don't get caught out posting nonsense on the internet...
simply do some research first!
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 23 Feb 2009, 16:25, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Life is lived forwards
but understood backwards
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 13:13, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Credit crunch internetters!
Save money on electricity and keyboard wear and tear by avoiding those pesky punctuation and shift keys.

This message is made entirely of recycled electrons.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 11:16, Reply)

Cat owners,
Keep your empty toilet roll tubes.
These can be pushed over your cats back legs to stop them scratching you whilst you give it a good seeing to.

/apparently
( Gooch Is neither here nor there, Thu 19 Feb 2009, 11:00, Reply)

Chav Corsa drivers
Instead of buying a 1.1 base model at £2k ish and then spending £6k on plastic bits for the outside, wide wheels, a mahoosive stereo and a dustbin to strap over your tailpipe - leaving you with a car that looks like it'll do warp 3 but is still a 1.1 bloody vauxhall.

Try buying a £5k Alfa. It'll piss all over a chavmobile on the straight and round corners.

And you won't look such a cunt.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 18 Feb 2009, 17:09, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

People who drive with their fog lights on *all* the time....
....you can't see them and everyone else thinks you look like a twat. Just so you know.
(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 15:14, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Girls!
Having problems keeping a boyfriend.

Stop being so fucking awesome. It scares them away.
( girlinthehole, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 21:03, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Parents with troublesome children at supermarkets
Find another parent with an unruly child and swap children while shopping. The child will feel less at ease with a strange parent and will quieten down, making the supermarket trip more pleasurable for the parents and the other shoppers.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 21:09, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Have you recently given up smoking but are dying for a ciggie?
Here's a bit of advice. If you feel overcome by temptation, just find the tallest hill in the vicinity, climb to the top, and using your lungs at full capacity, repeatedly scream out "I'M FUCKING MENTAL!!!", or better yet, just good old fashioned "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!" with all it's primeval rage. Repeat (the screaming) until you're exhausted. Although I'm not sure if this will work, you should at least have fun doing it.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 21:05, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Family Values
If your parents keep hinting that maybe it's time you settled down and got a real job, tell them to mind their own fucking business.
( owensanity, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 9:39, Reply)

Parsimony
if you're dead skint and your mates come round for tea, make your spag bol go further by addign a crushed weetabix to it. This will make it go further as well as adding much needed fibre to your diet! Similiarly, add instant potato to curries or soups for a brill texture and a wholesome homecooked sort of thing going on. On another note, keeping your bread in a bucket of water will ensure it satys soft for ages.
Cant afford contact lenses? Make your own from cling film - just cut two small circles out and insert them as you would normal contacts.
On a water meter? shower with a friend, especially if they are rather attractive!
(BlackMagicWoman, Sat 14 Feb 2009, 18:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Washing up
Having a real party or even a weekender. The ones I prefer.

Do you have lots of glasses and cups?

Put away any surplus cups or glasses, so they cannot be found. Move them to another room.

As your guests will be "helpful" and make coffee, tea and more drinks. but just go through your cupboards until they find clean stuff.

If you don't do this you will have to wash up every single thing from the kitchen that you own.

On a sunday at about 8pm when everybody has gone you will only have a small amount to wash up or just one load in the dishwasher.
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Wed 11 Feb 2009, 12:19, Reply)

Kevin Rudd
Round up every arsonist you can find and behead the cunts with an old bread knife.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 9:12, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

House under threat from Bush Fire?
Scared of being burnt alive?


Flee to the bathroom, fill up the bath with cold water. *IMPORTANT* Take a straw!

Put coins in your pocket to help keep you sunk to the bottom and use the strw to breath. You will stay cold BUT ALIVE while the flames burn down your house.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 15:52, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Sound of Getting the Fuck Out of Bed
Instead of having an annoying ringing alarm clock, wake up to music.
Your iPod or mobile phone probably has an alarm function, and it's a much, much nicer way to start the day.
( owensanity, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 12:07, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Way to a Womans Heart
Forget flowers or romantic dinners. The best way is through her rib cage with a small hunting knife and some elbow grease.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 4:06, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Deaf Old Men...
...wait until the coldest day of the year (when Tesco's only has one of it's doors open rather than the whole shopfront), to bump into one of your old friends and start a conversation in the doorway - not only that, do it with your trolley positioned directly over said doorway, so that no other fucker can get in or out of the store. Because you're a bit deaf, when someone politely says 'excuse me' a couple of times, do be sure to completely fucking ignore them. Then, when you receive mardy looks and whispered insults for being a complete idiot and causing a logjam, don't forget to miraculously recover your hearing ability, and make dumbass remarks about 'the youth of today'.
(twatspangler is bent over in front of your dad on, Sat 7 Feb 2009, 16:37, Reply)

Old Ladies
Hold the bus up by standing obliviously next to it while it's at the bus station, then flapping wildly when it starts to move away so the driver has to stop again to let you on.
Then fuck about in your handbag looking for your bus pass for two minutes.
Then take ages to get to your seat, before the bus can finally move off.

Despite the tone of this post, I wasn't actually angry; I was just in absolute awe of the effort she'd put into delaying everyone. I hope to be that annoying when I'm old.

Oh, and the icing on the cake was that when she got to her stop, she stopped for a chat with another old lady about to get on in the bus doorway so noone else could get on or off.
Spectacular.
(Bearded Whumpus In chav Britain, schoolgirl offers sweets to YOU!, Sat 7 Feb 2009, 11:55, Reply)

Seeing Things
If you're trying to see something when it's dark, look near it rather than directly at it.
It's something to do with the position of the rods and cones in your eyes, apparently.
( owensanity, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 10:27, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Looking for the perfect Valentine's Day gift for your special lady ???

Find a test tube. Find an old lollypop stick.

Put the stick in the tube and fill with your man juice.

Freeze.

Hey presto !!!

Cumlolly..

The delicious, nutritious, and downright sexy gift that keeps on giving, and really says: "I love you!"...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 17:09, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Premature Ejaculation ???

Problems keeping your woman satisfied ???

Not anymore !!!

Simply squirt superglue gel down your japs eye for hours and hours of squelchy fun.*

Caution: May cause your testicles to explode.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 16:55, Reply)

Unhappy with your life???

Simple!!!

Take a big bag of drugs...

...you'll feel better in no time!!!
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 16:53, Reply)

Going bald ???

No problem!!!

Simply visit all the public urinals in your area, run your finger round the drain and - hey presto!!! - your very own curly wig kit.*

*Caution: May require drying and weaving before first use...

...(may also make you smell like rancid piss).
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 16:52, Reply)

Serial Killers

Don't go trawling the streets for prostitutes.

Have a high class hooker delivered to your door.

Ask for a really expensive, pretty one...

...(it's not as if you're going to pay her).
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 16:47, Reply)

Want to throw up?
Perhaps due to drinking too much absinthe and getting hiccups?

I'd suggest VodkaGuiness. That's [cheap]Vodka and Guinness in a 50/50 or so mix.
"Utterly Vile, Guaranteed Bile!"
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 12:22, Reply)

weather
Pretend it's winter from the early 80's by going to work as normal and not closing schools and the like at the slightest flurry of snow.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 21:28, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anerican immigrants!
If you are guilty of a CIMT (Crime Involving Moral Turptitude), and require a 601 waiver.....be fucking grateful you can request the waiver instead of bitching about how fucked up the immigration system is.
YOU, yes YOU, fucked up. Not the officer that inteveiwed you. He did his job.

ummm, end rant??
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 7:56, Reply)

Image Resizer
Do a google search for Powertoys Image Resizer.
It's a Microsoft tool that lets you resize images from the right-click menu, and it's ace.
( owensanity, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 6:50, Reply)