yay babies!
whats pick and wrinlked and taps on windows?

a baby in a microwave.

done many many times before
(magictorch, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 14:00, Reply)

Probably been said before
Two men are out walking, and decide to go off in different directions, walking for 5 miles, then turn around and walk back and tell the other about their adventures.

A few hours later, they meet up and one man hasn't got anything to report. The other one says, "I came across a lady tied to a railway line. I untied her and then made wild passionate love with her".

"Wow," says the other guy, "did you get a blowjob too?"

"No. I couldn't find the head".
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:59, Reply)

Two fat guys
in a pub. One turns to the other and says "Your round". The other replies, "So are you, you fat bastard".
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:57, Reply)

in my a level history lessons
I had to sit next to a guy called Ben, and to put it mildly he was rather crazy. He was always coming out with scary 'jokes' here are some of his favourites:

What is the difference between 10 dead babies and a ferrari?
I don't have a ferrari in my garage.

Why did the baby fall off the swing?
Because it was dead.

Why did the baby fall off its tricycle?
Because I threw a brick at it.

What did the blind, deaf, wheelchair little girl get for her birthday?
Cancer.

Why didn't little Jimmy the criple get any Christmas presents?
Because he got crucified.

He also had a habit of drawing strange pictures and writing creepy things underneath them. For example under a scrawled picture of a dead girl he wrote "Dead girls don't say no" and "Just because she is dead doesn't mean she doesn't give good head."

Well it helped pass the time I guess... Just as long as he was sitting a long way a way.
(The Lump is malignant, unlike those pansy benign tumours, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:56, Reply)

Probably been said - havent looked
Whats the similarity between a woman and a KFC mega bucket?

You start on the leg, move on to the breast and at the end of the evening youve got a greasy box to put your bone in.
(costie, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:51, Reply)

the best thing
about shagging twenty eight year olds?

theres twenty of them.

what do you call an animal with a cunt halfway up its back?

a police horse.
(magictorch, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:50, Reply)

Olde but goody
A police car pulls up to an alley where one tramp is buttfucking another, the policeman calls out

"Hey what the hell do you think you are doing?!"

the tramp says;

"You see my friend has had too much smack and booze and I'm merely trying to help him puke it all up"


"That won't make him sick for God's sake!"
says the policeman

"It will when I make him suck my dick clean!"
replies the tramp
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:50, Reply)

k
what's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler?

at least hitler tried to finish the race
ok that was the first joke in there, sorry
---
a jew and a black man stood at a bus stop
the black man asks, "when's the bus due?"
the jew replies, "dunno, nigger"
( SarahRatt, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:49, Reply)

sorry again,
a white guy named dave richards and an indian guy die together and go to heaven, dave asks st peter if he is allowed in "of course" says peter, a while later the indian guy turns up and is a little nervous. "st peter" he says, "is there a dave richards in there"?, st peter looks around and shouts....

"TAXI FOR RICHARDS"!!
(incredible wrongun, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:48, Reply)

crap huh?
what has three legs and a cunt on top?

a drummers stool!
(Wibbly Pig, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:46, Reply)

GIRLS
Whats the best thing about making love to 28 year old girls?

There's 20 of them.
(Lexicon3000, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:45, Reply)

Celebs
Whats yellow and ugly and sleeps alone?

Yoko Ono.

---

Whats black, white and had three eyes?

Sammy Davis Jr. and his wife.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:45, Reply)

ummm....
probly been done but here we go:

A priest is walking along the cliffside when he sees a little boy looking down the cliff miserably. The priest goes up to him and says "What's wrong?" The little boy points down the cliff to a big car wreck.

The priest says to the boy "Were your mummy and daddy in that car?" The little boy nods.

The priest drops his trousers and says "It's just not your lucky day is it?"
(mrcheese989, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:43, Reply)

push me pull you
What's The Opposite Of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.
(Lexicon3000, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:42, Reply)

Two Kids...
Are playing in a corn field. They follow "animal tracks" to a flattened patch of Corn in the middle of which is lying a "cow's teat"

Being well-braught-up kids, they go running happily to the farmer and say, "Mr Wurzle!!! We found a Cow's teat in the field, and figured it must have been yours... here it is!!!" *kid proudly holds up the saggy pink latex item*
The farmer nearly panics, but manages to keep his cool and says "Thanks Lads.. erm... Daisy's been missing that for a couple of days... she'll be glad to have it back. Err.. here's a quid... why not go get yourselves some Chocolate eh?"

As the intrepid 6 year-olds rush off to the shop, one remarks to the other.... "do you rekon he'd have given us a fiver if we'd not drunk the milk in it?"

********
Disclaimer
Apologies for not using the following words: Blender, Hypothermia, Baby, or any phrases such as "cot death". I'm sure somone will satisfy your need very soon, so relax.....
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:42, Reply)

What's black and loud?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron
(Rata-tat-atouille, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:41, Reply)

i am very sorry for this, really

what has 14 legs and a black cunt?



s club 7!
(incredible wrongun, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:41, Reply)

Right.
A woman walks into her flat, and sees Her boyfriend whacking Her baby's head against the wall. He then smashes it into the TV, pisses on it and finally, drop kicks it out of the window with a hearty yell.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY???!!!" she screams
"don't worry" He replies. "It was already dead"
(Willboy:, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:40, Reply)

What do you get if you put a knife in a baby?

An erection.
( newg rum n coke, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:36, Reply)

Fluid
Why did God make sperm white and urine yellow?

So that men could tell if they were coming or going

---

How do you get an Iranian girl pregnant?

Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:35, Reply)

How do you know when your sister's got her period?

When your dad's cock tastes of blood.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:34, Reply)

Boom boom
A limbless women enters a strawberry eating contest

...she wins, the jammy cunt.
(spratz, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:33, Reply)

Whats the smallest pub in the world?



The Thalidomide Arms....
(father artois, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:32, Reply)

Been done - probably...
A little girl stands on the edge of a cliff crying. A man happens to be passing and asks her what is wrong.

"My parents" she says "We were walking along the cliff and a sudden gust of wind blew them both off and down onto the rocks below!"

The man looks down and sees the crumpled bodies of her parents, shakes his head and tuts, then starts unbuttoning his flies.

"What are you doing?" asks the girl.

The man replies, "Not your lucky day..."
(Log of the Bar, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:32, Reply)

Gayness
Why did the homosexual leave home?

He didn't like the way he was being reared

----

How do you get four homosexuals on a barstool?

Turn it upside down
(Wrecked Tums, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:31, Reply)

As the ex doesn't have an account here, I figured I'd post this
Especially since I've actually bothered to read the whole thread and haven't seen it posted.

Q: What's the definition of innocence?
A: A nun, working in a condom factory, believing she's making sleeping bags for catterpillars

I thank you.
(Snitter the Rat, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:31, Reply)

There's this family of prostitutes, right?
The daughter charges £20 for a blow job

The mother charges £5 for a blow job

The granny is just pleased to get a warm drink.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:31, Reply)

I can't be bothered searching to see if it's here...
An old lady dies and goes to heaven, when she gets to the Pearly Gates St. Peter
tells he that she's been so good in her life she can have anything she wants.
She has a quick look around and says "I'd like a Halo like Lady Diana has"

St. Peter replies "That's not a Halo love, that's a steering wheel."
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:30, Reply)

The shame.....
What sparkles like a diamond and fits in a small girls ring?

Gary Glitter!

How do you know when it's bed time in the Jackson household?

When the big hand touches the little hand...

Gary Glitter's new book - The ins and outs of child rearing.

Boom Boom x3
(mummmrah, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:30, Reply)