Israel
Carry out any disproportionate aggression with impunity as America will veto any resolution against you.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 31 Dec 2008, 16:45, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Small Countries
Dont piss off your powerful neighbour by launching rockets at them. It will end in tears, mark my words.
(kitescreech still here, Mon 29 Dec 2008, 21:14, Reply)

Dont go on facebook stalking when you're drunk
checking what the fella has been upto and then typing in the name of your ex and posting it on their wall instaed of in the search box is not a good idea.
(i should have joined myspace, Mon 29 Dec 2008, 16:01, Reply)

KEEP BREATHING!
without it we just wouldn't be able to live, so keep at it! even when sleeping it is advised that you keep breathing!
(this_is_an_outrage saboo! you slag!, Fri 26 Dec 2008, 21:13, Reply)

Don't get a laughing fit at the same time as the hiccups
As it makes you appear to be off your tits. Although yes I have had a few.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 25 Dec 2008, 15:07, Reply)

Remember!
Ensure that your Santa traps are baited with high quality mince pies to increase the chances of snaring the jolly fat man. Hundreds of years of the Christmas snacks have left him with a highly attuned nose for the better breed of pie.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 15:00, Reply)

to avoid copious amounts of vomit
do not drink lots of alcohol and then have several cones within the space of two hours.

it's messy.

Particularly if the alcohol is a coloured vodka.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 24 Dec 2008, 10:54, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

To avoid severe stomach cramps
dont keep left over cocaine in a mug by your bed, wake in the middle of the night desperately thirsty, take said mug and fill with water.........

*dry retches*
(m@rolo, Mon 22 Dec 2008, 17:11, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ladies.
Stuck for a gift for your other half?

Just give him a blow job.

Trust me, he will prefer it to 'is it just me or is everything shit vol4'.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 22 Dec 2008, 14:52, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Attention all turkeys...
Keep hiding - four days to go.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 22 Dec 2008, 14:50, Reply)

Chocolate Manufacturers
Ensure your 'brand' retains 'prominence' throughout the festive season. When producing tins of assorted chocolates, be sure to include two revolting flavours such as strawberry, marzipan or anything else which appeals solely to old people and tedious early-thirties bell-ends called Justin who have nothing better to do than start Facebook groups half-heartedly campaigning for the return of discontinued confectionary.

The inclusion of these disgusting varieties will ensure that your tin, rather than being emptied in two days and hurled to the back of the shed, will remain in place on the nation's sideboards long into January, holding a sorry collection of unpleasant leftover sweets, until they are either eaten whilst drunk or emptied into a small souvenir ashtray and ignored until Halloween, when they'll be handed to disappointed trick-or-treaters.
(costas, Mon 22 Dec 2008, 13:08, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

When you're cooking the turkey
Don't forget to switch the oven to the fan setting, and not the grill setting.

Also, remember to check the status regularly, otherwise you might be presented with a surprise when Christmas lunch time arrives...
(Mucky has squinted at the screen with one eye shut since, Sun 21 Dec 2008, 11:58, Reply)

For an alternative cup of tea..
1. Take tea bag and place in cup.

2. Fill said cup with lots of milk. No water.

3. Squish teabag to get the best juices out of it.

4. MICROWAVE!

5. Enjoy.
(DeactivateThisDisaster No., Sun 21 Dec 2008, 0:09, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If you are a wife
and you send your husband to the shops around the end of December for a large meal item usually found in the poultry section, you might want to remind him that Waitrose are unlikely to have any but they have loads in Marks and Spencers.

This will prevent him coming home empty handed, worrying that he has spolit Xmas, and then having to get the train back into town a second time to complete the mission.

Also, remind him that it is best to take his phone so he can get further instructions should the shop you told him to go to in the first instance be a bit wank.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 22:27, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If you are a large retailer
try and source your Poultry, especially the birds larger than a chicken but not named goose, around the end of December with a "Eat By" date of greater than the 23rd of December.

Also, it might be wise to get a few in.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 22:22, Reply)

Alarm Clock
If you haven't got an alarm clock, a vacuum cleaner and timer switch will suffice.

The accommodation I moved into when starting my first job had a radiator attached to a timer.

So, lacking a mains powered radio or stereo, the vacuum method is how I awoke on my first day at work.

Advantages: immediately awake, no need for coffee.

Disadvantages: bedsheets need cleaning.

I bought an alarm clock from Woolies at lunchtime...
(Mucky has squinted at the screen with one eye shut since, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 19:05, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Smoking Seriously Harms Your Health
So please, do it with a smile.
(sorry., Sat 20 Dec 2008, 4:11, Reply)

Fuck me
Usually a good tip.
(Mucky has squinted at the screen with one eye shut since, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 2:11, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't be sick
in your fish tank.

Although they like the occasional morsel of vegetable matter (yep, carrots regardless of what you've eaten...), most anything sautéd in hydrochloric acid isn't good for them.

Also, don't masturbate into your fish tank either; I remember reading about seemingly harmless side effects, such as Goldfish calling up at some ridiculous time of the night asking for a lift home...
(Mucky has squinted at the screen with one eye shut since, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 2:02, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Go on Dragons den
spend 10 minutes talking about a special life giving liquid.

after you notice all dragons sip their water, explain the life giving liquid is infact an antidote to the poison in their water.

then offer the antidote to the highest bidder... and watch them fight it out.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 19 Dec 2008, 14:55, Reply)

In these uncertain economic times
save money buy holding on to do a poo or wee at work. Not only will you save money on expensive bog roll, but you'll also be paid for doing your vile body business. Also helps to waste time.
(iwantmybed Is counting down the hours till home time on, Fri 19 Dec 2008, 12:32, Reply)

Party needs a boost?
Pour small amounts of tequila into a saucer for each of the guests, give each a straw and have them all snort it up at the same time.

Hilarity ensues as the temporary blindness hits, noses start to bleed and people start to stagger around crying.

Oh - and don't forget to film it.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 19 Dec 2008, 11:00, Reply)

Bored?
Simply scream.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 16:23, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sticky tape salesmen
When your boss rings you to go to an impromptu dinner meeting with two of the nost powerful members of the international board of your parent company, don't spark up a spliff 1/2 an hour before you meet up.
The resulting urges to giggle at inappropriate times during dinner might give the wrong impression.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 11:56, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tobacco advertisers
Maybe you'd get people smoking more of your products if you quit placing images of dead babies, people with throat cancer and foul teeth on you products.

Would you expect to find a picture of a pregnant woman on your condom packet or a picture of someone choking to death on a packet of pringles?

Of course not...

Trust me, you'll sell more without these doom and gloom images
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 0:42, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Improve your viewing experience
If you have a pc, press and hold ctrl + alt + left arrow key. Depending on your video card this may improve your viewing experience.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 9:07, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)