If you want nice smelling stuff for your shower....
Don't go to Lush.
They are not the caring-sharing-kiss the arse of an orangutan company you think of.

They shovel their shit down the necks of everyone who walks in and the management is more fucked up than Heather Mills. There is really no need to add to it.

I only know of this as I worked there a few months ago and was sacked over the phone by the Assistant Manager.
(one-winged-angel-616 isn't as depressed as she sounds, Mon 7 Jun 2010, 16:05, 9 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you buy a thick rump steak it can cost about 4 quid, quite off puttingly expensive,
if you buy a fairly small rump joint and cut it into 4 steaks they work out at about half the price.

Sear them on both sides in a very hot pan with just a teeny bit of oil for 1 minute per side if you want it rare, 2 for medium rare, 3 for cooked thru, 4 for well done, then put them into a tin foil wrap for 3-5 minutes, they will finish cooking and relax to a melt in the mouth steak releasing lots of juicy tasty 'gravy'.

Serve with chips, fried onions (you can cook em as the steaks rest), and a little English mustard on the side, pepper and salt to taste, every bite is heaven, impressing the entire family with your culinary skills!
( ..wil, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 18:28, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

An ex-girlfriend of mine was feeling upset and sad
She wanted to vent about her problems. I thought I was being helpful by explaining how she could solve them. After each one of my brilliant "solutions" she would say, "Yeah, but there's also.." and name another problem, to which I would provide a solution.

Finally, she got frustrated and said "I just want you to say you understand."

This was one of the most important things I ever learned.

Sometimes, when people are angry or frustrated and they want to complain about their problems, they don't want you to solve them: they just want to be acknowledged. They want you to listen and say "there there."

When you start giving them advice, it feels to them like you are not listening and you are just bossing them around, when they are venting because they feel like no one is listening anyway.

So, you can save yourself a lot of grief (and time, and mental energy) by just telling people who are angry and upset "I understand," instead of offering solutions. They'll feel better.

Apologies for dullness.
(TommyShanks, Sat 5 Jun 2010, 16:51, 10 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Vodka
Don't drink vodka when you have chapped lips. That shit hurts like fuck.
(EvilDeathSandwich Woof, Sat 5 Jun 2010, 16:43, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Only ever eat
things that are the same colour as the clothes you are wearing. This way any spillage will be camoflaged.
( arrangedletters, Thu 3 Jun 2010, 14:48, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Feeling unloved or generally down?
Have a wank.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 17:07, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Cheer yourself up
Feeling unloved or generally down? Buy yourself some new pants. Well it works for me.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 8:09, Reply)

Whenever baking bread (or whatever) NEVER measure the volume of water in a jug.
Measuring jugs, even those pricey Pyrex ones are wildly inaccurate.
For much improved accuracy (and thusly better bread) weigh it instead.
350ml of water weighs 350g.
try measuring it and check the results by weighing if you doubt the difference it will make.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Wed 2 Jun 2010, 0:52, 47 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Accidentally closed the wrong tab?
Ctrl+Shift+T

Mac:

Cmd+Shift+T
(sebcoe, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 21:03, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Work in maintenance for a large apartment complex?
Tell the tennants you're shutting off the water ahead of time. This way, they won't have a big poo festering in the toilet for 3 hours
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 31 May 2010, 23:04, Reply)

Paperclips
Paperclips lost their attaching-power? Simply reverse the direction of the clipping arms, so instead of short at the front, bend it gently back through the longer arm, and have the short arm at the back.

Caution: you may need authorised paperclip training in order to carry out this manouevre safely.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 31 May 2010, 15:57, Reply)

Like cafetiere coffee?
Used the boiled grounds as extra fertilizer for your plants.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Mon 31 May 2010, 0:26, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Take an empty jam jar into the bath with you
That way if you submerge it full of water you can trap and preserve a fart to release at a time of your choosing
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Sun 30 May 2010, 21:37, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Voyeurs!
Sit on your hand AND on your penis. It will feel like someone else is jerking someone else off.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:36, Reply)

If you are going to murder prostitutes
avoid living in accomodation with close circuit television cameras
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 28 May 2010, 12:47, Reply)

If you have no chance to survive
a worthwhile thing to do is to make your time.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 27 May 2010, 16:37, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Do you have a manhood?
When others talk who fought with King Henry V on St. Crispin's day, try holding it cheap.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 27 May 2010, 14:27, Reply)

Dou you have really hard cracked skin on your heels?
Use an electric sander on your feet. Use a medium grain sandpaper. It gets a bit warm and creates a lot of very fine white dust, but works perfectly.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 27 May 2010, 13:33, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you're female
and want to watch England vs Mexico, go into the bar that's filled with Mexicans to watch the match. For some reason, they will give you a free drink every time England score.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 24 May 2010, 21:03, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Take a section on a website
and turn it into a week-long feature. For example, "Bugs and feature requests" and turn it into a feature called "How would you make this website better?" and run it for a 7 days.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 24 May 2010, 17:32, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Leech & Co Solicitors
hire a proof-reader for fuck's sake, or at least run a spellcheck. I should not have to correct all of your mistakes like some sort of primary school teacher.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 24 May 2010, 15:58, Reply)

SMERSH and SPECTRE agents,
don't fuck about with clever killing methods when you catch James Bond, just fucking shoot him in the head, otherwise he'll escape and give you a fucking hard time. Haven't you seen the films?
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Mon 24 May 2010, 0:15, Reply)

If you're being chased by a homicidal maniac in a car or big truck..
Don't run down the middle of the fucking road.

I'm watching T'Terminator and this gem has popped into me head.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Mon 24 May 2010, 0:02, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

If during intercourse she has a seizure...
ram your penis in as far as possible. For some reason, epilepsy causes the vaginal walls to contract and she will become as tight as a mouse's ear. If she doesn't have a epilepsy, try to induce a seizure by turning the lights on and off really fast as part of foreplay.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sun 23 May 2010, 15:05, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you're in Texas and want a lemonade,
Order 'a 7up' or 'a Sprite' or something. If you order 'a lemonade' they give you a glass of weird pink stuff.
( Bob Todd whee, Sat 22 May 2010, 16:28, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If during intercourse, she begins to cough
ram your penis in as far as possible. For some reason, the act of coughing causes the vaginal walls to contract and she will become as tight as a mouse's ear. If she doesn't have a cough, try to induce one by making her smoke the cheapest roughest tobacco you can find as part of foreplay.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:50, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Gentlemen. Are you going to the pharmacy?
Are you going to pick up your prescription?

Best not try to chat up the lady behind the counter. We know what's wrong with you.
(lympicita_ie, Mon 17 May 2010, 19:07, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

when moving your PC...
... bear in mind that one should always screw in the graphics card before exerting any pressure on the monitor cable. Failure to do so will result in the ohshit smell of crispy fried motherboard as the card rips itself from its socket. Particularly refrain from doing this at 2am with a head full of gin. An epic fail on my part,particularly as I fix the blasted things for a living.
(hangableautobulb is an anagram of the best album ever, on, Mon 17 May 2010, 17:36, 1 reply, 15 years ago)