My first smoke was a spliff
I'd gotten extremely drunk the night before, and ended up playing rugby with some friends - on a bowling green (sorry Torquay bowling club!) with a beer bottle. This had trashed my clothes quite badly, and I was going straight on to another mates house., so I went to buy some clothes. In my still-drunk-from-the-night-before state, I went into a hippy shop and bought myself a pair of huge colourful trousers, a funky waistcoat(!) and a bandana with pretty leaves in red, green and gold. I looked so ridiculous that children laughed as I walked past them in the street.

In my new togs, I then went to see my other mate.I was sitting in his kitchen when his ma walked in and asked me if I realised that I had a cannabis leaf bandana on... We laughed, and then my friend said "so.. do you want a smoke then?" and that was it. My next year or two were spent pretty much permanently stoned.
(teasus likes tea, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:06, 1 reply)

Teenaged rebellion.
You know how it is when you're young and you go through that phase when you think smoking's cool? Did anyone else go through a phase when they thought it was cool not to smoke (as opposed to 'not cool to smoke' if you know what I mean)?

Aged 14, I decided to rebell against my peers and not smoke. I had never smoked by then and decided once and for all I wasn't going to do it. I was a bit of a nerd back at school so I'm not sure if anyone noticed my silent act of sticking it to the man (or boy as it was back then).
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:57, Reply)

Smug !
Because I had my last cigarette exactly 60 days ago !!

Yay

Edit to add: Length of the QOTW - 7 days too long.
(Biff..., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:53, 4 replies)

Good old NHS
I've just been to the hospital. In my guise as a healthy and environmentally caring person I rode in on my bike and the only place to lock it up is some railings near the entrance.

Railings can be fiddly things to lock bikes to so I had to spend 5 minutes doing it while in a cloud of cigarette smoke from patients in gowns and wheelchairs looking like they were at deaths door (wonder why...) This was despite many (bilingual) signs saying "do not smoke here". The worst thing was, you couldn't get to the entrance doors because they were standing/sitting around them, Grange Hill school bully style.
On the way back I noticed where I had locked my bike wasn't a nice gravelled area as previously thought, it was a bed of cigarette butts.

Oh well, if they are at deaths door I suppose they're allowed one last drag before they go.
( thistle, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:46, Reply)

Cigarettes? YUCK!
I never tried and I will never try one... Cigarettes are poison for the lungs and makes your breath horrible! Because of that, smoking on public places in Portugal is ilegal and the smokers have to go outside so the non-smokers don't breed the smoke... If at least smokers coud read well the warnings in the cigarettes boxes...

PS: I'm from Portugal :P
(Deltikon Your mouth is round for a reson >:], Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:42, 2 replies)

Never had one
Never will
(IcantLive Needs sleep, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:04, 1 reply)

not smoking
I was watching Highlander at the weekend and I was thinking about the immortality thing. They bleed, right? So if you cut off all of their arms and legs and burned them, and then if you did the same for their internal organs - would they still be alive? And Connor MacCloud breathes, but when he's in the loch his lungs are presumably full of water, so why does he breathe at all if he doesn't need oxygen.

And why don't they all just wear a steel neck brace so that it's impossible to cut their heads off?
(frankspencer, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 11:00, 34 replies)

Talking of smoking
Has anyone tried one of those electric fags that don't produce any smoke? I'm intrigued.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 10:04, 107 replies)

Smoking...
I used to sniff my grandfather's ashtray and purposely breathe in all his smoke while he did it. I was 6...

However, now I can't stand the stuff...
(satellite blows, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 9:29, Reply)

I once had an old Vauxhall that was full of explosives.
That was my first Rigged Chevette.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 9:27, Reply)

Mixed Cigarette
I had my first cigarette whilst making a mix tape. Ive done it again since, and its become a bit of a guilty pleasure. Once I put some weed in it, so I guess I witnessed my own crime there. That cigarette killed me and my dead body was found next to the stereo. Damn Karma.

Oh its all so exciting isn't it?!!!!! Why? Because its Thursday!
(Miggyman, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 7:31, Reply)

Stopping smoking.
Ive just tried..

My first nicorette!

(sorry if bindun)
(Miggyman, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 7:27, Reply)

So there I was...
I don't smoke. Never liked it, had a minor nicotine addiction as a child thanks to my dad's habit (after he quit, I found myself standing downwind of smokers, enjoying the scent). Moderate asthma gave me an insight into what it might be like to have awful lung ailments.

However.

It was December, 1992, school was finished for good, and along with a group of friends we rented a holiday house close to the beach for about a week. Being in the southern hemisphere, this meant it was warm and sunny, of course.

Much drinking was done by all, and on the second night or so I was sitting happily in the crappy 70's style kitchen, admiring the slices of awful orange processed cheese that we had managed to stick to the ceiling. The funky meat cleaver we had found in the drawer was half buried in the kitchen table. I had earlier blown a hole in the flywire door (yes, metal mesh DOES burn when you blast it with a fly spray flamethrower).

Amazingly, we got our security deposit back at the end of the stay, thanks to a day of plastering, mesh replacement and wood putty.

But I digress.

As I said, I have never smoked, and never really liked it, but I was happily drunk and in a more accepting frame of mind. `Why not just try it?' I wondered, and accepted a smoke from my friend.

I sucked that smoke down like it was some sort of competition. I felt pretty good! Kind of weird, too, a bit light headed! Look at me, the big smokin' man! I wasn't completely gone, but certainly too far gone to refuse the second fucking cigarette my fucking friend offered me. Fucker.

By the time I was done with it, I was DONE. I sat in the chair for about a thousand years, reeling. Everyone else finally headed to bed.

`Are you okay?'
`Mm.'
`Did you smoke both of those?'
`Mm'.
`I'm off to bed'
`Mm'

I stared at the ground for another thousand years. My head felt horribly light, my skin felt clammy. I felt almost entirely disconnected from my senses, but somewhere in my head an alarm was going off.

I knew with crystal clarity that if I stood up, I was going to puke. With this knowledge, I did the only thing I could - I stayed in the chair and puuuuuuuked.

So long alcohol, farewell hamburger, adieu, greasy chips. All fell from my gaping maw like a tsunami of bad food and butyric acid.

Within seconds I felt fine. Not just fine, but GREAT! I was awake, I was sober, the awful feelings coursing through me mere moments ago were now slopped across the floor, externalised.

I found the most ridiculously shitty mop I've ever seen, and pushed the pile of goo around the floor until it was all gone. Being my own puke, it didn't worry me at all.

I woke up early the next morning, sober and hungry. Was it a positive experience? Well, it was an educational experience, and that's really all that matters in this case I guess.

Now, I have had alcohol more than once, and it doesn't make me sick. I've smoked tobacco again since, it was mixed with some other smokeables, and I ended up dry retching for 20 minutes.

Tobacco = my stomach's worst enemy.
(Tomble Underground, overground, Tombling free., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 6:49, Reply)

I was on a nice message board
had been there for a while. Started to fit in, and then i made myself a little picture to go after my messages on the forum.

That was my first cig.
(Kierz, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 4:13, 2 replies)

Apologies in advance :o/
Two dyslexics went on a ski-ing holiday together.
Both had DONE IT before, both were also a bit rusty.
Standing at the top of the ski slope, all kitted up and raring to go, they paused and stared at eachother.
Tom says, "Do you know, I can't remember the right way to proceed - does it go zig-zag, zig zag, or zag-zig, zag-zig?"
Jim replies, "Why bless me! I'm buggered if I can recall either.......
In fact the more I think of it the more flumoxed I'm becoming."

"There's a bloke just down the slope", says Tom, "we could edge down sideways and ask him!"
"It's a cunning plan", says Jim, and off they teetered with precaution.

"Excuse us," asks Tom politely, "This might sound a bit daft, but could you tell us if the best way to start off down the slope is to zig-zag or zag-zig?"

"Eh???? Don't ask me, fellas - I'm a tobogganist"




"Oooooh, spendid indeed! Can I have 20 Benson & Hedges please?"

No offence intended by the way - I'm a stutterer myself xxx
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 23:32, 17 replies)

a few years ago...
Most Haunted were going round my Grandparents old Farm house as it was supposodly haunted (which to my mind was bullshit but anyway...)

they'd been persuaded by the local village historian who got his 5 miuntes of fame, anyway upstairs in a little cupboard in the attic was where I used to hide to have a crafty smoke as I sat there I could hear them coming, so thought I'd have a laugh, so as they rounded the corner I jumped out going rarrrrrghhh!!

and that ladies and gentlemen was the my first scare-yvette...


(apologies but if you can't beat 'em)
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 21:39, Reply)

Not a shitty pun
Want a story that's on topic? Had enough of crap puns?

Alright *rolls up sleeves*

Well, I started smoking at the tender age of 13 - my parents were dead against it at the time (still are), so, like many underage smokers I had to come up with inventive ways to have a sly puff without raising suspicion. Luckily, we had a dog when I was younger, so for a time I must have seemed like the model child, always ready and eager to take Rocky for a walk.

The truth was, our 'walks' were really an excuse for me to stand in the fields beside our house smoking my little lungs out. A quick blast of Lynx and some chewing gum, and my crime was undetectable - after all, it's not like Rocky could grass me in, Lassie-style.

Of course, I wasn't quite the master criminal I thought - my comeuppance came one night, where, desperate for my illicit fag, I rushed out the door, calling to my parents that I was taking Rocky for his nightly walk...then returned 10 minutes later, lightly buzzing from the nicotine, to find my mother standing at the door, holding the dog on his lead. The dog I was supposed to be walking.

And that's one of the many reasons why I'd make a rubbish criminal
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 21:26, Reply)

My first cigarette
Was when I was on holiday in Portugal just after I lost my virginity.

Love Madelaine Mccann



(bindun??? sorry couldn't be bothered to trawl through the puns to find out)
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 21:14, Reply)

My unsuccessful exploits as a frost smuggler (warning: pun).
When I visited Vaalserberg with a rucksack full of frost, I was given a stop-and-search by the joint Dutch/German/Belgian border-guards on the look out for frost.

That was my vorst suche arrêt.

OK, can we have a rule that we can't post anymore puns unless they make use of at least three foreign languages?
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 20:25, 1 reply)

Ciggies and me.
It was weird how I gave up having smoked on and off for about 25 years (started with Marlboro Reds, lung-bleeders a friend called them, but moved on to the 'light' variety in the end.) I just stopped enjoying it, just like that. One day I liked it, though I'd never been more than a 'social/pissed' smoker and the next day I thought 'fuck me, that tastes foul.' So I stopped. Just like that. It never bothered me at all, and the last time I tasted one was when I lit one for a friend who was driving. I took a little drag and was reminded of how disgusting I'd eventually found it.

What's worrying me now is that my liking for a few pints seems to be heading the same way. I'm running out of vices to get rid of.

The smell of "yesterday's" cigarettes always reminds me of Christmases when I was a nipper, because Mum and Dad let relatives smoke in the house when they came to family parties. In the morning there was that distinctive smokey smell.

Ah me, those 70s Christmasses when we all wore highly flammable clothing yet never got set alight by stray fag ends.
(singingringingtree Living in the past., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 20:18, Reply)

An end to it....
To stop all this banter about smoking being ok.

I started smoking at the same time as my younger sister. She is roughly 4 years younger than me. I gave up smoking when I was about 27 and I am now nearly 43 but she has just turned 39 and still smokes.

Everyone, and I do mean everyone, who has met us for the first time thinks that she is the older sister.

That should put an end to it.
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 19:00, 14 replies)

I remember, walking through the deserts of Arabia
When suddenly, I came upon a building- like, but yet unlike, a pyramid. It had steps up the side, and was flat at the top. It was at that moment I realised I'd seen my first ziggurat.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 18:45, Reply)

Says a lot...
About the potential of a QOTW when it deteriorates into rowing about punnage.

For example, I was in the audience of Gladiators, and I managed to get a back-stage pass. I wandered into one of the changing-rooms and there was one of the lovely women flicking the bean as bold as brass!

That was my first experience with that frigger, Jet.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 18:26, 2 replies)

Never smoked a cigarette or done weed in my life
As such, even though pretty much all my friends are smokers, I'm still awfully naive when it comes to the topic (I only just recently learned the difference between a blunt and a spliff). I don't mind being around it at all, in fact the smell of cigarettes opens up some fond memories of my teenage years and the local scene. Also cigars remind me of my dad.

Anyway; a mate was redoing a scene from the movie "Grandma's Boy" for a film class, and I was Dante, the naked stoner... I had to pretend I was smoking, and naturally I wasn't going to actually do it, but my inability to make it look like I even knew what I was doing led to
a.) singing my eyebrow
b.) getting ash in my eye
c.) burning my bare stomach with ash
d.) singing the end of my hair (which is rather long)

So I'm a total fucking klutz with cigarettes, which is probably another to tack on to my list of reasons why I haven't smoked yet.



Might try shrooms this weekend though.
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 17:36, 7 replies)

Well...
Once I posted a silly pun in a boring QOTW and a huge bandwagon of craptastical puns followed in much the same manner as a tsunami of textual effluent.

So to get away from the horror of knowing what I have started I went to the local convenience store and bought a pack of Malboros, the first time I've ever even bought cigarettes, never mind smoke the cancersticks.

They're fucking vile, I don't know why you lot enjoy raping your lungs with these rolled up tubes of tar, drugs and cheap glue.

My first and last fag, thanks to me trying not to contribute in a QOTW. There's irony there, but I'm coughing so hard I can't fucking type it out.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 17:30, Reply)

One time when I was 17
I thought I'd try smoking a cigarette.

I suppose you could call it MY FIRST CIGARETTE
(I have a face also had a sig on, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 16:43, 2 replies)

Vomitgate
It was a balmy late summer evening in Coventry and I was living out my final year as a student in a house with my boyfriend, another bloke called Dave and Janet who I had become good friends with. Janet and I were on our dissertation and final project respectively and so had spent the evening making tea and cocktails whilst discussing our desperation to finish.

Dave had taken his new girlfriend out to the cinema and for some drinks after. He took her home and decided that it would be a great time to teach her how to inhale weed, as she hadn't been doing it properly before. now Dave is one of those who makes them strong, and this girl was little. after a trip to the kitchen, Janet and I decided that the girl was decidedly green. we had never seen someone go this green before!

fast forward half an hour, Janet and I are in the kitchen with her boyfriend having a chat, Dave, girlfriend and my boyfriend are in the living room (just off the kitchen) also having a chat. next thing we know, new girlfriend makes two thudding steps towards the kitchen before retching a popcorn cocktail all over the carpet just in the entrance between the living room and the kitchen.

a very akward silence followed punctuated by further retches and splatters. eventually the girl gains the sense to make it to the bathroom (through the kitchen) between retches.

Myself, Janet and her boyfriend were trapped!

eventually it was all cleaned up by Dave who muttered the immortal words "did you have sweetcorn for tea?" which sent us into the biggest fit of laughter yet!

needless to say, I don't think she'll be smoking any more.

little bitch never even apologised! and Dave sent her home straight after, if he wasn't going to get any, what's the point, right?

Slightly off topic, but a tale that needed to be told, and a day that will forever be known as 'Vomitgate'

be nice, I'm new
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Wed 26 Mar 2008, 16:38, 2 replies)

I was going to post something about smoking
but I found it a bit of a drag.

_{Apologies if it's bindun, but I couldn't be arsed checking. I'm a bit tired after my 4pm wank}
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 16:38, 1 reply)