Bank Clerks
Save the embarrassment of having me blockade the doors of your bank by simply letting my girlfriend have the money in her account that belongs to her when she shows you several pieces of ID, 2 of which with her photograph on and coming in the branch simply because you couldn't do the simple thing and send her replacement card to her real address instead of one you randomly made up, instead of attempting to keep your boss happy by holding on to the money for as long as possible.

Next time you threaten to call the police, you'd better be prepared to go through with it eh?

;-)
(dchurch bah, Thu 14 Aug 2008, 13:16, Reply)

Student Loans Companies:
Handle my accounts properly, don't sell off half of my debt to another company that somehow mange to be even more staggeringly incompetent. Above all, don't miscalculate my minimum payment so that when I find threatening letters from you after extended periods overseas because I'm now heavily in arrears despite having had the direct debits going out in good faith since 2003. Because if you don't I'll shout at the poor call centre operative* that's just called me up and tried to be menacing from their generically prepared call checklist.

Most incompetent bunch of fuckwits since the last lot.

*Apologies to all call centre operatives by the way, I know it's not your fault and I know I shouldn't have shouted. Sorry.
(Oil Slick, Thu 14 Aug 2008, 12:18, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Credit Card Companies
Save money by not printing and sending out chequebooks with customers' credit-card statements, along with chirpy little notes saying "We thought you might find these useful!". In case you hadn't noticed, over the last couple of years, cheques have become the immigrant paedophiles of the financial world. Most shops would rather let you pay with a handful of tepid faeces than sit and wait as you fart around writing a cheque and filling in the stub, then realising you put the date as 2007. No bastard accepts cheques. Cash Converters might do, but then they also accept Zimbabwean dollars and still-warm car stereos, so it's to be expected. Cheques are shit. Nobody wants cheques. Stop sending them out. We don't find them 'useful'. They're just a massive pain in the arse because it's another thing to shred.

*checks smallprint*

What's this? You'll charge me £3 each time I (or whichever sorting-office agency worker handles my post) use one of your cheques? Jesus Farting Corbett.
(costas, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 22:43, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

always wear waders whilst fishing
that is all
(Starzy had a headache on, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 16:35, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Home owners
had enough of waiting endless days for the council to pick up your old sofa. Chain your wife and kids to it, the whole council will be round in seconds.
(max0000000000000 jokes, jokes, jokes, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 0:10, Reply)

Obvious really
Big fat ugly lorry and van drivers, don't beep at girls whilst driving past them, how are we supposed to give you our phone numbers to arrange a date which I am sure would be dreamy?
(its just so moving McFuck, Tue 12 Aug 2008, 13:59, Reply)

Stupid People
Convince yourself that you're eating healthily by doing your weekly shop at Iceland, who claim that their own-brand products are 'GM-Free'.

N.B. This works best if you overlook the fact that
a) Your weekly shop consists of 50 hoofburgers, 200 chicken-dippers, 12 20-inch deep-pan pizzas, six quintuple-chocolate cheesecakes, a hundredweight of oven-chips and a pack of frozen peas (because the bag you bought six months ago is almost half-empty now), and
b) You don't actually know what 'GM-Free' means, although you do remember the Daily Mail saying it was bad once.
(costas, Tue 12 Aug 2008, 11:32, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Hayfever sufferers
Trying buying (and eating!) local honey. Allegedly it accustoms your body to the local pollen and errr magically helps your body become immune-ish.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 11 Aug 2008, 12:53, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Soaring food prices getting you down?
Don't eat as quickly, you'll use less food.
( Lightguy hail satan, Sun 10 Aug 2008, 0:58, Reply)

Recreate the cinema experience at home
by scattering popcorn and spilling coke all over and around your sofa, having a small child sit behind you screaming and kicking the back of your seat, having a tall mate sit in front of you and a gaggle of teenagers chatter and text each other all through the film. Play a half-hour reel of inane adverts and trailers before it starts.

Remove all your toilet paper and sprinkle sick all over the loo seat beforehand, in case you need a wee partway through the film.
( Bob Todd whee, Sat 9 Aug 2008, 13:19, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Annoying uni house mates?
Simply leave a bag of Chicken breasts at the back of the fridge obscured by bottles of half opened Lucozade. After 3 weeks it disolves into a putrid green transparent liquid which can only be removed from the whole house by getting rid of the fridge.

N.b. This only works well if you are going away for a long time and won't be there to breath the emetic air produced. You can chortle away happy in the knowledge your housemates are working away like busy little bees trying to find the cause of the stench.

Beware of repercussions however. They can be dire.
(Lex scripta, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 12:43, Reply)

Do not use a nasal inhaler in Iceland
You'll wreck yer Vick
(kingnutter, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 16:31, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't drink and drive
Snort your vodka
(kingnutter, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 16:28, Reply)

Smuggle 'cigarettes' into foreign countries
1. Roll up your 'fags'.
2. Buy polo mints.
3. Carefully open one end and insert the 'smoke' down the hole in the middle.
4. Reseal and repeat with stash.

Mint stops the sweet aroma, foil stops it being scanned. Ta-dah.

Do not try with spliffs because that is illegal.

And remember - drugs are bad, m'kay?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 11:35, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Smokers
Avoid stinky ashtray breath by always smoking through your nose.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 10:19, Reply)

Parents in formulaic TV dramas: Save wear and tear on your doors.
Following a heated debate in which your teenage offspring storms out, avoid shouting "DON'T SLAM THE - " after them.
(costas, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 17:00, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

cant stop hiccups
just hold your breath for approx 17 minutes...

if the room goes dark - dont worry, thats natural, hang in there...
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 12:41, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

trying to swat a fly
dont, just use your hoover.

its actually a good game. Wait until they stop, turn on the hoover and pop - away they fly into Dyson land.

extra points if you get them mid flight - which isnt as hard as you may think.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 12:40, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Splashback Denied
Always put toilet paper into the bowl before dropping the kids off.

Did it once, and i've never looked back

**apologies if already posted.
(Chojin doesn't know what day of the week it is, Tue 5 Aug 2008, 15:05, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cure all.
Got AIDS? Drink a bottle of Lucozade (original is best) a day for a week. It'll probably cure almost anything.
(ice9, Tue 5 Aug 2008, 13:29, Reply)

please her
-How to make your girlfriend scream even 20 minutes after the orgasm?
-Wipe your willy into the curtain...
(domg, Tue 5 Aug 2008, 12:36, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Don't overkill flying insects
Insect spray kills bugs. Fire kills bugs. However, turning inspect spray into a portable flamethrower with your trusty lighter doesn't guarantee some sort of uberkill; it just removes your housemate's eyebrows.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Tue 5 Aug 2008, 11:44, Reply)

Avoid parking tickets
by removing your windscreen wipers
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 4 Aug 2008, 8:47, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Donate
to a Alzheimers charity. It makes you look like a better and more caring person, and they forget to take your money.
(max0000000000000 jokes, jokes, jokes, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 22:48, Reply)

Save money at Christmas
Keep all the shit presents you get and give it back to the cunts who gave it to you the following year.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 16:32, Reply)

How to be popular
NOT!!
Go to the CLA (countryside landowners association) game fair at Blenheim Palace wearing a Viz "Falmer Palmer" T shirt sporting the legend "Gerroff moy laaand".

Wish I'd taken a picture.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 14:25, Reply)

On a date?
Don't wave a semaphore flag at your dinner table, or flash an aldis lamp in her face signalling "MAYDAY MAYDAY" in morse code.

It just gives out the wrong signals.

/coat
( Willwillwritehiswill An arse like a slapped face., Thu 31 Jul 2008, 19:48, Reply)

First?
Hey! This is not the new QOTW!
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 16:36, Reply)

never
suck on a Vick Inhaler pretending it's a cigarette.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 20:31, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

drink driving?
got this one from a book, autobiography infact so its a true story

as u get pulled over by the freindly furry piglets
take a mouthful of whiskey and just before they make
you take the breathaliser swallow
the breathaliser will show that the alcohol in your blood
should mean you're very very dead
making it void and off you toodle


(not sure how they don't notice the smell but hey)
(kristofski6992, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 23:38, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)