Feel like shit?
Make yourself feel better by doing something horrible to someone else. Push a child over while its parents aren't looking, or scratch a colleague's car, or buy a couple of guns and kill 30 or so people. In no time you'll be smiling like the Dalai Lama.
(frankspencer, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 16:16, Reply)

Not got a bottle opener for beers?

Use another beer bottle! Hold the bottle you want to open in your left hand by the neck. Grab another bottle in your right hand by the neck but turn the bottle upside down.

Now, put the upside down bottle cap lip underneath the other bottle cap lip you want to open in your left.

Use your free thumb on the right hand upside down bottle to lever off the bottle cap easy as pie! The upside down cap won't come off; I don't know why it just never does! The movement should look like you’ve trying to break a pencil, you muscular so and sos.

Save you wreaking your nashers anyway :)
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 12:09, Reply)

World's easiest, fluffiest scrambled eggs
Oil the inside of a cup.
Thoroughly whisk a little milk and an egg or two in it.
Microwave for about two minutes.

EDIT: Further experimentation indicates the oil may be unnecessary.
( TK-421 wasn't at his post on, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 14:11, Reply)

Maggot Therapy?
DO NOT put 'maggot wounds' into google and then press 'images'
(MizStinky, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 16:11, Reply)

car parking
When you buy a ticket to display in your car window for ticket parking, leave it there. When parking illegally in future, it looks like you've bought a ticket, and hopefully inspectors will walk past without noticing that it expired three months ago.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 12:37, Reply)

car washing
put off annoying neighbours saying "you can do mine next!!" by simply producing a hammer and smashing your windscreen in when you see the grinning plebs start to wander over.
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 21:16, Reply)

Skinflints
Want a large tattoo but put off by th cost?

Simply get one done on your stomach and/or arse, and then gorge yourself on pies for 5-6 months, hey presto large tattoo.
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 14:03, Reply)

Do you have an MP3 player?
More specifically one of those Creative ones? And if so, has it frozen on you while out and about, with no means of accessing its reset button? In that case, have a look around for a twig of some description. If you can't find one thin enough, try to split one down the middle. If you're careful, you should be able to prod the reset button with it. Hooray! However, you might look a bit silly/dodgy depending on how much you search around for an appropriate prodding device. Ah well.
(Banjo-Fella, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 8:05, Reply)

Top tips
Boys: can't sleep with a nice lady?

Then get your bollocks cut off. My cat Jasper sleeps on my bed every night since I had his snipped away and I am lovely.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 20:14, Reply)

Hate Ironing?
Simply take your clothes out of the washing machine, individually 'whip' them outwards from you, and hang them up straight away in a warm place. 9 times out of 10 you won't have to iron them when they're dry.
( ubersheep is a musical sheep, and will sing on, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 16:11, Reply)

Grandparents
Your grannies' still getting taken in her toochie by your grandpa. Really.
(Bohine, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 16:56, Reply)

Grease Spots?
Get stubborn grease spots out of clothing by rubbing in a healthy blob of your kiddy's orange poster paint. Something or other in the orange pigment does something or other to the grease. I forget what.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 16:48, Reply)

Skaters II
Use a perforated strip of leather with a steel buckle attached to keep your jeans ABOVE your arse.
(peterlynch, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:28, Reply)

Loose Hem?
Get some wonderweb and place inside the hem area and borrow girlfriends hair straighteners to stick the two edges of the hem together.

Squirrel76 takes no responsibilty for cack handedness of the hemmer - do not get the stuff on the straighteners - failure to do so could result in instant singleness and/or divorce
( 99redbuffoons Reversed the polarity of the neutron flow at, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 12:49, Reply)

Bogroll reuse
It is acceptable to blow your nose onto a piece of bogroll, then fold it over and wipe your arse with the same sheet.

Never, ever do this the other way around.
( .spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Fri 13 Apr 2007, 10:51, Reply)

don't have any tattoos?
why not go up to someone in a pub who does and ask them a) how much they cost, b) how much they hurt. they're sure to never have been asked before, and it's certain to lead on to an edifying discussion to the mutual pleasure of both parties.
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Thu 12 Apr 2007, 16:14, Reply)

Also:
To avoid getting wheel clamped, buy some axel stands and a trolley jack and take the wheels off everytime you park.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 12 Apr 2007, 11:40, Reply)

Never shit out three day's worth of curry
Without first ensuring you have bog paper.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 12 Apr 2007, 11:11, Reply)

Don't trust me
Or anyone that says you can trust them.
(adserfadge, Wed 11 Apr 2007, 20:14, Reply)

Two.
Never trust a man in a blue trench coat.

Never drive a car when you're dead.

(Yeah, I know. It's because I'm listening to that song right now.)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 10 Apr 2007, 19:57, Reply)

THE RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE...
1. Never leave home
2. Don't get married
3. Never have kids

Contravening any of the above will result in misery.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
(minky, Tue 10 Apr 2007, 14:04, Reply)

If you're going to take heroin.
Take it up the rectum, it's much much safer.
Thank you, first post.
(orta hasn't posted since, Sun 8 Apr 2007, 23:24, Reply)

sdgdfshd
shfdfgsdh
( d d, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 21:18, Reply)

this ties in with the current QOTW
Never share a house with two people with severe bowel problems, an ibilty to clean up and a all junk food diet.

Just dont, the smell will make you want to kill yourself.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 21:19, Reply)

Tip number 2 about French type things
Don`t ask for laxatives in grungy french in any african ex french colony, as they will have a bobble hat and scarf at your expense, and, don`t lose your rag and say well you need them too cos vous etes plein de merde, little fuckers all carry knives and can`t take what they give out back in return)
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:45, Reply)

Never ever let loose a trouser duck in Paris.
UNLESS you have just arrived and not eaten or drunk anything that hasn`t come straight out of a bottle/can or been boiled or jesus fried.

A hearty english farty becomes a gallic cack your calvins.

It is just Paris, every bloody time, no problems in Nice or Lyons or..... I mentioned this to some well travelled work colleagues and it was " now you mention it......"
(I`m the guy who got constipated in Morocco and Zaire, so I think its not me having a weak guts.)
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 20:44, Reply)

Never Go Near Small Children On Sugar
I remember monitoring a Primary 1 class at lunch one day in primary and as usual, hell was being raised in the nicest way...pretty boring actually. Anyway, there was always this little kid who wouldn't stop wanting attention from me! However, one day, he walked upto me, hugged me...and bit a chunk out of my stomach. I will never forget that little bastards face. I still have a scar!
(LivingLegend, Tue 3 Apr 2007, 23:26, Reply)

Politicians
If they come canvasing to your door, invite them in for a cup of tea, after forcing them to listen to your rambling stories for 30-40 minutes, allow them to say 3 seconds of their pitch and cut them off rudely and say:

'im sorry i can't vote, im a sex offender.
(BobbyDarin Was somewhere Beyond the Sea on, Tue 3 Apr 2007, 15:24, Reply)

Never
Drive a convertible with wet/damp hair.

Your hair will look ridiculous for days.
(fastandfurryous What was the question again?, Mon 2 Apr 2007, 12:49, Reply)

Skaters
When choosing a new pair of jeans, get some that stop at your ankles, not at some point 6 inches below.
(peterlynch, Sun 1 Apr 2007, 17:15, Reply)