at last count
5 people have mistaken my large birthmark as a stain and casually pointed it out to me
(ladyintheradiator, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 0:16, 3 replies)

My "friend" on Facebook put:
"The guy that killed Michael Jackson just got a guilty verdict .... However you cannot replace what has been taken... R.I.P MJ forever"

My response?

"There's always Gary Glitter"
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Mon 7 Nov 2011, 23:10, 2 replies)

The Halloween Party From Hell
When I was a little lad, I had a Best Friend, whose name was Elaine. Her mum and my mum were friends, so we spent a lot of time over there; one year, it was decided that Elaine and I would have a Halloween party, and to save it from being some weird two-person party, we'd invite along her friend Hannah, who was moving to Canada soon- this is an important point, and a very sore point for her at that time.

So there we are, having our party of three, doing all kinds of games, and talking about whatever it is kids do at that age. Eventually, we had dinner, with the three of us sat at this massive table, awkwardly eating our food. We were talking about something or other- some kind of food or something- and I just randomly came out with 'do they even have that in Canada?'

Silence fell like a fat man on a patch of black ice.

Next thing I know, two things happened at the same time:
-Elaine leaned over the table and slapped me harder than anyone has ever slapped me.
-Hannah began to cry. Like really cry. Like 'threw up from tears' cry.

So yeah, I made a girl cry because I said something without thinking.

Oh, also, not sure if this counts, but I apparently once turned to my mum in the middle of a supermarket and said 'mum, why do you have saggy tits?'. I say apparently, because I genuinely don't remember doing it.

I'm sure I'll have more of these, now I think about it, because I'm the sort of berk who always mentions something if someone tells me not to.

Oh! I just remembered one from uni, though it wasn't me who said this, but my lecturer:
We had an assignment where we had to record someone who had an accent and/or style of speech that was different to those in the area. I hung around the lecture to ask the lecturer something, and waited patiently while a girl talked to him. She told him she might take a while to get the assignment done because her grandad was going into hospital to have an operation, and there was a chance he wouldn't make it, and she needed to go to Yorkshire to be with him. 'Yorkshire?', he said, as his eyes lit up, 'that's great. Why not use him? You can have a before and after conversation with him. Unless there isn't an after, in which case you'll just have to use someone else'.
(BornToBeBemused was born,feeling bemused,on, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 22:18, 3 replies)

My mum's a hoarder.
Not to the extent of keeping newspapers and bottling her piss or anything, she just hates to throw out anything she can remember paying good money for, or can imagine a future need for.

Anyway, last year she wound up in intensive care after developing a twisted bowel and succumbing to sepsis after the op.
After a couple of weeks spent watching her move up and down the grim reapers to-do list, she thankfully pulled around.

The day she was moved onto a normal ward for recovery, we were chatting about how we could help her manage once she got home and of course that would involve clearing out some of the junk from her house. My uncle kindly piped up with "Well, if you'd died we were going to chuck it all in a fucking skip anyway."
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 18:15, 5 replies)

Speaking of lesbians
A female friend of mine who is fond of sensible footwear once asked if I could drive her to the next town and then back a few hours later. Without thinking I replied "Sure - it never hurts to have a lesbian owing you a favour..."
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 17:41, 4 replies)

Lesbians who are vegan, and spend a lot of time at Amnesty International meetings
Don't tend to think it's very funny if you ask "Can I watch?"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 17:31, 6 replies)

Not a wing man
In the dim and distant past when I were a student, I was living in a shared house with a couple of other guys. It's fair to say that back then I wasn't the suave, debonair ladies man that I am today. So when I actually had a real live girl in my room it was something of an unusual event, and my flatmates couldn't help but be aware of it.

Sexy times were just getting underway when the phone rang. I'm hardly likely to answer it, so I leave it to someone else. Someone does, and it turns out to be for me. So what does my "friend" do? Take a message? Tactfully tell them I'm not in right now? Tell them I'll call back?

No. In a loud voice, which the caller can definitely hear, he shouts out "Monkey! It's your Mum!"

Cue rapidly shrinking dick and a missed opportunity.

(Postscript: Revenge was mine some years later, when he arrived at a young lady's house clearly intent on seduction, only to find me wandering out of her bedroom in my boxers. I wish I had a picture of his face...)
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 16:40, 3 replies)

My father’s favorite saying when something would go wrong was, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him fuck the fish.” Once, my fourth grade teacher pulled me aside to discuss some of my work she was displeased with. So I mentioned my father’s fish fuck analogy to her. I got sent to the principal’s office. Upon reporting this to my father, he thought it was the absolute best thing that I had ever done. He informed me that my teacher was a frustrated angry lesbian and I could tell her that he said so.

From my short story “ELIZABETH IMUS… IT’S KIND OF A FUNNY STORY” www.elizabethzero.com
( ezero www.elizabethzero.com, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 16:26, 9 replies)

Don't click reply all
A mate was taking an on-line course, which was rather ambitious for him - I was doubtful that he'd be able to handle the maths involved, to be honest. Nevertheless, he sent of a pretty significant wodge of cash and got stuck in.

It came time to send his first assignments back to the tutor. As I'd feared, he hadn't done too well. The tutor obviously agreed, because he sent a mail to his boss asking "How to I explain this to someone who's as thick as pigshit?"

We know this, because the tutor accidentally CC'd the student in the mail.

I gleefully helped him compose an indignant letter complaining about this insulting language, with the effect that they returned the cost of the course, and assigned a different tutor. The original tutor was supposedly given the boot, but we have no way of confirming that.

Unfortunately, he never did finish the course, even though it was now free.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 15:50, 4 replies)

When Jess died I got a couple of tattoos
Explaining to the tattooist what I wanted and why, he replied "Ah, gutted!"
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 14:42, Reply)

I totally once accidentally went on a stabbing rampage in a nursing home.
I was screaming "DIE! DIE! DIE!" as I did so. Blood absolutely EVERYWHERE. It was like I couldn't stop myself - even the ceilings were covered in some of the rooms, and by the time I'd finished, it was simply a morgue - bits of human viscera all over the shop, limbs, heads, eyes, ears, guts - all draped over furniture, lampshades - even hanging off French windows. Man it was a mess.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 14:37, 4 replies)

this one time at the bus stop
i asked a man "what time's the bus due?" before noticing his skullcap and massive sideburns :(
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 14:21, 5 replies)

Pregnant Sister in Law
A couple of years ago my sister in law was very pregnant, and very overdue. It was Christmas and the whole family was around watching each other open their presents. My family are a bit posh and her family are even more silver spooned:

I nicely boxed it up, but my present to her was this:

imgcrave.com/u/6tGhL.jpg

Thought it would help :)
(Boom- Clicks on NSFW links at work., Mon 7 Nov 2011, 14:13, 3 replies)

It turns out I am a complete twat (no surprises there, eh?)
I have a friend whose cousin was a policeman and was sent down about ten-twelve years ago for committing fraud by torching a car in France with a couple of friends and claiming on the insurance. It was understandably difficult for the entire family.

During this time he had also been having problems with his cheap and cheerful moped and thus I found myself a matter of weeks after the sentence had been passed down suggesting to my mate that the best way of dealing with his lemon of a moped would be to "Take it to France and torch it. You never know you might get away with it this time." Apparently this was TOO SOON.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Mon 7 Nov 2011, 13:47, Reply)

When I was 26 my then girlfriend's 15-year old daughter got pregnant.
Much shock and dismay in the family, even more so when people telling me about how terrible it all was heard my reply of "It could be worse - at least it's not mine"
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 13:46, 46 replies)

My friend's brother
Recently made an appearance in the local news for kerb crawling. As I said to my mate "Well, at least it’s not rape."
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 13:38, 1 reply)

My manager is very short on people skills...
...he wouldn't know tact if it fell on him. Most of the time though this manifests itself in him appearing to be stunningly ignorant, rather than tactless. Recent examples include:

Walking over to my desk, replying to my cheery "Morning!" with a deep inhalation of breath, then "Yeah. About this spreadsheet..."

Walking off in the middle of a conversation without acknowledging that either me or my friend had spoken, because one of us had inadvertently told him what he needed to know.

My current favourite - I was off last week, and emailed him on Wednesday to say that one of my friends had died and I needed time to attend the funeral this coming Thursday. He emailed back "That should be okay, I'll talk to you on Monday".
I've now been at w*rk for 4.5 hours, he's seen me plenty of times and still hasn't actually spoken to me at all, let alone about the funeral.



/Length? Not that long... but it seems much longer when neither of you speak
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 13:36, 12 replies)

All change
It was Monday morning, almost time for our team meeting, but our Head of department was nowhere to be seen. Then, who should turn up with suitcase being wheeled behind him, but the Head of our ‘sister’ department in Norwich (we’re in York). Just then we all get an email asking us to dial into a call with our Director at 10.00.

Mystery soon solved: our Head (Mike) – who’d been on a temp contract, had had his contract terminated on Friday night, and henceforth, Charlie would head up both areas.

Wow. That was sudden; reason given: it’s nearing plannning time and as Mike was only covering maternity leave, best for him to go now. OK, fine. Any questions? No.

Meeting about over, Charlie says, ‘OK folks, if you have any questions, I’ll be up here in York for a couple days.’

Che (pointing at Mike’s desk): ‘I think there’s a spare desk in the corner if you want to use it.’
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 13:31, Reply)

Starting young
One of my earliest coherent memories (actual events rather than vague images) was when I was about three, almost four years old. My family and I were at the airport, on one of the taxi-buses that ferries you to the aircraft, bound for the sunnier climes of Skiathos.

On the short ride across the tarmac, stretching to look out the window, I saw a large plane which was missing the cockpit/nose portion exposing the inside of the fuselage.

I turned to my parents and asked "Mummy, Daddy, HAS THAT PLANE CRASHED??"

I received a quick "Shhhh!" from my parents as a few people giggled and the majority went deathly silent.

I do feel the need to apologise to those of nervous dispositions who were on my flight that day in case I caused them any unnecessary worry.
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 13:28, Reply)

About 5 years ago
My cousin was quite heavily pregnant (and was due to drop in a couple of months) when she came to visit the my family. Tea was drunk, social etiquette and polite chat about health was observed and the conversation turned naturally to the potential name for said festering embryo. My cousin, being an arty sort, proudly exclaimed;

'If it's a boy, we are going for Blaise (patron saint of travellers apparently). For a girl, we've decided on Indigo'.

My comment of 'That's a type of fire and a colour. It's going to get the shit bullied out of it at school!' drew thunderous stares from the proud parents to be, until my brother topped it with

'If it's a girl, you should just name it Chlamydia. That's a much nicer name'.

We don't see much of my cousin these days.
(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 13:27, 6 replies)

For my crimes I worked in Farmfoods for a few years.
There was a couple used to come in once a month or so, the guy was friendly enough and his partner was blind (or at least very partially sighted) and he used to help her around, reading boxes and so on.
One day I'm serving them on the tills and he asked if they could take the trolley across the car park across the road, but they'll bring it straight back.
"Yeah, no need to ask" says I...
"What I don't see won't hurt me".
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 13:24, Reply)

Tactless Gags

Orthopaedic surgeon talking to a patient after surgery:

"Well we have two bits of good news and one bit of bad news"

"I can take it on the chin" says the patient "What's the bad news?

"We cut the wrong leg off"

"What! You bastards!... What's the good news?"

"Your bad leg is getting better"

Patient sobs and asks:

"What's the other good news?"

"The guy in the next bed wants to buy your right slipper from you"

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 13:20, 9 replies)

Just managed one especially for the QOTW
Found out this week a friend of the girlfriend and I had died in a car crash. It's the evening after we'd heard and she's a little down so I bring her along to pickup some cheer-up-chocolate.

Of course Edinburgh roads being as they are we got stuck at traffic lights with some rather eager pedestrians. The lady remarks 'I hope they don't try and cross' to which I respond:

'don't worry, in a contest I reckon the car would win'.
(chuckle_h0und You furnish the pictures, I'll furnish the war, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 13:15, 1 reply)

Mutton dressed as.
At the end of a successful week working at some bloody conference thing, my manager took the team out for a thank you slap up meal.

A few white wines down her neck one of the women starts chatting up one of the contractors with us on the same table.

The lady concerned was in advanced age denial as far as clothing, amount of slap applied and behaviour.

He was trying to be polite without encouragement and in the struggle came out with "You must have been quite pretty when you were young".
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 13:05, 1 reply)

Naming fail...
Upon being told by my inlaws that my BiL was going to call his unplanned first born "Preston" I responded with:

"Far canal, they really don't want the poor little bugger do they!"

Also upon being told that they were expecting a second (planned) child, I responded with:

"What they gonna call this one Scunthorpe or Hull?"
( repooc, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 12:49, 1 reply)

A very recent one......last weekend......
The Mrs's mate (aged 27) has very recently started seeing a younger chap (aged 18.....I know). They visited us recently for Halloween. Nobody told me the exact size of the age gap, just that it existed. Upon meeting him for the first time I shook his hand looked him dead in the eye, staring into his very soul, and asked "How old are you exactly?", to which he responded "18", "18?" I high pitched squeaked back at him, "Age is really only a number", he responded, to which I blurted out "Dude, I only accept that comment from people who were alive when Jurassic Park was released". It was then I uttered a phrase which since has haunted me to this day "What, I'm old enough to be his Dad".....I am 35. I was then supposed to do a load of up-digging to get myself out of the hole but instead, as I got drunker and drunker through the evening I listed to him the films released in 1993 that he was not alive to see. Working only from memory. Free Willy being my fave mention.
( The only Dave is pushing things forward, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 12:49, 1 reply)

Back in my Music and Video Exchange days
I was offered something for sale by a bloke who was quite obviously blind - dark glasses, white cane, the lot. When I asked to see his ID he said he didn't have any. "Come on," I said, "you must have a driving licence."
(Haywood Manley, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 12:46, Reply)

Trolley Dolly.
A friend of mine who was a trolley dolly, saw a man on her flight who looked miserable, she asked him if he was OK and he said he wasn't because he was being deported. She responded with:

"Oh well, don't worry, you'll be home soon!".

She was renowned for little things like this.......
( repooc, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 12:45, Reply)

Man who i worked with
Never bothered to air his clothes and walked quite a distance to work so stunk a bit. As his boss i had to take him to one side as there were complaints by other members of staff. I couldn't think of a better way to put it to him than by starting the conversation with "I'm sorry to say this D but you smell".
Sadly it didn't work so people used to leave him little gifts of soap and deoderant for him to find on his desk.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 12:17, 2 replies)