not a cunning linguist (unlike Mr Bond)
I used to live in Thailand managing to get quite good at speaking Thai, there was one area where i used to resort to the queens engrish. When ordering fried banana from the street sellers as their words for banana and Penis differ a ridiculously small amount.
(MrHackenbacker, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 21:36, Reply)

.
so today ima in d hospital just had ma appendix removed n itz ma 18th on fri should hopefully be out 2mo happy bou that as ive been here since monday n they starved me 4 29 hours den gave me 1 slice of toast but 2 the question a chinese visitor 2 the ward upon hearing i'd had ma appendix removed exclaimed but how your not a business report!!! apologies bout grammar n txt lang used ima jus in sum pain but ma meds r here so ima off

PEace b3tarians!!!

length jokes went with d appendix
(Bhougal...hang me upside down from a banana tree and call me BERTTIE BHOUGAL>>>Oh Yeah...!!, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 21:15, Reply)

Techincally not a tourist - but anyhoo...
My friend Lucy came to visit my house from hers (about a mile away) - so a tourist in some respect*

She managed to come out with two classics:

"The bleep on buses (when 'Bus stopping') is for DEAF people"

and apparently "Blind people can see through their eyelids"


Bless her little 90% cotton 10% polyester socks!

:-)


* This may be a lie - it all depends on the fate of New Zealand (Damn the ferrets and their fuzzy goodness)
( SocialRobot, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 21:09, Reply)

Australians in Canada
I took my mother and wife to a mall here in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. We went into one store so my mum could look at nice jumpers for dad, and got talking to the shop assistants.

One said 'Oh, where are you lot from?' and we explained that we were all from England, but that my wife and I had been living in Canada for a few years.

'Good, I'm glad you're not Australian, they keep coming in here and pointing at the clothes and laughing their heads off.'

We thought about it for a while, and then giggled. The store in question was 'Roots'...
(kiwanotree Meh, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 20:56, Reply)

Zen and the art of tourism
There we are gazing over the most famous zen garden in the world, in ???? Japan (back in 1987, so I can't remember whether it was Tokyo, Kyoto, Otoky or Okyot). Zen gardens are raked gravel with several rocks placed just so. In this case, I think it was thirteen rocks placed such that you could never see all of them at once from any normal viewing angle. (helicopter shots don't count). So of course you walk around the edge of the garden counting rocks in gravel to see if it's true. All very enlightening and zen-like. Little groups of Japanese people shuffling around in silence.

Cue loud voice in english with whiny American accent: "Oh look, it's a zen garden. We've got a bigger one in Santa Monica!"
(cox2inhibitor, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 20:55, Reply)

Paris
This woman was with her mates having dinner and was chatting to the waiter in French (which she can speak "fluently" after a few glasses of wine) and got stuck on a word. The waiter said he would call the manager who spoke perfect English to tell her the French word. The manager came over and asked what the word was in English, she said "Restaurant".

Oh sod it, it was me :)

As soon as the word left my mouth I realised. My mates and I burst out laughing and the waiter stomped off in a huff thinking we were taking the piss.

*cringe*
( Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 20:42, Reply)

What a great civilisation!!
Met a local in San Diego once. At some point during our riveting and enlightening meeting he proceded to enthusiastically described to me this amazing American phenomena where by local people come together on a certain day of a week and set up stalls to sell their wares "we call it a market you guys should try it". His look of extreme excitment/smugness at educating such a poor traveler as myself was replaced by one of confusion when I wasn't instantly awestuck by the wonders of the great advanced American civilisation. This look was then replaced with one of exreme horror as I held him down and scooped his eyeballs out with a blunt stick and then pissed in his eye sockets.

Warning: Last bit may not have happened.
(Lord Turkey Boy the First The Real Turkey Boy, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 20:41, Reply)

"I can't believe you ruined the ending..."
Some time in 1997 I was dragged to see "Titanic" at the local flicks. For the purpose of this story I'm going to assume that the clutch of Americans queuing outside the cinema were tourists.

As my wife and I were leaving (after three fecking hours of my life I'll never see again) she happened to say to me, "It was so sad when the Titanic sank. I cried for ages."

Overhearing, one of our trans-Atlantic cousins indignatly hollered: "I can't believe you ruined the ending for us! Goddamn English have no respect!"

I could have left it there, letting her mind stew in its own filth. But instead I retorted, in my usual, polite, restrained manner: "IT WAS THE FECKING TITANIC! WHAT THE FECK DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?"

The response? "Well, you could have at least let it come as a surprise to us."

I held my breath for the rest of the walk home, afraid that I might breath in some of her strange, expelled USA air. It could be catching, you know.

Sheesh, dude. That's, like, the stupidest thing I ever heard. Jeez.
(rymix, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 20:20, Reply)

Some friends had an American exchange student for a couple of days
On the first day, when we were staying somewhere, he asked me when the traditional time was for a cup of tea in England. After he fell asleep discovering how much stronger weed we have here, we decided to wake him up to tell him that the traditional time was 4am on a Sunday morning. Nice chap though.
( Whillow, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 19:45, Reply)

On a tour in Prague with a friend
Which was in English and German. Anyway. I laughed (not loud) during a German bit so this German woman behind me starts slagging me and all brits (obviously in German) off. Calling us ignorant and should be more considerate to other languages.

Now I do speak German so at the end I asked her in my best German If she had a good tour and asked her to repeat her comments. Her face was a picture!!!
(gracie_likes_cookies, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 19:38, Reply)

To be fair...
"Not to mention certain silly behavio(u)r at "football" matches in foreign countries..."

We do pretty much the same in our own country every saturday afternoon in towns and cities up & down the country. Its just that the rest of the world doesnt get hear about it.
(Tony T, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 19:27, Reply)

At the bus stop...
I saw some Japanese tourists photographing each other in front of a nice big old English building...which is, in fact, a prison full of nasty criminals. I thought the bars on the windows and barbed wire were a dead giveaway.
(Pixel, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 19:04, Reply)

The Sherlock Holmes Museum in London
An amazingly tacky place full of Victorian tat and, inexplicibly, drawers full of antiquated underwear. Standing outside, I see a party of Japanese tourists. One middle aged chap comes out to join his gang, wearing the deerstalker and chewing the pipe he just found in the giftshop and, in his excitement, forgot to pay for. The twit at the door dressed as a 1870 Constable loses his cool, grabs him, and starts roughhousing the gear off the poor fool. Meanwhile, his friends and family are having the time of their lives, each one filming the increasingly violent fun through a multitude of high tech gadgets. Best. Day. Out. Ever.
(JackB, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 18:48, Reply)

My parents. The Seventies. The USA.
In a cab:
Driver: 'Where you from?'
Them 'England.'
'Where?'
'England'
'Never heard of it.'
'You know... England? Um... London? The Beatles? the Rolling Stones?'
'Sorry, I don't speak your language.'
(JackB, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 18:44, Reply)

Skipthewhip
To quote:

" Well you know.......as stupid as we Yanks/Merkins/whatever are, we have never been banned as a nationality from hotels in Mallorca due to our penchant for swilling truckloads of alcohol, punching anyone within range and puking said truckload all over the police wagon. Not to mention certain silly behavio(u)r at "football" matches in foreign countries..."

Don't mean to be pedantic (nah, actually I do, I'm loving it!) whilst all of those things are doubtless stupid, they are not things anyone has said, rather things people do. Since the question is what is the stupidest thing you've heard a tourist say that doesn't really count...

"insert your Iraq comment here: ______________"

OK: WTF? American troops are fine on the streets of Baghdad, but 4 bombs go off in London and suddenly it's a no-go area?

"I like the British, I really do - but you'd best learn how to better handle your liquor and temper."

Handle our liquor? British pub: sink 5-6 full pints of high alcohol content real ale. Everyone is fine, that's a night out. American pub: drink 5-6 bottles of weak-ass Bud. Suddenly the place is full of roudy alcoholics spoiling for a fight. In terms of handling alcohol, as a nation we do it quite well thank you very much! Got to say, the only time I've ever seen violence in pubs was when I was studying in the US, and I've worked in some rough British pubs in a rough British town.

Won't disagree with you about how quickly we're catching up on the unhealthy front though....

And now in a last ditch attempt to repair the rapidly burning transatlantic bridge, I think we can all agree, Americans and Brits, that each of us produces some grade A morons. I'd also like to add that a lot of these posts are mocking people for things they can't be expected to know. The ones who should know better though richly deserve it.

My tuppence anyway. I'm off to down the pub to get tanked up and punch people - who's with me!
(lawofnations, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 17:21, Reply)

Stupidity in America
my very good friend recently went to the old USA - New York to be exact - with his Uni course. He has many tales of loud americans and daft questions they asked. But by far and away the best story is what my mate did.
After a night out in New York they were heading back to the Hotel when my friend found a wallet on the floor. Inside was a $100, chuffed with the find they had a nights sleep and resolved to spend the goods the next day.
The next morning the four lads ventured out to spend the cash when suddenly the idea struck them that it would be great to have a photo of them and the cash.
So in front of the camera they stood, smilling, laughing and waving the money.... Fast forward a few weeks and my mate gets his photos back only to discover that he they had been standing right in front of ground zero. The penny dropped and he realised why loads of Americans had been giving them shit eye, and muttering when they had the photo taken.

Berks
(Manatee Fondler, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 17:18, Reply)

ahem
I said 'bono estente' to someone thinking it actually meant something. I am dogged by the shame of it
(littlebear, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 16:37, Reply)

In Fiji
I met an Australian girl who'd just got engaged to a local she'd met on holiday. After knowing him for 2 weeks.

If that's not fucking stupid, I don't know what is.
(Pachey, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 16:34, Reply)

Sadly, I was a tourist at the time...
In London, with an Educational Tour Company, (EF Tours, the evil blue bag bearing herds of 'mericans)... We had seperated from the tour group, as we (my family and I) didn't exactly want to eat at Burger King in London. Hell, I can eat at Burger King at home. After eating a wonderful lunch in a small, cozy pub, we met back up at the tube station... This older woman with our tour group asked "Where did ya'll go for lunch?". To which I responded, "Some pub, it was awesome.". Her statement following that was something to the effect of...

"Ewww, I can't believe you would eat the local food!"

I may be an American by birth, but I don't willingly claim to be from her 'neck of the woods'.
(Floz sells fried objects, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 16:30, Reply)

Revolution, you say?
Me and my friend were sightseeing in Paris.
I had studied the French Revolution for a year during my history A-level, and as we wandered round, I explined all about the daring attack of the Bastille, how the fortress was a representation of Tyrannical power over the poor and down-trodden, etc etc and above all; how they TORE IT DOWN.
We reached the square where it once stood, we took pictures of the monument that now marks the spot, and two hours later:

"When are we going to go see that big prision then?"

Yes, he is a good friend, yes his is British, but goddamnit, if that isn't the stupidest thing I ever heard a tourist say :s
(jaffafairy, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 16:23, Reply)

My good friend, Davemund, was in America...
And he went to some, God awful, magic show. The "Magician" called him out to the stage and told him to say an item of clothing to the magician's dog. Davemund says "Trousers."

The dumb mutt came back with a bra...

He said he got a lot of funny looks.
(The-paranoid-android, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 16:13, Reply)

Tales from the darkside.....
Of the Atlantic...

The crazy blokes from the 'soon to be huge Wigan rock gods' Moco, on their first USA mini-tour. Out on the lash in San Francisco one evening and a merkin on the next table in the bar leans over and says to the drummer (Si) "Hey - you guys english? I love your accent. Say something!!!"

Si: Fuck Off
Merkin: Wow - thats great! (tries to say fuck off in a wigan accent)
Si: Fuck Off!!!
Merkin: Foooook arrrrfff (trying to do the accent)
Si: Look - just FUCK OFF!!!
Merkin: Heh heh heh. Awesome! Fooook aaaaarfff (tries the accent again)

The bloke managed to hang around long enough to get on some photographs, the cheeky, not getting the message fucker.

Who says us Brits dont travel well?
Only 2 words, but they were educational AND informative!!
(Tony T, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 16:02, Reply)

On a recent vist to the continent...
...well, on the way back, a friend and I were talking to guy from Texas on the coach to Calis, and he was asking about how to get to 'Tur-key'.

Anyway, after further investigation and slight bewilderment on my part that he was coming to England in the first place. It turned out that he was actually talking about Torquay.

Oh, how we laughed (at him).
(kiedis1984, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 15:48, Reply)

I

went to the USA some years ago. In a museum I said something banal and no-one took the slightest bit of notice.
(roysin, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 15:40, Reply)

I seem to have hundreds of these
My chum went to India with her husband. Whilst on a train, she accidentally left her Rough Guide in the toilet cubicle. When she went back to get it, it had gone! BUT, she spotted an Indian family nearby, clutching the same book.

"Aha," thought she, "They've stolen my book. Now how shall I get it back?" The husband suggested she ask to borrow it from the Indian family. They let her do this, and she pretended to copy things out of it whilst surreptitiously checking for any distinguishing features. Unfortunately, they hadn't written in the book, so they couldn't lay claim to it.

Back she went to her husband, and they decided between them that they would buy the book back. This way, they'd get their book back, the Indians would get some money, and nobody would lose face.

So back she went to the Indian family and said could she please buy their Rough Guide off them, holding out a fistful of cash.

"Sorry," they said. "We need the book ourselves, cos we're on holiday too. From Birmingham."
(Pachey, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 15:37, Reply)

Holloway Prison
I live in a small Derbyshire village called Holloway. A few years ago now, a couple pulled up and asked for directions to the prison.

I politely told them they should take the M1 Southbound for a couple of hours.
(salbot, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 15:04, Reply)

Camping with the Welsh
Me and a few mates met up with these great Welsh lads... Very funny people and very charming, although they did come out with a few crackers...

"Those boots outside... are they your shoes?"

and

"Are you reading that paper you're sat on?"

ACE!
(Kayozz, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 14:32, Reply)

Pompeii
Walking around the roman ruins and admiring the stunning murals, one middle-aged, rich american woman looked at the roman numerals and loudly exclaimed "Oh my GAWD! That writing! It's so MODERN!!"
(bloodydoorsoff, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 14:30, Reply)

Theme Park guide book
Preparing for a USA theme park holiday last year, I was amused to see in one of the books that people had complained after getting wet on the log flume type water rides.
(Glen Moranjie, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 14:20, Reply)

My dad
When my dad first moved to England, he didn't understand that Cockneys have different accents from Americans. Thus, when introduced to a man named 'Dave', he politely said 'Hello Dive.' How he managed to avoid getting beaten up, I don't know.

He also failed to realise that orange squash needs to be diluted before consuming.
(Pachey, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 14:11, Reply)