Save money on Christmas decorations
Don't buy any, you miserable bastard

You know who you are
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 7:19, Reply)

On a mental health nursing course?
For a piss-easy relaxing residency placement, volunteer to do it at Gotham Mental Health Trust's Arkham Asylum.
(NecroMage crippled autism on, Tue 18 Dec 2012, 2:11, Reply)

Save £££s
by spitting your mouthwash back into the bottle after you've used it!
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Mon 17 Dec 2012, 19:36, Reply)

Lower your blood pressure,
by not giving a shit about whether or not a search function is available for an inconsequential website.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 17 Dec 2012, 10:01, Reply)

People looking up in the sky...
...If you can't tell the difference between a bird, a plane and a man in tights and a cape, best keep your mouth shut, otherwise you may look stupid!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sat 15 Dec 2012, 16:22, Reply)

no bog roll?
Ever had a dump then realized there's no toilet paper to hand?
..always throw a couple of sheets of toilet paper down the toilet to stop splash-back and help keep it clean,that way you,ll know there's paper already there.
(andycrass loves two hats on, Sat 15 Dec 2012, 4:15, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Ladies....
Had unprotected sex on a Saturday night and only able to obtain the morning after pill on a Monday?

Simply rinse out your mimsy with thin bleach. This also has the additional benefit of potentially warding off STD's.
( Muns, Fri 14 Dec 2012, 14:26, Reply)

Administrators of this site.
Avoid the need for a search function by banning every visitor from posting anything, and deleting all previous content.
(username failed moderation, Fri 14 Dec 2012, 11:48, Reply)

Moderators of puerile digital communities
Use your members' stuff to fill out your weekly newsletter, then publish completely made-up bollocks about the contributors for no reason whatsoever.

For extra points, when the contributors politely enquire as to what you're on about, ignore them completely.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 14 Dec 2012, 10:24, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Going on a hot date? Make sure you freshen up your urethra first using a pipecleaner soaked in bleach.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 23:34, Reply)

Ruling elites
Make your secret services invent a load of stupid, over the top and easily debunk-able conspiracy theories. You know stuff stuff that requires you to have seemingly superhuman powers, involves strange reptilian beings from different dimensions, includes cover ups of great disasters that will never end up happening (a good one would be that a new planet, call it Nibiru or something, will collide with the Earth on 21 dec 2012). Then have these conspiracy theories pasted all over the internet.

Then whenever anyone tries to tell people what you're really getting up to no one will believe them.
(theteddybearofhate, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 22:02, Reply)

Employ a search facility specifically for B3ta
by using the site directive in google e.g:

moose pens site:www.b3ta.com
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 15:03, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

amuse youself on public transport
after a sneeze, or maybe a couple, and notice you were seen. look at the person and casually, jokily say 'fucking AIDS man, ha ha, does this to you lol, then turn around really fast. dependant on the persons that heard, the next passengers getting on will have free seats all around you.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 14:29, Reply)

Secret World Government, create a new planet on the outskirts of the solar system and set it on a trajectory for a high speed collission with planet Earth
then create a superman who can leap up into the sky and deflect it away with his bare hands*. This new heroic superman can then fight a series of wars against artificially created enemys of the world's people which can help keep the masses diverted and controlled.

*Alternatively you could have the superman do an overhead volley or bycicle kick to deflect the planet away from the Earth, he could then play in premiership football games which would help keep the massed doped and subdued. You could also have him make Kate Middleton pregnant, if Kate Middleton got pregnant that would certainly help keep the masses distracted and subdued, has anyone mentioned that yet?
(theteddybearofhate, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 23:04, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Distract the masses from the stinking pool of stagnant, open nepotism within the ruling elite
by forcing Kate Middleton to announce her pregnancy early.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 5 Dec 2012, 14:03, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Save money on christmas presents by sending all your relatives one of your severed fingers.
If you run out of fingers then use toes.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 4 Dec 2012, 14:10, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Save money on Christmas presents
by telling everyone you know that you absolutely hate them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 4 Dec 2012, 9:46, Reply)

When the last post made to your site will be exactly a year ago tomorrow
it may be time to update your user signature to advertise it as "My old blog".
( Pig Bodine., Wed 28 Nov 2012, 16:22, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

I put my scrotum
in a Breville sandwich toaster and now I don't need to wear condoms
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:29, Reply)

Instead of spending
good money on anti-ageing creams and treatment, travel at the speed of light for a bit. That way when you stop again, everyone will have aged considerably more than you will have and you can enjoy the admiring gasps of your friends
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 13:28, Reply)

Doctors
Reduce the feelings of gloom when turning off a life-support machine in front of the relatives, by giving the off button a clown trombone 'ringtone'.
Also defribulators' electric arc noise when charged can be replaced with the 'parp' of a clown horn.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 9:43, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Don't like peeling garlic cloves?
Book yourself in for several sessions of cognative behavioural therapy where with gradual acclimatisation and self-realisation techniques you can learn to like it.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 26 Nov 2012, 14:30, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

When travelling abroad, always carry a biro that has run out
In places like India and the USA there is always some cunt who needs to borrow a pen to fill out entry forms and so on. Give them your useless pen and watch them try and make it work rather than admit 'ok, you gave me a fucking useless pen'.
(deadpidge, Sun 25 Nov 2012, 17:11, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Want to watch Batman Forever, but too embarrassed to buy the dvd?...
...Recreate the film in your own home by staring at your nipples in a mirror, while pushing a dildo 'round a scalextric track for 2 hours.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Fri 23 Nov 2012, 23:40, Reply)

Children living in the early 1900s:
If you're looking for a fun and interesting hobby, why not try stamp-collecting? It's easy to get started, you can build up a fascinating album of stamps from both Britain and around the world, and you'll enjoy a great sense of satisfaction as you watch your collection grow. Even better, in 100 years' time, one of your ungrateful shitbag grandchildren will be able to dig the thing out of the loft on an episode of Cash In The Attic, where they'll look at it for a full 20 seconds before flogging the bastard for 25 quid because they want a fucking hot-tub.
(costas, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 20:34, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Cancel your phone and TV package with your broadband supplier
They will call you a few days later with a better deal
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Wed 21 Nov 2012, 11:43, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Show you are too mature and sophisticated to read Harry Potter books on public transport
by moving up to Jackie and Just 17 instead.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 19 Nov 2012, 23:53, Reply)

Convince people that you have trained your cat...
...by only ever shouting the commands "Stay asleep!" and "Lick your bumhole!" at it.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Mon 19 Nov 2012, 15:12, Reply)