Genital warts
True story

There was a girl on the operating table and she had massive genital warts and was due to get married in two weeks.

The Surgeon looks up and says "what do you do with a virgin with this many warts on your marriage night?"

The anesthetist replied, "Get her to scratch your back!"

The Scrub nurse cuffed him round the back of the neck.

All true, I wos there.

.
(chrisjw, Sat 18 Feb 2006, 11:47, Reply)

Wiflet sceams after sex

How do yo make your wife scream after sex?




Wipe your dick on the new curtains!

.
(chrisjw, Sat 18 Feb 2006, 11:40, Reply)

Necrophilia Meeting
Three necrophiliacs get together in a pub to swap stories. They start talking about the optimal time for penetrating the corpse. The first necrophiliac says he prefers to shaft the dead body moments after death. The other two disagree, saying that with the body warm, there is not much point even calling the act necrophilia. The second guys says he likes to wait around 3 days after death before doing the dirty. Rigermortis has set in, and it's always good to get stiff with a proper stiff. The third guy smiles and says he prefers to wait around 3 months. The other two look confused and ask him why. He simply replies - "That way, I can penetrate the body anywhere I want".
(gooseman77, Sat 18 Feb 2006, 0:27, Reply)

What do you do if a cat spits at you?
Turn the grill down a bit.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Fri 17 Feb 2006, 19:42, Reply)

The only PC sick joke?
What do you call a woman police officer who shaves?

Constable
(Celebral, Fri 17 Feb 2006, 11:08, Reply)

On The Right Track?
While walking to work early one morning a man ran into an old buddy of his walking in the other direction. "What are you doing out so early in the day?" the man asked. "Oh dude you wouldn't believe what happened to me." his buddy replied. "Dude check this out." continued the man's buddy, "I got so fucked up at this bar last night, the asshole bartender took my car keys. So I had to walk home when the bar closed. So I started walking and decided I could save time if I cut down through the railroad train tracks. I get a little ways down the tracks when I see this bitch tied down to the train tracks. I looked around but there wasn't anybody else there. Just this girl all tied up across the rails. So I thought, hey ain't nobody around, this chick's all tied up. I'm gonna fuck her. Man I fucked her so good. Then I was gonna leave but I figured why rush off? This bitch ain't going nowhere. So I fucked her again and again. I spent the whole night fucking the shit outta that cunt. Then the sun started coming up, so before anybody came along and caught me I took off for home again and then I ran into you." "Holly Fuck!" the man exclaimed. "You gotta be a crazy fucker raping a poor girl like that." So shocked by what his buddy had told him the man was however still a little curious so he asked, "So during all that time you spent fucking her, did you get any head?" "Head ? " his buddy said "Naw, I never found no head."
(cinsidy, Fri 17 Feb 2006, 9:11, Reply)

Why is American Airlines the best airline to fly?
Because they take you RIGHT to your office!
(Devilsfood, Fri 17 Feb 2006, 0:04, Reply)

What's blue and fucks kids?
Me, in my lucky blue suit
(natman, Thu 16 Feb 2006, 13:48, Reply)

Blocked Nose?
AT A TRAIN STATION SOMEWHERE:-

Customer: "Buh dickit do Dottingham pleabe"

Ticket clerk: "Sorry sir?"

Customer: "I thaid, buh dickit do Dottingham pleabe."

Tickit clerk: "Oh, you have got it bad, must be the weather. Have you tried Vicks?"

Customer: "Mwhy Dud dat cure Down Thyndwome?"

My first post, do I get a cookie?
(quedge, Thu 16 Feb 2006, 13:27, Reply)

A woman is in the maternity ward.....
....sqeezing out her baby. After several hours of sweating and screaming she finally pushes her child into the hands of the attending doctor.

The doctor immediately punches the baby repeatedly in the face, cracks its head open and then throws it out of the window.

'What the hell are you doing!' shouts the woman

'It doesnt matter' the doctor replied, 'it was dead anyway'.
(haddddock, Thu 16 Feb 2006, 13:05, Reply)

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've already told her twice.
(haddddock, Thu 16 Feb 2006, 12:45, Reply)

CALL THE POLICE
Quick, someone call the police, she's going to kill the baby!!!

oseda.missouri.edu/~lance/Pix/IMG_0001.jpg (look at her face/mouth area)

Hurry up!

(Sorry to post again so soon but you should see it)
(Timmeh I am Timmeh and Timmeh is me!, Thu 16 Feb 2006, 12:45, Reply)

Sick Joke
Not as sick as some jokes but not something you'd tell you grandmother....

What's the difference between a HOOKER and a DRUG DEALER?? A hooker can clean her crack and resell it the next day!
(Timmeh I am Timmeh and Timmeh is me!, Thu 16 Feb 2006, 12:32, Reply)

Not recist, i love the 100m Sprint!
I was sitting in McDonalds the other day when a gang of about 20 skinheads chased an Indian guy past me, cornered him and kicked the shit out of him. Someone asked me why I didn't help, I said "To be honest I thought 20 was enough"

*badum tchsss*

What do you say to a chav at work?
-Bigmac and Fries please.

What have a tightrope walker and a man getting a blowjob of an 80 year old got in common?
-They're both too scared to look down.

Whats brown and sticky?
-Damilola Taylor (ooooooh!)

Ok this has been done but for those who haven't seen it.

Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?
-Stephen Hawking in a house fire.

*mute trumpet* Waaa waaa waaaaaaa.
(chalky_bumface Looks to me like it's Rape O'Clock!, Thu 16 Feb 2006, 9:58, Reply)

not so sick, but lewd...
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
(celestie d'etoile, Thu 16 Feb 2006, 5:34, Reply)

What's the definition of blood brothers?
2 abortions in a bucket!
(MuddyFunster like my ex: no recent activity, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 22:16, Reply)

What's the difference...
between a pizza and a jew?


Pizza's don't scream when you put 'em in an oven.:-)
(MuddyFunster like my ex: no recent activity, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 22:13, Reply)

What is long and thick;
Red in parts;
Spongy and veiny,
And slips in tarts?


Rhubarb of course!

Well, that's all the secretion you're getting from this ol' sick gland!
(Benny A Last Nuclear meltdown:, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 21:51, Reply)

Sicko
a: What's better than raping babies?

b: I dunno..

a: Neither do I
__________________________

What do you do after you rape a girl thats deaf and dumb?

Break her fingers so she won't tell anyone
__________________________

What's funnier than raping a dead baby?

Raping a dead baby wearing a clown's costume
__________________________
(ggpurk, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 21:27, Reply)

I was a gay necrophiliac...
...until some rotten arsehole split on me.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 20:53, Reply)

Quite Sick 2 ( a variation..........)
What's Pink & Stiff in the morning?


A Cot Death.
(3T, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 17:59, Reply)

Quite sick
What's 12 inches long and makes women scream?

Cot Death.
(3-hoops, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 17:44, Reply)

For his birthday, I sent Stevie Wonder a cheese grater.....
...two days later he tells me that was the most violent book he's ever read
(tusk!0, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 16:03, Reply)

Did you hear about the thalidomyde pornstar?
He had an arm like a baby's cock
(tusk!0, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 15:59, Reply)

A little ditty....
Simple Simon met a pie-man going to the fair,
Said Simple Simon to the pie-man "De be de be dair"

That's one we made up back in 1981-ish! It seemed funny at the time.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 14:02, Reply)

BinDun?
Whats black and loud ?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.


I know what your thinking, not really good enough to count, but I was told this joke from my 6 year ond neice !
I pissed myself
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 13:25, Reply)

Grandma
What's the worst part about eating out your Grandmother?

Having the coffin lid keep hitting you in the head.
(DrSpyderX, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 12:13, Reply)

Yet another baby joke...
Why can't you fool an aborted foetus???


It wasn't born yesterday!
(markman, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 10:06, Reply)

Fruit!
What turns a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDs.
(bunneh, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 8:48, Reply)

Redneck Incest Joke
A Fella from Michigan sat down at the local bar next to a Redneck from Mississippi. After too many beers, the Michigan fella get the nerve to ask the redneck if it was true that everyone from Mississippi dates their own cousins. The Redneck says with contempt "that's a lie made up by people from the North just to poke fun at Southerners"! He continued "I've lived down south all of my life, and never once dated my cousin! Oh, I fucked her a few times...but I NEVER took her anywhere first"!
(JTsteelblu, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 4:46, Reply)