Two Pilled Up Students On Our Night Bus
. . .were congratulating each other on handing in a set of keys they'd found in a club

the conversation proceeds along these lines until one pipes up with "lee, have you got my keys?"

after five minutes frantically searching their pockets it dawns on them (and the rest of the bus)that they've handed in their own keys to security, and they were cheered as they got off the bus to head back and retrieve them

bless!
(le renard, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 14:46, Reply)

for the sensitive americans on the board
I doubt anybody is generalising about all Americans in the way you think they are - I don't get offended by all the chav piss-takes - and 75% of the UK is Chav! I've been about this place - they're bloody everywhere!

But, when all we see is fat, sweating, burger-mouthed Americans, firing off round after round of the moronic noise that they refer to as their "thoughts", whether on the tv screen or in some fast food restaurant in real life, it becomes difficult not to consider the fact that, yes, maybe quite a few Americans are in fact stupid.
(soma9766, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 14:39, Reply)

Hot off the press
Amazingly, as I read this thread I've just heard one of my work colleagues on the phone to his daughter say:

"Mummy couldn't get it up at all last night. You have to be careful or it can trap your fingers."

I earwigged the rest of the conversation but couldn't work out to what he was referring. Shudder.
(SneakyPete, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 14:37, Reply)

Yet another American tourist story...
While interrailing with friends in Europe a couple of years ago, we were climbing some stairs to get to the top of a chapel for the view of the city (I can't remember exactly where we were at the time). We were stuck behind a small group of American tourists, who were obviously struggling with all the exercise. About half way up one of them turns the others, and explains: "normally I'd have no problem, but the air is getting really thin up here". Since the city itself wasn't at any significant elevation, I can only assume he thought that this was because of the 40 or so steps that he'd climbed. Presumably he was suffering from full blown altitude sickness by the time he reached the top.
(Augustus DeWatt, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 14:33, Reply)

One fine morning...
I arrived at school, now I go to an all boys school thats co-ed in the 6th form so all the girlies have their own common room. I take a nice seat and proceed to do some homework for that day. There is a small crowd gathered around the sofa and one girl, lets call her "Kitty", is sharing in the regalement of a fabulous story to all her friends, needless to say I kept my ears pricked.
Now what had happened was "Kitty" had been round her then boyfriends house the night before and they were planning to indulge in a little mutual pleasure for the first time. The boyfriend whips it out and scares "Kitty" half to death, she pipes up into the story at this point at the top of her voice "now I know why thay call it the one eyed monster" apparrantly it was so big "Kitty" was too freaked out to stay in it's presence for longer than 15 minutes and ended up at her friends house soon after white and shaking. Another friend pipes up "At least we know why he walks so funny now".
Needless to say I had to bury my head in my history file and bite my lip till it bled to avoid breaking up into raucous laughter. I have to say I've never looked at George in quite the same way again.

apologies for length and being crap in written form
(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 14:28, Reply)

tramp on the bus
any people who know the Camden Sainsbury's should know this guy - he normally fills up a trolley with one item (oranges, baked beans etc.) and walks around the aisles for the whole day saying "the BEST of luck!" to everyone.

Anyway, during one of his not-quite-so-jolly moods, he started shouting at some man on the bus, as follows:

"I'm gonna phone up my gangsta bruvvers and get you killed man! They'll be here in 5 minutes!" (note: this man is about 60 years old and definitely does not own a phone, nor does he have any friends, judging by the lingering poo/wee smell he carries with him)

the other guy says "sorry? what are you talking about?"

the tramp waved his hand dismissively and just said, "nah nah nah, i don't care what you say mate, you're gonna DIE!"

"Fine! Kill me then! What do I care? I've got debts up to my fucking eyeballs!!"

the tramp clearly must have had his conscience tickled by this comment as he simply replied:

"don't worry mate, i ain't gonna kill ya, I was just messin araand"
(soma9766, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 14:22, Reply)

Adidas
I was once in the local Adidas factory outlet in Stockport (bear in mind you have to have an 'Adidas card' to get in and there are huge trefoils on the walls etc.) and I heard a bloke asking one of the staff 'Do you sell Nike?'
(ProperTop.com, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 14:09, Reply)

Cow orkers
A few months ago I was unfortunate enough to be temping in an office with some serious contenders for the "Most Deserving of Permanent Sterilization" awards.

There were many conversational gems to be heard, whether you wanted to or not - at times I'm sure they must have heard the noise from my grinding teeth.
The best exchange, in my opinion, went like this:

Fucktard 1:
"So, Rastafarians, right. Are they vegetarians?"

'tard 2:
"Urr, yeh - I fink so."

'tard 1 again:
"So how come they're allowed to smoke weed?".

Cheers. Incidentally, UK residents will be pleased to know that some of your taxes pay their wages.

As is traditional, apologies for the length.
(fogbat, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 14:00, Reply)

When I was fourteen, and so everything was potentially embarassing,
I came back to my dorm to find a workman mending my room-mate's bed, screwdriver in hand. She was also there. I opened the door and uttered the immortal line (who knows why I said it - it just came out!!) of "oh, are you screwing?!". Five minutes of toe-curling embarassment for all concerned and then I thought it might be better to go off and hide somewhere.....
(Hazy, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 14:00, Reply)

Americans
In my first week at university, smalltalk was rife. Everybody wanted to know what everybody else was studying. The American girl in my halls asked one guy what he was doing.

"Pharmacology"

"No way! I used to work on a farm!" replies the turd-brained cow
(soma9766, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:56, Reply)

I swear this is true ...
... 'cos I was there.

An outside table at the poshest restaurant in Bratislava. We are perusing the menu and overhear another British (note ... not Yank) couple at next table.

Her: What's venison? Is it cow or chicken?
Him: It's deer.
Her: I know it is, but is it cow or chicken?

Us: *snigger*
(Havelock, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:52, Reply)

Years ago at uni
we're made to go outside during lectures as some twunt had set the fire alarm off for a laff. One of the lecturers who wore a cravat was standing near our lot. One particularly stupid female student looked over at him and said, "I think men who wear carafes are dead sophisticated" Later she topped this by asking if the Pope was a catholic as she was "really sure" he was a Christian.
(Serendipity Long time, No see., Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:51, Reply)

A very amusing conversation between two guitarists
who were talking about whether they preferred using 2 fingers or four fingers
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:44, Reply)

Not me, my sister
She was passing by the receptionist desk at her work, and overheard this conversation.

"Uh-huh...uh-huh...uh-huh... let me transfer you to our mind-control department."

(Apparently some little old lady thought that hydro towers were controling her mind. WTF, mate?)
(dragonrose, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:44, Reply)

From a jock to his mate yesterday:
I'd take it up the ass with a strap on all night.


Nobody talks to him anymore.
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:43, Reply)

not something I overheard but..
something really stupid that i said that someone else overheard. my ex boyfriend and i both used to be bass guitarists.. he still is but i sold my bass. we were in Rose Morris on Denmark Street in the Bass section unsurprisingly with a load of mates. I saw a bass that had a rather thick neck but was a 4-string. Thinking I was being really clever started going on about how it looks like a 5-string, again and again. The clerk and my boyfriend were exchanging looks behind my back, rolling their eyes and trying not to laugh out loud. Needless to say, I felt incredibly stupid.
(jeaneye, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:43, Reply)

Too late to be used but what the hey
Whilst at University, I was round at my girlfriend's house waiting for her to get ready before we went out. Her house mate and her boyfriend had just disappeared into their room with a brand new Trivial Persuit game.

So there I was sitting in the lounge watching TV, when this voice boomed out from upstairs "No! You're wrong. Bend Over!", followed by a certain amount of grunting and moaning.

I shudder to think, but I suppose some people must find trivial pursuit hugely erotic.
( jonas is not my name, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:39, Reply)

Out of the mouths of babes...
Going southbound on the Jubilee Line, and a lady with her two-year-old daughter came onto the tube at Finchley Road. Now the names of Tube stations from there on in are really quite cute, whereupon the rather adorable 2-year old starts saying - 'Mummy - why is that Squish Cottage? Is it a Squishy Cottage?'

'No, dear - that's *Swiss* Cottage.'

'I think it should be called Squish.... St John's Wood? Who's John? And why does he have a wood? Does he like trees...? Baker Sweet...'

'That's *Street*, dear...'

'Where's the bread?'

They got off at Bond Street - but that sweet little conversation brought a smile to my face.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:33, Reply)

Overheard
I was standing in a queue waiting my turn and there is a little boy and his dad in front.

The kid is leaping about singing something, firing his imaginary gun whilst asking a million questions. His dad says 'Charles will you settle down and stop arsing about' to which Charles replys 'Daddy, I am a 6 year old child, it is my job to arse around.'
(smithsonian, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:26, Reply)

During a "drug hubbub" conversation
I was not present for this one but I can vouch for the verasity of the reporters.

During a "drug hubbub" conversation where everyone was blathering like a spaz over everyone else there was a lull where one voice stayed strong and clear for all to hear..

Let's call him James as his Mum and Dad did.

James was confused and troubled and wanted to know if "Cats actually have teeth?".
(skitster, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:20, Reply)

Pub Mongs
Overheard in a pub, two old men having an in-depth and passionate intellectual debate about whether it would be better to be blind or deaf.
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:19, Reply)

In dear old primary school
We were at the end of the day, and having a story read ( kids aged between 4 and 6). One of them goes to the bog, which was a room right by the classroom with a door between.
He started singing in a loud voice "he's got the whole world in his hands" (a crap hymn thing we sang.) But sang " he's got the WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO world in his hands etc.
Class cracked up laughing.
( Greenbat, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:18, Reply)

Shine On PJ Harvey Moon
Not sure if this is completely in keeping with the subject but I was at a PJ Harvey gig many years ago with two mates. The gig was at the Empire, Shepherds Bush and we were on the balcony so had to sit down. We did have a good view of the stage, though.

The PJ was tearing through, I think, "C'Mon Billy" from the then new album 'To Bring You My Love' and for that song she was dancing on a lightbox while wearing a red dress. A white thing kept flashing at me from under the dress while she danced and all of a sudden it occurred to me that she had 'gone commando’ for the gig, which I informed my pals of forthwith at a volume they could hear me at.

At the time, I wasn't all that familiar with PJ's new songs and just as I shouted "She's not wearing any pants” the song stopped and hundred of muso-heads swilled, as one, toward my direction.

Their eyes glinted in the darkness of the hall.
(skitster, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:14, Reply)

In Heathrow
tube station - stereotypical American tourist to ticket clerk - '2 to London please'
( barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:06, Reply)

Notes on the nature of ground beef
I was on a tram one night and heard a woman suddenly say to her companion in a surprised and indignant tone, "MINCE isn't a VEGETABLE!!!"

Nope, no idea.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:06, Reply)

Turner exhibition
Several years ago there was a major exhibition at the National Gallery of Victoria of the works of J. M. W. Turner. I overheard a woman who wouldn't have looked out of place backstage at a Motley Crue gig say "I don't like these. They're too stormy."

What I *wanted* to do was leap on her chest and scream "STOP BREATHING MY FUCKING OXYGEN YOU INBRED CNUT".
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 13:03, Reply)

Virgin Megastore in Basildon
I was in Virgin Megastore in Basildon a couple of months ago, and whilst I was perusing the CD's, a group of tracksuited youths came in. As they went past me, they passed the Aerosmith CDs, at which point one remarked to his mates:

"I really like Aerosmith"

Clearly in disbelief, his mates all said something along the lines of "You wot?", to which the first lad replies:

"Nah, it's cos, that Steve Tyler, he gave birth to Liv Tyler, innit"

I had to stifle a laugh at fear of getting stabbed.
(scoob668, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 12:57, Reply)

Back when
I worked with NASA I overheard Neil say the government had rented us a villa and whores in Mexico as we weren't going "god knows how many bloody miles away to freeze our tits off on some rock".
(Gerald the Curious Owl, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 12:49, Reply)

Walking back from the shops...
to hear one snobby guy say to another "So i said, look, i'm not gonna mess about but you've got a great set of tit's love".

Class guy's, real class.
(unwise monkey taster, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 12:48, Reply)