it was all going so well...
My friends used to call me tactless, I think this was based on a few silly choices I made, usually with hilarious consequences, here's a short list of some of the more memorable ones, In no particular order:

Deciding to attack my hot Russian girlfriend was a bad idea, as well as declaring 'war' on the US folk living upstairs. Both of these could substantially outproduce Me. I guess I wasn't aware of the fact that they had really good friends in Britain and they could not sit and watch them be destroyed by Me.

I once (probably while drunk, I forget) assumed personal operational command of the German armed forces (I knew someone who's brother had some spare keys) and did not know how to develop effective tactics and strategies. Examples abound: Going on a Stag do in Stalingrad instead of Moscow, failing to follow through with the gap year in Britain, the development of the Me 262 as a bomber (what was I thinking?!), setting Panzer and infantry rally points hundreds of miles behind enemy lines, failing to divert sufficient troops to Rommel in North Africa, and failing to mop up the BEF at Dunkirk. But I guess I was young eh?

I moved in with an Italian bird. I knew the Japanese family down the road would've made more sense as they lived right next to the Soviet Union Bar & Grill, but Italy had hotter legs. I now know this was based on ideology, not on shared interests. I had a few flings with the likes of a busty Hungarian girl and a pair of Romanian twins, but these were probably re-bound alliances.

My finest hilarious moment though was probably in 1941. At the start of the year it was all going great, Booze, women, new Job, new Flat, but by the end of the year I'd thrown it all away. I got relatively wasted one bank holiday weekend and attacked my Soviet girlfriend and 'declared war' on the U.S. (their words, not mine) folk living upstairs. I had a miserable December spent reacting to events - which was a huge disadvantage. 1942 became the 'make or break' year for Me, and after losing my wallet in Stalingrad, I was only able to prolong the inevitable war - not win it or 'even negotiate a tolerable peace treaty' as my Dad had told me to do.

Talk about tactless...
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 13:36, 13 replies)

We always stick our foot in it when it comes to someone dieing.
So was at a BBQ. Night was merry, people a bit drunk. One of the guys had a headache, and proceeded to ask for some paracetamol.
So around the table i'm like "Isn't paracetamol bad for you if you've been drinking?" Everyone disagreed saying it was fine. I'm racking my drunkern head to discover why I know that Paracetamol and Alcohol is a bad mix...

"Aaaah thats it!" I said enthusiastically "People who top themselves usually do it with vodka and paracetamol!! Its a lethal coctail!"
Table goes quiet "errm yeah..."
Ooooooooooooops!
I'd completely forgotton that the whole reason for this BBQ and friendly get together was for the woman across the table whos husband had commited suicied a few months earlier.

Owch.
(Boom- Clicks on NSFW links at work., Fri 4 Nov 2011, 13:35, 4 replies)

I still don't know if this was tactless or tactful, malicious or brilliantly helpful
When you apply to uni, someone from your school gives you a reference, and you don't get to see it.

Mine was written by my housemaster*, and after many puzzled university interviewers, the chap at Bristol uni finally actually shared the element in it which had been puzzling all the others. After the usual stuff about academic achievements, he'd inexplicably added:

"Prince-igor has fluid morals."

No context, no justification. It didn't seem to harm my chances, and may actually have served to make me seem more interesting than I would otherwise have been. I still don't know whether I should hate him or thank him...

*Yes, yes I know, going to a boarding school makes me a hateful evil person like Boris or Dave. Except it doesn't because I went on scholarships and paid not a penny, from a household with no money, so actually I can hate you for your wealthy backgrounds. I take your financial-based morality, and turn it round on you, you overprivileged bastards...
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 13:31, 7 replies)

Bottom of the 9th
For all the fluffeh kitteh lovers... bear with me.

After her only-child son had 'flown the nest' my mums friend obtained a cat to lavish her attention and immense affections upon. A couple of years after that I called to mums one day and found her friend obviously brokenhearted with makeup streaked down her cheeks.

Through a filter of sobs and tears I was told that her beloved companion had (amazingly) somehow managed to get its collar caught on a hanging-basket bracket (which it apparently liked to use as a perch of sorts) and she'd found it hanging, lifeless when she'd gone out to the garden.

With caring sympathy, I gently enquired;
Awww. Do you think he was depressed?

That kind and caring woman who's known me since I was about 5 still looks at me with a deserved hint of "You cunt".
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 13:30, 1 reply)

Would you like crushed nuts with that?
Many moons ago in Lincoln there used to be a fleet of ice cream vans called the Candyman.... the regular one around my way was staffed by a very very attractive blonde.. well mouth activated far in advance of brains, and I asked her for a 69...

recounted this with some gusto to the icecream man the next time I heard the familiar chimes, who then announced to me that she was in fact his daughter!!!

If you are reading this Terry Robinson...... I still cringe 20 years later!!!!!
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 13:29, 1 reply)

My mother.

When Mrs Larry and I told her that Mrs Larry was pregnant, she replied:

"Oh NO...Haven't you got enough problems?"

Which wasn't quite the joyful response we were expecting, and not the best thing Mrs Larry wanted to hear.

Cheers Mum.
( Larry Death Anger Pain Fear Aggression, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 13:29, 1 reply)

New foot in mouth outbreak in Cumbria
On Friday nights during my sixth form days - growing up in a small town where all pubs closed about 11:00 - we'd often end up back at the house of whoever's parents were away that weekend. On one such an occasion we ended up back at the house of a mate of my brother's. On landing back at this girl's gaff, the invited guests embarked on the standard mission to locate the in-house booze stash. After searching all likely hiding places I, in my semi-drunken state, began a long rant asking: "What kind of house has NO booze in it at all?!" The lady of the house was conspicuous in her silence and promptly left the room. My brother then pulled me aside to explain. Cue my ashen face when I heard these six words. "Her mum is a recovering alcoholic." I went home.
(coyston_vasey definitely ain't the wack, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 13:24, 2 replies)

I work as part of a close knit IT team
And one of my colleagues is the girlfriend of the boss. We all get on really well with the boss and he is amazingly a genuinely good boss who always has our back. We have a new temp in the office who is shit at his job so he was taken up to the bosses office and spoken to about how he could improve. He came back down and started slagging him off expecting us to all support him. When he didn't get a response he went up to the bosses girlfriend and said "You don't actually like him do you?" Without missing a beat she responded "Well he's OK I guess I mean I do share a bed with him every night"

I've never seen someone go from red faced to pale white so quickly. Strangely 3 weeks later and the useless cunt is still here.
( Peej, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 13:23, Reply)

Friend of mine.
We were out one afternoon for beers. Proper lads day out. Football etc. We'd got chatting with a bunch of girls. One of which was rather on the large size, but sported a lovely pair of boobs. My mate decided to nickname her "Big Tits", and proceeded to call her that at any time he could.

After about an hour of laughs with a bunch of drunkern British guys, these girls made their excuses and escaped.

Later on in the evening, we found ourselves needing to soak up all the beer with a round of hot curry from a nice indian restaurant in town, washed down with you guessed it, some Indian Cobra beer!
Half way through the meal, some girls walk in. My mate instantly recognising them stands up with a joyous welcome and shouts "Heeeeey its big tits!!!"

The whole restaurant dropped into a deathly silence. My blurred alcoholic senses suddenly sharpened up to reveal the horror that this was not the same group of girls as earlier. My mate had just shouted at a load of strangers, who happened to have innocently gone out for an Indian, referring to the larger of the girls as "Big Tits". Quite how they didn't turn around and run away of embarassment is beyond me.

"Erm, mate, thats not them!" I quietly said. In which his reaction, without a care in the world was "ooh err Sorry! You've still got big tits though!"
(Boom- Clicks on NSFW links at work., Fri 4 Nov 2011, 13:23, 2 replies)

In a crowded halls of residence kitchen,
a house mate who'd been away for a few days came through the door, and I greeted him with
"Alright, Phil? Been gone a long time; somebody die?"

Turned out I was the only one not to know he'd been to his nan's funeral.

Of all the opening gambits I could have chosen.
(i.charlius *Two Ronnies Theme*, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 13:16, Reply)

This still makes me wince
When I was smaller (I.e. some ten years ago) I went to visit a friend a few villages over. Later that night his mum was driving me home when I asked her if she was sure that my mum wasn't collecting me. Why? Maybe she had forgotten. His mum had just been diagnosed with a degenerative mental disease.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 13:08, Reply)

What are the odds?
I was at a mate's house, getting to know a group of people I'd never met before. The conversation turned to the different areas people were from - it was their first time "down south" - and the differences in peoples' habits, dress, speech etc. All was fine and jolly.

I commented that one bloke "looked really Welsh" to me - "In fact," I went on, "He really reminds me of Rhys Ifans."

Suddenly the smiles evaporated, and an embarassed and awkward mood descended - emanating particularly from the said bloke's girlfriend.

Turns out Rhys Ifans was her (very recently) ex boyfriend...

Whoops.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:49, 4 replies)

Telling
a bloke who i worked with who wore the worst wig in the world (honestly it was like a semi mobile nylon carpet) to keep his hair on when he spouted off about how much he hated his job.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:46, 7 replies)

Funeral gaffes seem popular
so here's mine.

One of my pals, Steve, a 6ft 7in brute of a man, decided to celebrate his 25th birthday by jumping off a very high-rise block of flats. Splat!

I was one of the pallbearers at the frankly grim, angst-ridden funeral. I will never forget the look of utter despair on his mother's face.

As we shouldered the coffin, one of the others remarked, a little too loudly, "Ooh, it's a lot lighter than I expected!"

He was dismayed and confused by the tutting and angry glares from the other pallbearers, including Steve's brother. I had to explain to him later - very quietly - that maybe they hadn't managed to scrape absolutely all of Steve off the ground.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:46, 1 reply)

A very large lady walked into the pub who's bar I was working in.
She ordered a glass of red wine, and instead of asking "Large or small?" I accidentally said "Dear Christ you're a fat pig! Why don't you try going for a run, giving up the sauce and cigarettes, having some self-respect and doing something with your life instead, you horrible, pathetic, ugly loser?!"

So embarassed.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:43, 12 replies)

Went for a couple of beers at lunchtime with some guys from IT support
Walking back from the pub to the office, we spotted a girl ahead of us who was obviously very wealthy and thought a lot of herself. She had a bright orange tan, perfect hair, expensive clothes, the lot. Being just the wrong side of tipsy and because The Streets' "Fit But You Know It" was riding high in the charts at the time, we quoted a couple of lines from the song that were perhaps not entirely complimentary, in voices that really weren't as quiet as they should have been. We thought we were terribly amusing right up until the point when the guy she was walking with (and who we hadn't noticed up until then) turned around to see where the noise was coming from. It was our boss's son*, taking his new girlfriend to show her the company's offices. I'm pretty sure he clocked us before our hurried dash into a side street where we hid until the coast was clear, but thankfully he never brought it up again.

*now of course a globally famous and supremely wealthy racing driver
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:34, 5 replies)

Is anyone sitting here?
While looking for a couple of spare chairs to take over to our table at the local ale house, an older and not very attractive woman joked that I could come and sit on her lap if I liked. Without a second’s hesitation my friend Luke grinned, gestured to the drink in his hand and said “a few more of these and you never know”. It not occurring to him until approximately two seconds later that he might as well have said “you’re so fucking ugly I’d have to be pissed first”. All this in front of all of her friends and within earshot of numerous others in a busy pub.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:33, Reply)

Not so much deliberately tactless but gallows humour
When I had a cancer scare a few years back (it was a false alarm), one of my best mates said to me, "Mate: when you snuff it, can I have your Cambridge Audio separates and your telly? Ta!"
( <>Dog www.stevelaker.blog, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:31, 2 replies)

Wish I'd been there...
A group of friends set off on a pub-crawl-followed-by-clubbing-and-pulling night out. One had a huge red boil on his nose that everybody did their level best to tactfully ignore, by ensuring they didn’t stare or comment.

When they reached the first pub to hook up with another friend, he took one look at the guy with the boil and shouted, “Fuck me, it’s like a traffic light! They’ll be no muff-diving for you, later.”
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:20, Reply)

Predator's Face.
Last one for now.

Where I used to work we had a copy of the profanosaurus that used to kick about the desks. One day a colleague of mine was reading it and found an entry that particularly made him chuckle, so he says:

"Fanny like a Predator's face, bet that's what Ethels* is like!"

Timing was superb as he said it just as referenced lady was passing behind his desk.

*Name changed to protect the innocent
(repooc, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:20, 5 replies)

"Uncle Vagabond, how many beers will you drink today?"
"Well, seeing as it's Saturday, I might have three or four."

"I remember Grandpa's party, and there were SEVENTEEN bottles of beer in the morning!"

"Well hold on - that wasn't just me drinking them - all the grown ups were."

"Yes ... hey - my mate Steve at school - his dad's an alcoholic, and he .... "
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:17, Reply)

Big milk!
Another one...

My son when he was 2.5 pointed to a lady sat next to my wife who had rather fine and large breasts and exclaimed loudly:

"Mummy, that lady's got big milk!"

That's my boy!
(repooc, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:13, Reply)

Walked into a bar, turned to mate and said, rather too loudly, "its a bit dead in here, isn't it?"
The funeral party were not too impressed.
(Emperor Lrrr Ruler of Omicron Persei 8, WILL DESTROY YOU!, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:12, Reply)

Age gap?
We moved into a new house, and a neighbour from a couple of doors down knocks a few days later, wife answers, neighbour asks:

"Hello, is your dad in?"

HE MEANT ME!!!....Alright so the wife is short and petite and I look like Hagrid after a Trinny and Susannah make over, but, seriously...C'MON!

There's only a year between me and the wife by the way, just for the record.
(repooc, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 12:11, Reply)

Upon meeting my ex-girlfriend's mother for the first time and being handed the teapot.
"Davy, are you going to be mother?"
"I hope not, it'd ruin the carpet."
(davywavy, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 11:54, 2 replies)

I went skiing in Italy when I was 18...
With a large group of my friends, their relatives and a few strangers. All in all, there were about 25 of us. My mate Chris' mum had invited a number of her gay friends along (4 blokes who were all a camp as a row of tents) but they were good fun, fit into the group well, and we all got on fine.

A few of us had a snowball fight during a massive dump (arf!) of snow at the top of the gondola. Steve threw a snowball at his partner Andy with the kind of stereotypical, limp-wristed effort that tarnishes the reputation of gay men, which amused me greatly. I immediately bellowed from afar, 'Steve! You throw like a POOF!'

*cue tumbleweed. A church bell tolls once in the distance*

He then turns slowly, looks at me like I'm a complete idiot and proudly exclaims 'I am a poof'. 'Oh yeah!' I mumble like a mug.

This is the same holiday where I told a friend's mum and dad that I thought their daughter had a banging set of tits, 5 minutes after meeting them for the first time.

I really should think before I speak...
(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 11:50, 8 replies)

New guy at work
Got speaking to a new guy at work and found out he lived in the village I grew up in. It turns out I used to run about with a few people that lived in the same housing development known locally as Brookside. I started running through all the people I knew and finished off with there was a girl who lived on the corner, but she's dead now.

Que long silence before he replied with "that was my daughter"
(BiggestNizzy your company name here pm for rates., Fri 4 Nov 2011, 11:42, 6 replies)

I didn't expect the earth to move
But i thought that you might have at least..
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 11:36, Reply)

Funeral Feed-up
Me and my parents went to a funeral a few years back for an elderly Great aunt of mine. She was quite a well respected lady in the community and there were a large number of mourners there. Suffice to say the service in the church itself was quite a traditional affair, but not terribly remarkable.
After the service, the congregation filed out of the church to wait whilst the cremation took place.
My mother took this opportunity to pop to the loo, striding out a few minutes later to join my Dad who was on the edge of the hushed reverential crowd waiting, to whom she sniffed the air rather loudly and said in a rather loud voice: "Mmmm. I'm hungry. I smell barbeque!" .
30 faces turning to my mother with a look of shock said it all.
(beanolabub, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 11:35, 2 replies)

A tale in were I do my best/worst for the British/French relations
A night out earlier this year with a rather attractive french girl went for a burton when we met up with two friends of mine and headed to a bar.

We enter the bar, order the drinks and all is going swimmingly to the point of I might not be going home on my own tonight (I was right I didn't, I shared a taxi with a mate who'd forgotten his keys) so it's suggested we go and grab a table which we do.
Sitting round the table it's pointed out that my two friends and I are sat on three normal sized chairs while my date for the night was sat on a stool which made her considerably higher up than the rest of us. It was suggested we get her another chair so she might not feel self conscious to which she replied "Noh I am vine like zis thank you"* and for some reason my brain thought it would be a good idea for me to say "She's French, she's used to looking down on the British"

I think you can guess who I didn't see again after that night.

*Check me out, I can type in French.
(Official Sarc, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 11:34, 3 replies)