Christian?
Dying pet rodent? Worried the kids might be upset?
Kill two birds with one stone by tying it to a couple of helium balloons, releasing it and telling the kids it's going to "heaven".
And you won't even have to worry about burying the thing.
( krang, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 19:05, Reply)

Password tip
Tired of forgetting your password for all the myriad of sites you frequently visit? No problem! Simply make every password you ever use exactly the same.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 14:14, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How not to drop crumbs when eating biscuits.
Stuck on the sofa at the girlfriend's granny's house, eating biscuits, and want to make a good impression? Simply suck air into your mouth after each bit of biscuit (with the biscuit still in your mouth). This will prevent crumbs from falling onto your lap, requiring you to brush them away in an unsightly manner.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 11:08, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Drunk too much lager?
Simply vomit the excess onto the road, then burn off excess calories by having an enthusiastic fight with a friend.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 27 Jul 2008, 15:12, Reply)

Want to appear in the dreams of your fellow b3tans?
Put up a profile-pic or meet them in real life so they know what you look like.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 19:20, Reply)

Pony club horse box drivers
When leaving the gymkhana, ignore the signs that tell you NOT to turn left onto the road marked "unsuitable for wide vehicles" so that you, your spoilt brats and the 4-legged bbq fodder in the trailer can be laughed at unmercifully by me, once you get REALLY stuck. And remember that, because YOU'VE decided to drive down a totally unsuitable road, so have your jodhpured, alice-banded sisterhood so you'll ALL get stuck with no prospect of getting out without FIVE towtrucks.
Also remember that, just because YOU'RE an ignorant self-centred useless waste of DNA that only gets the 4x4 and the credit card because your husband is successful, it doesn't mean that all men will help you. I, for one, will laugh at you till a little bit of wee comes out whilst watching your predicament.

LEARN TO READ BEFORE YOU DRIVE, YOU EXPENSE-ACCOUNT WHORE.

Rant over
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 11:07, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Town/city dwelling 4 x 4 owners
Your gleaming prize will not disintegrate if you get some mud on it.
If you're in a country lane you can 'get in the hedge a bit' when somebody is approaching in the opposite direction.
They're designed for going off-road not running people off the road. Cunts.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 8:34, Reply)

BMW Dealers
Try checking the bulbs in all of the indicators before letting the BMW leave the show room.

This will allow the driver to let other drivers know when they are turning, or what their intention is on roundabouts.

EDIT: I think they're faulty in Mercedes and Range Rovers too.
(dchurch bah, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:33, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

When using the liquid Vicks inhaler
don't tip your head back.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:31, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

THEFT PREVENTION TIPS
lock your doors at night :)
(mtzadogg I drink your MILKSHAKE, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 18:44, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Part time restaurant workers
Why not completely irritate the fucksocks off your boss by moaning that "you're tired" when you work 14 hours per week, whilst boss does 100 per week. Twunts.
(woodkat loves comic sans, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 18:09, Reply)

Chinese People Living in Hong Kong
Please try to put on some weight.

I wasted 30 minutes in the GANT store in Times Square on Monday evening trying to find a pair of jeans with a 36" waist and 32" legs.

FFS, That isn't obese, you futhermuckers!
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 7:48, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fat Ladies...
... eat cakes and other confectionery using only your fingertips, making yourself appear dainty.
(Hernandez Fiendish probably won't be here until at least, say, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 17:31, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Crumbs
Don't mess crumbs when eating biscuits by simply popping the whole biscuit in your mouth in one go.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 13:17, Reply)

@tena Lad
DO NOT apply Haemorrhoid cream whilst brushing teeth.
(bugboybeast, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 10:14, Reply)

always running late?
brush your teeth while having a shit.
(Plamf, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 0:51, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Want to make people believe you're a murderer?
Any time you're with a group of people watching the TV news and a segment comes on about a convicted murderer who'se been in prison for ages appealing his conviction, insist that the TV is turned to a different channel. If they're discussing the segment in question, try and nervously change the conversation topic.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 20 Jul 2008, 20:36, Reply)

Dragging it out?
Top tip: to slightly confuse some people, make a Question Of The Week that subsequently stays on for a hell of a lot longer than the aforementioned Week.

Sorry, I'm SO BORED. Please help me :(
(TMAce needs to enter another image challenge sometime, Sun 20 Jul 2008, 14:56, Reply)

Stag night parties
Why not go to Prague, Budapest, Riga or any other Eastern European capital for your festivities? In those countries they all speak funny languages so you don't have to try to say anything in the local lingo as it's far too difficult for your collective brain cell to comprehend, and anyway most of them speak English (probably better than you do). You can vomit on the streets, harass the local women, sing stupid songs all night and ignore local laws and customs safe in the knowledge that you're just jolly good chaps out for a good time. It's warm enough to go everywhere with your hairy beer bellies hanging out too!

On the other hand - why don't you just fucking stay at home and behave as you usually do in your local? At least people there probably understand or tolerate twats like you. Nobody in any European country wants you. Not at all. Really.

I'll probably get a lot of flak for this one but having lived in Prague for a few years I mean it very, very seriously.
(eesnahk, Sun 20 Jul 2008, 1:29, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

French cosmetics companies
When marketing a new line of sun-tan lotion aimed at children, be sure to check how the product name sounds when said out loud in all target markets. Alternatively, don't be surprised when an entire nation double-takes on half-hearing your advert for 'Rapido' lotion, before wondering "Did they just tell me to spray my child with a paedo?"
(costas, Sun 20 Jul 2008, 0:30, Reply)

Boring?
Shut up then.
(Pat_Gash, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 17:09, Reply)

Making conversation
When retelling an interesting anecdote make sure that you include *every* tiny little remark made in conversation along the lines of, "And he said to me, "Well I never." And I said to him, "Yes, that's right""

And so on. It makes you seem so much more interesting.

Honestly.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 14:37, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

.
Feeding toast to your psychiatrist is the best stratergy for winning the next election.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 0:57, Reply)

.
Playing your guitar with your head underwater is a new method of finding your coat.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 0:57, Reply)

boogie-woogie
Tapping your feet along to "Mess Around" by Ray Charles makes for erratic driving
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 13:26, Reply)

Mercedes and Audi dealers...
Why not tell your customers that they can have their car in a colour other than silver?

Just thought it might make a nice change.
(zebby wasting irony here on, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:14, Reply)

Dispute resolution
If you and your partner are in a domestic disagreement over anything contentious - for example, furniture, clothes, ornaments, etc - simply take a massive shit on it. Your other half will soon want rid of said objet d'art, and your relationship will subsequently be strengthened.
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 17:47, Reply)

Drunks out in Cardiff on Saturday nights...
Ask the staff on the tills in Burger King, St Johns Street for a pint of Stella with your Whopper meal, this is sure to bring a smile to their faces and ensure you recieve your food quicker than ever.
(muyk, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 17:28, Reply)