Clarkie's Gay Beatles Songs
My mate Clarkie has devoted many childishly wonderful hours to altering the titles of Beatles songs so that they're, well, gay.
I give you:

A Hard Gay's Night
Eight Gays a Week
Gay stripper (Day Tripper)
A Gay in the Life
Shaft my Arse with Cream (Yellow Submarine)
Gaping Backsider (Paperback Writer)
Here Comes my Bum
Gay Nude (Hey Jude)
Love my Poo (Love me do)
Bum for your Life
Yes I'm Gay (Yesterday)
Stick it Inside (Ticket to ride)
I wanna hold your gland

I could go on. Can anyone add to these?
( BobbyParadise, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 11:52, Reply)

Minge?
Endless hours of physics lessons were spent rewriting The Sound Of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel. Well 10 minutes was spent rewriting it and endless hours were spent singing it. So here we go (and apologies for doing all the verses).

The Ginger Song
---------------
Hello Ginger my old friend,
I've come to die your hair again.
Because a carrot softly creeping
Left it's seeds while you were sleeping.
And the colour that was planted in your head
Was golden red
And your hair
Was ginger.

In restless dreams I walked alone
And we killed the ginger clones
'Neath the halo of a streetlamp
I saw your hair and thought you were a tramp
'Til my eyes were spared by the flash of a neon light
And I was right
Because your hair
Was ginger

And in the naked light I saw
That there were ten thousand more
People golden like the morning
People red like the sun dawning
And the ginger people were huddled in a little group
Like tomato soup
Because their hair was ginger.

Fool said I, you do not know
Ginger like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might reach you
Dye your hair I beseach you
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And you smell
Because your hair
Is ginger

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
Ginger hair is appalling
And the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
Let's kill 'em all
Because their hair
Is Ginger...

Oh dear...
(danshome, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 12:18, Reply)

Natasha b'DING-field
I must admit I appear to have misheard Natasha Bedingfield's lyrics quite substantially.

Apparently she's saying things like -
"Read some Byron, Shelly and Keats
Recited in over a Hip-Hop beat"

and
"Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you"

whereas everly time I listen I seem to hear-
"MUUUUH! I'M A FUCKING IMBECILE! BWUUUUUUUH!!
I'M TRULY, TRULY SHITE! DUUUUUUUUUUUHHH!!!!"

Must be my ears I guess. I am getting on a bit.


And her brother's a right cunt too.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Mon 31 Jan 2005, 10:46, Reply)

Fluff
Coming home from the pub, this is what Mr SF and I used to sing to our cat Pillow, to the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the cat
She is sitting where she always does upon the back door mat
She is purry and she's furry and she's smelly and she's fat
She's the best cat in the world.
Glory glory Pillowlujah, Glory glory Pillowlujah, Glory glory Pillowlujah
She's the best cat in the world.

Aaah.
( Safetyfox, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 16:55, Reply)

The Girlyworld Scrapbook
Me and my flatmates worked as quotemonkeys for an insurance company and would relieve the tedium by putting scraps of paper under the "victim's" nose whilst they were in full flow to a customer. Some of these notes involved changing the last line of well-known nursery rhymes. The best ones ended up in "The Girlyworld Scrapbook" (for some reason our squalid and freezing flat had been christened "Girlyworld"). Try holding it together on the phone when things like this are thrust into your face....

Round and round the garden
Like a teddy bear
One step, two step,
SHOW US YOUR BROWN EYE

Wee Willy Winkie runs through the town
Upstairs, downstairs,
WHAT A CUNT

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
SUCK MY BELL END

The days simply flew by. The scrapbook still exists, 13 years later, by the way.
( BobbyParadise, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 14:46, Reply)

[witty title]
[something stolen from kissthisguy.com]
( munkt0n, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 13:35, Reply)

Oh Granny!
Here's one from the old uni days to the tune of Tom Jones's Delilah.



I saw the white of her thighs as I pulled down her panties.
I saw the crystalline juice from last night on her pubes.
She was my Granny,
distended fanny and wasted fallopian tubes.

Chorus

Why, why, why, my Granny,
My, my, my, my Granny.
Eighty-four,
an octogenarian whore,
forgive me my Granny I just couldn't take any more.

Chomping away on my tool night and day I was happy.
With my meat in her gums she was content.
Then she got lockjaw,
I felt my hands round her throat and she sucked no more.

Chorus
(tribal_tiger, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 9:44, Reply)

I'm A Believer.
Market research suggests The Monkees would have been more famous today if they had sung these words to I'm a believer.

Clicky me!

Sorry about teh hideous amounts of out-of-synq-ness, I'll get there one day.
( Quijibo Esq. BSc. May contain traces of nuts, Thu 3 Feb 2005, 14:43, Reply)

when chumbawumba was still popular, i was quite young
my friend and i used to sing along going "pissing the night away! just pissing the niiiiiiiight away!" thinking that the actual lyrics were kissing the night away. we thought that we were hilarius.

i just recently learned that the song actually goes pissing the night away.

does it count if you think you're singing the wrong words but are actually singing the right ones?
(sponch!, Sun 30 Jan 2005, 8:53, Reply)

MC Hammer's Massive Testicles
My mate (yes, my MATE) used to reckon the words to MC Hammer's 'Can't touch this' went like this: Dum, du, du dum, d-dum dum , KING TESTES (as in plural of testicle).

So all the time he must have thought the baggy pants were to hide MC Hammer's massive bollocks.
(freshtonic, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 13:19, Reply)

The arse game
When travelling to distant gigs, our band plays a game in which you substitute one word in a song title with the word "arse". Points are scored for making the driver laugh so much he spills his beer...

Radiohead's The Bends works a real treat, producing such gems as:

Fake Plastic Arse
Black Arse
My Iron Arse

Beatles albums are also great (While My Arse Gently Weeps) , but it works for almost anything; Down in a Hole (Alice In Chains) becomes Down in Arse Hole. Genius.


A variation is to substitue the word "love" for "glove", and it magically becomes a kind of extreme fisting:

Glove Doesn't Have To Hurt To Feel Good
Tainted Glove
Glove Me Tender
How Deep Is Your Glove

No apologies for length 'cos you'll all be playing soon enough...
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Sun 30 Jan 2005, 22:48, Reply)

Generic solution
I always liked to sing along to popular songs, replacing the word 'love' with the word 'lunch' whenever it comes along.

For example:

"I would do anything for lunch" - meatloaf
"It must me lunch, lunch, lunch" - madness
"I know what lunch is" - celine dion

Further hilarity ensues by replacing the word 'baby' with 'gravy'.

e.g.: "Gravy you're the one", "I love you gravy", "ice, ice, gravy"

This comes together perfectly with "Baby Love" by Diana Ross & The Supremes.
( giblethead2000, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 12:32, Reply)

vanman
To the tune of Gary Glitter's "I'm the leader of the gang"

Do you wanna come in my van, my van, my van?
Do you wanna come in my van?
Oh yeah
I'm a peeedo, I'm a peeeeedo
I'm a pedo with a dirty van...

...etc.

Strangely - this version was dreamed up years before his accusations.

Funny old world.
( moonjam, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 22:16, Reply)

Rage Against Cleaning products
My cousin told me he was once in a nightclub where they were playing Rage Against The Machine. The guy in front of him was jumping up and down singing

You've got a bucket on your head
You got a bucket on your fucking head
(yesyesyes, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 14:08, Reply)

Eastenders Theme Tune
When we were at school, a mate of mine fell out with his mum. His revenge was to change the lyrics to the Eastenders theme tune. Only the fist line. It went:

Anyone can fuck my mum,
She's the biggest slag in Chellllll-aston


Even now I still occasionally find myself saying 'did anyone watch Anyone Can Fuck My Mum last night?'
(jimcrock, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 14:01, Reply)

My dad
manages to ruin many a brilliant song, one of my favourites being Groove Armada - At The River:

"If you're fond of sand dunes, and salty jizz..."
(Oily, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 12:12, Reply)

Oh the joys of Jesus Christ Superstar
School production. Choir of 30 ten year olds, with the alto section mostly singing:

"I closed my eyes"... I closed my eyes
"Pulled back the foreskin"... ahh-ooh-ahh
"And stuck my dick in"... aaahh-ahh
"It felt so good."

It went on, but I can't remember much more of the original, let alone our version.
( chthonic, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 12:01, Reply)

lords prayer
...give us this day our daily bread, and don't forget the chocolate spread.
(dukefukem, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 11:12, Reply)

Nelly Fartudo
I'm like a bird -
always in a mood.
(The Pink Strat Copy, Wed 2 Feb 2005, 10:38, Reply)

My dad didn't like this one
Decorate your father's belly (fa la la la la la la la la)
While he's sleeping by the telly(fa la la la la la la la la)
Jelly smeared in patterns festive (fa la la la la la la la la)
Makes a centrepiece suggestive (fa la la la la la la la la)

Coloured lights his belly wreathing (fa la la la la la la la la)
Blend so gaily with his breathing (fa la la la la la la la la)
Crowning all a star above it (fa la la la la la la la la)
Show the neighbours they will love it (fa la la la la la la la la)

If your dad begins to waken (fa la la la la la la la la)
Hide the tinsel covered bacon (fa la la la la la la la la)
Tell your dad he looks delicious (fa la la la la la la la la)
Run like hell, he might get vicious (fa la la la la la la... la... LAAAAAAAAAAA!)
(dragonrose, Mon 31 Jan 2005, 4:27, Reply)

alternative words to copa cobana
written for my friends hannah, how everyone thought was a man

His name has Ha-nn-ah
He was a chick-boy
With dried semen in his hair
And his bits tucked under there
He did sucky sucky, for ten dollar
He wore a gag, as he liked to holla
To him it wasn’t a chore, to be a dirty whore
he had many STD’s and his ass was sore

At the copa, copa-co hannah
Not feminine in any kind of manner
At the copa, copa-co hannnnnnah
Rope and some lashings will stop him from thrashing
At the copa, give it a shove.

Copa-co-hannah,

(trumpet)

Then now hannah
she’d had the sex change.
on the shelf behind the bar
she kept her penis in a jar
but all those hormones, they made her queasy
men all kept coming, as no one was so easy
And now she had a hole, she could meet her goal
Without even touching the sides, fuck a telegraph pole

At the copa, copa co hannah
To enter you’ll need a route planner
At the copa, copa co hannah
It is best if she sucks it, cos she’s like a bucket
At the copa, wear a glove

Middle 8 copa co hannah etc etc

And now she’s hannah
She works on helpdesk
Reminising of her tepid past
From the pain within her arse
And from her colleagues, there’s only one wish
Is that she shut her legs and rid the smell of fish
It did not work her plan, she’s changed from a man
And to top it off she’s a lesbi-an

At the copa, copa co hannah
Wearing dungerees and handy with a spanner
At the copa, copa co hannah
Go sailing on a barge, on her river of discharge
At the copa,, run away love!!
(starbrightboy, Sun 30 Jan 2005, 11:55, Reply)

yet another to the tune of my bonny lies over the ocean.
My one skin lies under my two skin.
My two skin lies under my three.
My three skin lies under my four skin
So peel back my four skin for me, for me.

Peel back,
Peel back
Peel back my four skin for me, for me.
Peel back,
Peel back
Oh peel back my four skin for me.
(randy the gnome, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 20:53, Reply)

Ooh remembered another
Apologies for the crude racist nature of this one but we were only little lads then. To the tune of Uptown Girl by Bill Joel

Uptown Wog
He's been living in a downtown bog
I bet he hasn't had a wash in years
Thats why he's got those funny coloured ears
Cos he's a black
(garrison, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 13:41, Reply)

Personally
I always thought that undecipherable line in Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight was "Cumming in Cheryl Baker"
(StupidWaterBison, Sat 29 Jan 2005, 9:51, Reply)

Smells Like Teen Spirit, surely
"Win a Lada, Mrs Davis". Not actually misheard, but told to me by a friend and never forgotten.

Oh, and I too would have loved a dance settee when I was younger.

and finally, while again it's not a misheard lyric, will people please stop having "All Things Bright And Beautiful" at their weddings. While I am in my 30's my sense of humour froze while in primary school and I always cry with suppressed laughter at "the purple headed mountain" bit.
(Throbbe, Fri 28 Jan 2005, 11:42, Reply)

The love/muff theory
I've found that 90% of songs with the word 'love' in the title are improved by the substitution of 'muff' for 'love'. Thus Take That's 'How Deep is Your Muff', Darkness' 'I Believe in a Thing Called Muff'
(pizzadeliveryninja, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 20:03, Reply)

My parents
. . .told me that when the ice cream van plays a jingle it means its run out of ice cream, but I couldn't hear them because I was wanking with my headphones on
(le renard, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 15:42, Reply)

not a missheard lyric, but a lovely song ruined by a mate...
In the bath by Lemon Jelly has a sample that says "what do you do in the bath?" a friend of mine, when he first heard it, gleefully said, in a broad Bristolian accent "generally I soaps me self up and 'as a wank!"

everytime I hear the song a horrible image looms unbidden into my poor head, bastard
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 15:16, Reply)

Stick it in my arse
Myself, my silly wife and some of our more peurile friends have taken to changing the lyrics to as many songs as possible to "stick it in my arse" for some reason.
A particularly good one to try it out on is "California Dreaming", as you can do the backing bits too.
For more advanced fun, try changing the "dubba dubba dum dum" bit of "Stop the Cavalry" (old Xmas song by Jonah Lewie) to:
"Stick it in my arsehole
Stick it in my arse
Stick it in my fucking arse
Stick it in my arse".....

It's great.
( BobbyParadise, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 14:11, Reply)

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
In primary school, we would anarchically sing "God rest ye geri mentalmen", employing a cunning spoonerism to imply that the men in question are a) mad, and b) geriactric.

Quite ingenious for a bunch of 9 year olds, I thought.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 13:16, Reply)