I feel Amibambini's pain
At 17, in an English class, I mentioned my confusion over the fact that the subject of Auden's 'Who's Who' seemed to be a man who was, get this, in love with another man!

This was 30-odd years ago when the subject of teh gayage was still a little tickly, which is possibly why nobody put me right.

The tutor, Mike Gallagher, probably pissed himself laughing later at my woeful naivete.
At the time though he was a perfect gentleman, bless him.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 20:17, Reply)

American Tourists in Wales
The USA...a young country.

I have cooking implements older than the USA.

In my time I have had the pleasure of working alongside quite a few of the citizens of The Land Of The Free, and (with one notable exception) they have all been lovely. Just like everyone else.

And just like everyone else their tourists let the side down.

Picture the scene; early 90's, Swansea. Walking past the Castle. If you have never been, it is basically one and a bit walls of masonry (the other walls are in the local pubs) with a little grassed area. Nice and picturesque, (well it would be if it wasn't in Swansea).

Overheard conversation: 'Gee, isn't it nice they put this castle right in the middle of town? Makes it great for shopping!" This made me smile, but then the American comes over "can you help? We keep seeing signs for this place "Ay-ber-taw", can you tell us where it is?

I explained that Abertawe was the Welsh name for Swansea, and as an aside that the Castle was Norman, nearly 900 years old, was built here to keep the local population under control and therefore predated the Yates Wine Lodge by a bit.

Nice people, they can't help it.
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 20:11, 10 replies)

Look what I found!
Chaz Needz Yu

If that doesn't win this week, there's no justice.

"YUR SIIKK!!HW CN YU SAI DAT TO ME WTF R YU ON!!DIIK HEAD I KNW WHO YU R I CLOKD YA VOICE DUMBASS WTCH WT HAPPENZ!!!"
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 20:06, 8 replies)

someone just tried to convince me
man had been on the moon. pfft.
(8allright is praying you've got a cold, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 19:48, Reply)

No kangaroos.
The following are all replies to real, actual, honest questions that have been asked of me when I tell people where I live. They may not be breathtaking examples of ignorance, but they are certainly extensive.

No, I don't mean Australia.
No, it isn't in Germany.
No, it isn't in Switzerland either.
Well, I can sort of understand why you think it might be in Italy, as English uses the italian version of the name of the capital city. But, ffs, it is a major european country. Get some general knowledge, even if it is only to win beer in a pub quiz.

Yes, it snows in the winter.
No, I don't ski to work.
Yes, they have the Boys Choir and the dancing horses. No, I don't go to see them every day.

No, there isn't actually that much yodelling.
Or lederhosen, although some people do wear them for folkdancing.

No, the danube is neither beautiful nor blue, at least where I am.

Yes, they "have the internet" there. Other things that also exist here include, but are not limited to: trains, restaurants, television, bookshops and the same films you see in the cinema.

Yes, you can drink the water.
No, they don't have those biscuits. Well, actually they do, but they call them something else. Same with the sausages.

I have no idea whether we can get Sky.

Actually, they speak German. No, it still doesn't make it in Germany, any more than Jamaica is in England.

Yes, I can speak it. No, it wasn't that difficult. Monolingualism is not genetically encoded into the British.

Yes, there are mountains. No, they are not the Himalayas.
No, I don't live in a chalet. You're thinking of Switzerland again. In about 1880.

Yes, Hitler came from there. And Joseph Fritzl. No, you are thinking of Natascha Kampusch, not Natascha Kaplinsky - she reads the news on Channel 5. No, they are not "all like that", whatever that means.

No, "that bloke who started World War 1" was not shot there. If you are referring to Archduke Franz Ferdinand, he was shot in Sarajevo.
(ragged, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 19:47, 13 replies)

Head of IT
Several years ago I worked for a company where I was part of the server support team. Unfortunatly we had a slight issue with our UPS... slight as in the fact that it blew up taking out several local phases and causing the entire complex to lose power.

So, disaster recovery plan came into full effect. Everyone except IT got sent home, jammy gits, while the rest of IT sorted the crap out.
A little bit later we were ready to bring servers back online again discussing the order of priority and what can be left off until full power is restored.

Techie : Right, we need to bring servers A,B and C online. D thru G can be ignored as non essential.
Head of IT : Why can't we bring everything online now!
Techie : Umm... we dont have enough power.
Head of IT : Of course we do. We have box loads of power extension leads!
Room : *Silence*
(Fishbone-didi, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 19:39, Reply)

slightly roasted from earlier....
One of my works is for my local NHS. Inputting children's Immunisation details onto the database. We're all guaranteed to get upset by the parents that refuse all immunisations for their children, not the occasional "Ooops, forgot the clinic date, can we have another appointment soon please?" These are the "Immunisations will weaken my baby's immune system, and they contain toxins, and are probably tested on animals, I couldn't possibly allow that" Yes, really... I know it's their choice as parents, but it's difficult to bear. Especially when they think nothing of whisking said unprotected children off to foreign parts twice a year.

Mind, the clincher was a Crazy Parent Lady, from last week. Instead of completing the HPV consent form (vaccine to protect her daughter from the major cause of cervical cancer) like a sane person - and just saying "No" if she was minded - wrote all over the form accusing us of child abuse for suggesting that her daughter may "One day be so filthy as to catch a sexually transmitted infection" and if we were to give her daughter the injections, she would go to the Police, as it was clearly assault..
on the other side of the consent form, is the section filled in by the child herself. In nice neat, quiet handwriting, with the boxes marked "Yes" ticked, since she was of age to consent to her own treatment. We don't know whether CPL actually ever turned the form over and read the other side....
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 19:37, 4 replies)

A few....
I have a few:

In Year 7 (11-12) a girl in my class dropped a whole load of powder paint on the floor and then proceeded to clean it by getting a wet paper towel and rubbing it into the carpet. When the pink powder turned to paint, it seemed to spur her on even more and got more wet towels to spread the paint over an even wider area. The sadist that I am, I just watched keeping quiet and awaiting for the realisation that she had messed up. Cue, the teacher arriving, and much shouting.

In my job at an FSA-regulated company (a building society), my induction course taught me to "write my passwords down and leave them by the side of the computer as they are hard to remember. It doesn't matter". Suffice to say, the record was put straight.

Lastly is one from me when I was around 18. We were waiting for a female friend to join us in the pub and she was already half an hour late. We were going somewhere but nothing too time specific. I quite liked her, having met her briefly before and knew she wasnt dating anyone. Cat, the mutual friend rang her and she promised she would be there shortly. Fifteen minutes later, she saunters up to our table drink in hand with her excuses being that all her clothes made her arse look big.
"No", I replied, "all the sodding chocolate and crisps and alcohol you consume makes your arse big. Blaming some garment made in the third world, probably by child slave labour, who earn in one week less than the cost of that drink, for you having a fat arse is just ridiculous". Everyone glared at me, and I found out that telling a girl she "has a fat arse" is not a good precursor to asking someone out on a date.
(jdharding, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 19:36, Reply)

One of my Sisters isn't too experienced in the world, which doesn't stop her having some very strong opinions of right and wrong,
I've been everywhere and done everything and bought the T-Shirt and burnt it and so on many times over, I lived a stones throw from Amsterdam for a few years just to give you an idea, she has yet to leave the same town she was born in, so me and her don't generally get along.

She believes in ghosts because she watches those ghost chaser programs on SKY and suchlike, she believes these to be empirical evidence of their existence, or she would if she knew that word, which she doesn't.

She votes right wing at every opportunity and thinks this makes the most sense, she agrees with 90% of what the BNP says and wants them to get in and sort the country out but she's lesbian, she doesn't see any problem with this, the BNP would apparently love her cos she's a right wing paki hating bastard just like them. Honest.

She hates forrins, I mean she REALLY hates forrins. Mainly she hates that they don't talk english, and assumes every forrin talking forrin language within her ear range must surely be talking about her and plotting to overthrow her. Why can't they learn to speak her language the ignorant forrin bastards. Of course every year she holidays in Spain, and she doesn't speak a word of Spanish and has no intention to ever learn, why should she, they all speak English over there anyway so no need, and rightly so, and who wants to talk to the durty forrin bastards anyway.

She absolutely and resolutely believes all the propaganda about terrorists and really does think they're evil and only blow us up out of evilness and jealousy for our better way of life, I've tried many times to explain the reality of it but she simply will not listen, I am a lefty terrorist sympathiser and that's that, end of.

She doesn't like filthy forrin muck, I once tried to encourage her to try some generic snack style 'sushi' but she wouldn't touch it 'cos it's raw fish and it kills you if they cut the wrong bits out. I think she got that off The Simpsons. She does however love a curry, but only if it's made 'properly' by white people (like in Wetherspoons). We once drove about 20 miles looking for a fast food chain that didn't have any 'coloured people' working in it 'cos they'll only spit in her food, then she settled on a pizza.

She doesn't understand why the moon 'follows her'. I did say 'because it's very big and very far away' but apparently that's beyond her comprehension, the moon is the best evidence of magic there is, it's right there, how can I explain that eh!? I can't! I can't, can I!? To her...

I don't have to worry about her reading this, the internet is evil, the tabloids say so, so it must be true. She doesn't give a flying crap about all this propaganda about cheaper car insurance and stuff, she ain't getting her bank account raped by nigerian paedophile viruses for nobody!

I don't visit her very much...
( ..wil, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 19:31, 9 replies)

Lemon Entry reminded me
When in my early 20s, when I saw a restaurant sign advertising something like "PERCH AYCE" or "SHRIMP AYCE" I thought it was a style of cooking, much like brocolli au gratin or scalloped potatoes or steak diane.


It means, "all you can eat."
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 19:18, 1 reply)

I got this idiot test off a BS in the early 1990s
Someone was going on about how their sociology teacher was lecturing about expectations and how if you drop a pen on the moon, it wouldn't fall like it would on Earth.

He said it would simply float away because there's no gravity on the moon.

The poster and a friend argued the point. Don't recall how it turned out, but it seems that this is a common mis-perception. The poster and friend asked other people about the pen, and when people said it would float away because there's no gravity on the moon, they asked:

"So why don't the astronauts float away if there's no gravity"?

Common response: "because they wear very heavy boots."

But the law of gravity says matter is attracted to matter by the force of gravity everything has. The moon has less gravity because it is smaller than the Earth, but it has gravity. Otherwise, astronauts would float away regardless of how heavy their boots were.

So I decided to ask a friend whose intelligence I respected the question.

She was getting her PhD in nursing and had worked as a nurse for years, so she was versed in sciences. She has also since taught at Duke University, a prestigious school.

Yep, she said it would float away.

In her defense, she didn't try to argue the point when I pointed out she was wrong.

Many people will, though. Try asking people about it.

>shudder<
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 19:15, 5 replies)

At school
I spent a good couple of years convinced there was a prolific poet named Anon.

Bah
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 19:14, 1 reply)

Diet Coke
I ended up telling someone i was diabetic last night on the basis that it was too hard for him to understand that a man can CHOOSE to drink diet coke for any other reason than being ill.
( Barry the Time Sprout one of your 5-a-day, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 19:11, 4 replies)

Pearoast
On honeymoon in Malta, we're taking a break from shagging, drinking and windsurfing by going round the 3000BC megaliths at Ggantija. The guide is explaining that the temple torch was kept burning permanently. ANGLO tourist asks:

"When did they let it go out?"

"Oh, when the islands were converted by St. Paul"

"I thought St. Paul was a Londoner"

Marvellous.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 18:58, Reply)

Abject Stupidity
Got into a discussion about families with people at work. I related that my father was a Holocaust survivor, to which one very young girl excitedly chirped, "Did your dad ever get to meet Hitler?" This is not, mind you, the same co-worker who proclaimed that Princess Di had proven her worth as a good wife by going to watch all of Charles' "polio matches".
(divanurse, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 18:38, 2 replies)

Dirty Dali.
In my high school art class we spent some time studying surrealism. After perusing some Dali I asked our teacher what Sodomizing was. The whole class fell about laughing, Mr Hills went a bit red and spluttery and I had only the very vaguest inkling that it might have been something rude. I was 16, the picture was 'Atmospheric Skull Sodomizing a Grand Piano.
(AmiBambini, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 18:29, Reply)

bindun?
www.b3ta.com/questions/anon/post615785

Edit: "an amazing display of ignorance" - seems to fit the bill and is yet another pointless post from me *sticks tongue out*
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 18:00, Reply)

My sister.
When preparing a recipe asked me what two eggs were in metric.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 16:51, 1 reply)

I'm afraid I have to admit to my own ignorance....
In Spetember last year I flew to Australia for the first time heading for Sydney...

I flew via Singapore and as the plane crossed the coast of Oz over Darwin, the chap next to me who was looking out of the window said "look, there's Darwin, we're over Australia".

So I popped my bookmark into my book, packed my Ipod away, put my shoes back on and sat waiting for our descent.



Five and a half hours later, we actually landed.
(penrose your dog's got tits, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 16:00, Reply)

Perhaps forgivable, because I was 6 at the time...
.. but funny nevertheless. I was reminded of this by the post which mentions BBC computers lower down.

I was in primary school, and it was the '80s. The BBC "micro" computer was the new thing, and everyone was in awe of it. Of course, at that age we were only playing Granny's Garden. *

I always felt this strange beckoning from the key at the top-right of the keyboard. I was both afraid of it, and attracted to it at the same time. Did I dare to press it? Would I be in trouble? What would happen?

One day when it was my turn to play, my curiosity got the better of me, and when the teacher was not looking, I pressed it. Instantly I regretted it. I became so scared I almost shat myself. The computer was ruined! This expensive piece of equipment.. what had I done!

I had broken it, that's what.

Yes indeed. The forbidden key was labelled "Break". I honestly thought that by pressing the key, it would "break" the computer beyond repair :)

* I still get nightmares about that witch...
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 15:12, 8 replies)

Clingy Whales
Everyday I give a lift to one of my work colleagues, Steve. Steve is your typical Suffolk fella i.e. he has rarely ventured outside of the Suffolk boarders and most of what he knows he learnt from television. He's in his 50's and he talks ALOT.

A few weeks ago he got in to the car and immediately started talking about a program he had watched the night before about a Killer Whale. I didn't see it and wasn't really listening to start with, but this is what he said. Just imagine my responses to be mumbled noises.

"Did you see that program lastnight about the Killer Whale in Canada? It was really interesting. It was all about this Killer Whale that ended up in a sound and was really friendly. It was just there on it's own, not with a herd (sic). It would follow boats around and want to be touched. Some of the locals didn't want it there because they thought it was dangerous but other people liked having it there. Anyway this Whale would go up to boats and try to be near the people and it would come to see you if you were swimming. But eventually it died. They think it got hit by the propellar of a boat because it got too close, but I reckon someone did it deliberately."

"Now I was thinking about this Smurf and I have an idea about that Whale". This is where I started listening properly, because Steve's 'Ideas' are very much like Baldrick's 'Cunning Plans'.

"You know you get those autistic children that have to be hugged all the time? Well I reckon that Whale was autistic. And I reckon it was on it's own because it's parents couldn't look after him because of the autisticness (sic) and they guided him to the sound so he would be safe. What do you think?"

I just didn't know what to say.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 15:10, 5 replies)

Having just been at the Ireland v Wales rugby game about 2 hours
before and having pints afterwards with my dad, my mate and my brother....we are discussing the other games......"and who are Wales playing this weekend?" says me.......tragic more than funny. Day-drinking on an empty stomach does bad things to the brain
(El_diablo_blanco, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 15:07, Reply)

When in Rome.....act like a twat..
Now, I know that not all Americans are stupid. My uncle is an American, and he is a very knowledgeable man. However, it is quite a large country.

Anyway, picture the scene: It is late summer, 2007. Myself and Mr Anodyne are in Rome on holiday. We sit down at a pavement cafe-type-thing to grab some tea. We are sat next to three young American ladies who are probably in their early twenties. Now, neither me or Mr Anodyne speak Italian, but we are trying to be polite and have learned a few phrases so we can order things and so on (until about 0.2 seconds into the conversation until the waiters realise we are English and rescue us).

I digress. The waiter went up to the table of Yanks and asked them what they would like to order (in English). Quoth the first American - "No, no, no! We want to order in EYE-TAHHHLIAN". So the waiter obliges and repeats himself, this time in Italian. So the girl looks at him, holding the menu to face him and pointing at it, whilst speaking in her slowest 'talking to the retarded' voice, and says "I - would - like - the - RAY-VIH-OH-LIH". In English. That was how she ordered in Italian. So did the other two.


On another note, I went to the dentist (just in time to miss the last QOTW) with no toothache, and left with the most blinding pain I've ever been in. Which is still continuing. I can't eat, sleep or talk, but I am actually more annoyed that I missed the last question. Goddamn bitch dentist.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Sun 21 Mar 2010, 14:58, 1 reply)

I bumped into an ex girlfriend a while back.
I had some photo prints with me and she asked to look through them, She picks up the first one, A lovely long exposure shot of the thames with tower bridge in it, streaks of traffic going across it, looks at me and says "when did you go to Paris"

To give this a sense of context, I live in London, she lives 20 mins drive away from me, ten minutes walk to a tube station, SHE LIVES IN LONDON!
Doh!
( Si o doom Fund me! No catering cost involved! bit.ly/1bFtzN2, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 14:41, 1 reply)

After a natural disaster somewhere
Work was visited by the Save The Children charity who were trying to raise money for food, blankets, medicines etc.

A disturbingly high proportion of my colleagues sincerely believed that Save the Children were an anti-paedophile vigilante unit.
(champagnerocker, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 14:16, 2 replies)

At uni
Morning after the night before. Sitting in bed and talking about films with young lady.

Me: I only saw Blue Velvet for the first time recently, it was excellent.
Her: Really? It's my favourite film.
Me: Cool. That bit with Dean Stockwell is my favourite.
Her: Oh, I love it when she runs in the Grand National.
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Sun 21 Mar 2010, 14:10, Reply)

Politic
My colleagues were discussing the news and complaining that my generation didn't know anything about politics.

So when I went home I tested my housemate by asking her, "Do you know what Sinn Féin is?"

She looked at me with utter distain and replied: "Don't you mean who Sinn Féin is?"

Outrageous
(chirpy, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 14:08, Reply)

Blue Blood
Until quite recently, my boyfriend fully believed that deoxygenated blood is blue, it took quite a lot of persuading to make him believe otherwise. Apparently this is actually a very commonly helf belief.

He also thought that the word 'advert' was 'ardvert'.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head tbh.
(AyeMe, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 12:25, 11 replies)

There was a chap called Andrew that I knew at school.
He was on a ski trip with me, and bought the largest firecrackers he could find in the local irresponsibility shop. At the time, these were to be found all over the place in France.
He stuck one of these things in some snow above a massive icicle.
Now, these bangers looked like something Clint Eastwood would use to demolish a small Mexican fort. The kind of dynamite sticks best lit from a cigar, then casually lobbed over a wall. We lit the fuse, ran off like the giggling teenage fools we were, and waited for a couple of minutes, during which there was no sound at all.
Andrew decided to go back. He wasn't one to waste ten francs on a defunct banger; he wanted the sound and fury of an explosion, and by God he was determined to have it.
He's doing well with only five fingers, but he's had to learn to wank left-handed.
edit: obviously, the ignorance was of basic firework safety...
( wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Sun 21 Mar 2010, 11:57, 3 replies)