Want to get rid of that hangover?
Avoid drinking five pints of wine the night before.
( Damien's Hearse, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 21:56, Reply)

rice
Here's my* guaranteed nice Basmati rice recipe.

1. One mug of Basmati rice = 2 people
2. Rinse it
3. Put in saucepan NB get a Circulon saucepan, you'll never have to scrape stuck-on rice off it ever again. And they have decent fitting lids.
4. Add 1.5 mugs of water for each mug of rice and a pinch of salt
5. Put on lid and set heat on highest.
6. When first bit of steam comes from under lid, keep going for 1 min
7. Then turn heat to lowest for 10 mins
8. Turn off heat for 5 mins
8. Bingo, fluffy rice.

*OK, it's Nigel Slaters. But the Circulon Saucepan recommendation is MINE ALL MINE!!!!
( shavedchimp something something oranges something, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 21:19, Reply)

Americans...
Also..if you visit Britain don't assume we all know each other! There's nearly 70 million of us, so don't look suprised if we don't all know "Mrs Davidson from Basingstoke"
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Fri 1 Dec 2006, 21:18, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Americans
Avoid looking like an ass, by always checking first to see if a country has weapons of mass destruction, before invading them.
( BamaSS, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 20:37, Reply)

Blood on fabric?
Before the blood dries, spinkle it with salt and rinse. The salt ruptures the blood cells and the red washes out.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 20:23, Reply)

Personalised registration plates.
Don't bother. They are a waste of money.

Simply change your name via deedpoll to your current registration.

Cheers,
Miss KX12 XTR
( Noo_Noo Is now 'BeerElf Jnr', I guess :), Fri 1 Dec 2006, 19:34, Reply)

Don't boil eggs with the lid on.
What turns the yolk green is carbon dioxide, and leaving the lid off will allow the CO2 to escape and prevent the greening.

May be poppycock, but it sounds good.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 19:22, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Work Canteens
Save money by cooking cheap sausages in EVERY FUCKING MEAL COOKED. Like our place does...
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:41, Reply)

Want the missus to start giving great head again?
get rid of the bint, and she'll have to as she tries to ensnare another poor unfortunate
( SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:36, Reply)

DONT EVAR
get drunk and rodeo-ride a giant rodeo-bull cock in a nightclub which was promoting safe-sex-awareness......in front of your mates.

I lasted 1 minute 38 seconds; I come second!
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:21, Reply)

male hip hop fans from the 1980s;

inspire admiration and fear from your peers by associating yourselves with ghetto street survivors like Will Smith.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:20, Reply)

if you want to annoy airport security
write "made you look! :P" on a peice of paper. then crinkel it up and wrap it in a condom. then shove the condom up your arse.

act in a suspicious manner when going through customs if nessciary hide things around your person that will set off a metal detector. once you have agitaed security enough, wait untill they serch you then point and laugh.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:18, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

dont,
after cafeful consideration dont do the following things:

1.dont try and trim your nails in a pencil sharpener

2.blow cigar smoke out your nose

3.buy a reanult clio

4.forget to check for toilet paper before going for a shit

5.plan on pusing your shopping home in a trolley whithout checking that it dosnent have a anti theft wheel lock on it

6.set fire to a full lighter

7.drink 6 cans in less than 4 minuates whilst on 2 kinds of antibiotics on an empty stomach.

8.try and fill your stomach afterwards

9.mix typing answers on b3ta and severe dislexia

10.google meat spin

11.let your drunken flatmate run down one of hulls busyest streets on a friday night with no shirt on whilst weilding a unshethed 36" kantana sword

12.leave anything un-nailed down whilst hosting a party

13.try and skatebord on an office chair

14.accpet "i DOUBLE dare you" as a legaly binding contract

15.pick fights with builders

16.walk in the snow in tennis shoes

17.attept to watch daytime tv without drugs/alcohol

18.try and chat up a lesbian unless you are a woman

19.try and run over pigeons and expect your passengers to be understanding

20.get the muncies in the agonising period of time between when the local take aways shut and the breakfast cafe's open

i have done these things so you might not have to. tke heed b3ta
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:15, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

To piss your girlfriend off..
Whilst you're having sex, call her up and tell her!
(mannitol, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:14, Reply)

Want to keep your comedic success running longer?
Try writing something NEW Matt L. 'n' David W.....
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:10, Reply)

want to never have sex again?

"thank you my dear, you have afforded me some relief".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:01, Reply)

crucial
If you ever take part in an orgy involving a tin of wax, a Dalek and the queen, DO NOT mention the word "scissors" or weird things will start to happen
(abignumber, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:55, Reply)

Bored in a morgue?
That thing sticking out of the top of the dead woman's minge is a clitorus, and not a prawn.

Even if it tastes like one.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:48, Reply)

Need to dispose of your 16th body?
Get a job in a crematorium and stick em in.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:46, Reply)

Don't offer your new boss porn on your first meeting.
Like Simon did. Not a good start.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:44, Reply)

Try mixing a bottle of Reef with Redbull.
Add ice, and it should fill a pint glass perfectly. Stir, and you have a drink that tastes pretty much like Sunny Delight, and keep you awake till morning.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:41, Reply)

Need
to dispose of the body of your 15th murder victim ? Bury them in a cemetary and not your back garden as there are literally hundreds of stiffs in the graveyard for the rozzers to dig up and only 14 under your wobbly crazy paving.
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:41, Reply)

To guarentee no sex for a while
Say 'Stick a fork in me, I'm done' afterwads.
(comrade^, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:39, Reply)

Top Tip
want to really piss a girl off after sex?
say ahh bisto at that special moment
(Blundetto, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:36, Reply)

Stuck for a witty response for a QOTW?
Why not leave it to Apeloverage instead? His frequent side-splitting quips to any QOTW means that your time can be better spent drawing crudely animated cocks or photoshopping kittens as Adolf Hitler......

*insert random penile jibe here*
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:36, Reply)

Onions, cupboards, kids.
Lock the kids in the cupboard and don't let them out until they've peeled those pesky onions.
( Paster of Muppets is an incredible screen name, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:36, Reply)

Want to avoid a hangover?
Just drink vodka. Mix it if you like but not with red bull. Caffeine + alcohol = mother of all hangovers.

Mix it with coke or lemonade then drink some water before you goto bed. You'll just be tired in the morning.
( Captain V, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:33, Reply)

Had a few too many, ladies?
Remember to remove knickers and put them in the wash and not down the loo after having a pee before going to bed.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:31, Reply)

Before drinking milk....
...check the "Use By" date. Gone off milk tastes sour!
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:30, Reply)