza. I don´t know how he did it, it seemed that his digestive tract ignored the pizza and sent it away with no kind of digestion at all.
(Monocromatico Lady Godiva's horse, Thu 6 May 2004, 23:12, Reply)

Another one
Involved our family pet - Sonny dog, a large and quite stupid boxer who enjoyed the run of our house, that is until I opened my little brother's bedroom door one day to find him (Sonny, not my brother) feasting on a soiled nappy out of the bin. He looked guilty for a second, but then more pleased with himself and started shambling over wagging his tail, whereby I noticed that he had bits of nappy plastic stuck between his teeth - cue a swift exit. He had to live outside after that, which seemed to suit him as he spent the rest of his days rolling in the mucked out hay from the nearby stables and gorging himself on manure. Class.

Come to think of it, in his elderly years he was exiled to my dad's house where he used to lie in front of the gas fire and brew huge squeaking farts that stank the whole room out with the smell of fetid dog doings. :/
(Watermelon, Thu 6 May 2004, 23:11, Reply)

I wish i didn't have this story to tell...
First let me set the scene. it was glastonbury, my friend was sharing his tent with his girlfriend. He and I were knackered from our previous evening, not of drugs, but of cold from leaky boots, drenched coats, being indie-kids and getting lost.

That morning, i need a poo

Says i "do you have any bog roll i can borrow?"

"yes", says he "its in one of those bags here in my tent"

he rumages through carrier bags

"Maybe its this one...no...this ones a bag of shit"

"what," says me "like a bag with, like, shit in it?"

"yes" he replies

and there it was a bag with a poo in it from his dear lady friend, too tired to find the toilets the day before.

i really hope she doesn't read these boards
edit\ i have been informed by her (now ex) boyfriend that i should also mention that she is now a published writer of a series of books based on a long-running sci-fi series.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 6 May 2004, 23:05, Reply)

Dr poo
I was working in a doctor's surgery a few weeks back, summarising patients' records and updating their database for the new contract (the fun things they make medical students do...)

Anyway, went into the only staff toilet amongst a dozen folk to find a HUGE (and I mean Michelle McManus size) torpedo lying in wait. Now, being the sensitive soul I am, I have a thing against pooing on someone elses property. So it was a case of either pooing in the bin or flushing. Well,.... three flushes later it was still there. Finally got rid of it with a flush and a makeshift javelin made from the toiletbrush.. The doctor's must've wondered why I flushed about 5 times in total...

On top of that, it was actually a pretty impresive smell too...
( Fudgebags will wear you like a glove, Thu 6 May 2004, 22:49, Reply)

Reminds me of a painful looking story...
www.boners.com/grub/791727.html

And whilst we're on the subject, here's my $0.02. I once trod in some proper mustard dogshit on the way to meet a girlfriend. She just had to invite me in to meet her parents, didn't she?
Option 1 - make excuses to remain outside.
Option 2 - take shoes off and leave them outside, and risk having perceived mental age of five.
Option 3 - come in, and hope for the best. I chose 3.

Another story, when I were a sixth form student I made some extra £££ cleaning at Sun Alliance. It's a massive company with a massive office, and several different toilets. The cleaners often recounted the legend of the Phantom Shitter, a mystery character, presumably a pissed-off office worker, who would shit in bizarre places such as plant pots and behind curtains. The phenomenon stopped one day as suddenly as it started.
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 6 May 2004, 22:41, Reply)

Eating
too many peas make your poo go green.
(jonnies, Thu 6 May 2004, 22:39, Reply)

Austrian Poo
Few years back in our last year at school, me and two of my best mates were looking after a bunch of younger kids on a school trip. We were acting as a go-between from kids to teachers (look after kids whilst teachers gettin pissed at the school's expense)

Well, our room had the biggest pile of manure right outside the window, which stank like hell so we always had to have the window closed.

Anyway, must have been all the dodgy continental meats, but one day I went for a poo in our toilet. Hour later and several magazine articles later, I emerge to furious shouting from my roommates over the disgusting, foul as the stench of hell smell. You could even smell it from the other side of the outside corridor with our room door closed. In the end we had to open the window to let in "fresh" air...
( Fudgebags will wear you like a glove, Thu 6 May 2004, 22:37, Reply)

Bro poo
My bro tells a story of how he got ratarsed one night,had the obligatory ruby and went home. He was woken from his oblivious drunken stuper by his irate girlfriend. in his sleep he'd shat the bed and rolled it all over the sheets, the covers, and her, it took a hell of a lot of grovelling to get out of that one. i beleive he slept in the spare room for a couple of weeks. They split up shortly after.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 6 May 2004, 22:36, Reply)

embarrasing shits number 1.......
I was out on a driving lesson when I suddenly felt the urge to defecate, I explained the feeling to my driving instructer who swapped seats with me and gunned the car doing 50 in a 30 zone, I managed to get home, and missed the loo by two seconds.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 6 May 2004, 22:34, Reply)

oh yeah
when we first "aquired" our cat (ask me if i'm on the board one day) it must have eaten twigs or something cos for about two days it calmly milled around with a twig sticking two inches out of it's bum, i was almost tempted to just grab it witht eh tips of my fingers and pull it out, but my active imagination convinced my otherwise, anyways, it was gone eventually
(The Cosmic Boy Zombie (Formerly Pirate Cat), Thu 6 May 2004, 22:16, Reply)

curiosity
once, when i was about five, i was in the toilets in school, washing my hands post slash. one of the other boys came in, who was from pakistan i believe. we shall call him mitul, because i can't remember his name. i began to wonder, and eventually decided to satisfy my curiosity.
"Mitul, you know how you have brown skin...."
"yeah"
"does that mean your poo is white?"
i can't remember his response, but it was a perfectly innocent enquiry, coz i assumed that perhaps skin colour and poo colour were somehow linked.......
(cap'nj, Thu 6 May 2004, 22:14, Reply)

When i was a baby
my sister had a toy doll. Anyway, i ate one of it's eyes, and the following day, my mother removed my nappy, only to find my psyclops poo was staring right at her!
(And, Thu 6 May 2004, 22:09, Reply)

work related poo story
Used to go for a pizza with a crowd of mates at least once a week. One time we left it a bit late and Pizza Hut was the only place stil serving. One mate (with whom I used to work, and consequently car share) had a Pizza hut Spicy hot one, family sized, all to himself. Shouldn't have been a problem as he was a hardened chilli enthusiast. But.
But for some reason the chillis on this thing were weapons grade and he spent all the next day in the bog at work groaning loudly. He emerged a couple of times to tell us how it was going or to let someone else use the one and only croucher.
We reckoned he was paid about £50 for that days work, not bad in about 1988.

This is a very useful and relevant utility:

www.jboom.com/poo-price/

.
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 6 May 2004, 21:57, Reply)

Again when I was little...
it was one of the first times I had used a toilet instead of a potty. I needed a wee and, as little kids do, I pulled my trousers and pants down all the way down to my ankles but stood up. Anyway I started to pee when all of a sudden I felt my trousers move. I thought nothing of it and carried on. They moved again. I looked over my shoulder and realised that I had pooed without realising. The poo and fell and landed neatly into my pants. We didn't have Kandoo in them days...
(I Want Billy, Thu 6 May 2004, 21:44, Reply)

i eat my poo
when i was merely a foetus, aparently i had to have my stomach pumped when i was born to get it out

i've also done like many others, and shat myself with dihorrea cos i had the runs, and a lovely experience it was too, actually no, i almost vomited.
(The Cosmic Boy Zombie (Formerly Pirate Cat), Thu 6 May 2004, 21:36, Reply)

Sound advice....
When I was moving into a shared house, first time away from my mum and dad's, my mate gave me same heartfelt advice - that you should never ever use shared cutlery.

Apparently he used to share a house with a guy who did the most humungous kaks that he fell into the habit of keeping a knife beside the crapper. He would simply chop up the 'mess' when finished, thereby needing to flush only once. However, when he moved out he...one can only assume in a fit of honesty and anxious not to thieve any shared property...replaced the knife in the cutlery drawer along with the others...

bleurgh!
(Kazza , loathing myself so you don't have to, Thu 6 May 2004, 21:32, Reply)

Oooooh... pretty dung colors
My college poop-tale was when a couple weeks ago I had an experiment where I ate NO CORN. NO CORN, NO CORN FLOWER, NO CORN AT ALL. My friend told me that the reason corn is in bunches of poop is because it reconstitutes itself if you eat flour or creamed corn, so I took him on a dare. (See? Girls ARE just as dumb as you!) Corn is a major part of the adverage college student's diet, so mainly I ate fruit and meat. That turned my poop, usually a -guess- poopy brown a GREENY HUE. I mean, it looked like chip dip. Lesson learned- Eat corn, lest your roomate use the turds for party food.
(ZooLurker is an angry chick with a mullet!, Thu 6 May 2004, 21:28, Reply)