If people hate emoness on the QOTW so much
then why is this week 'Will you go out with me?'

Edit: Where is the emoness? It's all cute and fluffeh.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 28 Aug 2008, 19:54, Reply)

Tell your kids important things like safe sex when the are young
I was 19 years old, and my father boomed to me:

"USE CONDOMS!"

Well, dad... a tad bit too late...
already my girl was 3 months pregnant and none of my parents knew!
(Libratos The Tartan-Spartan, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 19:15, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Got a loose thread hanging from a knitted shirt?
Quit whining about it, nobody cares.
(mmmkay, Thu 28 Aug 2008, 18:04, Reply)

Try the Korean meatballs.
They're the dog's bollocks!
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 27 Aug 2008, 8:53, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Save loads of money
1) Save money on travel insurance by not travelling.
2) Save £££ on champagne by buying Lambrini. Nobody can tell the difference.
3) Save millions by not buying a private yacht.
4) Old people - save money on water bills by washing yourself in your own piss. You'll still smell exactly the same as if you'd used normal water.
5) Shit into a sheet of paper from one of the free newspapers and wrap it up and throw it over the wall to save on your water bill. Or if you have pets feed them your excrement. Dogs and cats have tough stomachs and love that sort of thing.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 26 Aug 2008, 14:33, Reply)

Flying abroad?
Save money on flights abroad by only buying a one-way ticket. Then, when you're ready to return to the UK, commit a crime and get deported. The country you are visiting will send you home for free, even if all the available flights are very expensive/full.
(mr major no thanks, I don't use the horse, Tue 26 Aug 2008, 12:07, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If it smells like fish...........
.....eat it.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 26 Aug 2008, 9:58, Reply)

Spooks Code 9
Don't watch Spooks code 9 ever. It's wank.
(lei, Tue 26 Aug 2008, 2:33, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

girls!
tired of having to do gymnastics to trim your mimsy hair?
the solution is simple!
squat over an upturned garden strimmer and hey presto! not only a tidy quim, but an absence of razor marks and blocked plugholes!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 25 Aug 2008, 16:04, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

OK /Hello etc magazine readers
Don't buy OK magazine or any other similar magazines further down the food-chain for that matter.

Watch something presented with vacuous bint (and vaguely attractive until the TV warms up properly) Claudia Winkleman. She will make you realise the whole celebrity cult is about as useful to society as Weil's Disease and less preferable too.

Also, you won't have to take such magazines to Cash Converters, in the vague hope they'll go out of business and thus preventing job-dodgers from flogging your stolen gear there.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 24 Aug 2008, 11:13, Reply)

Condoms
Don't buy ribbed condoms. Buy regular condoms and fill them with ball bearings.

Or alternatively, get the snip and have proper sex where you can actually feel something.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 24 Aug 2008, 11:06, Reply)

Motorways
If you're sick of congested motorways (M25, M60 round Manchester etc), then come to Hull. The M62 after Ferrybridge is sparse to say the least. After the M18 turnoff, it's pretty much fucking empty.

Come to Hull. It may be shit, but at the least the roads in are clear.

Sponsored by the Hull Tourist Board, making Hull sound marginally less risible than it is in reality.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 24 Aug 2008, 11:02, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Happy Anniversary
May I wish this QOTW and Mictoboy (first poster) happiest returns on this it's 600 day anniversary.

Now I am not one to criticise our mods but.... SIX HUNDRED DAYS!
(bugboybeast, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 10:47, Reply)

Recycling Tip
Don't throw away your old copies of OK! magazine. Following Kerry Katona's bankruptcy, they can double as handy catalogues for the Warrington branch of Cash Converters.
(costas, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 22:08, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Therapy costs a lot of money...
Always be suspicious of anything that has to be 'Our little secret...'
(InGear Slipped this one in on, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 21:16, Reply)

Great hard on
this occurred to me by accident.Promise.
After rubbing some Deep Heat or other equally ineffective rubbing ointment into a muscle strain, i decided to have a tug, i'd washed my hands i think and there was no evidence of the ointment other than the usual stink. imagine my surprise when i receive a mild burning sensation but one of the most splendid erections ever.
WARNING anybody copying this does so at their own risk. Definately don't get any on the bell-end and the aforementioned erection is for your own use (and i recommend ornamental purposes) only as using it on a partner will almost certainly end in your death.
(Discreditor wants the dream to come true, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 21:08, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bank counter staff
Avoid having to serve a long queue of busy, impatient customers by TAKING YOUR FRIGGING LUNCH BREAK AT LUNCHTIME when most of your customers that have jobs also might want to use the bank.

Oh, and offering them free pens that are crap just adds insult to injury.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:11, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Coming to Devon for your holiday?
Avoid traffic and delay by not travelling at the same time as every other cunt from London.

Also, try the 2 lanes to the left of you on the motorway and you'll find we can fit 3 times the amount of traffic on the same bit of road!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:23, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

"De-Sensitising condoms"
Condoms with anaesthetic cream on the outisde can be worn inside-out so as to avoid waking your unsuspecting partner.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 14:48, Reply)

Ping pong
makes an ideal substitute for tennis for midgets
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 13:49, Reply)

Tramps!
Save your hard-begged pennies by swapping actually buying booze for supping on the bin juice that comes out a bottle bank!
(Rushy, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 14:16, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Wear condoms inside out...
... so that way they're ribbed for HIS pleasure.

Baddum-tish.
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 11:29, Reply)

Fence jumping...
Everyone knows jumping over fences is brilliant (unless you're a Scoper) and a great way to impress someone so much they'll want to do sex on you. HOWEVER - be aware that there's a distinct opportunity for it all to go wrong and leave you looking like a fool. So, if you're going to jump a gate, make sure it's securely closed!
( Prof UnderCover evitable, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 16:35, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

making crap beer taste good.
years ago my last tech-monkey worked for small cash prizes, food and beer. and, he only drank shitty beer, so i still had some in my cupboard from his last visit years ago. i'm not much of a drinker, and when i do drink beer i prefer it to be of middling quality or better.

beer bread? easy, but crap beer makes bread that stinks - i prefer a stout for bread. best solution is to make one of my favourite occasional drinks (as in i drink these once every few months), a redeye. a redeye is made of equal parts beer and tinned tomato juice, with some horseradish thrown in for a kick.

some people think this an abomination, but i love them. for added fun, mix in ground celery seed (not celery salt, tinned tomato juice is generally too salty already), pepper, or use very hot horseradish or wasabi or daikon. instantly crap beer is made to taste decent - you can swap in a good beer if you want to, but just stick to pale varieties for the best results. guinness + tomato juice = ick, trust me.
( postbear has metal knees, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 8:18, Reply)

Annoyed by your room being stuffy at night?
Then open a window, and let in a gentle breeze.
(mmmkay, Mon 18 Aug 2008, 1:28, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Also
driven mad by that sneeze that threatens to come but dissapates, leaving you unfulfilled?

Simply look at a bright light from the corner of your eye. I don't know why, but it works.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 17 Aug 2008, 17:14, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Never never never
have a shit in a shopping centre's toilets while wearing a kilt.

Although the initial stages are simple, the clear up phase quickly degenerates into a nightmare.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 17 Aug 2008, 17:08, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Useful
Dont pat a burning dog.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 21:28, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm not proud of this
If you defrost some chicken, then forget about it so it becomes smelly, salmonella-breeding flesh the best way to dispose is not to take it along to your local Asda and attempt to flush it down their toilet. Stone cold sober. In the middle of the day.

Nor should you wait to see if it goes down, and when it doesn't, don't wait to see the reaction of the middle-aged woman who goes into the cubicle after. You should however maintain the circle of trust that you and your two friends are locked in and not allow anyone else in the world to know about your chickeny adventure.

Oops.
(Medibot, Thu 14 Aug 2008, 15:17, 1 reply, 16 years ago)