Please use the brush
A few months ago I used the toilets at a petrol station (never the most sanitary of places) and was aghast to see that the handle of the toilet brush was smeared with sh*t, complete with a tapered dab on the end, just in case you were in any doubt as to how it had got that way.
(Plyck, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 16:10, Reply)

Another one brought up by Asian toilets
On the side of efficiency and luxury, many women's toilets have a button you press while you relieve yourself in order to cover up any unwomanly noises. And even better, they're programmed to make the sound of flowing water.

I figure someone's gonna invent one for the men's washroom that amplifies the sound.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 15:59, Reply)

Explosive
Many years ago I worked in a Victorian era shop, complete with Victorian era plumbing. Above the shop was a small area with a toilet and above that a small flat with another toilet - we referred to the toilets as "trap one" and "trap two" respectively.

One bitterly cold winter the pipes that carried the effluent away became frozen, resulting in a severe backing up of material in trap one. So, we did what anybody would do under the circumstances: we used trap two until that became dangerously full too.

Eventually the thaw came - but, unfortunately, this didn't result in a graceful drop of the toilet water levels, instead it produced an explosive discharge. The first we knew was when a large section of the ceiling plaster came down on the shop counter followed by several gallons of a liquid that was mostly water.

When I opened the door to look upstairs I was greeted by a miniature tsunami of effluent coming down the stairs being surfed by several week old turds.
(ottaky, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 15:46, Reply)

non s*** based tale!
first) my mate going upstairs when stoned beyond sensible limits, which was his usual so not expecting the horrendous crash as he hit the floor/bath/wall. trousers round ankles, bits out, blacked out. i didn't tell anyone anything other than he fell to save his blushes as i woke him up. when he told everyone he had his pants down and i'd seen his bits they were like 'what?!'. he couldn't believe i'd been tactful... hehe the look on his face when he realised he could have got away with it made it all the funnier :)

second) imagine explaining to our good officers of the law (who had dropped in to check a 'notorious' place of small country housing) why i was standing in my underpants and wide brim hat, in the doorway of a public toilet, with only a ciggie and a damp spinach and nut roll for comfort...

i had in actual fact got so incredibly rained on while hitching through the night that i was ringing out my clothes in the basins and thought, as it was out of the way and near dawn, that it would be a perfect location to get a little downtime out of the rain without other customers becoming shocked. still think of it as one of my luckiest escapes.
i've never told anyone this :)
(unlawful odour i dunno..., Mon 5 Sep 2005, 15:45, Reply)

Toilets in central China
After reading an earlier post about toilets in Mongolia, it reminded me of a trip to central China last year. I was about 40 miles outside the city of pingdinshan, travelling through a village of lime burning, photographing the industry. The toilets there consist of a hut with a foot wide slit in the ground, which feeds to a trough outside. The trough is full of excrement and thousands of maggots. These in turn are eaten by a number of plump chickens.

I got eggs and chicken for dinner that night.
( Milkman Dan, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 15:44, Reply)

hiding in outhouse
Earlier this summer...

Man Pulled From Women's Outhouse Tank
Teenager Reports Seeing Man's Face In Toilet

www.thewmurchannel.com/news/4662061/detail.html
POSTED: 4:56 pm EDT June 28, 2005
UPDATED: 6:05 pm EDT June 28, 2005

ALBANY, N.H. -- A man is facing charges after police said they pulled him from a tank under a women's toilet that was filled with human waste.

Man Apparently Entered Tank Through Toilet
Police said that Gary Moody, 45, was under a log cabin outhouse off the Kancamagas Highway in Albany.

"You can draw your own conclusions as to the conditions we encountered," said Capt. John Hebert, of the Carroll County Sheriff's Department.

Police said that they got a call from the parents of a teenage girl who said that when she went to use the facilities, she saw Moody's face staring back at her from the hole.

Moody was hosed off before police cuffed him.

"It's a very filthy environment, and before we put anybody in contact with him, we had to decontaminate him," Hebert said. "We treated him as if he were hazardous material."

Hikers using the outhouse on Tuesday said that the story was enough to make their stomachs turn.

"He just must be sick to put yourself in that muck. Disgusting," said Harriett Voysey, of New Jersey.

Police said they don't know how long Moody was in the tank, but they said the door to it was locked, which means he must have gone in through the toilet. They said they don't know why he was there.

"I started this business in 1980, and I have never in my career encountered anybody in this type of situation," Hebert said.

Police charged Moody with criminal trespass, and they said he could face more charges. He is out on bail and due back in court next month.

-- This was released shortly after:


www.rednova.com/news/oddities/179926/outhouse_man_says_he_was_looking_for_ring/

"He told me that he was changing clothes when he dropped his wedding ring into he toilet," Carroll County Sheriff's Capt. Jon Herbert wrote. "He said the ring was very valuable and he did not want to return home without it."

The officer reported Moody said he dropped into the tank through the toilet opening to search for the ring, and hid, out of embarrassment, when someone came into the outhouse.

Police screened the sewage and said they found no rings.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 15:41, Reply)

My dad says the funniest things sometimes....
The other day, he said 'God i have got the worst diarrhea ever. I sat down for a dump this morning and the shit was so runny, when I stood up I was surrounded by a brown mist.'
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 15:36, Reply)

Fresh breath poo
Several years ago now I got utterly totalled at a friends BBQ and after imbibing a dangerous selection of bottled beers we slid into that most catastrophic phase of drinking "the spirits cabinet".

I proceeded to drink a whole bottle of Get 27 mint liquer to myself. Which is a vivid green colour.

My ablutions the following morning were quite something. The stools, whilst not being remarkable in size/shape/texture had an errie green glow to them, smelled strongly of mint and left my body with what I can only describe as a "cool menthol tingle".

I also had a scary lack of a hangover
(ColdLazarus, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 15:35, Reply)

On a ferry trip to france when I was only just a teen
the weather was a little choppy, causing the boat to rock and sway.

After going to the loo I went a got my friends to point out the hilarious turd rolling around the toilet floor from under the cubicles as the boat rocked from side to side.

I didn't tell them it was me that laid it though.
(ryushi, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 15:27, Reply)

Thank you Mr Jack Daniels
It was christmas eve. I was about 18. I was designated driver for the evening. Once back at my girlfriend's mum's house I proceded to drink half a bottle of Jack Daniels to try and catch everyone up. Obviously I black out. All I can remember is getting up to be sick, and going into the toilet and then feeling a little cold in my sleep. What had actually happened was I'd fallen asleep in the toilet, naked as the day i was born. My girl's brother had got up to go in the night and couldn't get in as my corpse was blocking the door, so he and his mother had shouldered the door open and she'd had to carry me back to bed. The Mum spent the rest of my relationship questioning exactly what her daugther saw in such a small young boy...
(Chicken Amygdala, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 15:18, Reply)

close one
I fell asleep in my girlfriend's parents' loo once. drunk, obviously. starkers too, somehow. my girlfriend hammered on the door to wake me up. her mum came out of her room for a minute to see what was going on. as she turned her back, I opened the door in all my nekked glory - obviously shrivelled from the booze. thankfully, she didn't see.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 15:07, Reply)

The horror, god the horror.
It would have been Year 6 in Primary school. Sat in a maths lesson, a kid in the year below put his hand up and asked to go to the loo. Teacher let him.

About 30 minutes later he reappears looking ashen-faced. Teacher asks if he's ok, he says he's fine. Very quiet for the last half of the lesson though.

Leaving for break, we find the reason why. There's a strange smell radiating from the boy's loos, and at that time there were no doors, you could look right in, though there were doors on stalls.

My male friends wander in and come back out again with a look of utter horror I have not seen again to this day.

They dragged me in to look, and the kid had somehow managed to shit all over the cubicle. All over the seat, door, walls and floor.

It was beyond horrendous.

The best bit was leaving that day to find our headteacher hunched over in the cubicle, marigolds on, up to her elbows in liquid shit because the caretaker was away on holiday.
(sporky, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 15:01, Reply)

"Oi lads, look over here"
Four of us were camping by a stream, got drunk, woke up with a hangover. Suddenly, we hear, "Oi lads, look over here", from one of the lads. We turn round to see a massive turd hanging from his prized-open arsehole. The three of us, aghast, vomited.

Later on, the same lad threw up a white hairball of unknown origin.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 14:59, Reply)

This one's not exactly a toilet one...
I used to live in a nice apartment building in Canada a few years ago. There was an indoor swimming pool and barely anybody used it. Me and my ex-girlfriend used to go there weekly, more for foreplay than for swimming.

Then it closed for three weeks. When it reopened, we went swimming again. That night, it was closed again.

The next day, I saw the landlord at the pool, putting up a sign. It said "Due to defecation, this pool will be closed until further notice." So I asked him what happened.

"Someone shit in the pool," he said.

Yeah, so now I'm forced to imagine swimming around while there was a log sitting at the bottom of the pool somewhere. Whenever I went swimming after that, I'd do a quick check to make sure there were no logs floating in the pool.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 14:57, Reply)

London
When I was doing my A-levels many years ago, I decided to join the physics class for three weeks to get myself a free trip to London (being from Newcastle, this was something of a novelty) with three mates who were already doing physics.

So we went to London for this physics convention thing. Went out and got pissed in the evening (I think we broke into Hyde Park or something that night too) , came back with a bottle of vodka and various other stupid drinks (20/20 etc.). Snorted the vodka and finished the other shit. Spewed all over the room (I was even sick in the safe) then went out to buy cleaning products to clear up our vomit smeared room. Cleaning operation over, me and one mate passed out in our room. Then the other two went back to their room and passed out there.

So, we're woken up in the morning by the teacher for day two of this conference thing. Thankfully our room was now spotless. We met the other two looking sheepish downstairs. We left the hotel.

Half way through the day they confessed to us that one of them had decided to lay a massive beige log in the bath in the middle of the night. Neither of them would admit it or could remember who it was. And they hadn't cleaned it up because every time one of them went in the bathroom, they'd be sick from the smell.

We laughed for the rest of the day and went back to the hotel in the evening. To find our teacher, red-faced, standing at the reception with the hotel manager.

Apparently, the very simple ruse of putting the 'do not disturb' sign on the door hadn't stopped the maid from going into the room. She'd opened the bathroom door, seen the puke covered turd lying there, like some hideous banana-split from hell, and fainted instantly.

Not hearing anything from her colleague for a while, another maid went in to see what was up.

She fainted too.

They both had to be sent home and took a week off.

And the moral of this little story? Simple; never shit in the bath.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 14:55, Reply)

I'm from Lewes...
...and in 26 years I've never found any porn in the public toilets.

I spent one summer working in the kitchens at the Glyndebourne opera house (As pretty much everyone round here does). Going to the toilet was always a nervous affair as more often than not as you were sitting there either a bucket of iced water would come over the door or a rook scarer (Proper bangers, none of that French shit) would come under the door. If you very unlucky, both.

One day the head chef decides to teach one particularly irksome kp a lesson. Said kp goes into the toilets for a shit and the chef follows him, along with about five of us going to watch. The chef pulls out not a rookie but a thunderflash, the kind of banger the army use to blind enemy soldiers in trenches apparently.

The fuse is lit and the banger rolled under the door which flys open as the kp bolts from the cubicle, trousers round his ankles and a turd half pinched out of his derrick.

It was more of a boom than a bang and bits of porcelain exploded across the toilet as the bowl was wiped out.

Suffice to say that was the last time military explosives were used for practical jokes at Glyndebourne.
(Ed Can Do, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 14:53, Reply)

France this time
I was out in the boondoos of France in a little country pub. Now, I knew French people liked to smoke, but having an overflowing ashtray on the toilet cistern is a bit much.

Edit: For those wanting to know, the little ledges in European toilets, or 'shit shelves' if you will, are for health reasons - namely examining the consistency of bowel movements.
( eponymous Oh!, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 14:31, Reply)

Kuntry Bumpkins
Was at a midsomers night party in darkest Wales (mold) with a pretty mixed bunch of people, from down toearth folk to real deliverance types, all is well smoked some chuff, got bevvied, etc etc.. Now we were staying in a farm house of my friends which we had the party in, so in the morning most people had gone but some stuck around, my mates making breakfast when theres this thumping noise from upstairs, then exasperated shouting. Imagine Jessie from the Fast Show, Ok, jessie decides to come down the stairs and proclaim, in the broadest Cornish accent, "'ave ya gort a bukka worrah, deez new toilarts are'nt built for a maaans bowels"

The toilet was blocked for 2 days by this mans beastly excretions!
(SkinnyBoy, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 14:21, Reply)

Whoops
Once worked at a well known car breakdown company and we had a phantom Monday morning masher. Every Monday someone would use trap 1 and leave this huge log that was guaranteed to block the trap for the rest of the week.

Even the cleaners were getting fed up with this, and after numerous weeks of this, one Tuesday morning, we found a note stuck to the inside of the trap. It read "When you have finished would you please use the toilet brush.".

A sensible enough request I suppose, except some wag had added "I tried - but it hurt my arse - so I will continue to use the paper".

Ouch.
(anthorin, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 13:59, Reply)

Brit abroad
It was a long drive across france - on the way to Avoriaz for skiing and what have you. As you all know, the french have jolly nice lay-bys, each one unique and with it's own charm.

Any how - me and my mate were very, very keen to pee...so pulled in at the next stop...parked and ran into the loos - we were faced with a completely tiled room with a drain running around the edge - unusual we thought, we obviously just have to pee up the wall and it all drains away around the edge. So we do, and it's a real horse-piss...just as I relax into it, it notice a movement to one side, and a French bloke carefully shuffles his family through the foyer where we were pissing, no doubt wondering why we couldn't make the last few metres to the loos inside the building!
( windsorphil, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 13:59, Reply)

Boarding school shenanigans
At my boarding school, Kendall Grange, there were five cottages instead of a big dorm (small school really.) and a lot of wacky shit happened in the Saint Mary cottage, as i was staying there.i'll try to remember as much as i can, but it was 5 years ago.

-Cling-film (Saran wrap) was streched across the toilet weekly, sometimes the lightbulb was removed
-the most god-awful smears were caused by Nathan shitting, facing the cistern
-blood was found on the seat (turned out to be from a nosebleed i had.)
-Someone (i STILL don't know who) put a baby Leatherjacket in the shitter (alot of the people there were into fishing, the school was on Lake Macquarie.also, the fish died rather quickly)
-someone shat in the cistern
-A friend of mine's pokemon cards (about 1000, his parents were loaded) were dropped in the crapper, the prick who did it was made to pay for them
-to worry the teachers, i left my tackle box behind the toilet(it fucking stank, i kept my bait in it and regularly forgot to put the bait in the freezer)
-shit smeared on the door handle, this happened twice in one month
-my girlfriend at the time (i was year 3, she was year 6! ha! she was hot too!) told me that the one boy in the girl's cottage (he had a seperate room as he always smelt of shit) clogged the toilet with his shitty pants, trying to hide the evidence
-whilst on an outing to a small fair/fete/festival thing, one of my classmates needed a shit, as you do.so off he strolled to the portaloo.whilst he was in there, we slid the shitter to a nearby teacup ride, while holding the door shut tight and put the door side up against the steel railing.he begged us to let him out, while screaming about his pipe-blocker stinking and trying to open the door.we did let him out eventually.by tipping the shitter over.luckily, there was a man watering some plants nearby...*

Beaudon, if you read this, I know you stole my Donkey Kong 3 Game Boy cartridge.

edit:I've heard of those german toilets before (you know, with the ledge) and i was wondering what the hell that ledge is for?
edit:thanks for the info eponymous...even if it is some rather sickening info.
edit:*it seems that the carnival thing was harder to explain than i thought.especially at 2 am.
(That guy with a hat., Mon 5 Sep 2005, 13:57, Reply)

Shitting in the bidet
On a school ski trip to Italy last year, I was in the company of seven other people from my year, all of whom I would consider friends. We were in four rooms of two. They all had ensuite bathrooms, complete with bidet, although I can't begin to fathom the sort of person who would actually use such a device. I had the questionable fortune of sharing a room and, this being Europe, bed, with a friend who managed to do a grand total of nine shits in three days, four of them being on our first full day. And these were properly big and ones, too, with all the smell that is associated with such grand bowel movements.

But while our friends were impressed, as no doubt you are too, that was not the main toilet event that single-handedly made the trip worthwhile. No. One of my friends has something of a friendly vendetta against one of my other friends, the latter of whom is almost universally known as 'Egg'. They were sleeping in different rooms, and so for the first four days of the trip, friend number one almost constantly threatened: "Egg, I'm going to shit in your bidet."

Friend number one then had a dilemma. He was not going to back out of such a brilliant idea that could yield such hilarious results, but on the other hand he knew if he went through with it then he would be the one who would have to clear it up, as everyone would know that it was him that did it. So, on the fifth day, he devised a plan.

When everyone else had hit the town (translation: gone to buy illicit and umfeasibly cheap beer), the deed was done. Egg returned to the hotel to cries of "Egg, Egg, look what I've done in your bidet!"

Egg dashed upstairs, followed shortly by the rest of us ready for a bit of toilet related amusement, to be greeted with the sight of a slimy, sticky, runny brown mess staring up at him smugly from the porcelain bowl. Much mirth ensued, except on the part of Egg and his roommate who were understandably fairly pissed off. To add to this, the guilty party flatly refused to get rid of the offending article. Egg then took matters into his own hands and went and told our history teacher, the man in charge of the trip.

It may seem to you at this point that bidet besmircher was in for a bollocking and shitty hands. But no. You see, what he had done, instead of actually do a shit, was thouroughly chew up a kit kat (or possibly two. You know, for effect) and spit the gunky mess into the bidet. Ingenious. So, after being so unceremoniously grassed up, he went to our history teacher and explained this.

It should be said, at this point, that our history teacher is a real man's man, with more broken fingers than unbroken ones, a 6' frame, an immobile wrist from when the glass smashed after an undefined number of tequila slammers, and still has the dents in the roof of his car from when he turned it over on the school drive.

So, the history teacher, now in on the joke, commanded, with more than a slight smile on his face, that Egg should be the one to clear up the mess. Sadly, I can't remember how the story concluded, as I was laughing too hard at my friend's misfortune.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 13:40, Reply)

Professional Pissing
After getting thoroughly pissed one night in London last summer I went back to a friends office to order a taxi. Sitting with the security guard we were highly amused as a rather senior person, from this rather well known (begins with Goldman) financial establishment fails to find her access card and proceeds to drop her knickers and piss outside the front door before falling over and spewing.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 13:32, Reply)

Caravan Holiday
A friend of mine took a huge dump. In the shower. Resulting in the entire caravan stinking of shit the whole afternoon.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 13:25, Reply)

skiv
Urm, it's not a fantastic story I guess - but it sticks with me out of the shame for what I'd do for money.

It was back in high school, and I'd just, not to put too finer point on it, had really smelly, chemical-yellow wee. As I stood up and pulled up my hidious grey school-uniform trousers, out fell my £2 lunch money into the bowl. Back in those days I didn't really have a wallet, and that £2 was the ONLY way I could have bought any lunch... And I was a 13 year old who liked her food....

... So, cue an image that will stay with me forever - my chubby self, kneeling on the damp toliet floor, up to my elbow in my own piss, scrabbling in the back of the bowl for my measly £2, praying that's all I would find.
Can't even remember if I washed it before I spent it :|

I'm also quite ashamed to admit that this is the funniest QOTW I've read in a long time, I'm so purile....

Oh - PS - have also had lesbian sex in various toliets during my life, I suppose some of these stories would be more interesting, but I'm not the type to kiss and tell :P
(jaffafairy, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 13:24, Reply)

On a train from Budapest through the Vienna,
my fiancee and I were celebrating our recent engagement by using the lovely Hungarian on-train toilet facilities together, and were mid-romp when a loud knock was heard at the door. This was followed by 'Tickets Please' in Hungarian. To which we replied 'whine!'.

Did we stop and get out? No, we did the only natural thing and carried on for a good five minutes until we were happy, then got cleaned up. About 8 minutes after the guy had knocked on the door, I opened it, looking quite hot and flustered (mid summer train toilet with no windows).

Who was standing there? The ticket inspector. The bloke had stood there, waiting for us to finish, just to stamp our tickets. What worried me was the fact that he had a huge grin on his face. What worried me even more was the fact that he had already checked our tickets, and there hadn't been a stop since then.

Pervert.
(lat297, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 13:24, Reply)

I'm quite paranoid about catching things in public toilets, to the point of;
I do absolutely everything with a tissue on my hand. I walk into the cubical, pull off FOUR sheets of toilet roll (PEOPLE HAVE LONG ARMS!!) and put them in the loo, then I get another bit - and shut and lock the door with it, then I pee (I don't need to hold /myself/ with tissues), then I unlock the door with paper, flush with another peice of loo roll (chucking it in quickly so it flushes), and open the door with my foot. If I am in need of hand-washing I will either use my sleeve to turn the tap on, or again, bring out some paper. :(

I also had my first experience of being used AS a toilet the other day; manipulating female genitals whilst they are weeing can (I KNOW NOW) result in the piss-stream aiming precisely into your mouth. Fruity! Thankfully in the bath at the time!
( stevierar, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 12:57, Reply)

Posted a similar story before, but
My mate in college, will call him Mike, cos that was his name. Every time one of our mates had a birthday he would go round collecting money for a diesel (half pint of shorts/half pint of guiness). So when it came to his birthday, everyone was more than happy to give money, i think we ended up with 28 quid and a pint of shorts with no room for any guiness. Anyway, fair dos, he necked the pint and half an hour later passed out. Well two mates carried him home, where i turned up an hour later. Mike was lying in the hallway asleep with a blanket over him and evryone else was in the living room laughing. Apparently when they got him home, he pronounced he need a shite. So a mate took him to the bog and helped him get his trousers down. Half hour later there is no answer from the bathroom, so mate kicks the locked door in. Mike has fallen, mid-shit head first into the bath and is currently asleep, arse in the air with a big turd half hanging out of his arse. To cries of 'you dirty fucker', he wakes up and pulls his pants up.
Oh what great memories.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 12:51, Reply)

Texas...
Is another place not to go dressed in a Wedding Dress to a Truckers stop at 3am...To stand next to a 6ft 6 brickshithouse redneck mother fucker who looks me up and down...And I, surprisingly, didn't suffer from stagefright managed to lift wedding dress and piss....

I came out to half a dozen similar persons of redneck origins going "sheeat, that fuckers' wearin' a fuckin' dress"...

Those immortal words "You'll never get out of here ALIVE" were running through my head" and after a brief explanation for it (New Orleans, Mardi Gras) I picked up the hem of the dress and skipped out of the stop, across the courtyard and on to the bus...To see everyone gobsmacked that I hadn't changed...

The next bloke on after me, explained the only reason I wasn't stabbed/raped/murdered/taken home to the rest was because they didn't believe they'd seen it and I was too brash about it.

So, word of warning, blokes in dresses don't go to Texas.
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Mon 5 Sep 2005, 12:40, Reply)

Mongolia...
Has possibly the worst toilets I have ever been in...

Now most of Asia (and quite rightly, it is good for your legs and body) squats for the toilet...

And considering that Mongolia is the size of Germany, Italy, France and Spain has only about 80 miles of road leads some idea that the flushing toilet hasn't quite reached there...

So they have...holes in the ground, surrounded by a hut...And over the holes, two planks...one for each foot...

A number of times I ended up retching at these places and a few times it was cleaner to piss/shit outside the hut than in it...The worst times were those moments that you peer in to the blackness and have no idea how much shit is down there...And then you squat and feel drops splashing against your arse...Anyhow...

I broke my leg and had to hop everywhere - we were 12 days from Ulan...Everyone on the trip went inside some lovely house to eat and I hadn't shit properly for days...So decided to take my time and the opportunity for letting the world fall out of my bottom...

I hopped on to the board, and got ready to stick my left leg out to the side in readiness for a one-legged, two-armed squat...To hear a crack on the board...

There was that moment of "I'm going to die in a load of shit" that run through my mind, along with an image of me neck deep in shit, feeling it all around my body...

Thankfully, and possibly the reason I now have a screwed left foot, I legged (sic) out of the hut...

The damn plank had indeed cracked...and I shat outside...
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Mon 5 Sep 2005, 12:35, Reply)