arsenal fans...
So my mate regularly goes to watch arsenal play and he regailed me with this story.

The arsenal fans "lovingly" refer to the spurs supporters as 'yids', the joke being that there (supposedly) is a large jewish continjent amongst their fanbase.

So at one north london derby, imagine the reaction when out of the blue one of the arsenal supports gets on his feet and yells:

"I`D RATHER BE A SPASTIC THAN A YID!!!"

An initial silenced reaction followed by muffled agreement ensued amongst the fans.

Lots of love...
(widdy, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 18:10, Reply)

whats the best thing about ahving sex with twenty eight year olds
there's twenty of them
(marvin889, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:56, Reply)

May Have been done
What did the lepor say to the prostitute?

"You can keep the tip."

Genius.
(Squid Bunty, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:54, Reply)

who said that teachers dont have a sense of humour?
we were told in a staff room meeting that a boy we teach had been killed in a car smash.

"one less book to mark!" my mate pipes up

an icy chill filled the room
(Sheeps, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:46, Reply)

whats the definition of disgusting?
1st man "shagging your granny up the arse and licking the sweat off her back"

2nd: "that is disgusting. my granny doesnt sweat when i fuck her up the arse"

boop boop be doop!
(Sheeps, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:42, Reply)

What are pink and fluffy and haven't moved for 13 years?
Freddie Mercury's slippers.

/slippers
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:41, Reply)

taxi for one. . . . . .
why does helen keller wear tight jeans?

so you can read her lips
(Sheeps, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:39, Reply)

whats yellow and tastes of piss?
piss
(Sheeps, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:37, Reply)

boxes of clocks and socks and foxes cocks
2 prostitutes on a street corner

1st one "you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"no but ive been swung around by the tits a couple of times"

lolipop!
(Sheeps, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:37, Reply)

hmm
if I check to see if this joke has already been posted, I will lose 6 hours of my life.

We were standing in line for ice cream in my home town of San Francisco and one of my friends was making holocaust jokes (like people do). it worked; the family in front of us got out of line, they were so offended...woo!

so then another of my friends is like, "you know what? you need to shut the fuck up. My great-grandfather died in the holocaust."

us: O_O

"yeah...he was pretty drunk when he fell off the watchtower."


(ok not terribly sick but it still makes me laugh)
(Ambassador Strangelove COVERED IN PORK, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:36, Reply)

Have
you heard the one about hitler's gas-bill where's he's sobbing on the edge of the cliff because of his broken pelvis while Stevie Wonder is unzipping his fly behind him nailing a dead baby to 10 trees?

Not even the bit about about the wheelchair-bound quadraplegic in a clownsuit turning over a 3yr old girl to pretend it's a boy in the Paralympics? Damn.
( Laughing Boy, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:30, Reply)

Straight to hell
Well...

A man walks past a boy sobbing his heart out at the top of a cliff. He stops and asks 'Are you OK? What's happened?'

The boy tearfully points over the side of the cliff face and the bloke peers over to see 2 mangled bodies at the bottom.

'Oh my god, are those your parents?' The boy nods and the bloke replies as he unzips his flies 'It's not your lucky day is it?'
(catfish432, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:20, Reply)

Requestor
I'd like to make a request for a couple of "Aristocrats" jokes if anyones in teh mood for out-sicking Cartman.

Wo0ot.
(Daveh, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:11, Reply)

sick jokes
whats the definition of sick?
fingering your 3 year old sister and finding your dads wedding ring
(fwack bang on it, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 17:08, Reply)

not necessarily a joke...
my best mate sam was in sceince the other day...

teacher: where do you find chemical reactions?
sam: in a gas chamber *dirty grin*
teacher: you sicko... detention...

this one is though:

a guy is sitting in his office. he's feeling a bit cheeky, so he decides to get some proffesional help. he calls up the nearest prostitution agency, and asks them to send the best person that they can straight away.
about twenty minutes later, a slender young blonde turns up.
"what do you want me to do first?" she enquires.
"well," he says "it's my first time, shall we start off with a handjob?"
"sure..." she says "that's £500."
"WHAT!?" he shouts "500 quid?"
"you see this watch on my wrist?" she shows him a diamond encrusted rolex. "i bought that with the money i get from handjobs."
"wow," he says "you must be good... go for it!"
five minutes later, he's sitting there, with his trousers round his ankles, covered in his own muck.
"fucking hell!" he says "that's the best wank i've ever had!"
"yeah," she says "i know. anything else?"
"do you do blowjobs?"
"sure" she says again "that's £1000."
"What the fuck!" he yells "for a blowjob?"
she grabs his arm and leads him to the window.
"you see that porsche out there?" he looks at the shiney new boxter; "i bought that with the money i get from giving head..."
"fuck!" he says "it must worth it. let's go!"
she sets to work again. this time he almost passes out from the pleasure he experiences. she stands up and wipes her mouth.
"Jesus!" he shouts "that was the best fucking blowjob i've ever had!"
"i know..." she says "anything else?"
"well, i've done your hand... that was amazing. i've done your mouth, that was even better... now i want your faff!"
"right..." she says.
she leads him back over to the window. pointing to a huge skyscraper on the horizon, she says "you see that tall building?"
"Yes!" he says, guessing what's coming next.
"if i had a faff, i could probably buy it..."
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Sun 12 Sep 2004, 16:55, Reply)

My turn.
Q. How do you get a goth down from a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. Whats got 4 legs and an arm?
A. A happy pitbull.

The rest have been repeated to death by now so I won't bother with any more.
( Yamon Benny Harvey. RIP., Sun 12 Sep 2004, 16:40, Reply)

Couple o' sick uns
The expectant father is waiting in the hall for his wife to give birth. He's pacing up and down, back and forth - nervous that something might go wrong with the delivery. Eventually, after much anxious waiting and pacing, the midwife comes out with the baby wrapped in a blanket. As the elated and relieved father walks toward the midwife, she grips the baby by the feet and starts smashing its against the wall, sending blood, brain and shards of bone spraying everywhere. The father screams in horror "What the hell are you doing!?" "Take a joke, man", the midwife says, pausing for a moment and letting the carcass drip onto the floor. "It was stillborn!"

What do you do once you've eaten a vegetable?
Put them back in the wheelchair
(GroovyGranule, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 16:34, Reply)

how do you make a dog drink?
stick it in a blender

what breaks when you fuck it?
a 3 year old's pelvis

what did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas?
cancer
( the wub - guide onion for the blind, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 16:06, Reply)

Sorry about the crapness of these but...
here we go.
a young boy is in the car with his father. His father nearly hits someone and yells "Bastard!". The boys asks "Dad, what does bastard mean?" The father replys "Its another word for 'stranger' son". When they arrive home, the little boy finds his mother stuffing a turkey. She loses her watch and shouts "Fuck!" He asks her what the word fuck means. She answers "Its another word for 'stuff' son". SO the little boy wanders upstairs where his father is having a shave. He cuts himself and yells "Bollocks!". The young boy asks what bollocks means. The dad retorts "Its another word for 'chin' son". Suddenly there is a knock at the door. The little boy, full of newfound wisdom answers it. There are 2 policemen at the door. He greets them with
"Hello you bastards, dont worry my mothers fucking a turkey and my fathers shaving his bollocks"


Another one...
(this one is sick in itself without the punchline)


A teenager is asked by his mother to babysit for his little sister. She instructs him to go in the bath when she does to keep her company. She leaves whilst the teenager is telling his young sister about penises, but referring to them as "Sammy The Snake". When she returns, she finds the teenager, on the couch, with a towel around his manhood. She asks him whats wrong whe nhis sister arrives saying
"Well we were in the bath, when sammy squirted me"
"So..." said the mother
"So i bit his head off!"

Last one


A young mother is pregnant with triplets whe nshe is shot by a gunman. A few years down the road, her first born, a girl, comes in and says "Mum i just had a wee and a bullet came out". The mother is shcoked, and it is increased whe nher other daughter comes i nand says "mum iowas having a wee and a bullet came out". Then, the boy comes in looking pleased wit hhimself. "Dont tell me" the motjer says, "you had a wee and a bullet came out"
"No" , the boy says.
"I was having a wank and i shot the dog"
(javier, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 15:28, Reply)

really really sorry
Q. whats worse than having sex with an 8 year old girl?
A. flipping her over and pretending she's an 8 year old boy
(Barry Big Fist, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 14:53, Reply)

dead babies
This is for my 2 year old nephew

Q. what's pink, red and moves at 100 miles an hour?
A. a baby in a blender

Q. what's brown and taps on glass?
A. a baby in a microwave

Q. whats orange, blue and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool
A. a baby with slashed armbands

Q. whats funnier than a dead baby?
A. a dead baby in a clown suit
(Barry Big Fist, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 14:49, Reply)

whats the difference between...
a truck of sand and a truck of babies?


You cant pick up sand with a pitchfork.


i love my uncles sick jokes...
(KellieFo zomgz11!, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 14:45, Reply)

q
Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

You only have to punch the information into a computer once.
(www.nufc.com, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 13:57, Reply)

Why do women have periods?
'Cause they fucking deserve them.
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 13:23, Reply)

Whats green and eats nuts.......




Gonarear(sp)
(Phil Febuggure, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 12:46, Reply)

*shudders*
What's the best thing about abused children?
They taste better
(carpediem, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 12:25, Reply)

What...
...do vegetarian worms eat?
Linda McCartney.
(rose-a-lita, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 10:52, Reply)

Two jokes for ya
(The first has to be spoken out loud for full effect):

Two syphilli are hanging from a cliff. One turns to the other and says "Looks like were a gonner here."


What do you call a Yugoslavian prostitute?

Slobba-down-my-cock-you-bitch.
(Wrecked Tums, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 10:50, Reply)