When I was giving blood recently...
In my defence i'd just come off a set of rota'd nightshifts, so I'd had about 5 hours sleep in the last week. Anyway, I was sitting down, massively bored after the iron test thingie (most of giving blood is sitting down, or lying down being bored, mixed with sharp jabbing pain) when I noticed that there was a group of childeren sat down with their parents on the other side of the hall.

"oh" I thought "They must be taking childerens blood to give to kids who get in accidents and such".

I'm embarrased to say that it took me a good few seconds after voicing this theory to my mates for me to catch on that there was something kinda stupid with what I'd just said.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:42, Reply)

Homework
Mrs G reports only this week that she was marking some homework of year 6 pupils and was surprised that a particular pupil scored an extremely low result, way below that which would have been expected, and low even by the generally low expectations which are the norm for her pupils.

On questioning this pupil as to what had happened to cause such a lapse, the child in question stated “I did my homework in the dark”. There is really nothing you can say at that point is there?
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:36, Reply)

Over the years, I have been known for the odd moment of gullibility,
including some absolute doosies, but that is no excuse for the following. This was one of my more Paris Hilton-esque moments of absolute idiocy, which I can only blame on a not so pleasant hangover. Not that this is a valid defence.

I was in a friend's house a few years ago, putting cans in the fridge when I noticed that there were eggs in the egg tray.

Me: "I've never actually seen anyone use the egg-tray in their fridge"
Friend: "Yes, they're cat eggs so they need to be kept cool"
Me: "Cat eggs? Really?"
Friend: "Yes, you get them in the ethnic-food section of Tesco"

It took about a full minute for the cogs in my head to start turning and realise that I had been had. The damage had been done though.
(El_diablo_blanco, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:32, 2 replies)

People often think that because they have a few more bits of paper than the rank and file, university-educated people must all be intelligent.
Often, they are wrong. Higher education is a safe haven for those whose total lack of common sense would give them a life expectancy of five minutes in the outside world - indeed, university was where I encountered the most stultifyingly stupid people I've ever had the misfortune to meet. Highlights included:

- The girl who didn't like the Killers because they were "too weird".
(Though you could argue this was the result of extremely conservative tastes rather than ignorance.)
- The lad who thought Germany was "somewhere near the North Pole".
- The lad I lived with who kept all his bank statements in the kitchen drawer. Not somewhere that's, y'know, private or secure, the kitchen drawer. It was a rough neighbourhood too, and there were often reckless skagheads hanging around trying people's back doors looking for something worth nicking - well done there, Einstein.
- The girl who thought World War II ended in 1966.
- The lad who dated one of his housemates, then when it all went tits-up, whined about hostile atmosphere that resulted. Ever heard the phrase "don't shit in your own nest"?
- Several other specimens who couldn't relate their income to their expenditure and constantly whined about being skint after splurging on designer clothes and expensive nights out.

And these people are our future social elite!
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:31, 6 replies)

Okay, let me rephrase...
...I live in a big city, I grew up in a small town and I work in IT support. Once I start I won't stop, and no-one has time to read through that much length.

I might dig out some of the real nuggets as the week goes on, though I've probably posted them somewhere in the Q's already.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:27, Reply)

OEBD11 Diagnostics
All my customers who think that the 10 grands worth of diagnostic computer we have actually tells us what's wrong with their car. It only tells us which sensor is out of parameter not why and if it's you airflow meter it won't tell us that is broke. That's why it can take us several hours to fix it.

Oops was that a rant?
(johnners hitting things with hammers until they work, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:23, 5 replies)

Butterfly
Back when I was in my last year at school we were making stencils on the computer. I wasn't sure if mine looked any good so I decided to ask my mate.
"Does this look like ok for a butterfly?"
she looked at it then replied, seriously
"Nah it actually looks more like a caterpillar except with wings"
(chibs, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:13, 2 replies)

Fuck you arse hole
You are all dishonourably discharged out of my rectum.
(knightowlthesecond Fuck you marxist scum, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:08, 1 reply)

Posh person in display of thick headedness shocker
Many years ago, I worked in the china department of a well-known department store before a certain Egyptian businessman bought it.

The first day of the Sale was always manic - you'd get a lunar mission-style countdown over the tannoy, then the doors would open and you would hear the rumble of approaching bargain hunters getting louder and louder, then all hell would break loose.

Amid this mayhem, a very posh lady barked at me, saying she demanded to see the head of the department, who was of course rather busy. But this woman wouldn't be fobbed off, asserting "I am an account holder, you know," so reluctantly I went to get the boss.

And when my manager turned up, the woman left her speechless with the question: "Tell me, why does Harrods always insist on holding the first day of its Sale on a day when there are so many customers in the store?"

Having said that, Harrods and other stores now do special Sale previews for account customers, so perhaps she was a marketing visionary rather than some posh, wrinkled old bat.
(Capo, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:02, Reply)

my old housemate joelle
there is no point changing her name as she is too stupid to read.

playing trivial pursuit one night, and she managed two questions before buggering off. the first: name the serial killing doctor who offed hundreds of old women. now i can sympathise with forgetting a name momentarily. i do it with my own all the time. i could understand her kicking herself when she was told it was harold shipman. but to stare blankly and say, no, never heard of him... that i cannot understand.

but the second question was much much worse: name the type of plant that has bark, leaves, and grows to over 6' tall.

she. just. didn't. have. a. clue.

didn't even hazard a guess, just fucked off to the kitchen with some excuse about popcorn. half an hour later we realised she had gone back to bed. frankly it used to amaze me that she could co-ordinate breathing and walking at the same time.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 19:01, 6 replies)

My friend went to a carol service
at Christmas in York Minster. I asked how it had gone and she said "well, the songs were great, but then the vicar [sic] started going on about Jesus. I mean, it just wasn't the time or the place."
( Norbert Lightowler, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:58, Reply)

A friend of a friend
once said: 'Where is rehab?' Noting the looks on our faces, she then remarked, '..Isn't rehab a country?' The same girl also thought that being concussed meant you had lost your virginity.
(elless, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:55, 1 reply)

a friend of my wife
"You mean gay guys do it in the butt?"
"Yes you dumbass, what did you think they did?"
"I don't know, like sword-fight?" While making an index-finger swordfight motion.
So therefore, all Menonites are ignorant.

I made another ignorant statement, yay!
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:53, 3 replies)

I
have a colleague who cannot tell if something is small, or far away!

Yours

T. Crilley.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:45, 12 replies)

It has recently come to my attention
that limes are not unripe lemons.
*raises one eyebrow, smokes pipe*
(Bababoon, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:44, 5 replies)

Trivial Pursuit
Is wonderful for exposing ignorance. The following once happened when I was playing with my friend who's a bit hard of thinking.

Me - On which continent is Uganda
Her - U
Me - Do you know what a Continent is?
Her - (Proudly) A vowel, like A, E, I, O, U. See, I'm not stupid!

She was also once laughed out of a church for trying to arrange a "Surprise" baptism for her brother. Bless.
(allthatglittersisglitter, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:43, 2 replies)

A Work Experience chap....
...who spent a couple of weeks annoying my boss was listening to a discussion I was having with a colleague about the untimely death of the esteemed Magnús Magnússon. Seeing a look of confusion on the lads face I asked him if he knew who Magnús Magnússon was?

He replied "Isn't he the worlds strongest man?"
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:35, 7 replies)

Ok, it was a show of idiocy from me...
Well, more of a lapse in concentration; I'm not usually that thick...

I needed some suede, or faux suede, for part of my 2009 halloween costume (it's in my profile if you wonder what it was, and the suede was for the riding patches and a flap over the backside). So I pop out to the local market where I know they sell all sorts of fabric.

"Excuse me, but do you have anything like black suede? Fake would be fine..."

"Certainly, how is this?" The stall owner leads me over to a large roll containing many metres of the perfect material.

"That's great! Could I have one metre of that, please?"

"No problem" and he starts cutting the required amount.

"Is this faux suede then?" I ask, filling in the pause in conversation, as the owner works.

"No sir, they don't grow calves that big..."

I turned a startling shade of crimson, and muttered "I cannot believe I just asked that..."

The Stall owner just laughed.
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:28, Reply)

Add 1 Quart
A friend nearly killed her first car because the dipstick always read "Add 1 Quart".

Turns out a '92 Mustang will still run, smoking and coughing, with over 8 quarts of oil in the pan.
(danalan Pretty good, for an amateur., Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:28, 1 reply)

Evolution
Just to make it clear ahead of time - this isn't an evolution vs intelligent design thing, I'm not touching that can of worms.
-

I was in a college biology class when the teacher brought up evolution.

She explained that, much to her surprise - many students (she was finding out) were under the mistaken impression that evolution was an almost instant process.

The idea many students seemed to have was that ... One day a short necked giraffe suddenly thought "Screw this looking-like-a-horse bullshit - if I stretch my neck really hard, I'll be frikking awesome cause I'll suddenly have a super long neck" and he did it and then all the females giraffes had long neck babies from then on because... (magic words said in a rush cause they're not understood:) "it was an evolutionary advantage."

According to her, she was learning that this is what a lot of people believed Evolution was... basically Magic Necks + Magic Babies = Evolution.

This blew my mind - and I thought to myself "Ok, this is like one student who came up and talked to her and she's blowing it out of proportion... she's just making sure there's no one else out there is equally confused..."

Then she asked for a show of hands of how many people believed that that's how evolution worked.

More than half the class raised their hands.

I was floored.

This was in an advanced bio class, most of the students there were BioTech or Pre-Med majors... these are your future doctors and geneticists...

I was just f$&king floored.

She spent the rest of that class period explaining Evolution from scratch, and she did a decent job. And during the rest of the week she answered a lot of questions about it and reinforced it.

She even made the explicit point, many many times, that if a creature did manage to change in some way during it's own lifetime (magically or not =)) this would still not be Evolution, it would instead be an example of Adaptation. (The message being: So whatever you want believe about how things happened, at least use the right word for it =))

End of the week - There's a test. The very first question is a *multiple choice* question on Evolution vs Adaptation. It really couldn't have been more clear...

Half the class got it wrong =(

---

This did open my eyes to something though, when you see reports about Americans and how 60% of them don't believe in Evolution... it's really important to find out which "Evolution" do they not believe in =)

If you've been taught the magic neck babies version...
Then I might not believe in it either =)
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:26, 7 replies)

Geography
I heard about this lass once who was on the TV and she thought "East Angular" was a foreign country; I bet she could have died of embarrasment!
(kitescreech still here, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:20, 3 replies)

Student Nurse
Many moons ago, I had to get the "On Call" Dr to come to my ward to see a patient. When she arrived, she was a pretty young thing; I chatted with her and briefly explained the problem (I forget now what it was) and I was unable to answer one of her questions. So I wandered off and found my colleague Pete, who was talking with our Student Nurse. Now she was a pleasent enough lass, but bugger me was she naive; she was in her 40's, amrried with a kid, but didnt have a clue. So I walk up to Pete and say "The On Call's here, she wants to see you. Shes a Fox!" and he wanders off, sorts the problem and the Dr goes. Then the student comes up to me and asks where the Dr is, as she cant see any Foxs anywhere. Yes, she really bleived the NHS employed a Fox as a Dr.

She dropped out shortly after.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:19, 2 replies)

Knew a girl I used to work with in a popular fast food outlet many years ago.
She thought that Germany bordered with Vietnam, Wales was its own seperate island and that London was up t'north. Guess she never did geography.
(Bramo plotting to take over the world since, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:18, Reply)

Stupid girls
I was out in Newcastle with a mate recently and we got talking to two girls on the roof terrace of a pub. My mate told them he was from London, so they instantly said, "Are you a cockney?"

Of course, dear, everyone in London is bloody cockney. He's not - he has an Oxfordshire accent which is about as far from cockney as you can get.

She then remarked how she'd never go to London because she's afraid of getting blown up (I assume by terrorists, as to inflate her even more would make her as big as the moon) and about how she would shake Peggy Mitchell's hand if she met her.

She wasn't best pleased when we pointed out Peggy isn't real.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:17, 3 replies)

last week
i was telling my mum about a show i'd watched, about an irish couple having sextuplets. i was trying to tell her that the mother had had only a very mild fertility drug. unfortunately, i was having a "tip of the tongue" moment and simply could not remember the correct term.
"she had one of those things, you know, they help you to conceive."
my mum looked at me blankly for a moment, then said "an enema?"
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 18:10, Reply)