Gentlemen!
During 'relations' with a lady, imagining Amy Winehouse's 'baby mouse' voice can delay you for a good five minutes.
(costas, Mon 19 May 2008, 13:18, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

No time to butter your toast in the morning?
Simply butter half of one side and fold it over. Thus creating a heavenly Rorschach style snack in half the time
(Snuffy114 demands a cyber razor cut, Mon 19 May 2008, 11:20, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Don't like the current Question of the week?
Then SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET A FUCKING LIFE!!!
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 17 May 2008, 16:21, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

hangover thirst
Half fill an old soft drink bottle with water, then freeze it. (lid off.) Then when you go to bed drunk, top it off with water, and leave next to your bed. The ice will slowly melt, ensuring you have an icy cold water at hand for when you need it to combat your morning beeriod.
(hixy, Sat 17 May 2008, 9:41, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Save precious time...
spent reading through each individual post in B3ta's Top Tips by subscribing to Maudlin McCann's podcast/webpage.
( the dalai farmer always likes tea, but especially on, Fri 16 May 2008, 22:43, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Christina Aguilera
We all know you can bellow the word 'Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy' with a gradual rise in pitch and a bit of vibrato at the end. Well done, we're all very impressed. You can stop doing it on every song you release now.
(costas, Thu 15 May 2008, 14:05, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Door to door folk... save money and time!
...if you knock on a persons door before 10am and nobody answers, this is your first hint to cock off.

If you continue to knock, simply because you saw somebody move, and they still do not answer, this is your second hint...

When you begin bellowing "hello" through that persons letter box, and a fat fella with a sore head finally answers... his disgusted gaze at you is your final hint...
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Tue 13 May 2008, 19:12, Reply)

Hayfever
...Use it to get out of work on a scorching day...
(SniperJesus Listen to The Fall, Tue 13 May 2008, 10:45, Reply)

Decorating
Make wallpaper easier to remove in the future by impregnating it with tealight wax. When you come to redecorate, simple use a blow torch to get it burning, and the paper will be all gone in maybe 20 mins.
Use scented tealights for a fragrant house.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:10, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Jokes
Recreate jokes from your childhood by rolling a nun down a hill, or putting a zebra under a strong sunlamp.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:08, Reply)

junk mail
I fitted the business-end of an office shredder to my letterbox and I've not had to pay a single utility or credit card bill since.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:05, Reply)

Women
Being on a hen-night does not give you carte-blanche to act like a slut all evening. Have some dignity for Christ's sake.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:03, Reply)

Anti-phone mast protesters
Stop complaining about mobile phone masts. The more there are, the lower the power output. It also means that the phone you have pressed against the side of your brain doesn't have to increase it's power to try to keep connected to a distant mast.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:01, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Chinese food
Chinese takeaway owners with an outlet near a pub:
Refrain from having a large aquarium with giant koi in it in full view of the counter,
as hearing "I'll have that big one there" gets a bit tedious after 14,639 times.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:58, Reply)

Sex aids
One's missus operating the rubber bulb on a penis vacuum pump can continue to remove air from the cylinder long after your penis takes on a mottled bruised appearance, and once the pump is removed, the forced-erection it has produced becomes an amusing and curious novelty after 3 hours of vacuum-induced priapism.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:55, Reply)

Gardeners
Make your garden more exotic by trimming the grass in a particular manner to create a bonsai lawn.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:48, Reply)

Cupboards
By hiding in the cupboard under the stairs, I've found it's possible to listen to my wife's excrement as it rushes down the soil stack
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:46, Reply)

Barbers
Save time sweeping up all the hair by stripping off, covering yourself in honey and rolling about on the floor.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:44, Reply)

police
Annoy policemen by asking them the time every 18 seconds.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:42, Reply)

winter
Save money on heating bills this winter by finding something you're allergic to and then liberally applying it to your skin.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:41, Reply)

Car drivers
Once you've finished pumping petrol and before you return the hose, grab the pipe near the pump and raise it slightly to allow the petrol in the hose to enter your tank rather than leaving it in the u-bend shaped hose.
A bit of maths shows that a 7ft length of one inch-bore hose will hold about a litre, give or take.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:33, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

You CAN polish a turd.
Just get a relatively solid stool, coat it in nitro cellulose laquer (the stuff they coat guitars with) and let it harden. Add a few more layers until it's pretty substantial, then polish away to your heart's content.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Mon 12 May 2008, 10:24, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

annoy and baffle the easily annoyed and baffled by

insisting that real life objects are photoshoped . . .

'hey everyone, like my new phone !'

'nah man thats clearly been photoshopped.. the buttons don't look real'

'hey everyone , meet my new girlfriend Susan'

'nah man shes been photoshoped, those tits aren't real and her skin is all airbrushed . .

and so on an so forth
(The Cats Twat, Sat 10 May 2008, 20:54, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

don't waste time reading top tips
simply forget all the common sense you have, let go of all intellectual thought, and let your impulses take the wheel as you randomly drift through life.

I guarantee the results will be the same.
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Sat 10 May 2008, 18:23, Reply)

If the river runs red.....
take the dirt track instead.

Some thing my mum told my brother wen he was younger....never quite got it myself....
(Document Pocket, Sat 10 May 2008, 15:56, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Wanna be annoying?
Get the Family Fortunes 'Incorrect Noise' (EH EH) onto your phone.

Ask someone is they are gay. (Only works with straight people)

When they reply 'no' play the sound.
Childish fun.

Also works with any other yes/no questions that are embarrassing.
(Eo1spy is reversing the polarity on, Thu 8 May 2008, 19:53, Reply)

Feeling Down?
Ice Creams and or cookies can solve any problem....

even AIDS!
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daughter/ Mother On, Thu 8 May 2008, 16:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Don't lose your temper
at work when arguing with the arsehole at the garage who sold you a Ford Focus as you may be reminded constantly by colleagues that you called him a "frucking pick"
(Harold's hip man!!, Thu 8 May 2008, 12:39, Reply)

@Ruddles
Another good way is to post on Usenet using your real address.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 7 May 2008, 23:00, Reply)