An Australian journalist in the SKY newsroom.
On the phone to a cameraman.
Journalist: Where are you mate?
Cameraman : Northampton
Journalist: Ah that's great mate, can you just pop down to Southampton.
(Barnetboy, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 13:43, 1 reply)

Smell
Eighteen years old and a bunch of us are being driven around the countryside by one of the lads lucky enough to have a car. Suddenly the driver catches a farmyard whiff from outside and goes
"Urrgh, can you smell that?"
We said no and he replied "Hold on, I'll turn the radio down. Can you smell it now?"
(Mr McKenzie Mr McKenzie, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 12:55, 8 replies)

Social Club Ignorance
in the crappy social club where i work, a commitiee man, and might i add a twat also, asked for a pint of carling extra cold then proceded to complain that it was too cold.

then again everyone is about a sandwich short of a picnic down there, another person came in once a few moons ago during a pretty cold winter and it went as follows...

man: "cold outside tonight, i'm freezing stiff!"
cs: "is a bit cold"
man: "cold carling please"
cs "..."

i seriously think that they will be mating with vegetables next.

crap i know, sorry
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 12:49, 3 replies)

She didn't follow politics
In the 1990s, my brother used to go out with a woman from South Africa. For her birthday one year he bought her tickets to see INXS in London. She was so excited that she was literally bouncing off the pub walls. Her low-wattage friend, Sue, wasn't impressed by Laura's overexcited display.

'Calm down Laura, it's only a concert for Christ's sake.'

Laura replied, 'Sue, I've never been to a concert before. I grew up in South Africa. We had sanctions. Remember?'

Sue thought for a moment, then replied, 'Oh right. So what's sanctions then? Is it a nightclub?'
( ThisCaledonianClown has left it far too late, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 12:39, Reply)

Again more stupidity than ignorance
My parents used to run a restauraunt/ function place. Anyone who has ever worked around food will know that it is a very tense atmosphere. I was about 11 at this point, and used to help out a lot with simple tasks- running and fetching etc, and so I was privy to some of the most amazing displays of idiocy on both the chefs and the customers part.

The one that sticks in my mind the most, was the young trainee chef who had been given a job on the understanding that he was nearly qualified, and that he would stick to the simplest of tasks until he was fully competent. In the midst of a hectic dinner for forty, my mother asked him to prepare the toast for pate, the simplest task that can be imagined. When she looked over next, he was buttering it. But in his nervousness he was not merely buttering one side, he had buttered both sides. And indeed the crusts on the sides as well
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 12:36, Reply)

I pulled one on my son.
When they were small I used to take my kids to the local zoo periodically, as parents do. One of their favorite exhibits was the bobcats, as they look like very large versions of our own kitty.

One day my son asked me what their names were, and I told him that I didn't think they had names. This bothered him so much that he kept pestering me about it, until finally I spotted a sign identifying them as "Bobcat (Felis rufus)". So I informed him that one was Felis and the other was Rufus. As he was all of five years old, he bought it completely.

For the next few years that held as a family tradition, to go see Felis and Rufus to say hello. I would always chuckle to myself.

Fast forward about twelve years. My son is now seventeen and hanging out with his friends, and they go off to the zoo. A couple of hours later he returns, sees me in the kitchen making dinner and says "Dammit Dad! Bobcats are Felis rufus as a generic and specific name, not their real names!"

I looked at him blankly. "Yeah, and?..."

"So I just told the girl I'm trying to get to go out with me that their names were Felis and Rufus and she pointed to the sign and laughed at me!"

Kids. You can teach them to read, but not to see...
( Wanderer, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 12:26, 1 reply)

Before she went to bed
My Nan would cover the radio with a cloth as if it was a birdcage, so the radio people couldn't see when she got ready for bed. Not little people in the set itself, but she thought the broadcasters could see into her room through the radio.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 11:49, 4 replies)

Nostradamus protégé
Apparently a friend of friend kept going on about how some ex-politicians would be returning to politics and how Tony Blair would become Prime Minister again.

It turns out that he has always misunderstood the word "former" and thought, when the news talked about the "former Prime Minister Tony Blair", that "former" meant "next"

The mind boggles.
(FUXTIX Not my words, Carol, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 11:42, Reply)

An Englishman in well, Texas - not as catchy as New York, but, it is where it was...
I had just started working in a company in America, and after a week there was a big meeting with about 20 blokes and so. After about an hour, half o' them stood up and ran out the meeting room to my surprise
'cigarrette break' I was informed.

Not being a smoker, I started wandering down the aisle that separated the cubicles, and ran into a pair o' lasses that worked in HR.
'Hello, what's up? Is the meeting over?'
'Nay, just a 10 minute break to stretch ye legs, get some fresh air, puff a fag'
Omnious question follows..... 'Err, did you say 'puff a fag???''
'Aye, that's right - seems these bods can't go for an hour without doing one in'

You can guess what happened next - back in those times (about 15 years ago) I hadn't a clue as to what a fag was in America.....
(LazyScumbag, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 11:19, 2 replies)

My best mate once spent a summer working in a double-glazing warehouse
His colleagues were not the brightest of sparks, but one story had me with tears rolling down my face. It went something like this:

Colleague: So how come we've got Friday and Monday off?
Mate: 'Cause it's Easter, innit?
Colleague: Easter? What's that, then?
Mate: You know, when Jesus was crucified and rose from the dead?
Colleague: You're having me on! Jesus wasn't crucified!
Mate: ...
Colleague: Lads, he's having me on, trying to tell me Jesus was crucified and rose from the dead!
Everyone else: ...
Colleague: Nah, you're taking the piss, mate. Jesus wasn't crucified.

The mind boggles.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 11:18, 4 replies)

More phone settings
Kitescreech has reminded me of this one.

Backstory - I have a degree in Spanish and was doing a teacher training course at the time. My housemate smoked a lot of weed. One day my mobile rang:

Him: What's Turkish for "language"?
Me: Dunno, why?
Him: I was playing with my phone settings and switched the language to Turkish. Now I want to switch it back.
Me: Can't help you mate, I don't know Turkish.
Him: But I thought you were good at languages!
Me: Yeah, Spanish and Portuguese, not Turkish.
Him: Shit! I can't think of anyone else to ask.
Me: Well, you know that nice Turkish family who live next door...


Moral: Being clever isn't about knowing everything, just knowing who to ask.
(lolwhites, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 11:17, Reply)

Mrs kite
Let's go back. Waaaaaaaaaay back

*wavy lines*

Well, about 5 years. Mrs Kite is fiddling with her new Nokia mobile. As she is wont to do, she is looking in all the files etc and changing settings with no idea what they do. But hey, its keeping her out of trouble. Suddenly:

"Kite, Ive got a problem"
"What have you done"
"I found the language function on my phone, and Ive put it into Italian. I thought that when I typed something in English it would translate it for me".

It Didnt.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 11:01, Reply)

I once
had another half who was famed for her stupidity. She claimed she was lacking "common sense" - she wasn't, she was just dumb as fuck. Or, possibly, acting stupid for... some reason or other. I only wish I could remember more of them.

"Tuna's a fish?!"

"I used to think peas grew in tins"

And I once managed to convince her that the Equator was a real yellow line that ran round the whole world.

"But... how does it go over water?"
"Special floating paint."
"Oh! I never knew!"
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 10:45, Reply)

In Universal Studios, Florida
Tour guide: "so who here is not from the US?"
*another family and ourselves raise hands*
TG: "So where are you from?"
US: "England"
Them: "Scotland"
TG: "Oh wow. In fact, I only found out that they are now completely separate countries after watching that movie Braveheart"

As the American families smile and nod, our two families just look at each other with a 'wtf??' face.
(DaftenDirekt, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 10:40, Reply)

Laptop Number Lock
This has to have happened a million times:

Caller: On my laptop, most letters work but some produce numbers, like U makes a 4

Help Desk: Turn the fucking number lock off

Help Desk : ...cunt
(RichardInSydney would like to know why teh date & time is, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 10:36, 1 reply)

My dad's 75 today
and he's completely ignorant of the fact that I still need to go get him a card.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Oh yeah, just remembered...
email from my dad when he first got the Internet at home:

'HI SNOWY,

HOPE YOU ARE WELL. CAN YOU HELP ME, PLEASE, I SEEM TO BE TYPING ONLY IN CAPITALS?

THANKS,

DAD'

His misunderstanding of capslock would be perfectly understandable, if he hadn't been using a PC at work for the previous 5 years (apparently he knew you could use Shift but had never engaged capslock before).
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 10:19, 4 replies)

Something I did
I once wanted cheese on toast, but couldn't be bothered to wait for the grill to heat up, so I put it in the toaster.

... yes, vertically.

15 years later and my dad still loves to bring this up.
(DaftenDirekt, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 10:15, 9 replies)

Someone I know didn't know something that I knew quite well.
How I roffled.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 10:12, 8 replies)

I once spent a good 20 mins
explaining to a friend the joke:
Two nuns in a bath and one says "Where's the soap?"
Other nun replies "Yes it does"

Just to rub salt in, the Italian exchange pupil got it first time.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 10:08, 8 replies)

Once, right..
..someone asked me a question about my work and USED SLIGHTLY INCORRECT TERMINOLOGY.

My friend Dan, for that was his name and I, well, needless to say we had the last laugh as we LOL'ed about it for five days afterwards whilst doing massive drugs in my Honda.

With supermodels.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 9:51, 6 replies)

someone once emailed me saying
"by the way, what does btw mean?"
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 9:38, Reply)

i considered all the available options
and decided to choose life and be all i could be . I'm ninety seven now , fit as a fiddle but have been bored shitless for as long as my depressingly sharp memory can recall .
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Worklolz
A woman came in yesterday with a stray cat she had caught , she did not wthe sex of the cat but wanted it "fixed" so she could release it back at her home . It turned out that the cat was a female and pregnant . I called the lady to tell her that the surgery was done but that the cat was pregnant ...
Me : we spayed the cat and she was pregnant
Her : wow , so were you able to tell if it was a boy or a girl ?
Me : well .... SHE was pregnant
Her : ok sooooo you could not tell if it was a girl or a boy , I thought it was a boy ...
Me : face palm

When a nurse or vet tells you it is imperative that your pet keeps the buster collar on and does not lick at the wound, means KEEP THE FREAKING COLLAR ON! AT ALL TIMES!....sorry but please people...if you are coming into the vet with a chewed up bandage and lick wounds, it means you screwed up!... Learn that lesson quickly and don't repeat it!

Finally, if your pet has had raging haemorrhagic diarrhoea or vomiting for the last two weeks, don't bring him in last thing on Friday night without an appointment because we'll refer you to the very expensive emergency centre because we're going home. If your kid was sick for that long, would you really wait until they're at death's door before seeking medical treatment?

Bonus: 2 day old hedgehog.

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 9:24, 6 replies)

Not really ignorant
Ill start by saying I used to play World of Warcraft. Kite Jr did to, despite being about 7. She had a character she used to run around Stormwind, jump about, that sort of thing.

A few years back we were on our Summer holidays in Hastings. One day myself, Mrs. Kita and Kite jr went to the Smugglers caves. We entered through the shop and went into the main hall and were then reading stuff about smugglers. As we were doing so, a bunch of people we had been following started moving deeper into the complex. Kite Jr sees thi sand runs over to me, shouting "Daddy, quick! Our Guild is moving on without us".

Bless.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 9:20, 6 replies)

With a spoon, again.
I told the Witherspoon gag last week to my brother. I told it as though dhe'd commited suicide by cutting her wrists. He laughed naturally and said he'd tell his mates. Later that week I heard it being told again but the orator said she'd been stabbed. I thought that sounded better so decided to adopt that story for next time. Fast foeward 5 days and Tom, a mate of my brothers, is at our house doing some plastering. During the mindless chit chat about footy and the like I slipped the old 'have you heard about the actress who was stabbed' into conversation. He responds correctly so I deliver the coup de grace. He laughs, for a second, before saying 'fuck sake, your Andy got me with this yesterday'

I love that gag more than ever now.
(RainKing What do I put here then?, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 8:18, Reply)

penguins of the world
went on a date to edinburgh zoo(yes i'm an old romantic!) and at the penguin enclosure there's a sign stating "emporer penguin", under which stood a penguin.
"what's so special about that one" she says
i laughed for five days
(kerrakm, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 8:03, 6 replies)

A girl I used to work with, bless her, was rather... blond. Depressingly so, one might say, if one were too straight-laced to think of amusing ways to wind her up. Most of her ditzy moments have, thank God, failed to stay with me, but I do remember one memorable occasion.

We used to work together in Medical Records, filing patients' notes in their respective places. Space on the shelves was rather... tight (don't get sick, chaps, it's a right pain for staff) and, after fighting with a particularly obstreperous file, she complained that it "hadn't fitted in."

'Fitted', I thought? 'She didn't just say fitted, did she..?' But she had. And thus came to me the Idea.

"You know, Hannah, 'fitted' isn't right. The past tense of the verb 'to fit' is actually 'fat' - as in, the file 'doesn't fit' or 'hadn't fat'."

She swallowed this hook, line, and sinker. For the next few hours, she gaily proclaimed to all and sundry that files hadn't 'fat' in and we needed more space. Bearing in mind that most of the ladies who worked in the Records Dept were... on the LARGE side, the ill-feeling and general discontent that mounted every time she opened her mouth made me giggle with glee.

Of course, some twunt that I worked with who was idiotic enough to actually fancy the braindead halfwit informed her after a while that I'd wound her up. Fucker.

Length? Fat.
(jeherrin found it all in the Blackfield on, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 7:32, Reply)

my university ex
you know the map of the tubeline that is posted inside the train, ie the one you are currently travelling on, rather than the london underground map? the one where it is a single line in the appropriate colour with a little dash marking each station? and how those dashes are drawn alternately up or down from the line, so that there is room for each station name to fit underneath?

well, when we first moved to london, my boyfriend was firmly convinced that you looked at that to establish which side of the carriage the platform would be on and positioned yourself by the doors accordingly. it never occurred to him that (i) it was a very neat pattern to alternate one after the other with every station; (ii) after travelling even three stops he should have seen it was a totally stupid suggestion; (iii) it was just plain wrong; (iv) it would surely depend which direction the train was travelling; and (v) he was a total tool.

the thing is, though, now i am thinking about it after many more years of suffering the tube, it would actually be quite useful...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 7:13, 3 replies)