Guys: there is no G spot
Stop looking. Just make sure you enjoy yourself and stop worrying. After all - you are number 1!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 12:37, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tip.
Whilst driving to the office, don't laugh at some goon falling off their bike so that you start to cry and end up rear ending another car. It fucking hurts,
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 13:13, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Tip:
Don't skid and fall off your bike on the way into the office. It fucking hurts.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 12:33, Reply)

Tip:
Don't get rear-ended by another car on your way into the office. It fucking hurts.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 5:45, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fanzi Dress
Women! Need a good idea for an outfit for that fancy dress party?... simply shave all the hair off your head, then apply a swastika to your forehead with felt-pen and viola You're a Dutch nazi Sympatiser.
1st post
(wikipedlar, Mon 17 Nov 2008, 18:27, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Want to become immortal?
simply fart, sneeze and burp at the same time*.

Hey presto! you will now have eternal life



Warning: may cause premature death by explosion
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Nov 2008, 17:18, Reply)

Another solution for crabs
Whiskey and Sand.
Rub them both in to your nads.
The buggers get pissed and throw rocks at each other.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Sun 16 Nov 2008, 21:42, Reply)

Blame the Credit Crunch
If you dont want to spend money on people this xmas. Then blame the Credit Crises and the fact that the pound is worth jack shit.
(Miggyman, Sun 16 Nov 2008, 12:41, Reply)

Got crabs?
Best way to get rid of crabs - remove all clothes and go to the part of your house furthest away from a sink (back garden is best) and lie on a towel. Pour rubbing alcohol on your tackle and rub in.

Once the pain starts, leap to your feet and run to the nearest sink and wash your afflicted area.

The time between application and removal should be enough to kill the little fuckers.

(If you can get someone else to take this cure be sure to film it - the look on the sufferers face is priceless.)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 16:49, Reply)

want to reinvent beans on toast?
take your beans,insert lovingly into pan.
take a knob (chortle) of fresh butter into the beans.
add ten to fifteen drips of tabasco.
add a tiny (make sure it's tiny) drop of sesame oil.
stir until the butter melts.
serve with crumpets.
lovely.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Fri 14 Nov 2008, 15:44, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

When you have finally cleaned yourself up
after using a Japanese toilet, be sure to press the real 'FLUSH' button. The fake one merely makes a flushing sound effect, leaving the evidence of your shitty journey in the pan for the next person to enjoy.
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 7:35, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

When using a Japanese toilet
to clean the shit off your arse and legs following a sharp, unpleasant shock, be sure to press the 'WASH ARSE' button. The *other* other button causes a blast of hot air to bake the still-fresh shitstains onto your skin.
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 7:31, Reply)

When vomiting into a Japanese toilet
be sure to correctly locate the 'FLUSH' button when you have finished.

The other button causes a small plastic nozzle to emerge from beneath the seat which squirts you in the face with warm, high pressure water, the shock of which will cause you to shit yourself.
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 7:28, Reply)

before taking a hangover shit at work
always, always, always double-check you've locked the door.

You never know, your foxy line manager might choose that moment to burst in on you, mid-wipe, thus rendering months of groundwork, and possibly you, redundant.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 23:34, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Supermarkets!
On Lottery nights, try putting more than one fucking member of staff on the bloody ciggie counter.

That way you won't get disgruntled customers muttering under their breath as they wait for the optimistic idiot in front of them to buy 20 lottery lines indivifuckingvidually.

/may have happened to me recently.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 12 Nov 2008, 19:11, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Cant take a shit in the morning
Drink a cup of tea...
Makes the slimy bugger come straight out
(Smallman, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 18:56, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Make that long, boring journey to an important meeting an exciting race
...by downing a pint of water before you get in the car.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 22:19, Reply)

If your going to shag Andrew Sachs grand-daughter
don't ring him to tell him about it on a radio show.

Do it for Children in Need instead.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 23:16, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tabasco sauce
is not good with chocolate starfish
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 22:49, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oral sex
Gentlemen - if you haven't the foggiest clue what you're doing, just try spelling your name and other phrases with the tip of your tongue.

I found myself south of the border for the first time a couple of weeks ago, remembered the above advice and got 11/10 for my efforts. W00t!
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 15:15, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

save me time
by posting the new question of the week straight after you archive the last. I've been refreshing for 20 minutes just to be a child and say, FIRST, bugger it, I'm off to bed
(knackerz is skinning up, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 12:19, Reply)

Don't
Be sick in a wicker bin. Just don't.
(i should have joined myspace, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 11:23, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

girls...
Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.
(epping2ongar, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 10:58, Reply)

Save water and energy
by using the same water you boil your eggs with to make a cup of tea/coffee.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Sun 2 Nov 2008, 17:10, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bathroom Etiquette
If you can't be arsed to wash your hands after taking a piss, then don't just flush and walk straight out. Everyone will now youre a dirty scrubber and treat you like you have lurgy for the rest of the night.

Instead just stand there for a minute after flushing the bog. Even put the tap on, perhaps even have a quick wank. Everyone will think you're as hygenic as a baby wipe. (Unless you accidently get man milk all over your hands).
(Miggyman, Sun 2 Nov 2008, 16:52, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't sneeze whilst eating wafer thin ham...
It goes everywhere!
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Sun 2 Nov 2008, 16:39, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Never use chilli sauce as a sexual lubricant.

( riverghost servicing your mum since, Sun 2 Nov 2008, 10:04, Reply)

If you ever get burgled
Throw away your toothbrushes.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 13:39, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ten tips for budding authors
1. Write every day, even if it is only for half an hour.

2. Always keep a notebook / dictaphone handy, at all times - you never know when an idea will strike (I sometimes use the notes or voice recording feature on my mobile for this).

3. NEVER TELL anyone your story ideas! Or if you have to keep it general, i.e. "it's sf / noir / historical etc." If you tell someone your idea, your subconscious will have already told the story, and by the time you come to write it you'll find yourself drained of all enthusiasm for it

4. Join a writers' group. Peer review is invaluable.

5. Be prepared to accept harsh criticism but don't take it personally - unfortunately, this can only be learned by experience.

6. But remember that you don't have to take any and all advice - it's your story, after all. If several people tell you the same thing, i.e., the scene's too slow, plot holes, etc, then you can be pretty sure what to fix, but be wary of listening to too many people. Send your work to a couple of trusted fellow writers or members of your writers' group.

7. Show don't tell.

8. Always stay inside the POV of your character. Some authors don't do this, e.g. Frank Herbert in Dune, but you're not Frank Herbert - yet.

9. Try to avoid cliches - like the plague. Think of new ways to say things.

10. Unless you're independently wealthy, don't give up the day job.

Dr S
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 13:30, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)