Ian
I've told the poor Ian story before, this is a kind of epilogue.

Ian's completely out of money, and it'd got to the point where he'd just got a loaf of bread, and a few packs of 9p noodles.

So, Ian's dining, for a week, consisted of one meal per day of...

2 slices of bread, toasted.
1/2 pack of noodles, cooked without the flavouring.
Flavouring, for garnish.

Yum. Scurvy-rific.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 20 May 2007, 23:09, Reply)

Girlfriends house
I once dated a fantastic girl; she was stunning, went to a convent (therefore great fun!!) happy to get naked whenever we had 5 minutes alone.

So I get invited around for a meal. I'm told to dress smartly, at least shirt and tie. Now this being a saturday night, I stop for a quick pint with the lads on the way. That turns into 5, and I roll up about 25 minutes late, half cut and starving. That kind of hungry where you feel sick with hunger.

There are a few things I can't eat. Lamb, sweetcorn and beetroot are the main ones, and I also hate the taste of aniseed. The menu was beetroot and sweetcorn salad, then roast lamb with Pastise (french aniseed drink).

I have a polite mouthfull, and thats enough. 15 minutes of moving salad around of a plate. Main course comes, again, I eat the potatoes. I get a gentle tap on the shoulder from Emma. "Why aren't you eating? The lamb is gorgeous!". She then has a piece of Lamb on her fork and tries to put it in my mouth. I move away, but then she tries again; kind of like Ainlsey Harriot does on Ready, Steady, Cook!

At this point, I get a horrible, stomach movement, I make what I think is a swift exit and proceed to produce salad, 5 pints of guiness and the reminents of the Big Mac I had for lunch into their downstairs loo. I missed.

I left.

She came to the pub later, and we actually ended up in the Koh-i-noor in Loughborough having a cracking curry, then went home for more fun. But alas, after that, I was never invited again. We lasted another 3 weeks.
(gjb006, Sun 20 May 2007, 22:43, Reply)

What's the deal with sweetcorn?
It comes out your arse looking exactly the same as it did when it went in.

Call me old fashioned but I like a shit to look like a shit.
(Fatima Whitbread's hardon drugs and the causes of drugs, Sun 20 May 2007, 22:43, Reply)

Oh, the nastiest I ever ate...
It does not even count as food. The vile disgust I felt as I retched in the aisle was ungodly!
When I was younger, we were in a store. You know how they have the 'sample bins' where you can try a new product or whatever? Well, I tried this chip thing that looked like a green bean. Only chiplike (chip as in cheetos) I put it in my mouth and GODDAMN! Instant retching occured. The product?


Not all peppy as shown in the bag.
www.almostvegan.com/archives/2006/04/snapea_crisps.html
What can you expect from *GASP* nutritional food? I swear, there should have been a warning on the bin.
(NancyycnaN Wðñ'† ¥ðµ §hðw §ðmê ¢l姧?, Sun 20 May 2007, 22:21, Reply)

Muller Chicken
Well being a student, and as I said I would I got a chicken and roasted it in a marinade of Muller yoghurt and dannon strawberry actimel!

Smelt like a caked in the oven, burnt it and it tasted fowl (haha).
(Ian_Ex_Machina Has nothing better to do, Sun 20 May 2007, 22:17, Reply)

Terrible to others, not to me.
Around Thanksgiving and/or Christmas, I like to mash up mashed potatoes, turkey, corn, green beans, and jellied cranberry sauce all up in a big mush. Then I promptly eat it up with a spoon. My family thinks it's nasty, but you really should try it!
(NancyycnaN Wðñ'† ¥ðµ §hðw §ðmê ¢l姧?, Sun 20 May 2007, 22:13, Reply)

I speak French very well
But not quite good enough to fully understand a menu in Belgium


That is how I came to eat calves brains.


Truly horrible. Don't, just don't ever try it.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Sun 20 May 2007, 22:11, Reply)

Pink Goddess
Black pudding and bacon sandwich. Yum yum yum!
(littlesunshine licked your blinky diodes on, Sun 20 May 2007, 21:49, Reply)

Mustard Sandwich
Ingredients:
1 x Pot of Mustard
1 x Slice of stale bread
1 x This irish fuck so incredibly hungry he would eating anything.

Recipe:
1. Smear contents of jar on bread.
2. Munch.
3. Puke.

It did however remove the urge for me to eat anything else. The mere mention of yellow sends me off to the land of vomit.
(Mark3y needs to put some welly in to it, Sun 20 May 2007, 21:20, Reply)

at school...
There was an odd lad at my school. He was the one who stayed in his room playing computer games with the curtains shut for the whole summer holiday. He only left his darkened room to eat and to use the toilet. On entering the sunlight after the holidays he got a skin rash from the light.

Anyway, some kids paid him 1p to eat whatever they concocted. They put just about every foodstuff imaginable into a jar and blended it. He drank it and said "yum".

Someone gave him a straw once. He used it to drink from puddles.

The same kid was sharing a tent with me on Duke of Edinburgh. We pitched it and went inside. He spied a bag of shite sweets on the tent floor. "These must be here from when my sister used the tent the summer before last" he remarked. he promptly stuffed his face with shite.

Kid from school, I salute you.
(vibrating tuna, Sun 20 May 2007, 19:12, Reply)

rhyswynne
"Russia has vile food. If you ever visit, trust me, eat at McDonalds"

i've had some exceptional food in Russia - please, anyone lucky enough to got to Russia, please ignore this advice.
(kendangle, Sun 20 May 2007, 18:30, Reply)

Is it me or
is anyone else getting a little peckish reading these posts? I really feel the need to experiment now.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Sun 20 May 2007, 17:36, Reply)

Two words...
Black pudding.
( randomwomanwholikespink, Sun 20 May 2007, 17:28, Reply)

Once,
I took a big bite out of a cigar.

I had a cough for about 3 weeks after because it had lodged itself in my throught.

Strangly tasty though.
(LuckySevenDomino is now the owner of a shiny Wii!, Sun 20 May 2007, 17:14, Reply)

I used to
work in a bar on Oxford Street, and we had a rather unpleasant australian chef, to whom I shall refer to as Oz.

He had worked for my boss at a number of different places for a number of years. My boss, a cockney chap referred to as The Whelk, for some reason maintained his employment despite his mediocre ability and unpleasent personal habits, which included shagging, I quote, 'literally dozens of whores'.

This tale was related to me years after the event, which took place at a previous workplace. The Whelk ambled through the kitchen one morning, greeting a hungover Oz. Oz grunted back. As the Whelk was leaving the kitchen, Oz piped up with,

"I brought a whore back last night and used one of the big snags on her. I put it back so it won't effect the stock."

The Whelk looked puzzled. He was easily bamboozled by exotic slang. 'Snag'? Still, it didn't affect the stock, he thought, so didn't matter.

"Yeah, whatever Oz."
The Whelk ambled off in the direction of his flat, liberally slopping his coffee, as was his wont.

Later that afternoon, the Whelk entered the kitchen, for several meals needed to be delivered to a table. They were a Lasagne, Toad in the Hole, and an all-day breakfast, consisting of eggs, bacon, a jumbo sausage, beans, fried bread and a tomato. As the Whelk took the food for delivery, Oz pointed out that

"that is the last of the big snags for the breakfasts, so from now on they'll have to get two small ones"

The Whelk nodded and left. He deposited the food with the diners and walked away. Then a penny dropped. 'Snag'.

"Oz, what did you say this morning? About Snags."
"That I used one of the big boys on a hooker last night. Put it back though."
"Used?"
Oz explained how he had used a seven inch frozen sausage to masturbate a middle aged prostitute.
The Whelk's jaw dropped.
"You put it back?"
"Don't worry. I used it."
Oz pulled the empty cardboard box from the freezer.
"Sold the last half dozen today. We need to order some more."

The Whelk's jaw dropped so far Oz could see his breakfast. His brain, meanwhile, stored a grotesque story for after work drinks.

At some point, on that day many years ago, a diner in a tatty pub somewhere to the west of London recieved a breakfast which included a sausage garnished with the juices of a lady of the night's vag. And they ate it.

I would make a poor joke about 'batter' here. But I won't.
(cs1ca, Sun 20 May 2007, 16:46, Reply)

terribly healthy food
We get live cobras and cut their heads off and then suck the blood out of them while they are still squirming. Then we rip it open and cut out its gall bladder and put it in a glass with some chinese wine and drink it down while its still beating. Not only is it a natural aphrodisiac but its great for smack withdrawals as well..As Samuel Jacksone sez in Pulp Fiction " Mmmm...now thats what I call a nutrtious breakfast!"
(amy crackpipe firing up Camden, Sun 20 May 2007, 16:09, Reply)

Bloody french!
When I was 10,I went to France with my school,and was the ONLY vegetarian.

On arriving, we were all given a pot of 'natural' flavoured yoghurt. Us small children were used to nice fruity yogurt. This was yuk.

Every day for lunch, we'd have a baguette, usually chicken, or something for the omnivores. Always egg for me. Egg mayo, sliced egg, mashed egg,and something that tasted like a slimy omlette baguette. As if they couldnt just give me vegetables or salad!

They also gave us all a large tomato in our lunch pack. Presumably to eat like a kinda very juicy apple. We rolled them all down a hill. Spectacular sight.

For dinner, I was given an omlette every night, which, for once I was very glad of. The meat-eaters always had some ghastly grey,oozing square of 'mystery meat'.

Until the last day, when they presented to a group of British 10 year olds....

Green fish soup.

It was green.

And smelly.

The teachers went and bought us take-aways.
(Miharu, Sun 20 May 2007, 14:59, Reply)

Chocolate Swiss Roll
Only not just any chocolate swiss roll, swiss roll my Mum had got from some dodgy Del-boy character in a market. She didn't tell me this of course.

So, school lunch, tuck into this roll: foul, foul, foul. After some time spent retching, I look at it: the "fresh" cream is BLUE, with green specks. It tasted like a vintage cheese that had just been vvomited and shat on. Bleurrgh. Turns out the expiry was about 10 months ago. I can still taste it now, many years on.
(Iain K, Sun 20 May 2007, 14:13, Reply)

not me but....
in the village i live in, there was a bit of a weirdo, who shall remain unnamed, as he's already had enough of a caining to last a lifetime and then some.

For some reason, he had no friends his own age, so he hung around with me and my friends (must have been about 3 years older than us).

One day, he was being distinctly annoying, so in a bid to be rid of him, we told him one of our friends had bought the park (which we were currently chillin in).

In turn, our said friend said, either eat some dog shit, or fuck off. You can imagine our shock when, instead of opting to fuck off, like a normal person, he proceded to pick up the nearest piece of dog shit (which has an omnipresence throughout our turdhole village) and started munching.

A whole log and a half later, the look of utmost horror and shock on mine and my friends faces had melted into pissing our pants with laughter.

Dirty fucker.

looking back, it should not have been such a surprise, considering his brother was an equally big social retard, and his uncle was the village tramp, who lived on a bench and drunk cider out of an empty 4 litre milk bottle.

Good Day.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Sun 20 May 2007, 14:06, Reply)

Why, just WHY??
OK, this doesn't involve poo or nasty body squirtings, just a food stuff that was obviously copied from a picture.

I was in Northern Ireland and at university, so poor. This is the only reason why anyone would eat in the university cafe type place. They managed to suck out all the taste and texture of any food and produce a terrible grey mush. That wasn't the problem when I went in with my two pounds and spied a pizza.

It wasn't a big pizza, but it appeared to be well made. A slice of tomato that was still red, real cheese, two spears of asparragus (no really) and in the middle a black olive. I hadn't had an olive since leaving home, they weren't high on the shopping list (that was beer and fags) so I payed my money and went to enjoy my illicit middleclass olive eating pleasure.

It was a grape

A fucking GRAPE

I can only think that they once saw a picture of a pizza and thought in thier lard addled minds... "oooh that black thing there. It must be a grape, for there are no other black round foods".

I still feel the dissapointment...
(rockers74 killed a man in Reno just to watch him die., Sun 20 May 2007, 13:30, Reply)

Russia has vile food
If you ever visit, trust me, eat at McDonalds. We did so in Moscow for 3 days, and some of the staff thought we were the Russian Mafia because "nobody but rich people eat here every day".
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Sun 20 May 2007, 13:12, Reply)

I don't do service station food.
Was on the way to somewhere and was starving beyond belief so I went into a motorway services for anything to eat.

The (then) attraction of a full breakfast was strong so I got one with everything for some horrendous charge.

Finished eating it and instantly knew something was wrong - very wrong.

I got up, ran towards the toilets but couldn't get all the way, and ended up projectile vomiting not only infront of the people queing for full breakfasts but a coachload of old people who'd just came in for a toilet break.

So embarassing.

I never eat at service stations now...
(pubic_alopecia, Sun 20 May 2007, 12:03, Reply)

Bad early 90's party
Long long ago, Me and my sidekick Robin (only resemblance to Batman I have ever had) went to an amazing party in Sunny Hull.
When we got there (1st!! - uber uncool) the guy whose house it was was dressed in a lime green spandex catsuit and was the spitting image of Nigel Tufnell from Spinal Tap. "come in", he announced.... "there's food", there was actually 3 cold pizzas and an industrial quantity of bombay mix sat next to the mountain of alcohol including a massive bowl of punch. "Nigel" then went upstairs as he wanted to "get ready for the party", apparently, dressing like a 70's rock star was something he did usually!
The pizzas were actually mouldy, but seeing as Bob n me had the mega-munchies we ate them as soon as the host with the most (we could see the bulge) went upstairs and then started on the bombay mix.
At this point a guy we knew had arrived pissed as a fart. When "Nigel" came back down (now dressed in a large black cardigan - go figure)we pointed to the comatose guy and blamed him for the pizzas. Nigel says "GREAT! I hate that tosser, I wanked on those about 10 mins before you came in!"
Robin and I managed to keep our composure and asked which one in particular got the spooge. It was the one with the olives on it. I hadn't touched that one, and Rob proceeded to throw up in the punch, then left swearing revenge.
"Nigel" then proceeded to get a sieve and another punch bowl, and strained Rob's spew out of it. The rest of the night was spent with me, twatted off my face, pissing myself every time someone had a glass of punch.
Rob got his own back, when he sneaked around to this guys house a few weeks later and wanked in one of his bottles of milk at 7 in the morning.
I later realised that this was a leaving party, and that "Nigel" would have been long gone by then, but to tell Rob this would've been akin to drowning his Mum in a swimming pool of cat-piss.
(airliebird Has now found Twiglets in Sydney!!!!!!! yay!, Sun 20 May 2007, 11:15, Reply)

when the late Frankie Howard cooked for me

his buns were delicious, but I could hardly swallow his sausage! Oooh, no missus - titter ye not!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 20 May 2007, 8:58, Reply)

Not me, but a friend (I was a witness though)
At a party I had one time when I was young, we were having customizable ice cream sundaes. Friend in question had the bright idea to mix everything we could add as a topping, and then some.

Result? A dish containing an ungodly looking portmanteau of vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce, caramel, nuts, 3 different sodas, root beer, Sunny Delight (at least 3 bottles), marshmallows, Jello, nuts, and some bittersweet chocolate I nicked from the fridge.

Ah, tasty, you say? Well, I'll have you know about five seconds after he ate it, he vomited it up. To make it worse, it got on the cat.

Length? It got about 2 feet from his face.
(Mr. Pie smashes pumpkins into small piles of putrid debris, Sun 20 May 2007, 2:45, Reply)

Bleurgh
I had to watch all kinds of chefs doing unmentionables into peoples food. If only you knew what we did to Blair's dinner. Mwahahahaha. Kid you not. Been police checked twice for the privilige...
( Whodathunkit, Sun 20 May 2007, 1:20, Reply)

Dominos Heatwave
Had a buy one get one free voucher for Dominos and after a hard days drinking decided I should order a couple pizzas in - one for the night and stick the second in the fridge for the next day.

Went for my normal, a Texas BBQ Chicken and then for the second a Heatwave Level 2.

Now when I get a curry I tend to go for a Madras or a Vindaloo, I like my food spicy.

Pizzas arrive and I put one randomly in the fridge and so end up going into my (not especially well lit) room to eat the Heatwave.

I managed 2 whole slices before giving up, thinking maybe I might find it more palletable in the morning (because you always do with dodgy takeaway food naturally...)

Next morning, wake up, don't feel good, go to toilet.

Blood in my poo, that doesn't normally happen, somethings not quite right here.

Get showered, go look at the pizza and literally the entire top of the pizza was mustard, not the 'generous drizzle' promised in the menu, the whole thing was coated.

Remember in Alan Partridge where he eats a spoonful of mustard, I can only imagine it tasted like that.

I still tried to clean the mustard off the top of another slice and eat that, but it was a lost cause and so went in the bin. For a student thats a powerful statement!
(UranusHertz is interested in astronomy and electronics, Sun 20 May 2007, 0:52, Reply)

Oh Mum! really...
My Mum has just told me the worst thing ever...

She knew a guy known as Beastie who for a dare, had a dump on a slice of bread, turned it into a sandwich and ate it...

She also said that the same guy had a dump in an old boot, added beer and drank it.

As a child she told the boy next door to drink bleach.

My Mum is a fucking minger and she just said that the bleach also had worms in it too. My Mum the poisoner. She also dared the same boy to put glue down his cock. He was rushed to hospital apparently...

She is still laughing about this forty five years after the event.

No wonder I grew up weird...
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sat 19 May 2007, 23:38, Reply)

terrible food
While at uni I had a friend come to stay with my folks back home.

Three years later after we had all graduated I got an Postcard from my friend who was trekking around the world. He had stopped in China to send us "Is your Mum's cooking still bland?"

That was all the post card said.

I thought that he was being overly nice with that comment too!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sat 19 May 2007, 23:28, Reply)

Cadbury Drinking Cocoa
Without water or milk or anything, tastes fantastic.





But it glues your mouth together. Useful for Children and Grandparents you want to euthanise.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Sat 19 May 2007, 23:19, Reply)