Fancy a menthol cigarette?
But you only have regular ones?

Just eat an Extra Strong Mint while smoking, for a lung-full of menthol goodness.
( Cawl, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:34, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dog owners
Avoid having to pick up your pets ordure during autumn by letting it shit under trees that are losing their leaves. This also makes it harder for pedestrians to spot.
( Smallbrainfield, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:22, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Want to promote integration of immigrants?
Force them to carry around an ID card while spouting off on how they are equal and should integrate and assimilate.

Oh, and do it for *some* classes of non-nationals only.
(zero.coke, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 7:58, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Shaving tips
Remove your facial hair more easily by placing a facecloth in hot water and then draping it over your face for 2 minute before shaving.

Always pull the razor in the direction your facial hair grows, which for most men is downwards.
(Smale is stuffed, Sun 28 Sep 2008, 17:50, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't EVER
Plant a Leylandii.

I've just spent the whole afternoon cutting down one of the hellspawn bastard things. The side shoot/branches mean you can't use a chainsaw, especially if you've got to get the thing out in hadleable chunks.

Bastard bastard bastard things!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 27 Sep 2008, 17:39, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

have a better quality of life...
...turn the t.v. off
(n0rt, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 23:36, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Don't drink
paraffin. Ever.
( Captain Tripps is your taxloss lover from Liverpool, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 10:19, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Scat Fetishists
If you get nervous before a big date nosh on a bit of laxative chocolate a few hours before to make sure you can walk the walk and poo the poo when the time comes.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 14:23, Reply)

Rape
Think you're about to be raped by that man following you?
Carry a fart machine instead of a rape alarm!
Might put them off...
(sarah90 >you, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 12:41, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Security Markers
are great for drawing big hairy cocks on banknotes so they show up when put under the UV forgery testing light.
( Spherix, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 10:58, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Selling computers on eBay?
1. A Pentium PC running Windows 98 is not vintage.
2. Sinclair Spectrums are not rare.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sat 20 Sep 2008, 17:12, Reply)

When dating a young female...
for the first date, the first words that you say... really should be - do you fancy this half apple... because 3 hours later she will be wanting your babies.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 21:56, Reply)

Prawn smoothies
Get a tray full of fresh prawns (2 quid off at Morrisons) add them to your blender with a dash of Worcestershire sauce and a small pot of double cream. Add a large glass of tequila, then spritz for 1 minute. Enjoy!
(tonyhrx, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 18:08, Reply)

Dont get underpants too small
Don't get those Lycra briefy stretchy trunk-style underpants too small. If you do they squeeze your arse cheeks together. This makes you sweat, makes your arse minging and gives you nappy rash.
(tonyhrx, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 18:04, Reply)

Cash machine queues
If you want to really annoy the people in the queue behind you, make sure that you act like you have never seen a fucking cash machine before. Do it in Dalston.
Then do about 10 transactions. Really slowly. And keep making mistakes. Make sure you get a useless receipt for everything. Then take 5 minutes putting everything back on your pockets. Then do a sort of half-turn, keeping your eyes on the machine for about 20 seconds as if it was an alien. Then fuck off.
(tonyhrx, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 18:00, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Song
"I'm a gonna raise a fuss, I'm a gonna raise a devil
By shouting incantations into the back of my Breville"

so sang my mate to Summertime Blues by Eddie Cochrane recently. We tried it, but it didn't work.

Next time we're going to try Rap-Tou witchcraft and then maybe mystic healing with a Soda-Stream.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 14:39, Reply)

time travel
Pretend you're a time-traveller from the past by dressing like someone from 100 years ago and speaking like Victorian Dad from Viz

This will work best if time machines have been on the market for at least 100 years
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 9:09, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Film '08
Don't watch "The Strangers". It really is terrible (almost as terrible as Hull). Even the lovely Miss Liv Tyler can't save it.

Do, however, watch "[Rec]". It is an absolutely cracking film.
(The Stig, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 15:01, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

b3tans
Pretend you've got an extensive ignore-list by not responding to any troll-ish comments.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 12:23, Reply)

If you know you are going to have a runny poo
Make sure you put some paper down the pan first
This reduces splashback significantly and means you dont have to spend a few minutes wiping around your ass where bits of poo water have sprayed up
( epiphany coming live from sweden, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 16:11, Reply)

Another real one
If you use an OXO cube. Flatten it gently first. Then tear it open like a sachet. This will stop you getting oxo cube all over your fingers.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 16 Sep 2008, 0:02, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A real one, this time....
When roasting potatoes for your sunday lunch/dinner, before putting them in the oven, cover each one with a light coating of olive oil. This will bring a nice crispy texture to your roast spud.

N.B: Don't go crazy on the oil! Just enough to coat it.
(The Stig, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 17:01, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

CEO's and top executives of American car companies.
Post record losses (somewhere in the region of $1.5 billion to $39 billion per quarter) for 3 years, build cars no-one wants to buy, blame (in order) the Japanese for building cars superior to yours, your workers for "crippling the company" and, then, your customers for not "considering your company for their next car" (despite the fact that the customers promised never to buy your products again after they were sold a lemon which was fresh from the factory). Then, (after exhausting every other option) ask your government for a $50 billion handout because your company is on the verge of bankruptcy and you need a "helping hand".

Once you have done all of this, only then can you feel that you have earned your $14 million salary and your pension, which, even if the company you ran goes bankrupt due to your management, it will still pay out (i.e. bankruptcy proof pension).




(Sadly) a true story.
(The Stig, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 16:56, Reply)

Cooking Roast chicken
When roasting chicken do so with the breasts facing down for 90% of the cooking time so it roasts in its own juices. Turn over and cook right way up for the last couple of minutes to brown.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:31, Reply)

Found a part of a popular website that you don't post on except for mindless drivel?
why not constantly complain about its format and insult the regular users for no reason thus making you appear to be a complete cunt?

oh, you do already? ok then

in that case then how about taking a comment that one of your cronies has said about other users (for example that they have crippling undiagnosed asberger's) and then repeating it ad nauseam?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 8:43, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Pretend
to be a time traveller from the future, by wearing baco-foil and stopping strangers to ask what year it is with a wild look on your face.
(dillbox1 rotation is the violin, Sun 14 Sep 2008, 2:23, Reply)

try it
To Avoid boring repitition and energy wastage follow these simple steps:Next time you smoke a cigarette smear your lips genourously with quick setting epoxy resin.When you remove the ciggy your lips will remain permanantly pursed allowing you to both smoke and whistle with the minimum of effort.Smile smugly with your eyes as your friends gasp at how you,ve evolved.
(dillbox1 rotation is the violin, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 19:11, Reply)