What's the worst place to spend Easter Weekend?
Nailed to the cross.

Why does Jesus hate M&M's?
They keep falling through his hands.

What do 1000 abused women have in common?
They just don't fucking listen!
(Brop, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:01, Reply)

What do sperm and asylum seekers have in common?
They arrive in their thousands, but only one of them ever works
(Borderline Schizo, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 23:00, Reply)

You've stolen my brain!!!
How do you get 50 babies into a bucket?
With a blender!
How do you get 50 babies out of a bucket again?
With Doritos!!!
(Zoinkid, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:58, Reply)

So a guy goes to the pharmacy,
And he says 'I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter'.
The pharmacist is shocked: 'Your daughter is sexually active at age 11??'
and the guy says 'nah, she just lies there like her mother'
(Borderline Schizo, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:58, Reply)

OK here we go
Bloke's walking along a cliff when he sees a 3 year old girl crying next to the edge. He approcahes her and says
Man: "what's up? Why are you crying?".
Girl: "My dad was playing fetch *sniff* with my dog when he threw the stick too close to the edge *sniff* and rex went over!"
M: "Oh God that's terrible! But where's your dad?"
G: "*sniff* he went to see what happened to rex but the cliff crumbled and he went over the edge *Sniff*"
M "Oh my god that's terrible, but what about your mum? Where's she"
G: "She ran over to stop my dad falling but he grabbed hold of her and she went over with him....and they're all dead and I don't know what to dooooooo..."

WIth that the man stood up, undid his fly and said:

"It's just not your day today is it..."
( Benny Tied To A Tree As much use as Anne Frank's drumkit, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:57, Reply)

How do you
get 500 babies in a phonebooth?

Use The Blender!!!

SORRY BOUT THAT
(99Luftballons, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:56, Reply)

Shipman...Scouse Hero - Part 2
Harold Shipman was writing a cover version of the old Beatles tune "Ticket to Ride" before his untimely death....retitled " He kills grannies in Hyde...He kills grannies in Hy-hy-Hyde..he kills Grannies in Hyde and we don't care"....
(foxystoat, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:55, Reply)

A biotechnologist created a transgenic apple.
He was amazed at the results of his research, he decided to anounce it to the whole world.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I came here to present you a wonder of biological sciences. This is a transgenic apple. It looks like an ordinary apple, but it is not. This is an apple that tastes of cunt."

The congressists and reporters were puzzled. The scientist asked one of them to come to the stage and bite his apple. The reporter bit it, and said:

"Holy fuck, it tastes like shit!"

To what the scientist replied:

"Turn it around, buddy."
(Monocromatico Lady Godiva's horse, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:48, Reply)

What's pink and smells of ginger?
.....Fred Astaire's fingers
(Charlie Baked Potato, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:47, Reply)

NEWSFLASH!!!!
In the south of America an old english sheep dog has been found tied to a burning cross.


sources say the Dulux clan have claimed responsibility
( Plomien is Polish for flame, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:42, Reply)

Can't be bothered to check to see if this has been done.
Three men sitting in a pub having a drink and a chat, before long the conversation turns to masturbation. One chap pipes up and says 'We all like a good tug everynow and then, but when your fwapping away what do you do with your spare hand? , I'm usually holding a porno mag and frantically turn the pages past all the interviews etc.'


The second chap replies ' I'm usually holding the video remote, you known, pausing/rewinding a good porn movie.'

The third chap says ' I'm usually holding a wet
sponge.
' A WET SPONGE ??' the other two chaps reply.


to which hes says, 'Yeah, Im usually bathing the kids at the time.'
( Chumfatty, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:34, Reply)

Wonder
Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?. Courderoy.
(Dizzy Bob loves nuts, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:34, Reply)

Petals
A man and a woman had three daughters. One day they were curious as to how they got their names.
The first daughter came up and asked "Mummy, why am I called Rose?"
Her mother replied "Well, when you were born a rose petal fell on your head and so we decided to call you Rose."
Then the second daughter came up and asked "Daddy, why am I called Lily?"
Her father replied "Well, when you were born a lily petal fell on your head and so we decided to call you Lily."
Then the third daughter came up and asked "Mmmmnnngh mgh nnngrgh?"
To which her parents replied "Oh, shut up Wardrobe."
(sanity challenged, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:23, Reply)

chav girl in a car crash
when the ambulance arrives, the doctor says to her "how many fingers am I holding up?"
Chav girl replies "Fuck! I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:23, Reply)

Babies are popular
Whats pink and orange and lies at the bottom of a pool: a baby with burst armbands

Whats Blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a pool: a drowed baby with burst armbands

Whats red and orange and lies at the bottom of a pool: a skinned baby with burst armbands
(morbi5, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:18, Reply)

What was the last thing to go
through the heads of the office workers on the 84th floor of the world trade centre?

Th 85th floor.

(sorry)
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:17, Reply)

2 paedos on a park bench
A ten year old girl walks past. One paedo says "I bet she was nice when she was younger."

Guy goes to shoe shop, walks upto the manager and says "I dont care how much they are, I'm after your best shoes possible." The female sales assistant goes "Right this way.." and leads him over to a new collection in the corner of the store.
She asks his size, then passes him a shoe. "This is a new range, of sparkling white human leather shows, all totally legit and imported from Africa. Please, try them on." He's sceptical, but tries them on.
"Blimey, these are the most comfy shoes I have ever worn. How much?"
"£2000 sir for those ones."
"Christ, I can't afford that sorry, these shoes are amazing, but no."
"That's ok sir, we got them in black for a fiver."

What do you get if you cross a black-man with an octopus? Nothing much, but by fuck it can't half pick cotton.

What's the diff between a black-man and a bike? A bike doesn't sing "Old Man River" when you put the chain on it.

/not racist at all liek
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:17, Reply)

OK...Last three
Three prostitutes were sitting at the bar. The first one said "I can get THREE whole fingers in me!" The second one said "I can get a whole FIST in me!" The third one simply laughed as she slid down the barstool! =S

Two women decided on a sucicide pact, and jumped of a building. Number one landed on the road and it took two days to clean the mess. Number two landed on the lamppost, and it took to weeks to get the smile off her face!

A woman died and went to heavan, where she was given a set of wings. "And my halo?" she demanded of St Peter. "Sorry luv, but you don't get one of those until you've been here 10 years!" The woman scanned the angels ahead of her, and suddenly she noticed something. Pointing she said "So how come Princess Dianna has one then?" and St Pete whisperd "Thats the steering wheel!"
( owain2002, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:14, Reply)

How do you know when the vegitables are boiled?
The wheelchairs float to the top.

/Sorry
( owain2002, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:03, Reply)

ho ho ho
Gary Glitter goes upto Michael Jackson and asks "Can you change a ten for 2 fives?"

Why go German Shower caps have eleven holes in the head?
Cos Jews only got ten fingers.

/hull
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:01, Reply)

whoops
whats the difference between lust, love and showing off?

spitting, swallowing and gargaling
(Wibbly Pig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:01, Reply)

Jews
the other day, i was walking in the park and i saw a guy who looked exactly like hitler! so i went up to him and said, "excuse me sir, you probably hear this all the time, but you look like adolf hitler!" and he said to me "that's right, m'dear. i'm back." and i said "why are you back? you already executed 3 million jews and continue to have chapters of followers?" and he said "i've come back to kill six million jews and 2 clowns" so i asked him "why the two clowns?" and he said "SEE! NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE JEWS!"
( [Coo] is one of the Originals.., Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:00, Reply)

Two paedos are discussing their girlfriends.
The first one says "My girlfriend's seven years old. What about yours?"

The second one says "Well, my girlfriend's ten... but she fucks like a five year old."
(seanfish, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:00, Reply)

What's black and blue and hates sex?
A rape victim.
(Chuckman, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 22:00, Reply)

What's green and smells of bacon?
Kermit's finger.
(seanfish, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:59, Reply)

last one promise!
why does mike tyson cry after sex?

cause hes got mace in his eyes
(Wibbly Pig, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:58, Reply)