The old ones are the best (not mine, of course)
Mary had a little lamb, she also had a duck.
She put them on the mantlepiece, to see if they would fall off.


Hey diddle diddle, the cat did a piddle, all over the bathroom mat.
The little dog laughed to see such fun, and piddled all over the cat.


In 1976, the queen pulled down her 'knicks
She licked her bum and said "yum yum, it's better than weetabix".


There was a young lady from Ealing
who had a most wonderful feeling
she lay on her back
and opened her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling


Milk, milk, lemonade,
round the corner, chocolate's made
( BamaSS, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 20:47, Reply)

She liked this so will you.
Alone I wonder like a cloud,
A silver lining in a shroud,
Lo' behold you are here,
The one I love so close so dear,
Not caring of the people & places times we meets,
As we lie between the sheets,
I thought our love would never have a parted,
Or so me thinks at least till I farted.
(Bad Badger, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 20:45, Reply)

my poem :)
Its called 'rebellion' and goes a little something like this:

If you think this question of the week
stinks of rancid piss
do us all a favour
and go click "I like this"

I had no idea what it meant when i was a teenager but now seems strangely relevant.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 19:58, Reply)

We rewrote nursery rhymes....
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the Cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone
As she bent down,
Bingo jumped over
And gave her a bone of his own.
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 19:47, Reply)

hmm mostly a poem, mostly
“When it’s calm
No one is near
Feel your breath
In my ear
Hear the words
you have said
Hold the night
it never ends

Snow melts away
leaving no sign
though signs appear
only over time
closer you grasp
tighter my dear
forever wishing
that you were near.�
(lostpixel, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 19:47, Reply)

Rage, Rage to the Valley of the Light
The eyes of men that care to stare
Can pass the bans of Mister Blair
And past our lives to places where
Our people call it 'over there'.
And beaurocrats sit in their walls
Where big men talk and Berlin falls
And children dare not run and play
And in dismay they stand, obey
And breathe in lies that look like truths
The real men lie not under roofs.

Do not go quick into the night,
Rage, rage, to the valley of the light.

And in the Styx where bricks are hurled
And manifestos are unfurled
In streams of fire as women, curled
Wish that they could leave this world.
And if they tread our pastures green
They stay behind a silver screen
May not be heard and stay unseen
They get shipped back in fake canteens
By any means that may be found
The grass turns back to sordid ground
Where mines sit waiting for the crowd
Their voice becomes deleted sound.

Do not go quick into the night,
Rage, rage, to the valley of the light.

The best West feasts upon the East
The infidel, the Arab beast
The ugly hunger disappears
Repressive laughs are turned to fear
And all we hear their lonesome cries
That shoot out from their ashtray eyes
With quiet 'hello's and sad 'goodbyes'
Cry out from perforated skies.

Do not go quick into the night,
Rage, rage, to the valley of the light.

But I know well and so do you,
The ones who care are far too few.
And with a view down from the bridge
We place a race on rocky ridge.
But most have borne a nation, scorn,
And hurl the world through troubles torn,
And worn out withered mothers mourn
Their little boys toy death forlorn.

Do not go quick into the night,
Rage, rage, to the valley of the light.

We waste with haste our money earned,
While children soldiers’ bodies burned,
And tears are shed for lost Tibet,
While we fuel tools and Easy Jet.
I know this not through first-hand sight,
But still I thirst for worst put right,
If you too want to stop this wrong,
Then join the fight, the stand, the song.
The righteous see their passions cut
And you may pay with your life

But…

Do not go quick into the night,
Rage, rage, to the valley of the light.


Yes, okay, the rage rage bit is Dylan Thomas but hey.
(dirty gypsy, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 19:27, Reply)

My schoolfriends and I found this written in the back of a
textbook at school. Forgive me if my memory is hazy, or if it's a proper poem, but it was the one thing that prevented me getting pregnant.

Mummy keep me safe,
Mummy keep me warm
And with your love
Mummy help me form

I'm six weeks old today
A birthday gift for me
A pair of bright blue eyes
So someday I might see

Where are we going today
I wonder?
First a bath, then a bus
Far, far away

Mummy, why are we lying down?
And being pushed around on wheels?
Mummy, if they try to hurt you
First run, then scream

Mummy they're hurting me
Tearing me apart
First my arms, then my legs
Now my tiny heart

Mummy, I love you
Mummy, I do
Please tell daddy
I could've loved him too.

Yes, and I nicked that last line years ago when I wrote the poem about my dad
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 19:20, Reply)

aah yes. I wrote this one in primary school:
There's a dead station on the underground,
Old graffiti on the walls,
Paint on the signs so dull you can hardly read it
Dulled by the years.
Posters say "next week!" when it was three years ago.
It lays there forgotten,
Gathering dust.
(teasus likes tea, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 19:12, Reply)

I Am There
Do not look back the day I'm gone
And wonder where I left you for.
As you observe my deathly stare
I'm knocking slow on Heaven's door.
When you are watching, I am there.

Nor in the dead of night awake
To look at moon on solemn sky -
Like pearl on silk doth not compare -
As you look up and ask God, "Why?"
When you are doubting, I am there.

Don't look for peace in dew-lit grass
Or long for strolls with me in hand.
Nor dream of how I stroked your hair
And cry into your wedding band.
When you are weeping, I am there.
(dirty gypsy, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 18:55, Reply)

Not mine or teenage...
My lil sisters poem to our mum:

To my dear mummy
You have a sweat little tummy
And what a lovely mummy you are.
You love to sleep
sleep tight way Down Deep
And You like to eat.
I'm writting this card to show my love
You are a sweat little Dove to me.

....
(deadly, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 18:51, Reply)

Oh dear oh dear oh dear
This is embarrassing.

When I was a youngster, I used to make up raps. This might be alright if you're any good at it, or in any way 'street' but I was neither. Posh-voiced Surrey girl with no lyrical ability. Think a younger, fatter Victoria Aitken with a bad haircut.

One day, me and my fellow chums at Guildford High School For Girls made up a rap for a friend's birthday. I'm too embarrassed to type it in full, but it's enough to say it contained the line 'Da tibi osculum' which is Latin for 'give you a kiss'.

Latin. In a rap. For fuck's sake.
(Pachey, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 18:47, Reply)

Daddy?
Can I call you daddy?
I've waited for so long
I know you're not a baddy
And I've done nothing wrong

I'm 21 today, a grown up now, you see?
But there's always something missing
A man to call Daddy

I've loved you for a long time
A life that's not my own
A life based on some fun times
With a Dad I've never known

I'm not a horrid girl, you know
I'm just a girl called me
A girl that needs her daddys love
For all eternity.

Daddy I love you, daddy, I do
And one day daddy, you'll love me too.

*Wrote this on my 21st birthday, it's crap but it's how I felt at the time*
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 18:38, Reply)

Haiku
Hat hair and bed head
These two afflictions spoil
My chance with women.
(Mr. P, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 18:38, Reply)

Haikus
I used to write a lot of them. Some of my favorites:

"Where's all that blood from?"
"I've just one word for you, son.
Haemophilia."

and

Ear against the door
Pressing hard, I hear no sound.
Grandma must be dead.
(Corn Dog, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 18:35, Reply)

really quite serious and boring and poh but meh
Long Journey Back.

Running away from the mess,
You found yourself searching.
Searching for yourself.
Its time to discover
The love for yourself, you once had
This is the long journey back

Recall the happiness.
Remove the sad.
Recover the life you had.
Its time to regain your confidence,
And face the world.

The day it too short,
To worry about mistakes.
We all make them.
We all worry.
It seems the best thing to do,
Is Forget?

Its time you
Dream of the future,
And the happiness it will have.
To remember yourself
This is the long journey back.

...I still am a teenager
(Tormentedpuffin bleughhhhh, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 18:28, Reply)

Me being a teenager was so long ago that no poems exist any more. Here is a poem (based on truth) about my teenage years instead.
When i was twelve
I had a wet dream
But i didn't wank properly
til i was fourteen.

My first climax came
When i was stroking my phallus
To the great tennis scene
In "debbie does Dallas".

I'm not sure why
it hadn't happened til then
Perhaps there wasn't
Enough ink in my pen.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 18:22, Reply)

Metaphysical gut stick battering
Poetry used in futile attempt to score fingers and tops off School crush.

"Katie - you are a greek play
You are an abstraction
You are pastoral calm
You are the source of my distraction
Will you be my muse -
Can I touch your boobs?"

her response was not so poetic - although I did get myself a helping after she went to college. Nosh.
( Woolworth Smells of festive spices, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 18:17, Reply)

Not sure if this counts but
A mate was texting a girl he liked for a few weeks, he text her one day and didnt get a reply for 2 or 3 days so he decided to send her another one with the words.

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
I miss you

Suffice to say she didn't text back... ever
( Arathkone formerly naD. Been away awhile., Thu 11 Aug 2005, 17:55, Reply)

Me mate Murph comes out with these reguarly,
I don't know if he came up with them himself, but i think he probably did.

Tits 'o Lovely Tits
Dave, he takes them,
and he covers them in Jism.

(Thats ace as you can insert your own name)

And the immortal:

You can tell by the stench that there's trouble in the trench,
When the time of the month comes round,
You can tell by her moaning that she's dripping hemoglobin,
When the time of the month comes round.

Teenage... he is a teenager stuck in a 4 foot 30 year old man.
( nnnndave, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 17:51, Reply)

christmas time
money is tough, times are hard, here's your fucking christmas card.

:) was funny when I was 12.
( fridge_magnet, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 17:50, Reply)

I'd love to take credit for this, but I can't....
a mate of mine wrote this about another mate (Jonesy) and the rumours of incest involving him and his mother (Hilary)

Apparently it had a tune associated with it, but here goes

HILARY: SHE'S ON FIRE
---------------------
Hello mother, how are you?
Let's grind like monkeys in a zoo
Let's do it right here on the kitchen floor

Jonesy strides across the room
And re-emerges in the womb
That he last saw in 1984

Hoist her up and spread her wide
Screwed until she nearly died
Hilary, she's on fire!

Part her breasts and slip it in
Spray man-juice over her chin
Hilary, she's on fire!

Jonesy rests, thinks that is it
But there's no resting, not for a bit
Hilary, she's a fucking whore

She stole my heart upon the dart
But I slayed her with a deadly fart
Hilary, her fire burns no more
--------------

He now writes scripts for "Have I Got News For You"
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 17:44, Reply)

heehee
the cattle are lowing
virgin mary wet the bed
the little boy jesus
broke her hymen with his head
(callipygous everytime I kill a hitchhiker, God masturbates, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 17:39, Reply)

ODE TO SPLIFF, Written during a boring Chemistry Lesson aged 15, 1989. Last verse circa 1991
Spliff is truly a wonderful thing
Think of all the joy it can bring
This substance lots of people hate
But that is what I cannot take
They don't know what it's really like
When you're buzzing through the night

I can be reduced to tears
When people act on pre-conceived ideas
They don't know what they're talking about
They just open their mouths and spout
All drugs are bad
That's not true
Puffs not coke, crack, speed or glue

Now in your mind, hear this verse
Puff won't put you in a hearse
But of the others please beware
They can spell danger
Without due care.
(iluvtehfluffeh, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 17:36, Reply)

A very simple poem
Here's one for reciting in public whenever you feel like it

It's a simple EDED Rhyming pattern:

Everyone who isn't me is gay,
De doobee doobee doo,
Everyone who isn't me is gay,
De doobee doobee doo
(Abusive Eskimo - My post is here, at the bottom, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 17:35, Reply)

ooh, i am so tempted
to put in one of my boyfriend's old ones in here, but he WILL kill me.
instead, here's one of mine, as far as i remember it...:

life is hard
there is no way out
watch the birdie
as it flies away

i have no idea why. got to say, as most teenage poetry is navel-gazing bobbins, the funniest ones are going to be from primary school....
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 17:33, Reply)

As a youth I had eye problems...
My Eyes.

My eyes! My eyes! My eyes!
Oh, my eyes! My eyes!
My right eye droops upon my knee.
My left swings round the back and comes to rest
Upon my anus.
Damn that horse and it's lusty ways!
(stusut79, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 17:33, Reply)

Larry the swashbuckling cap'n
Ode to a Pirate

Ahoy there maties! I am off to sea
A hardcore pirate with a parrot be me
In my jolly roger I'll sail all over
I'm waving goodbye to the white cliffs of Dover

Arghhh me hearties! I'm off into the blue
I don't need help, I'm a one man crew!
I've packed my accordion and various other bits
And some special tablets for when I get seasick

Got my eye-patch on and my treasure map handy
Ship's rigged, beard's grown, peg leg's fine and dandy
Slipping into my new cap'ns jacket
Gonna find me some treasure and make myself a packet

Casting off and gazing t'ward my destination
I look the dashing hero! (no exaggeration)
Suddenly I hear a lovely maiden singing...

"Larry?! What the fuck are you doing? Get out of the pond! The telephone's ringing!"

Sigh.

*apologies*
(mrmistoffeles, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 17:21, Reply)