Convince your neighbours that you have actually trained your yappy little twat of a dog...
...by repeatedly shouting "Speak!" whenever you let it out into the garden.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 10 Jun 2014, 23:26, Reply)

Avoid the international ban on ivory
by buying a live elephant.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 10 Jun 2014, 17:10, Reply)

Save money on colostomy bags
by reusing old discarded Capri Sun pouches.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Tue 10 Jun 2014, 15:49, Reply)

Save money on your annual electricity bill
by rubbing an ebony rod on a cat and keeping the residual charge in a bell jar.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 10 Jun 2014, 0:17, Reply)

Be different.
Have a tattoo done, and join the 75% of people who refuse to conform.
(username failed moderation, Mon 9 Jun 2014, 15:12, 3 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Avoid pesky paternity claims
By never having a girlfriend.
(TimChuma, Sun 8 Jun 2014, 2:32, Reply)

Look up your partners name on Google image search,
and see what you could've won.

Not mine, stolen from elsewhere.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 6 Jun 2014, 14:00, Reply)

RE: Eukanuba's tip V V down there...
Avoid spending time with people that seem nice, quiet and keep themselves to themselves. As they invariably end up committing horrific crimes and killing people on rampages.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 6 Jun 2014, 13:55, Reply)

Parents in london
If your child is 'good at school', 'well liked' and 'wouldn't be in a gang'
Then he more than likely will die of a knife wound in a gang related fight.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 6 Jun 2014, 13:53, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Men,
confuse people on council estates, by wearing 3/4 length trousers without a tattoo on your calf.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 6 Jun 2014, 13:50, Reply)

Get your children into trouble at school
By sending them off full of misinformation about the world, such as:

"Acorns are lizard eggs."
"Dogs & cats used to be friends until they fell out over a heist gone bad."
"God is a potato."
"Sharing is boring."
"Punching is an acceptable substitute to talking."

Then claim innocence when they point their little snotty fingers in your direction.

And no, I don't have any kids. Not since they escaped.
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Tue 3 Jun 2014, 13:51, 6 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

When detailing your car, avoid expensive car wash solutions. Just mix brake fluid with any hair conditioner and lather then wash off.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 2 Jun 2014, 23:45, Reply)

If someone mentions a movie, ensure they know you've watched it by quoting some of the lines from it.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 2 Jun 2014, 12:15, 8 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

You always hear about scumbags doing this bad thing or that bad thing
It never seems to be nice people doing these things. My advice is to only spend time with nice people and avoid scumbags. You'd think people would learn.
(Eukanuba, Sun 1 Jun 2014, 14:09, Reply)

~faq~
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 1 Jun 2014, 10:26, Reply)

Make people think you're a bull
By making "horns" on the top of your head with your pointed fingers, lowering your head, and charging at them.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 29 May 2014, 9:49, Reply)

Acquire your own 'Spider sense'
by cultivating scalp ringworm and going into stressful situations.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 25 May 2014, 1:58, Reply)

Tip on how to cure your fear of the dark
As soon as you turn off the lights, start masturbating. No monster wants to see that shit!! Whilst doing it, stare at the corner of the room, or your wardrobe and whisper tenderly,

'This is for you'
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 23 May 2014, 15:16, 2 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

If your phone gets wet
try putting it in dry rice.....At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 23 May 2014, 9:32, Reply)

Confound the Scottish Yes vote by pointing out
that devolution means they'll slowly turn back into dinosaurs.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 23 May 2014, 0:30, Reply)

Confuse your dog...
...by naming it "Stay".
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Wed 21 May 2014, 18:24, Reply)

Narcoleptics! Only alkafnlnkd flkdggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 21 May 2014, 16:24, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Why don't you go back to where you came from

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 19 May 2014, 13:24, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Insomniacs.
Look on the bright side. It's only 3 sleeps til Christmas
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Sat 17 May 2014, 11:17, Reply)

Send nice emails to yourself
To make up for the shit you usually get.
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Wed 14 May 2014, 13:55, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

If you wish to leave a building
try throwing yourself out of one of the top floor windows.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 14 May 2014, 10:51, Reply)

If you wish to leave a building
a door marked 'exit' is often the most direct route.
(username failed moderation, Tue 13 May 2014, 16:55, Reply)

Enjoy your favourite music
by listening to it.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Tue 13 May 2014, 10:43, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

create your own ukip manifesto
by throwing a wet copy of the daily express into a fan.

(plagiarised from frankie boyle...)
( Muns, Sun 11 May 2014, 12:03, Reply)