You people make me sick...
I once overheard that racism was disgusting, only to find it being morally acceptable if refering to Americans on a British board.

That was too easy

Like your mum
ahahahahahaha

apologies for general shitness
(lifelikeandposeable, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:29, Reply)

i got 2 for you.
1) my dad is walking along the thames, in the middle of american tourist season. anyhow, he sees 2 yankie knobs staring up with a map between them. one says "hmm... i wonder where the tower of london is...?", the other says "well, i guess it must be behind this big old castle..."

(for those of you that don't know, or haven't figured it out, the big old castle is the tower of london...)

2. this isn't so much overheard as heard in confusion. my older brother has a frend called pie-man. apparently when he tells jokes he gets past the first sentence and just shits himself laughing. he does, however, continue vainly to tell the joke, while laughing beer out of his nose.
anyway, one particularly hazy even', he begins to tell a joke, and everyone knows where it's going. they listen anyway, in the hope that they might figure it out. he giggle his way through, and no-one understands. however, when he gets to the end he says quite clearly (the immortal words):

"... so the bishop says to the doctor 'you can't do that with a spoon!'"

everyone promptly shits themself laughing, and pie-man marvels at the fact that he told a successful joke...
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:19, Reply)

Overheard in a Maidstone shoe shop
(Mum with a young son, talking to friend in shop)

Mum: "...Yeah we're going to see his dad later"

Son: "My dad's in prision!"

Mum: "Do you have to let everyone know!"
(Boss Mew Covfefe does not bargain...it only covfefes., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:18, Reply)

more trains
One early Monday morning (about 7am) I was on the two carriage bone rattler from Bristol to Southampton and it was completely packed. So, jammed by the window of a table seat I put my headphones in and dozed off. I was rudely awoken when my batteries died, deciding it would be too much effort to reach my bag and get some more I opted to drift back to sleep.

However, without the music I could clearly hear the whispered phone conversation of the man next to me.

"Barbara, if you had a penis, they wouldn't be in this mess..."

I'll never know if Barbara ever got her penis but in a way, I'm quite glad.
( moonjam, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:18, Reply)

Whilst in a chemistry lesson
we were always told to make sure the tripod thingies for the bunsen burners were cool before we put them away. A fellow class mate was threatening me with one as if it was still hot, just as the teacher walked in. I shouted "back off!" and the teacher must have only heard the "ck off" part, because he kinda went ballistic. The guy threatening me said "No, sir, he said 'back off' not 'f*ck off.'" As you can imagine the rest of the class collapsed in laughter, and we both got detention.

bastard.
(Rikaitch is full of crap ideas., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:11, Reply)

fat girl
A few years back I was living in a boarding house. In situations like this, you dont really get to choose your friends. You're friends with everyone because its easier than not getting on with them and living with them. Even if you cocking hate them.
We were all sat around watching tv, probably something quite boring. One of the characters on tv was very upset (i think his girlfriend had just died or broken up with him)and he was eating an apple. a friend of mine said something along the lines of 'how can he be eating when he's that upset?' to which i replied with 'i think its called comfort eating'
to all of our amazement, and enjoyment, the FAT and i mean obese girl in the room absentmindedly mutters 'yeah, comfort eating is the best thing in the world..'
it was one of those moments where you were afraid to look anyone in the eye, because you were on the brink of wetting yourself with laughter, and didnt want to be the first one to crack up. you could have cut the hysterical tension in the room with a knife.
(blubear, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:04, Reply)

lottery winner
YTS placement girl: "I had a dream last night that I was going to win the lottery
Elderly Office Cleaner: "What would you do if you don't win, but i do instead?"
YTS placement girl: thinks...... "I'd kick yer cunt"

Perhaps thats why theres been so many roll-overs recently, everyone's too scared to win
(lankygingerfool, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 18:50, Reply)

DIY JOBbi
i heard someone talking about all these people he'd shagged and how crap they were and then he said if anyone wants it done properly then they should do it themselves

he saw me and then went completely nuts and then sort of went red and started pleading with me not to tell his mates that he prefered good old hand sex to girls

more amusing at the time
(elasticanimal, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 18:44, Reply)

Those who cant teach... teach geography
Some people might know a Mr Fosh, from a certain northern High School. Anyway, whilst waiting for him to arrive his customary 20 minutes late for a sixth form geography lesson, I was engrossed in a conversation ona subject close to the heart of every 17 year old - toasters.

Mr Fosh walks in, nonchalantly as usual to overhear me (mid sentence) "..well I've got one that keeps it warm when it pops out...".

Priceless look on his face. Eyebrows nearly fell off.

If you know Mr Fosh, let me know, you can join my Mr Fosh Trauma Victims Club or something.
(monkeyatemyhomework, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 18:40, Reply)

Feature-66. Page the entire office...
A few years back the company I worked for was expanding faster than our office space permitted. Because of this all the sales team set up shop in a building about 300 yards down the road.

It had its own telephone system which was different to the one the sales team were used to but for the sake of internal communications it was linked through some ISDN system into our main switchboard.

Unfortunately for one of the sales guys he didn't appreciate that all the 'Feature codes' for the new system were subtly different to those in the old building...

Minding my own business one day having a nice cup of coffee at my desk I heard the 'bee-bee-beep' noise of the internal page system shortly followed by the sound of fumbling and background noise.

"Phwoarrr. Bloody Hell. Look at the knockers on her." A familiar voice was heard over the office page system. "I wouldn't mind giving her one... but she's a bit tall for me."

After metaphorically spitting my coffee all over my screen I managed to gather my composure enough to quickly dial the extension of one of his colleagues and the only thing I could blurt out was "[name withheld] is currently paging the entire building with his sexual fantasies. Hit him with a plank or something."

Shortly after that there was a muted "Oh Sh1t." as the paging system went silent.

Turns out he'd tried transfer the person to another line but the code he used was the equivalent of our Voice Tannoy code. Whilst he was waiting for the person he was transferring to to pick up he decided to talk to his colleague about some cutie who was walking past... Unfortuantely this went to the entire company. Senior Directors included.

I don't think any of us could get any work done for the rest of the day because we were laughing so much.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 18:38, Reply)

Odd thing, this coming up today
Earlier, I was on a bus going to some crappy thing with the school, and I decided to grab the phone out the pockets of the guy next to me, so I whipped it out expertly (can't say I've never done it before) and the first thing I know, he gets a text. Unwittingly, I opened the bloody thing and all it says is this:
'Its time 2 get fisical.'
I laughed all the way to Leicester.
(NPC, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 18:38, Reply)

In the zoo... (don't ask)
I distinctly heard a woman say, "He was 5 and she was 6 when they had their first baby.

On the same day, infront of the penguins a little kid said, "Can we go and see the real penguins now?" Dumb retard...

Not really on topic but the was also someone called "Aunte Sybal" Hehe.
(notar3alp3rs0n, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 18:36, Reply)

At the cinema
My family were at the cinema to watch the new Robin Hood film (the one with Kevin Costner). Sat behind us was the archetypal pain in the arse woman who had something to say every 15 frames or so. At the end of the film though she made it all worthwhile. She said to whoever she was with "Aaaahh, that was great! They don't make films like that any more."
(Cabwood, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 18:27, Reply)

Not exactly an overheard conversation, but similar
Whilst acquiring alcoholic beverages in a local supermarket about six months back, I saw a bloke in a suit, fairly well-to-do looking, pontificating at length into his mobile phone. He was trying his best to ignore all us other parasites and getting in everyone's way while this critical business call was transacted.

During the course of this, his phone rang. I couldn't help pointing at him and pissing up laughing.

He left the shop in a huff. Result.
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 18:22, Reply)

Stupid Tourists...
I was in New York once when a fat Brit walked up beside a nearby business-type and shouted "OI! WHY'S THAT CALLED THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?"

The businessman told him that it was named that because New York is nicknamed the Empire State.

His reply: "WELL THEN. I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS CALLED THAT BECAUSE YOU AMERICANS WANT AN EMPIRE!!" He then took a photo, and shuffled on his merry way.

The rest of us laughed at him for not having lived in the area for years and years and therefore not knowing the customs and local anecdotal trivia.

/He also had bad teeth, and when he left, I knew that my mother had left a cup of tea next to my bed because I heard the ice cream truck
//Thank God it seems that none of you have spent any length of time in NYC; you'd be too furious at the "stupidity" of the tourists to see straight.
(deilbfe6ogcshnbcryjh, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 18:09, Reply)

When coming out of a shop in Bellyfast
I hears 2 old chavettes saying "Oh here love, can we go, me eyelids are sweatin'"
"Oh aye, sure that's why I wear water-proof mascara!"
Oh how I laughed...
(Chiligrrl WHERE'S MAH DUBLOONS, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 18:09, Reply)

On the way to into waterloo
Roughly 6 months ago or so, a long while ago i know but it was memerable, I heard a cracking phone conversation. And so did the entire train I think (were you one such person? add to the thread if you were, id love to know if you remember more of it!).

The reason everyone heard it was that the driver or guard was the conversing party. He had either left the tanoy on, or the phone was interfering with it. It was braodcast to every man women and child, complete with language that would make a sailor's ears bleed...

"he hasnt f'ing sorted it yet! Its been f'ing weeks! I phoned him this morning, he was being a right cock about it all"

Understandably the responses from my carrage ranged from outright laughter from yougsters, including myself, to red faces, to utter repulsion from outraged octegenarians.

It lasted all the way from Ealsfield to Waterloo, and he said "cnut" just outside Clap junc.
(mentalist, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 18:08, Reply)

Not heard by me
But about me...
My birthday party, 17th if you must know, I had a group of very drunk mates round. My parents had just got in after a night out and were safely tucked up in bed. All is fine and dandy. At some point, my mate Jamie goes off to phone some girl he's been trying to pull for ages, poor lad. Fast forward a couple of days and I discover he's chosen to hold this conversation sat on the stairs right outside my parents' bedroom. Loudly. He utters something along the lines of:
"Yeah, I'm at Laura's party - you know, the bird who's going out with my mate Colin. Yeah, the ones who are shagging all the time. I think they're at it now, I'm trying not to listen..."
(For the record, we weren't - it was all I could do not to throttle him the next time I saw him after imagining the mortified look on my mum and dad's faces)
( useful_idiot, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 18:01, Reply)

Yankee Wankers and other dimwits
Overheard by my father after my sister had successfully negotiated buying an icecream from a vendor in a mall in LA. This had already included multiple questions on cone, flavour, extras, money handover and thanks
Seppo "So, Like, where are you like, from?"
Sister "Australia"
Seppo "Wow man, Like with the Kangaroo's? I thought you were from Idaho cause you speak funny."
Sister "Nope, I live in Australia, but I was born in England"
Seppo (As slowly and as loudly as a football fan ordering food in a Spanish restaurant) "WELL I HOPE YOU ENJOY BEING IN OUR COUNTRY THANK YOU FOR COMING" *makes broad including everything in america hand gestures*
IceCream girl was then finally overheard saying 'I hope she understood me'. Even when they are nice, they are pointless.

Also heard argument between 1st generation Greek and Vietnamese immigrant girls in a park in Canberra. Both groups, in broad AussieChav accents were advising the other to 'go back where you came from gook/wog bitches'. They were being observed by a rather dishevelled and hard done by Aboriginal.

Length is important, but girth is apparently a greater source of satisfaction.
(I am the infinite monkey!, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 17:49, Reply)

Unfortunate nickname...
A few *ahem* years ago when I was still at school. One Taggart family of brothers all ended up with the nickname "shags". Not as fortunate as you might think, it turns out.

We were heading downstairs for lunch in the common room, and me and my mate passed a bunch of younger lads heading the other way. When we overheard the following two words:

"Shags's brother".

Bet he loved being called that. I nearly urinated meself.
(finassy, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 17:44, Reply)

Some of these...
Seem to be 'traditional' eavesdrops and I can't bring myself to voting for any of the tourist yank ones with all my cringing.

A game me and my sister play is that if we are ever walking through a crowded area (especially with old people around) spout round after round of confusing two-liners to punish any nosey-parkers.

eg/
'So why wouldn't the elephant join the band?'
'Cos he broke his kettle drums.'

'And then the thing decided it would dance itself to death.'
'You have to go somehow.'

'That monkey ate all my custard last summer.'
'At least they don't touch the gravy.'
(Chom, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 17:31, Reply)

.
Whilst walking back from a club on a cold december evening, three chav's/tart's were crossing the road opposite me when the largest of the few eye'd my rather loose fitting fleece/coat and said:
Tart: "Cor, I wouldn't mind borrowing that coat"
I couldnt help myself, looked that fat lass up and down and said "nah, wouldnt fit you love"
( timothy claypole, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 17:25, Reply)

not someone else
but me, sadly, being overheard by all my little classmates.

I can't remember how old I was at the time... not very, though. Ghostbusters had just been released and I was excitely quoting lines with another friend who'd seen it.

Cue one of those moments when everyone goes quiet randomly and I carry on talking at my previous volume.

Me: "I like her because she sleeps above the sheets."*

Everyone else: "OOOOoooooOOOOOooooh!"

*somewhat spoilt by not being able to remember the quote properly, but there you go.


This was on a school trip somewhere... Swanage I think. We were there for a week. That same night, at the hotel shortly after lights out, me and my mate are up to no good again. This time we're quoting pop songs at each other.

Teacher's doing the rounds, and gets to our door just in time to hear me giving a fine rendition of "R-r-rock me Amadeus!"

Ah youth. Eh? Eh? No? Oh...

ps: no apologies for length. exercise yer readin' muscles yer lazy sods.
( frunt It's been a while..., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 17:24, Reply)

muppet father
A mate of mine has two young children (7 & 9). Walking past their room one night he overheard them discussing how much they really didn't like "Pakis". Being a good egg, he was obviously horrified and stormed in to berate them for their use of racist language, giving a good half-hour lecture on the wrongs of stereotyping and how "we're all Jock Thompson's bairn's" etc...only when he'd finished his fatherly rant did one of his girls manage to get a tearfull word in. "But dad, we were only talking about packed lunches at school".
That'll teach 'em.
(Chillumm, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 17:15, Reply)

The Innocence of Humanity
Only today i over heard a group of 12 yr old girls chatting away about some guy as i passed. I did hear much, but it went like this:

A: I like him, but i know *random girl* likes him too, and i couldnt do that to her.
B: Who cares, shes ugly... *the rest inaudible*

How kind

Also i was bag packing at the Bridge of Dee Asda in Aberdeen last December, and i would guess that the average shopper there earns a considerable ammount less than thos at the much nicer Sainsburys over the road. Anyway, being near Christmas, we all wore tacky Christmasy things, and one of the girls came in a rather revealing santa suit style short skirt (try saying that 3 times quickly). As she walked passed i heard some old guy in the til next to me say "Cor, wouldnt mind her coming down my chimney!" Barely controlled my luaghter after that. Double meaning there perhaps? Hmm.
(Graz Da Frog, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 17:15, Reply)

The Yank Effect
brothers and sisters..assorted brethren...mother....in anecdotal moments such as these, something comes to the fore

something so glaringly obvious that action must be taken to safe guard the survival of the human race

its time to take out the' brighty coloured plastic Yankee gnome' from the 'garden of humanity' - next to the 'frog pond of intolerance' (near the 'sprinklers of restraint')

I suggest closing down all outlets of Mc Donalds and Burger king- they'll be starved to death in 2 weeks

who's with ME!

HURRAH!
(willtheyorwon'tthey, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 17:13, Reply)

posted this before the in "put your foot in it" thing...
...but I love the story so much. My friend had just
discovered his ruler had gone missing when
the class suddenly went quiet just as he yelled
"GIVE IT BACK OR I'LL CRAP IN YOUR BED!!!!"

I couldn't stop laughing for a good 5 minutes.
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 17:10, Reply)

Overheard on a ferry boat in the Bahamas
Two corpulent Americans are burbling away to each other. One has obviously just disembarked from the garish Disney cruise ship anchored nearby. He is enthusing about how the cruise is made more enjoyable by having Disney characters mingling with the ship's passengers etc. Cue the following dialogue:

Corpulent American #1: They also did a production of "The Lion King."
Corpulent American #2: Did that have real lions?
Corpulent American #1: Err...no.

This summed up a glorious mental image of the sort of people who go on Disney cruises fleeing in claustrophobic ship-bound terror from a ferocious rampaging carnivore. Made the journey pass....
( drdavej, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 17:09, Reply)

Glastonbury 2003...
...Watching the Flaming Lips and during a particularly quiet bit, someone shouts out from behind my mate and me:

"Get your cock out!"

Had the surrounding twenty or so people in hysterics.
(Ally_Baby, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:59, Reply)

Top media tip
overheard (last year though - so careful with your pitches) on a train, spoken by two people that were heading for the bbc.

'oooh yes, history is marvellous right now. It's the new gardening'

sigh.
( pep, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 16:58, Reply)