variation on a theme
what do you call a woman with no legs?
- dirty cunt.
(fay, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 18:09, Reply)

confused
A small boy walks into the sitting room where his mother is watching Sunday evening TV.

He proclaims triumphantly "I had SEX last night!"

His mother went livid "WHAT!? What do you mean you've had sex, get to your bedroom, I'll send your father up when he get's home!"

So the young lad goes to his room and worries about what his father will do with him.

When his dad comes in, he goes mental.

"I can't believe you had sex at your age" etc. etc. but then after he's finished shouting he whispers "Son, I'm so proud of you, having sex so early, smashing! My wee man, my wee man! Tomorrow we'll go to Toys R' Us and you can have your pick, have your pick! Just don't tell your mother! Haha, my wee boy's a man! Brilliant!"

So the next day they go to Toys R' Us, and they're looking round.
"I want that one!" exclaims the boy, pointing to a brand spanking new BMX.
"That? Are you sure? You don't know how to ride a bike yet?"
"I want that one!"
"Ok, ok, we'll get that one. Are you sure?"
"I want that one!"
"Ok."

So the father leaves the shop and says "Do you want to me to show you how to ride it then?"

The boy replies

"Don't like it."

*end note. I realised this joke might have been done and in my hoegardden state thought it might be funnier ad-libbing. All my own material you understand.
(Lannes, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 17:47, Reply)

WOOT
Why did Billie Piper cross the road?

Coz she wanted to she wanted to

Ticket to hull plz
(mcintoish, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 17:21, Reply)

Gary Glitter has just
gone into rehab to fix his 12 year old crack habit!
(djgalaxe, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 16:48, Reply)

On safari
A nervous wreck of a guy goes to the doctors and worriedly says, "Doctor, I've been buggered by an elephant."
The doctor examines the guy, his ass is a full on goatse, about a foot wide.
"My god man, how did this happen?"

"Well I was on a safari" cried the patient, "and went for a crap behind a tree, when a bull elephant snuck up behind me, trapped me there, and raped me."

"Why that's awful" the doctor replied. "Just out of curiousity, I know for a fact that an elephants penis is only around 5 inches in girth, yet your anus seems to have been stretched a lot more than that"

"Yes, well he fingered me first".
( masakatsu best of all the burger meats, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 16:04, Reply)

Can't recall if I posted this last time round so...
What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas?



Cancer.
(Ed Can Do, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 15:23, Reply)

Two Tramps
walking down beside a railway track. One tramp turns to the other and says "This is my lucky stretch of track. Last month I found a case of whisky, took back to my matress, underneath the arches and got pissed for a week!"

"Lucky bastard!" replied the other tramp.

A couple of miles later down track it was the other tramps lucky stretch of track. He explained to the first tramp, "last month, I got to here and there was a woman, naked, tied to the tracks. So I untied her and we went back to my matress underneath the arches and we fucked all weekend, I mean we did everything!"
"Wow! You lucky bastard!" replied the first tramp, "You did everything! Did she suck your cock?"
"No" he replied, "I couldn't find her head."
(Kihap, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 15:18, Reply)

just desserts
A black couple go out to a fancy French restaurant. They're waiting for a table when the snobby heady waiter takes them to one side and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable at the fried chicken restaurant down the road".
The black man clenches his teeth angrily and with his wife trying to stop him, strides over to the dessert cart, drops his trousers, pulls out his cock, and shoves it into one of the dishes.
The head waiter cries "What are you doing, are you mad!?"
The man says "Mad? I is fuckin' dis custard!"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 15:00, Reply)

do footie jokes count?
What happens when a Chelsea fan takes Vigara?
He gets taller
(uttertosser, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 14:19, Reply)

Why couldnt the cat drink its milk?
Because its head was nailed to the floor
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 14:03, Reply)

Why did the Tasmanian have a scar on his shoulder?
His aunt didn't like having to compete with his dead siamese sister.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 13:24, Reply)

Another
A Small weedy guy get arrested and sent to jail for emzzling forty seven million dollars from his employer, on his first day in the slam he is put in a cell with a Giant black dude called Leroy,

All is quiet till leroy says " lets play a game, lets play mumm and daddy, do you want to be mummy or daddy ?" the little guy thinks and replies that he will be daddy, "Fine" says Leroy " Come over here and suck mummys cock"
(Funkwomble XBL and PSN DangerBoy73, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 12:13, Reply)

I like this one
A guys just finished having sex with his girlfriend and a he is wiping his cock on the curtains she says "Are you a paedophile ?"
He answers "Thats a big word for a five year old"
(Funkwomble XBL and PSN DangerBoy73, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 12:10, Reply)

very old
Kid: Mummy mummy! I dont like spaghetti!!!!

Mum: Shut up, or I'll pull the veins out of your other leg!
( Bamboo Steamer, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 11:37, Reply)

fishing.
Fisherman Fred arrives at his favorite fishing lake to find the top spot gone.. ‘No matter’ he thinks he'll be off so ill have it then. The man is there till past dark and the same again all week.

Eventually Fred gets curious and wanders over.

'Hello, local are you?'
'Nope I’m from Milton Keynes I’m on my honeymoon'
'On you honeymoon? You should be home shaggin the wife?’
'Nope she's got gonorrhea'
'Well what about up the chuff then?’
'Nope diarrhea'
'Blowjob then?’
'oral herpes'
'Fuck sake why did you marry her'
'For the maggots'



Thank you I’m here all week… cd’s by the door on your way out
(big finger, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 11:19, Reply)

hopefully virginal to this qotw.
A polar bear decides to go to the beach as it is a nice sunny day,
after driving for a few hours he almost arrives at his destination
then he notices that the oil pressure on his car has started to drop,
luckily he noticed he had just driven past a garage so he turns
the car round and pulls in, he tells the mechanic the problem, the
mechanic tells the polar bear to go off for an hour or so and then come
back as he should then know what the problem is. So the polar bear
decides to go for a walk down the beach, an hour later the polar bear
returns to the garage and find the guy looking at his car, the mechanic
says "Looks like you've blown a seal" to which the polar bear says
"No I've just eaten an Ice cream".
(site_history_log, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 11:08, Reply)

one for your granny

whats the best thing about having sex with twentyseven year olds ?

there are so many of them . . .
(The Cats Twat, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 10:49, Reply)

clean as a whistle
how do you know when your sister is on her period ?


there'll be a taste of blood off your uncles cock.
(The Cats Twat, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 10:44, Reply)

A little ditty from my past...
Half a pound of legs and arms,
Half a pound of plastic,
Stick them in a washing machine,
Out comes a spastic.
(Bertie Dastard Wax on, wax off, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 10:17, Reply)

OK - Thought of this one as I was getting out of bed
Why are menstruating women like job centres?

Because they both only give you blow jobs. :|
( B3tan Housewife, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 10:07, Reply)

...
b3ta not having a new qotw and me being hungover on a friday :-((
( wierdo was bored @, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 9:36, Reply)

Not sick but...
... At least it's not another fucking dead baby joke.

A teacher at school is trying to emphasise to her pupils the point of having a good breakfast, and how it makes you cleverer than those who don't eat it. To make a point, she asks John, the cleverest boy in the class what he had for breakfast: "Muesli and a slice of wholemeal toast with jam miss" and she asks him how many states there are in America "50 miss".

She then asks Jenny, the cleverest girl in the class what she had for breakfast: "A big bowl of frosties and a big glass of orange juice miss" and she asks her what the longest river in the world is "the Nile miss"

She then turns around and asks Billy, the stupidest kid in the class what he ate: "I had a stale crust for breakfast miss". The class giggled, the teacher tutted and told him he should have something more substantial. "Okay Billy, can you tell me where the Indian border is?"

"Oh that's easy!" Exclaimed Billy "He's in bed with me mam. That's why I only had a stale crust for my breakfast!"

Rum tarrah pom-pom!
(theneuroticpanda, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 9:21, Reply)

a variation upon a joke just told
Q) what do you do after you rape a deaf and mute girl?
A) Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone
(site_history_log, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 9:10, Reply)

Glitter
They dont celebrate chrimbo in Tailand, but this year they'r gonna hang Glitter from a tree!
(Cabbage, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 7:48, Reply)

Another topical one....
Why shouldn't you wear Russian boxer shorts?

'Cos Chernobyl fall out
(Benz, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 7:32, Reply)

Was there a time when attrocities committed by terrorists were not funny??
IRA jokes

Q: What's black and skims across the water at 70 MPH?
A: Lord Mountbatten's shoe


Q: What's pink and fuffy and does'nt move?
A: Mrs Tebbit's slippers

Q: Who's the fastest reader in the world?
A: Norman Tebbit - 5 storey's in 3 seconds

topical topical
(Benz, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 7:30, Reply)

Hee hee hee....
Sorry, these aren't original but they weren't on the pages I looked at.....


A child molester and a young boy are walking through the woods on a very dark night...
Child: "Gosh, I'm awfully scared."
Child Molester: "You're scared.....I gotta walk back through here all by myself!!!"


Q: How do you make a 5 year old cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.


Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his arse!


What's grosser than gross?.....
Putting a dozen raw oysters up a girls ass and sucking out thirteen!
( Milo the crab, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 7:28, Reply)

And now for something different
There was a young fellow called Cyril
Who was raped in the arse by a squirrel
He liked it so good
That he stayed in the wood
For as long as the squirrel stayed virile


There was a young man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
The heat of his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And ripped all his foreskin away
(mudskipper, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 6:50, Reply)

hum
Q: How can you tell that there's an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell that there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: You have to put the partially-eaten dismembered body parts of your infant daughter in the freezer instead.
( wingpig wish I'd known about liquify eighteen years ago, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 5:45, Reply)

A true SICK joke
Young Boy: Mum, mum, can I have a straw?

Mum: Yes, why?

Young Boy: well the dogs ben sick and dad's eaten all the lumpy bits.


and also

two condoms walking down the street when they happen upon a gay bar. One says to the other, Come on, lets go in here and get shit-faced!
(airliebird Has now found Twiglets in Sydney!!!!!!! yay!, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 5:39, Reply)