NSFW
Please don't download pr0n on your work machine, as I have to do loads of cleaning up afterwards. This makes me unhappy.

Oh, and I will find out.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sun 29 Jul 2007, 21:15, Reply)

Don't worry
about having no drinking water due to the floods. Just stick to coffee like me.
(the.gregster, Sun 29 Jul 2007, 13:42, Reply)

Haircut?
Why not try showering before you come to the hairdressers, as well as after, we can smell your nastiness as we are stood right above you breathing the fetid stench in. Remember to brush your teeth as well you dirty twats.
( randomwomanwholikespink, Sun 29 Jul 2007, 12:57, Reply)

Pensioners.
When at bus stations, remember to walk extra slowly with your arms extra stuck out to carry all your Poundworld bags to ensure that no one can walk past you and therefore miss their bus.
( head-doctor ololololo, Sun 29 Jul 2007, 12:25, Reply)

Harry Potter fans (4)
Don`t believe this "last" Harry Potter is really the last derivative tome ever, precedent cannot be denied.. Stand very by for hogwarts examination papers, prequels and other nice `lil earners, after an indecently short pause.( next year?)

eg: " Harry potter and the Ring of Fire " (well it is a public school supposedly).
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Sat 28 Jul 2007, 23:23, Reply)

Harry potter fans (3)
You're not 9 any more, stop reading kids books and grow up you twats.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Sat 28 Jul 2007, 17:48, Reply)

harry potter fans (2)
Read Tolkien, read Terry Pratchett s first half dozen novels,experience a warming feeling of deja vu and familiarity.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Fri 27 Jul 2007, 0:54, Reply)

Harry Potter Fans
Pretend to a wizard by carrying round an old broom and a chopstick from the local Sushi restaurant.
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Thu 26 Jul 2007, 15:52, Reply)

Diffuser
Avoid the embarrassment of parping loudly whilst sat on the toilet at your in-laws or equivalent by placing a wad of toilet paper over your anus when you feel a rasper on the way. This will diffuse the sound and transform the otherwise bowl rattling emission into a meek huff.

Takes the fun out of it of course but it's better than letting your partner's folks know that you would ever do something so coarse as farting. After all, as we all know, every time an adult farts somewhere in the world an orphanage burns to the ground.
(mudflaps, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 16:37, Reply)

Bored and want to surprise your regulars?
Well, why not change the QOTW at some random Fekking time? That'll amuse them.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 25 Jul 2007, 11:30, Reply)

killing flies by hypnosis
if you go for it they will be off unless you are quick, finger extended about 18" away move hand with finger extended in a circular motion about a foot diameter a bout 2 per second, spiral in and down and you will get within a tiny distance and can squash it with the finger easily ( wash hands after)

It works passes the time in shitholes overseas. old work mate was ex army showed me this. The guff that sounds sort of ok is it fools the motion detectors, keeps them busy but doesnt trip flyaway as isn`t fast and it cant process that its getting nearer. beats reading geoffrey archer.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 0:04, Reply)

Prevent spiders from eating
by gently throwing small seeds into their webs at regular intervals for several days. They will soon tire of scuttling out onto their webs only to find an inedible object.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Mon 23 Jul 2007, 23:55, Reply)

Prevent catarpillars
from crawling in a comical fashion by super-gluing them to the table.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Mon 23 Jul 2007, 23:45, Reply)

A bamboo kebab skewer
can be used as an improvised pole vaulting pole for large insects.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Mon 23 Jul 2007, 23:42, Reply)

before posting on the 'what should we ask for a QOTW ?'thread
check the list of previous QOTW questions.

because if it involves wanking its probably been done before
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 23 Jul 2007, 19:30, Reply)

Save time
by not doing you shoe laces up.

The same goes for buttons, zips and belts.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 23 Jul 2007, 18:14, Reply)

Makeshift Screwdriver
If you cant find a cross head / philips screwdriver, try a potato-peeler. It works just as well.
(kitescreech still here, Mon 23 Jul 2007, 15:49, Reply)

millions of vermin
Can't be arsed with chasing flies all over the house trying to kill them?
Take this into account: When flies take off from standing, they don't just go straight up or forward--they hurl themselves backwards. Thus, you must aim a bit behind the fly, which increases your chances by about sixty per cent.
(FredrickPendragon found this post to be in very bad taste on:, Mon 23 Jul 2007, 4:34, Reply)

BBC Producers.
You can't peddle anymore shit such as Doctor Who or crudely named shows like DanceX anymore. My advice is to give up and go to Zimbabwe or somewhere. Go on. Shoo.
( head-doctor ololololo, Sun 22 Jul 2007, 0:19, Reply)

Start hand driers
with your elbow.
( teedyay, Sat 21 Jul 2007, 18:33, Reply)

Don't go to any tourist attraction without google
Simply stick the name of the attraction (Drayton Manor, Black Country Museum, Chester Zoo etc) followed by 'voucher' and nine time out of ten there is a download and pint out voucher. Quite often 2-for-1 as well.
(fluffytail, Sat 21 Jul 2007, 12:01, Reply)

Freeze skittles
they just taste better that way, but don't go chomp happy...don't blame me if you lose a tooth either.
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 20 Jul 2007, 20:02, Reply)

London tourists!
When entering Tube stations, remember to cluster around the bottom of the stairwells so that nobody can get onto the platform.

The people waiting at the next station will be grateful to you when an empty train arrives.
(><(((">, Fri 20 Jul 2007, 8:27, Reply)

I'm sorry, i'm sure they're already here but I can't resist......
DON'T EAT YELLOW SNOW.....

NEVER PUT A LIGHT BULB IN YOUR BACK POCKET...

ABSOLUTELY INVALUABLE I SAY...........
( rebeccaslicker, Thu 19 Jul 2007, 22:50, Reply)

Has the gas gone?
Run out of money for the meter?

Simply cook your frozen beef burgers in your sandwich toaster... Yes, it may clog it up with foul, thick greays fat...

but you'll survive.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 22:22, Reply)

Trying to lose weight?
Muscle tissue is metabolically active. What that means is that it uses energy even in a resting state. Each kg of muscle tissue uses 30 - 50 kcals a day just sitting still.

Also, lifting weights causes you to use more kcals over the next 12-24 hours, as it requires a lot of energy to synthesise the proteins neccessary to repair the damaged tissue (while the effects of cardio-vascular exercise lasts only 2 hours or so). So overall reistence (lifting weights) training is about the best kcal burning exercise there is.

Make sure to incorporate a good weight lifting routine into your exercise plan. This goes for girls too - don't worry, you won't get all big and bulky, ladies, unless you take steroids, as women just don't have high enough testosterone levels to get big just by lifting weights. Lift weights if you want to look like the girls from Eric Prydz "Call on Me" video (I wish my missus did).
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 13:44, Reply)

Wife won't make passionate love?!
Give her some GHB! And not the beating. Cause we all know that's not cool.
(TheVomitingCavalier entered one image challenge and failed miserably, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 22:13, Reply)

Severly Scar someone 2
If you stab someone with an apple corer or peeler the wound will be circular and jagged, therefore it will be difficult to stitch and will cause horrendous scarring.
(Mr Donny quality not required, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 6:59, Reply)

opening beer bottles...
you can open a beer bottle by holding it by the neck in your hand, with the cap about 1/4 inch above your index finger, then get a plastic bic lighter and use the bottom to lever the top off, using the lower part of your thumb to lever the top off.

honestly this works, a mate showed me it
( weaver., Mon 16 Jul 2007, 22:37, Reply)