bogs in the channel tunnel ("Scratchy " "reply" and "why won't you buy)
Scratchy, sorry to have to correct you. You can't drive through the channel tunnel as it is only for trains. However you can drive your car onto a special train that will take you through the tunnel where you can drive of it at the other end. These trains do have toilets, I know as I have shat in one.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 15:20, Reply)

Swindon Railway Station
One Xmas waiting to pick up the love of my life - the train was delayed, and I realised I needed to evacuate, so I trundled off to the facilities, and did my usual load - THEN I noticed no bog roll..Panic strikes... Then I remeber the old solution - till receipts - search my wallet, and I have.... 1 till receipt...and 1 ticket for that summers Big Day Out/OzzFest/Monsters of Rock - I use the till receipt, I use the ticket, and I have shitty fingers..but I feel okay...until I come to clean up - and there is no soap....

I was dumped on new Years Eve....
(Rockster77, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 15:00, Reply)

Highest Crap in the world?
The Grand Moulet hut on the side of Mont Blanc has a spectacular loo. On the aproach side - the hut stands on top of a sharks fin of rock with a scramble to get to it. Even though it is 20 degrees below at night the loo is a standard french hole in the ground and outside around the back. It all looks ok until you get in there and peer down the hole. Then you realise you have walked out onto a concrete platform with a thousand foot drop below you. If that doesnt take the urge away from you the cold wind coming up the hole has a shrinking affect. Anyway I needed a crap so I hung my arse over the hole and hung on like hell to the bar on the back of the door (no lock!) I must have been a spoddy science student at the time cause it was second poop in as I watched it spiral down onto the glacier below - I wondered if you could acurately guage the drop by timing how long your shit took to hit the ice below. Ahh but what is the terminal velocity of an average turd?
(dangerousdave, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 14:58, Reply)

Possibly the worst night of your life....
A Classic tale of booze, poo, vomit and fighting.

Whilst at Newcastle uni, one of my mates used to go out and get twatted on a regular basis. No surprises there. But one night he and his mates had gone on a particularly fruitful Leo Sayer and had ended up in reasonably classy nightclub.

All was going well until one of said mates had realised the days proceedings had caught up with him and that a mighty vomit was imminent. Off he rushes to the bogs only to find that all the cubicle doors are locked and taken.

For those of us who have also been in this torrid situation and there are only a couple of options open to you:

1) Tell yourself to get a grip, take deep breaths and try to hold it in till it either goes away or a toilet becomes available.

2) Think "Fucksocks" and just let rip in the nearest sink/urinal/trough/floor.

So which option does said friend choose?

In fact he chose secret option 3 which involves walking aimlessly around the bogs and then decide to boot one of the cubicle doors in to projectile vomit several gallons of Snakey B, redecorating the inside of the toilet a speckly purple. Unfortunately there just happens to be one large, now very pissed off, Geordie with trousers round ankles, curling one out.

Now what do you do here? Say sorry and leg it to avoid the imminent beating?

No, you get your punches in first whilst he's defenceless, break his nose and cover him in his own blood.

Then leg it.

Let's face it, if you're that guy who has just been covered in sick and got beaten up whilst trying to have a quiet turd, you've had a shit night.

What do you say to your mates when you return to the bar?
(Roy Horn, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 14:47, Reply)

my bro lived with a guy at uni
who got meningitis. he was fine but they all got given loads of hefty drugs to stop them getting it. it turned all of their piss the colour of iron bru. they got alll their friends from other flats to come and look
( bertisfantastic bert is a sleepy bear, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 14:42, Reply)

Squat Pots
I've used squat pots during my time over here in Japan, but I frikking hate them!
They've always got piss on the floor, so you get it on your pants legs, and there's no way I can bloody use 'em when I'm pissed, or chuck-up in them! I've only tried once to shit in one, and just couldn't bring myself to.

My branch is in a department store in Japan. The toilets are a combo of Western loos & Japanese squatties. Quite a few times, we've walked past the squatties, to be greeted by the sight of logs, balls and splatters sitting just past the end of the hole in the floor.

Sure, it's a little difficult, but a/. the locals should be bloody used to using the squatties by now, and b/. why the fook don't the dirty buggers clean it up?

Most enjoyable thing I've ever done in a toilet? Well, I did my (now-ex) boyfriend, disabled toilets, near the Myer Music Bowl, Melbourne Botanical Gardens.
Highly recommended, due to the fact that we kept seeing perves spying on those couples too horny to move from the grass.
(Celerydemon, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 14:34, Reply)

Graffitti related
Someone had written "FREE CATALONIA"
Underneath that someone else had written "yoo wot?!"
Underneath that someone else had written "Idiot! Have you never heard of Basque Separatism?"
Underneath that someone had drawn a huge penis and written "a cock" with a handy arrow, just in case.
(I'm afraid of wet bread, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 14:33, Reply)

More on luminous wee...
I've had one of those angiograms too.
Even without the anti-skaggie lighting it's like pissing highlighter pen ink.
And it makes your skin and eyeballs bright yellow so everyone stares when you leave the hospital to go home.





No apologies for length, girth, funny rash, or lack of relevance.
(Elizabeth Duke at Argos, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 14:25, Reply)

Oven Gloves
While on a Rugby Tour in Suffolk we were having a social p155 up at our host's club after getting our regulation stuffing on the pitch. I happened to notice one of the "fat-boy" front-row emerging from the gents, very red in the face and giggling like a child with something tucked under his arm. He walked into the kichen and then headed towards me. "What's going on?" I asked. He replied that he'd just "shat in their oven gloves"!! He'd then proceeded to hang them back up on the cooker! As word got around our team there was a degree of disbelief so he decided to go and get them for proof. He'd just picked them up when a voice boomed out "Oi! You're not 'avin' them"! and they were snatched back, hung up again and the kitchen door shut and bolted. I'm not sure what's the more harrowing image....the look on the face of the next person to take the pies out of the oven or our 20 stone prop, bent over the toilet, trying to aim a log into the glove in the first place!
(Melkweg, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 14:22, Reply)

mefromhere - luminous wee
The reason for erry blue light in some hospital toilets is to stop smack addicts from jacking up, its lit that way so they can't see a vein. Sorry... just thought i'd let you all know!
(simpson, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 14:14, Reply)

As a urinal
I get a few interesting customers, but I remember when Rowan Atkinson came in to my public ablution dressed as a zip-covered young punk. As he was fairly desparate, he headed for the urine collector to the right of me; and had to search for his todger! Started at the Nether Regions, grasped, pulled, unzipped and searched for his Porker.

Failing this, his hands went lower, to zips on his thighs, above his shins; yet none could help him relieve himself. Now you'd never believe what'd happen next!

Grif Rhys Jones' entrance caused a fair old gushing stir amongst us pissoirs, and immediately the comedian prepared to relieve himself. Mr. Atkinson fumbled away next to me, but Mr. Jones methodically opened his briefcase and his warm Aqua Vitae SPURTED from the leather bag into my vast white urine receptor. Ahh.. just what's needed on a cold winter's night.

It wasn't the Nine o'Clock News, so obviously I didn't know what was going on. Even so, I'm not ashamed by the length.
(Benny A Last Nuclear meltdown:, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 14:10, Reply)

It really does happen!
In Lloyds Bar in Milton Keynes, I was having lunch with my girlfriend. It was particularly quiet that day and we were chatting about about all sorts of things. I brought up the fact that she has always said how naughty she is but had never really proved it to me. She said that she did live up to her word and would be prepared to prove it. Queue me asking for a blow-job in the loos. Expecting her to bottle it, she stood up walked towards the loos and asked if I was coming. Long story short, she is filthy and far naughtier than I could ever imagine (swallowed the lot!). Moving in with her next week, hope the fun continues.

Length, girth? I got what I deserved!
(McBollocks stop being so fucking pretentious., Wed 7 Sep 2005, 13:49, Reply)

'Reply' and 'Why won't you buy...'
I think 'reply' is thinking of a train travelling through a tunnel (which would have many toilets, yes) whereas 'why won't you buy...'s original story is referring to a car and driving through the tunnel... I haven't checked my facts either but I'm pretty sure there wouldn't be toilets in the tunnel.

or maybe its me that's confused??
(scratchy, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 13:33, Reply)

Glasses
I was once cycling around the depths of the poorest parts of Peru, during the cycle, if you needed to relieve youreself, you tried your best to find a tree or soemthing to hide behind. One day we were lucky enough to find a public toilet.

As I walk up the stairs in to the fly-filled, wooden, rotting and ridiculously smelling shed, I saw two metal feet places and a hole, all over the floor and the hole was shit, I look down to make sure my feet are positioned correctly and that I'm not going to piss all over myself, forgetting that my sunglasses were on my head. They fall off and get wedged in to the hole...

Dilemma time...do I retrieve them or leave them for the next person to find and laugh at me? Also, Peru is pretty sunny, could I go another coule of weeks without my glasses? No. Cue me finding a wet wipe from my bag and trying to fish them out, without covering myself in any poo at all...and withuot puking from the site and smell...
I did manage and with vast amounts of disinfecting wet wipes, I managed to rid my glasses of the poo.
Nice.
(wormeater, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 13:28, Reply)

telephones
mobile or walkabout phones don't go well with toilets.

I used to be responsible for answering the 'phone at my old job. It was a walkabout 'phone and I used to clip it to my waist and forget about it. Sometimes I'd have to answer the 'phone to clients and act as if I was not on the crapper - no plopping or flushing. Came close a few times....

Also my mate has a habit of accidentally phoning me with his mobile from his pocket. Occasionally I've picked up the 'phone to hear the unmistakable sound of a man urinating. Nice.
(teasus likes tea, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 13:07, Reply)

Luminous wee
A few years ago I had an eye condition and had to have an angiogram. They injected a dye into me and then took pictures of the blood vessels in my eye as the dye passed through. Before walking home from the hospital I thought I'd better go for a wee, so I went to the nearest toilet. For some unfathomable reason this toilet was lit by a single dim blue bulb, giving the room a rather ethereal quality. When I weed, the stream was full of the dye from the angiogram which was so flouescent that it lit up the whole room. Quite surreal.
When I got home my next visit to the toilet involved the whole family as everyone crowded round to see the flouescent wee.
(mefromhere, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 13:00, Reply)

Nice toilets
When I stayed in Cambodia in early 2001, I stayed at fairly civilised backpacker places with decent facilities. The toilets were awesome - Western-style toilets, but with a little hose that you used to squirt your bits with water instead of TP. Ohmigod. I have never, ever had such excellent personal hygeine. When I win Tattslotto and build a ridiculous mansion in Double Bay, it's going to have seven toilets, all with hoses.

Ironically, all the toilets in Cambodia that I encountered were quite decent. In Malaysia, I tried to go to the toilets in 10 Bintang Walk (a shopping mall). They had an automatic flush which was movement sensitive - the idea being that when you got up, it would flush itself. Unfortunately mine was malfunctioning. Not only was it flushing at the slightest provocation, it wasn't draining. I had to run out of there without wiping (no bidet hose either) before the whole place got covered in turdy water.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 12:50, Reply)

Mexican toilet
A few years ago when i was about 17 i worked in a school in mexico for a few weeks. The toilet they had there was an interesting affair, you had to walk up steps and poo through a hole in the floor and into a big pot of sorts. Went in there one night, pitch black except for my rather pathetic torch. Crouching over the hole i saw something move, shone my torch on it to see a huge (at least it seemed huge to me at the time) scorpion in the corner by the door, didn't think it was possible to run that fast whilst in full clench
(tomatosoup, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 12:45, Reply)

Not in a toilet but...
Out on the piss with a few mates in my tender years we headed off to one of the lads house in Strensall from the center of York. En route one by one we all needed to pump ship and stopped the car in the middle of a long straight piece of road to do the business. It was dark. Very dark.

For those of you who don't know York (and I hope for the sake of your sanity that's most of you) the area between Strensall and York is largely taken up by an army range and training ground. Picture the scene. A car stopped at the side of the road. Four pissed blokes unzipping jeans on the verge. A normal sight indeed. Before our eyes adjusted to the dark half a dozen bushes rose from the undergrowth and a posh voice called out, "If you piss on me I'll fucking shoot you".

I was the only one who got back in the car, my three mates having set off at a dead sprint up the road, one peeing himself as he ran!

We were almost a mile up the road before we caught them.

The funny thing is that every time I see the TA ads on telly where they are all dressed up pretending to be soldiers in camo gear, I want to go to the toilet.

Happy days indeed.
(Mediaslut, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 12:24, Reply)

just for reference
Most times when I've been for an Eartha (Eartha kitt...shit..geddit???) at work, I return to our two man department to utter the line..."Give the coastguard a ring and tell em it's on it's way"
(frightfullybored, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 12:12, Reply)

Toilets
Two toilet stories.

Recently on holiday in France in newly acquired motorhome (god my life is over) and I took the chemical toilet to the toilet block to empty. A singularly unpleasant task. Choosing the middle cubicle as the recipient of about 5 gallons of semi liquid waste I found myself between two straining but chatting germans. I unscrewed the cap and with a fluid and practised swing upended the canister into the toilet in what must have sounded like a seemingly endless bowel emptying movement.

The silence from the adjoining cubicles was only broken by me asking either side for toilet paper.

Secondly, I used to run a nightclub in a permanently middle aged northern town. One night I was clearing out the toilets when I found in the Ladies (a torridly disgusting place) two of the bar girls getting dirty with each other. One fire extinguisher and two P45s later the place was clear. The reason for such immediate action. One of the bar girls had but the night before whispered sweet endearments in my ear in the gents and I was not having any moral devients working for me.

Oh happy days.
(Mediaslut, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 11:23, Reply)

Dear 'Reply'
I presumed that there wasn't a toilet as I cannot fathom why she would not get out of the bloody car and go?!?!?!?!

Sorry, I didn't completely check my facts through : (

And I wish I was making it up... But alas, no x
( Argh. There be scallys in the ranks., Wed 7 Sep 2005, 11:14, Reply)

video shop jam rag and solitary pube
Whilst working (not actually doing any work) in a local video shop during my teens, I sneaked off to the bog to give birth to a regular council brown baby . After a minute or two of heaving I glanced to my left at the swing bin. Utter horror was the outcome as I focussed on the object that failed to trigger the 'swinging' action of the bin. Perched on the top of the bin was a jam rag, slightly skidded, with a pube (long) smack in the middle of it. This putrid object was only inches from my left knee. And to be quite honest it made me wretch because the host of this absorbent fanny blotter was a twenty five stone sweating behemoth called hazel who quite honestly put the 'fat' in "big fat pig'.
(dukefukem, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 11:06, Reply)

The Right Priorities
Overheard: Gatwick airport, 5.00AM, Men's toilets.

Man1 (to mate in cubicle) 'C'mon Andy!'
Man2 (in a voice that conveys the boundless, if strained, patience of an old friendship)
'Barry, I'm on the toilet.'
'Well squeeze it out!'
'No! It'll sting!'

Cue the twat in the next cubucle (yours truly) trying not to laugh his nads off. It made the holiday! :P
(JackB, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 11:02, Reply)

Dear "Why won't you buy me a pony?"
Lies - there are toilets on the channel tunnel - at least one on every carriage.

I reckon you either

a) made it up, or
b) your real surname is Scat.
(Reply, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 11:02, Reply)

The dodgy stomach and the Channel Tunnel
This does not involve a toilet, although if it did it would have been alot less traumatic.

My Dad and I have decided that for my Gran's birthday we would take her over to Paris for the day, using the Channel Tunnel as our route of choice. Now, we all know that it is lacking a suitable ventilation system (being a tunnel and all).

To cut a long story short, my Gran had a developed a SEVERE case of the shits just as we enter the tunnel and being in a car in the tunnel means that you do not have access to a toilet. Brilliant.

So, my Dad and I are stuck, heaving, while trying not to draw attention to the fact that I want to be violently sick (this is because my Dad thinks that she would be offended if we let on that we knew she had just completely soiled herself all over his brand new BMW 3 series).

Needless to say upon arriving in France, after going straight to Boots, buying all the necessary medical supplies (and what did I buy? Air freshner. Not for the car, for my pillow, so I could stick my nose in it all the way home.) we turn the car around and went straight back home.

Best day out EVER.

I can't believe I just told you all that.
( Argh. There be scallys in the ranks., Wed 7 Sep 2005, 10:54, Reply)

The TGI Buffalo
This is one of the most scariest moments in my childhood. At the grand old age of 6 my family and I took ourselves off to TGI Fridays (we have since aquired a little more class and taste) Half way through our meal I toddle off to the 'Ladies' and have a small, child sized wee. Now if you have been to the TGI's in Reading you will know that there is a HUGE Buffalo head above the entrance to the toilets, it took me so long to get the courage up to go under this 'Thing' and eventually just made a run for it.

After finishing up I try to open the loo door, alas I find that my teeny tiny hands are unable to unlock it, in a fit of panic I..... Do absolute bugger all (WTF?) thinking that eventually my parents will realise that I am in great danger and come and rescue me. FORTY minutes later they decide to see if I'm alright, which by this point I am very much NOT. And how do they fix this little lock problem? They go and get what seemed to be EVERY single bloody member of TGI staff to come and try and open the door. Eventually it budges, clearing the way for a very tear stained child, feeling rather abandoned, to exit the ladies. Only to have another breakdown under the Buffalo and apparently being so convinced that it was, in fact, this beast that locked me in the toilet.

This may not sound scary but to a six year old girl with a highly over active imagination, it was.

Fact.
( Argh. There be scallys in the ranks., Wed 7 Sep 2005, 10:42, Reply)

French Holiday
When I was 18 I went on holiday to France with my brother and cousin. We drove down to the Dordogne.
On the way back we stopped at a public toilet next to the autoroute for a piss.
I went in ahead of my brother and then he came in and stood at the next urinal. The toilet was otherwise deserted.
I finished up before him and went off.
He looked down at his old boy and let out a groan 'Christ, I've got an enormous mosquito bite on my COCK!'.

He looked up for some kind of brotherly condolence, to find I had left and that there was a complete stranger standing at the next urinal!
Boy did he run fast out of there!
(dansie, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 10:29, Reply)