Starman
Y'know those 'pooter generated animated clips on sciencey-astronomy type programs? We're talking amazing close up images of planets, stars an' shit, taken by some imaginary craft that must be travelling at unimaginable speed and with a breathtaking lack of vibration to take crisp pictures of these heavenly bodies as they do their thing in the vastness of space. Their movements and rotations are also sped up to such a degree to maintain a level of interest in the dumbed-down masses that watch the program in question.

It was a particularly dull Horizon I believe, around five years ago and a colleague (a PhD no less) remarked during a packed tea break how the 'footage of all the planets and stars was amazing and must have required some amazing technology to gather all those pictures in space'.

This was a guy that also attempted to mark down an opposite team during a company quiz night for having 'Arkansas' as their answer. This was indeed the correct answer but when the quizmaster read out 'ArkanSAW' he unbelievably shouted out 'This lot have only got ArkanSAS here'. Priceless.
(mersault, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 13:18, 7 replies)

Who is this Bromkin?
I work in a sales office. Whenever you get a deal in you have to bang a big Rank esque gong. It’s a tad embarrassing.

One of the lads in the office, who we’ll call Bromkin to protect his identity, was under a load of pressure to hit his target. In fact he was on performance review and if he didn’t get to his target he was gonna get sacked. It got to the last day of the month and he needed one more deal……it got to 5.25 and he miraculously got a deal in. Everyone was cheering for him, high fiving him as he proudly strutted towards the gong. He picked up the stick, swung back his arm and with all of his might struck out and completely missed the 4 ft high gong. The whole office broke into tears of laughter.

To this day, whenever I’m feeling down, I think of that moment and smile. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen (except for when my Mrs accidentally electrocuted a pig…..which is another story).
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 13:12, 14 replies)

A lad who got sacked
from Safeway for stealing, when I used to stack shelves on a weekend.

He nicked half a roast chicken and some bread, which is in itself a bit silly, and then sat and ate it IN THE BREAK ROOM, WITH THE STORE MANAGER.

'Where did you get that from, Chris?'
'Shop floor...'
'Did you pay for it?'
'Er... I was going to pay for it later.'

Wazzock.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:47, 5 replies)

I'm afraid
I don't have a answer to this week's QOTW. See you next week

Regards
Stephen Hawking
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:36, 13 replies)

Lady Limpsalot
My colleague told me she had been given some solid inserts for her shoes to help with her fallen arches.

As she was changing out of her work heels for the walk home she was complaining that the inserts were so uncomfortable that she'd had to limp in that morning. She was shoving the inserts into her trainers and said "Look! I don't even know how they're supposed to fit!"

I took one glance and suggested that the bit she was trying to shove into the toe of the shoe might actually be designed for the heel - it was slimmer, rounded at the end and, to my eyes at least, shaped like a heel.

I still can't quite understand how she managed to make it to work with them in the wrong way round. It must have been like having a electric plug in each of her shoes!
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:31, Reply)

When I worked in a sheltered workshop
for the mentally handicapped, there was one guy who was incredibly intelligent and insightful.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 11:00, 5 replies)

bad parking
My mate was a bus driver in the 90s (I've mentioned him in an erstwhile QOTW). His supervisor was a thick twat who couldn't get it into his head that you couldn't park your car in the bus garage even though he'd been told by the drivers that it was in the way and also dangerous.

He finally got the message when my mate 'accidentally' reversed a bus over it. He couldn't do anything about it either because after a brief investigation, the management said it was his own fault for constantly leaving it there.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 10:40, Reply)

I used to
work in a record shop with a guy called Dan. Obviously he wasn't happy with the pittance of a wage he used to recieve, so decided to start nicking shit. He got caught and was promptly known as Steely Dan from that day forward.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 9:32, 10 replies)

Noshers Cortina
Nosher lost his front teeth on a previous job delivering beds, he had to catch the bed as the other guy rocked it off the truck, but instead he had given a pretty girl a Phroar, and turned back just in time to catch a double divan with his face.
But this isn't about that, it's about his Cortina.
He turned up one day with a car stereo and speakers, and set about fitting them into his car at lunchtime, using kettle flex for wire and a Stanley knife to mutilate the doors.
Except he placed the speakers in such a way as he could no longer open the front windows, he had to take the screw out the window winder so he could wind a little, remove it, replace it, wind a little...
"I weren't finking" he said in his defence.
Some time later, I had an accident at work and had to be taken to hospital by Nosher. On the way back, to my absolute horror, he came off the road, mounted the pavement and at the last second swerved to narrowly avoid hitting the policeman he was driving towards. The policeman bent down and, fully expecting to be nicked by proxy, I wound down the window (we weren't in the Cortina).
Nosher leant over with a big grin and said "orright dad!"

And indeed it was his dad. At least, he didn't deny it.
I would have.
(Stopitnowplease, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 9:27, 1 reply)

As a matter of fax
When at school I was a bit lazy when it came to work experience time and instead of applying for my own placement I let the school do it for me. As a result when my classmates had exciting placements like a week with the ferrari F1 team (which my best mate did) I was sent to the administration office for a distribution company with Michelle from my class.
One day I was sent to send a fax (this was back in the heady days when everything was done on paper) and found Michelle at the fax machine looking confused.
Being the helpful sort I am I offered to help her and demonstrated how to use this new fangled gadget.
"Look" said I "you put the document in the top here, type the number in here and press the green button here"
"Yeah I tried thet like 10 times, but it's not working" said she
After a short time of spectrum loading noises the fax went through.
"there you go,"said I "it's working now, job done"
At this point she lifted the document which was to be sent and said

"But it's still here"

She had sent the same document 10 times because she thought the original document was somehow dematerialised and transported down the phoneline to rematerialise on the other end.

Priceless
(Figmaus, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 8:56, 2 replies)

My mate, with whom I often worked on the wards, as we prepared to do a patient 's bed bath:
'Now, this lady has had a leg amputated. (pointing) Do you think it's this one?'

I collapsed in giggles. Ruined Jane's air of super-efficiency.

Another time, an elderly bedbound lady asked Jane to 'put this in the fridge for me, please, dear!' and held out a KitKat wrapper. It contained - a turd.

Again, I was helpless with laughter as Jane waved the turd around, going 'Uuurr! Uurr!' and looking for somewhere to dump it while not offending the doolally lady.

OK, that last bit wasn't Jane being stupid but I enjoyed it.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 8:52, 2 replies)

Power Stripper
Now that I've gotten your attention, this is about our secretary, Margie, who is a nice person but a bit strange. Her computer had no power. Was it plugged in? Yes, but the power strip was plugged into itself. That's not the worst of it; she plugged it that way on purpose because when she plugged it into the wall, the wire crossed the aisle and she didn't want to trip! I think she was tripping already!
(Blob, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 5:23, Reply)

Self-medication
I used to sit next to a woman at work who, oh sod it, all the good metaphors have gone but you get the idea.

One day she was annoying everybody around her with a long-winded complaint about how the tablets the doctor had given her were no good.

"Have you asked him if he'll give you a placebo?" I volunteered.

No, she hadn't, but she did make a point of doing so the next time she went.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 23:48, Reply)

The Wanderer
Back in the wavy line time of the 70's, my dad got my best friend Bernard a job in the oildrum factory he worked at. Bernard, on a break from uni, used to bring his copy of the Times to work hidden inside a copy of the Sun, for fear of ridicule. He came round ours one night to tell my dad about one of his workmates who'd tattoed the name of his favourite football team across his knuckles with a needle and ink. Apparently he's emblazoned the legend "WOVLES" across his knuckles.

Dad didn't even look up from his paper. "You've met Nobby then" he said!

Legend!
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Mon 7 Mar 2011, 22:07, 6 replies)

Asda Colleagues
I worked at a massive Asda supermarket just outside the centre of Birmingham about 8 years ago. I was on fruit and veg dept with a lad my age (about 22) called Dave. He couldn't tell them time and when I asked him how long he'd known me he hazarded 3years. i'd worked there 6 weeks.

We used to muck him about a lot, in a good natured way. Asda used to have loads of training programs to sign us all up on, you just had to put your name on whatever list they had on the staff room notice board. One day it was a list for an after hours embroidery lesson or something as ridiculous, so we wrote Dave's name down. Cue lots of sniggering and asking Dave why he was doing it? Did he have his own sewing kit? That sort of thing. When suddenly he blurts "It's not even me! That's not how you spell my name!", I looked, it was spelled 'Dave'. So we all went "how the f*ck do you spell your name then Dave?!". And after about 30 seconds hesitation he slowly said "D. I. V"

P.S on same fruit and veg dept, for some reason a female customer asked me if we had any gazebos in stock. Thinking it was a fruit and knowing we definitely didn't have any I went and stood out the back for an obligatory 5minutes pretending to look for one. I then emerged and looked her full in the eye and said that we didn't. We were standing under a gazebo.
(CharlieSomethingElse, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 21:08, 7 replies)

And gullible isn't in the dictionary.....
I have a colleague who thinks that the Americans are going to stop using the letter U.
She swears it's true because they said it on QI.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 7 Mar 2011, 20:49, Reply)

A fellow barmaid of mine
came to work quite upset.
''I think me a my other half have had sex so much iv started to get friction burns'

Well i said...its designed for friction....

Turns out she had herpes.
plonker.
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Mon 7 Mar 2011, 20:44, 2 replies)

So one day i get a knock at the office door and it is the dept administrator type looking very worried.

"Have you let anyone on the floor that you dont know at all today. Seen anyone suspicious looking? "

"Fraid not. S'up" replies I.

"well N from L's lab has had her locker down the hall cleaned out, her laptop, cell phone, handbag, coat, everything has gone"

"shit thats awful, well sorry i cant help i havent seen a soul out of the ordinary"


FF about half an hour and the hallway is a fucking circus of campus security, police, dept admin types, building supervisor and one hysterical wee student wailing about how all of her worldly belongings have been stolen.

Or have they?

In the process of checking all the other lockers along the hall to see if any have been visibly tampered with, one of the campus security guys opens up an (unlocked) locker three or four up from N's just brimming with laptop, handbag, coat, the lot.

Turns out she had either stashed her stuff in the wrong locker and forgotten, or opened up the wrong one, found it empty, freaked the fuck out and reported it before checking she was in the right one.


Either way, Muppet.
(Matty73, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 20:31, 1 reply)

Religious colleagues
Last year, I started a new job, and was sat getting to know some of my co workers at lunch. One girl started asking what religion people followed, she was a Muslim and proud of it, which is fine by me. However when it came to me, I explained I was an atheist, but from the look on her face, you'd think I said I was a pedophile. This caused her to go fucking loopy. "You mean you don't believe in god?!" she cried, "Well, No." I explained. "But how else did we get here?" she demanded. "Well the big bang and evolution is were I believe life came from." I tried to explain. "But what about after you die? You won't go to heaven!" she said with a look of real concern. "Well I don't believe in the afterlife." was my reply, This caused alot of the women in the group to start and question me, asked me to explain ghosts and angels, which I explained as peoples minds playing tricks, seeing things that weren't there and so forth.

"Right, well you can't celebrate Christmas!" came a call from across the table. "I can and do," I explained "I just view it as a celebration of friends and family, good will to all men and all that."

"Well you CAN'T say "Oh my god!"" said the instigator of my interigation. "I can, but I just use it as a general curse, not literally calling out to god." By this point, I was getting very uncomfortable and didn't want to cause any one any offence, I believe what I believe, I don't care what outhers choose to believe. "But I KNOW god exists!" stated the Muslim girl, clearly frustrated that I wasn't being swayed. "But I know he doesn't." I gently replied "Can't you see how me knowing that he doesn't exist is just as you knowing he does?" I asked, trying to get her to at least tolerate my lack of faith. "NO! I know your wrong!" she said loudly. "Yes, but in my opinion, I know that your wrong, can you not see that it's just our different perspective?" I asked. She couldn't but luckily her phone rang and I was saved further questioning.

So I don't know who was stupider, her for being unable to see a perspective outside of her own or me for being drawn into a pointless debate in which logic, my main belife, was invalid.
(Mong goose, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 20:20, 40 replies)

Would you like tea or coffee?
This is more 'stupid friend of colleague' but what the hey:
I used to work with a guy who's friend thought that coffee was tea without milk.
(Bocboy, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 19:14, Reply)

The following conversation happened with a student today:
"You know last week you told us about those dog-sized house-elephants that people keep as pets?"

"ummm...yes?"

"You made that up, didn't you?"

"..."

Turns out she googled it later. About 3 or 4 others were also disappointed
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 17:26, 7 replies)

If you're going to pull a sicky, at least put the effort in to your excuse.
An ex-colleague of mine had driven a 3 hour journey to Cardiff and back one weekend, arriving back home on the Sunday afternoon. Then rang in sick for the next 5 days because "her eyes were tired."
(DBS, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 16:30, Reply)

That Office Moron? I am He.
From the dark dingy depths of IT support, a young wax chewer had moved into a new, shiny department. A high profile area, in a high profile bank. Surrounded by intimidating keen-eyed people, corporate and thrusting. People who never left the office, even when they hand gone home. Investment bankers were wont to stalk through the gleaming open plan office, doubtless looking for their missing 'W'.

It would be easy to fade into the background in such an arena, and I'm a chronic fader. I decided I needed a shtick, just like all those Succeed in Business books suggest - a banner to proclaim that I was not just a suit - dedicated, but still possessing humour.

A prior colleague had had two little wooden manikins that he would put into different karate poses each week - even people who didn't know his name would call him The Karate Guy. I would shamelessly copy this idea - my mother had bought me a stress ball thingy as a little gift - a googly-eyed rubber ball that could be moulded into different face shapes. I would make this my 'thing'. I'd have a different face each week.

I also didn't read the packet my stress ball came in.

A few weeks, I was reading some dull report, and idly stretching my stress ball out wide, to give it two huge cheeks. And it broke. Or maybe I should say 'erupted'. It was not filled with gel; it was filled with flour. FLOUR.

I sat rigid in shock as a mushroom cloud of flour enveloped me at my desk, the broken rubber flinging some non- aerial clods of flour as dusty doodlebugs, spinning spectacularly across the office.

A packed, open plan office.

I had to stand there, red-faced, and be hoovered clean by the sniggering Puerto-Rican cleaners. I emitted clouds of dust whenever I sat down. My training partner still wets himself whenever he hears the word 'flour'.

I am known as 'the flour guy'.

Yes, of course there were photos. Damn camera phones. No, you can fuck right off.

To compound it all, when I had escaped the scene of my humiliation, I dumped my clothes on the bathroom floor and jumped straight in the shower. You know what you get when you mix flour and water? Oh, you do? Well, thats probably why your clothes weren't glued to the floor with cheap gooey paste, you smart-alec.
(IChewCandlewax, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 16:05, 17 replies)

Mrs Stone
A (thankfully) ex-colleague of mine was one day very, very annoyed with some language software she'd ordered online. Incensed. She'd had it over a month and she still couldn't converse fluently in her chosen language.

"Why don't you write them a letter of complaint?", I suggested.

And so she did. It started like this:

"Dear Mrs Rosetta Stone..."

/edit and that's all I have. Other than the story of a colleague who used beans as a lubricant, but I'm saving that one.
( rofl harris, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 15:34, 16 replies)

Astrology schmastrology
I was freelancing at a mag where each week some unlucky sap would get the job of making up that issue's star signs (well, not the actual signs - they're quite well known).

It was always a mix of 'that boy you like will say something mysterious on Thursday' or 'Sagittarians: on Tuesday, why not treat yourself to that new top you've had your eye on, you deserve it!" Etc. and so forth.

I was editing the things one week, written by this incredibly posh regular freelancer. I was - at first - pleasantly surprised, she seemed to have done some research and it was all 'house of Saturn' this and 'Neptune rising' that. Until I got to the point where she started talking about how Tuesday's eclipse of the moon would affect your homework, or spots, or that new top you've had your eye on or something. 'Cos I was pretty sure there wasn't an eclipse of the moon coming up, and since these eclipse things tend to be predicted several thousand years in advance by Ancient Mayan astronomers etc., I was guessing our freelancer hadn't managed to spot one that had somehow fallen through the net. Still, you know what the heavens are like: unpredictable. Oh no, hang on.

She'd made it all up of course. And when I asked her if she thought that while people might not notice that that top they were really after wasn't, after all, the solution to all their spot/homework/new top problems, they *might*, on the other hand, notice the moon *not disappearing*, she didn't really have an answer.

She was later caught (and fired for) making-up and selling 'real-life' stories, including one tragic one about someone caught up in the boxing day tsunami, getting a friend to pretend to be said victim for the photos and everything.

Apologies for length, but if it bothers you, why not treat yourself to that new top you've had your eye on?
( FridgeBadger, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 14:31, 3 replies)

IT Helpdesk
My mate, whom we shall refer to here as James, works on an IT Helpdesk for a large provider of free healthcare in the United Kingdom.

One day somebody called him up and asked for her account password to be reset.

James: "I need to just confirm that you are who you say you are. What are the third and fourth characters of your dog's name?"
Caller: "Megan."
J: "No, just the third and fourth characters."
C: "Oh, my third dog was called Jack. I think my fourth was Charlie..."

And to think that the vast majority of people that called this helpdesk, no doubt including this daft cow, have the lives of our nation's population in their hands.
(SJH, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 14:17, Reply)

Not that I've worked with her, but...
A friend's wife has been on an IT course lately. She proudly showed me her first Powerpoint presentation the other day, and to be fair to her, it was pretty good, with transitions between slides and so on. I commented how impressed I was, and she said: "Oh, it was a nightmare, every time I wanted to do a transition I had to ask the teacher how to do it each time." I must have said something like: "But couldn't you just, you know, do the same thing you did last time you wanted to do that?"

Her answer was: "Well, it's easy for you, because you can remember things."

I had to admit that yes, being able to "remember things" does generally convey an advantage in life.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 14:16, 6 replies)

Office Politics.
In the summer of 2004, I got made redundant and took a temping job for about a month. I started with two other people, one a man (Martin), the other a woman (I think her name was Linda, though I can't remember for sure).

A few days in, the whole office was out the front of the building during a break. The usual conversations that crop up when you start a new job had begun, where your new colleagues tell you what a shit place it is to work, and how you'll hate it. (Unless it's just me who gets that? Maybe I should take the hint...)

Anyway, a couple of the people in our group were talking about what a wanker the manager was (it turns out that they were absolutely spot-on about that), and how he was interfering with things that effected the effeciency in the office.

Martin said: "Oh, it's all office politics, isn't it? Fun and games!"

As I seem to have more than the average experience with that sort of thing, I replied: "You don't have to tell me about that - I've got a *degree* in office politics!"

Linda looked at me for a second, then asked me: "Where did you do your degree?"

At first I thought she was joking, but the look on her face said that she was serious. I'd heard that she was a bit thick, but even so I suddenly wondered if she was all there.

I said that it was only a joke, but really I should have told her that it was the University Of Life, via the School Of Hard Knocks, and then seen if she asked me if those particular educational establishments were local.

I reckon she would've done, too.
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 13:52, Reply)

Airhole A-hole...
Barney was a decent, nice-but-dim sort of guy - but also stupidly gullible and stupidly... well... stupid.

One afternoon were talking about whales (as you do) and he seemed quite suspicious when I told him they weren't fish and they breathed air.

- "Ok then, so how to they breath underwater water?" He asked bluntly.
- "You know when they come up to the surface and squirt water in the air? Well that's them breathing out." I said, as uncondescending as I could.

He looked at me like I was an idiot, then started laughing in my face.
- "That's not breathing!" He laughed. "That's them FARTING. Their bums are on the top and they come up to fart! Didn't you even know that!?"
- "Um... I'm pretty sure they're breathing." I replied, slightly stunned by this new information.
- "Think about it..." He added slowly, so I'd understand, "... if they didn't come to the top when they farted, their arseholes would fill up with water and they'd sink."
(tinpixel, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 13:36, 7 replies)

I used to live in a pub and worked with a woman called Lynne.
Highly qualified for a barmaid, which in Publican language means very large breasts and thick as pigshit. She was also really gullible. I once convinced her that a haggis is a real animal that lives in Scotland.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 13:11, 12 replies)